


Lost Memories

by fresharold



Series: Promises. [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Best Friends, Bullying, Depression, Developing Relationship, Drugs, First Kiss, First Time, High School, M/M, Not, Self-Harm, Smoking, Smut, Tears, Time Travel, Underage Sex, and this tags suck really, at least for now, but it's not much, i'm not using their real parents bc reasons, im sorry, it's sad though, larry stylinson - Freeform, lots and lots of tears, so it'll be like they're growing up with it, the boys aren't in this story, they're kids when the story starts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:47:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 166,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1784557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fresharold/pseuds/fresharold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What's a soulmate?</p><p>It's like a best friend but more.<br/>It's that one person that knows you better than anyone else.<br/>Someone who makes you a better person, actually they don't make you a better person, you do that yourself. They inspire you.<br/>A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever.<br/>The person who knew you and accepted you, before anyone else did.<br/>Or when no one else would.<br/>And no matter what happens, you will always love them. And nothing could ever change that. ❞</p><p> </p><p>» where Harry and Louis meet when they're still learning the meaning of life, till they find out the meaning is "Louis&Harry" and they decide to make a lot of promises to keep them going.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> playlist: http://8tracks.com/fresharold/lost-memories#smart_id=dj:6571320

❝Suddenly you were gone.  
Suddenly I was alone,  
Left with a broken heart, knowing you have moved on.  
Suddenly my soft heart became harder than a stone.

Now, I feel nothing at all;  
It is raining and the drops of pain are reaching my soul,  
My body has nothing but a million holes,  
Now, I'm heartless, I'm only a pretty doll❞

~*~

Louis doesn’t have a lot of clothes to pack- well maybe he does (he definitely does) but just doesn’t want to admit it to anyone, not even to himself – but he had to buy a new and bigger suitcase. He never moved out, at least not like he is about to do now. Even when he went to the University seemed to be easier than this. 

He was okay with the fact of living with his family almost having twenty four years old – he was not – but he needs to get out from this place full of good memories and do what he thinks is the best for him. “Good memories” he says to himself. Good memories are worthy but not when they make him feeling weird; a mixture of happiness, amusement, sadness and loss. He wants – he needs – to stop them. 

He is focused on starting his life. But for Louis, starting his life, starting a new life, doesn’t have the same meaning as normal people usually think it has. For Louis, changing is constantly thinking about the past and the influences its might have. 

“You need to do what makes you happy” he repeats his mother’s words, the ones he’s been listening since he is ten. And he heard them a week ago when he asked her mom’s advices about what he should do with his life and with his mixed and messy thoughts. 

In result of it he is in his old bedroom looking for stuff that he might need to take to his new house and looking for trash that it’s not really necessary to have here anymore. He’s making his mother a favour cleaning this place up, it’s not like he’s not coming back here anymore but does he really need his old school books? Clothes that don’t fit him anymore? And what else? A damaged football? He is in the spirit to do it so let’s make good use of it and throw away all this old trash. 

The draws from his desk are the worst. He has old tests, small pieces of paper, pens that don’t work anymore, old notes and even those documents he’d bring home to ask for parent’s permission to study visits from high school. He hated that school but he can’t deny that he spent some good years of his life there. 

He found a folder right in the back of the drawer. He knows it too well. He opened it a million of times, he read all the papers he had there another millions till he memorised its words, he analysed the tickets and small gifts till he found a new detail or remembered something forgotten, he looked at all the pictures with that so familiar tear at the corner of his eyes… he never got tired of looking at that folder, with episodes of his childhood playing on his mind, lies and whispers being heard on his ear. 

But it’s been three years since he doesn’t look at this shit – it’s not shit, it’s a piece of art, sentimental parts of Louis’ heart that become something touchable, but Louis doesn’t want to remind himself of that – so he grabs that with his soft hands, carefully as if that could vanish on them and sits on the end of his small bed.

His lips form an instant curve. A proud smile is written upon his face, it even reaches his blue eyes, he was feeling cold but his body warms up with the fond. He is so proud of himself. He is so proud of doing what he did in the past. Maybe he regrets some stuff, but those stuff are things he always took care of to make everything better.

He watches attentively every picture and he remembers every moment is shown there. He remembers how he felt when that picture was taken, he remembers how the weather was in that day, he remembers the reason behind his different smile in every picture. 

He just can’t remember the voice of the boy who is beside him in every one, which is sad. It’s really sad and everyone would feel pity of his sad blue eyes if knew the story behind him and his best friend. 

“My best friend is beautiful” he remembers saying to himself every morning he would have the opportunity to wake up and see the boy laid down next to him. Curly hair spread down in the pillow, plump and parted lips, and slowly green and lazy eyes would crack open to meet Louis’ smiley face.  

He finds himself already in tears and he needs to stop and think what his mother would think of him if she found out that her twenty four years old boy is crying in his room over some memories that he swore to her that the episode would never happen again since the last time she found him out like this. It’s been three years since then, he should have grown up and be more mature towards this subject. But Louis was always a drama queen, he always loved dramatising what he doesn't need to. Although, unlike what he thinks, it’s not the case now. 

He makes that hard and harsh move of his, maybe it’s on purpose to reach his limit or see till where he lasts this time, and takes the familiar letter. He reads it twice and when he’s about to go to the third one he hears the door. 

 _Fuck_ , not again. 


	2. Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

Louis is going to turn eight in four months when he meets Harry. It’s early in the morning, last days of summer holidays and later on Louis asks himself if he hadn’t waken up earlier than the usual because of some cartoons that were passing on TV in that hour – that at the end he ended up not watching because his six years old sister, Zoe, made him watch what she wanted – if he’d even have talked to Harry in that day. Maybe things would be different. Or maybe not.

He is in his power rangers' pyjama which he is so proud of having, laid down on the couch next to his sister – who is seriously annoying him but he doesn’t want to fight with her or their parents will wake up and tell them that they have to behave like good siblings – drinking his chocolate milk.

He’s been listening to some weird and unfamiliar noises coming from outside, he’s curious about it but still not that curious to the point of going to check it out himself. But it doesn’t take fifteen minutes till his mother appears, walking down the stairs, already dressed – which is a new thing for young Louis since she always appears in her pink, long, satin robe – and tells them to dress up because they need to go to the church.

“I don’t want to go!” Louis says in his young and pitchy voice, crossing his arms on his chest and making a pouting face. He doesn’t like churches but he never says that to her mother because it’s not a good thing to say. Louis doesn’t care and he is too young to understand those things, besides going to the church is boring. He just sits down on those uncomfortable sits for an hour, listening to an old man talking, wearing – for what Louis thinks it is – a dress and listening to some odd songs. He never knows when it is time to stand up, but that’s the worst part, sometimes it takes minutes to sit back and for much uncomfortable the wooden sits are he much prefers be sat on them than being stood up for minutes until his feet start hurting.

“Louis!” Fiona, his mother, calls his name and he knows she’s warning him by her tone of voice. Louis still doesn’t care and shakes his head “Your father said that you need to go.” They know that Louis always protests about going to the church. More like hanging out, everything that involves effort from his small and fragile body. He needs to dress up, brush his teeth and his mother does that thing with his hair that he hates and the couch always seems so comfortable in those times. He’s not a kid who makes much tantrums, he says to himself that he’s going to be a man soon and men don’t make tantrums but that doesn’t mean he can’t be persistent.

“But I wanna stay, please mom I’m going to behave well!” His tone is childish, he gives her an innocent smile and makes puppy eyes. By now his sister is gone, she’s a good girl, obedient, calm and quiet, but only to her parents. Louis thinks she’s mean and not the good girl they think she is, because towards him she seems to be older than him and almost frightens Louis out. It’s a phase.

Fiona sighs and hesitates for a moment. Louis never stays quiet in the church and he basically embarrasses her, also it’s not the first time her son is going to be alone at home. The neighbourhood is safe and he never does bad things, he mostly stays watching TV and enjoying the peaceful and silence ambient from the big house. Sometimes he eats her cookies but she never really notices it because she thinks they’re hidden in a good place where Louis can never find. She’s wrong.

“Fine but remember, don’t open the door to anyone and…” Louis doesn’t listen to his mother’s words. He doesn’t need to and he knows them by heart already.

He finally changes channel and minutes pass when he probably says goodbye to his family but doesn’t really notice his mouth moving by how focused his eyes are on the cartoons. Although they don’t make him occupied and entertained for more than half an hour so he stands up, doesn’t bother to turn off the television, and walks to the kitchen – maybe the cookies are still on the same place.

They aren’t. Or maybe he ate them all already.

He decides to go back to the living room. No one can tell what possibly catches the boy’s attention when he looks at the big window that goes to the balcony, when he goes to the living room. But he still looks and steps closer to the glass, not caring about his fingerprints dirtying it, everyone will know is Louis’ fault.

He remembers seeing a sign saying  _for sale_  in front of the house but it’s nowhere to be seen plus there is a big truck in front of it - which explains the weird noises - and lots of furniture outside, on the green grass. But those aren’t the details Louis is attentively looking at. There is a boy sat on the edge of the sidewalk, as far as possible from the adults and the mess that is happening. He has a flower on his hands and Louis is not sure about what he is doing with it. Louis likes to think that girls are the ones who like flowers – Louis hates flowers – but  he’s sure that it’s a boy who is there, even if the distance between the two is huge.

Louis doesn’t know any boy of his age in the neighbourhood, he’d like to though, to play with him like his friends from school have living close to them. He’s also sure that the kid sat there is close to his age as well so Louis sees a good opportunity to make a new friend. He likes to make new friends, he likes to be surrounded by people time to time and he spent this last summer feeling lonely and needing someone to play with – he doesn’t really see himself playing with his sister (disgusting noise).

He doesn’t waste time opening the front door and running to the other side of the road to where the kid is.  _“He seems lonely as well”_  Louis thinks so he’s probably not only making himself a favour.

“Hi!” He says straight away when reaches the boy, leaving a small and friendly smile escaping from his lips. The unknown kid raises his head, which was previously directed to his lap and meets Louis’ gaze. Now he can see his features. His hair is short and bright brown, his eyes have a light colour, probably green – definitely not blue because they don’t look like Louis’ – his skin seems really soft almost as if it belongs to a baby and his lips are thin but really red, although they don’t form a curve like Louis’. He’s dressed in a blank shirt and a cardigan and Louis almost feels bad with himself by how well dressed the boy is and he’s still in his pyjama and socks.  

He feels a strange squeeze inside of him when the boy doesn’t answer him – usually a  _Hello_  or a  _Hi_  is fine and the normal – and just looks at him as if Louis was an odd creature. All right they don’t know each other and the boy’s mother probably taught him the same as other moms teach their kids like the  _don’t talk with strangers_ thing _,_ but it’s not like Louis is going to kidnap him.

“Hmm, I’m Louis!” he tries again and this time he sits next to the mute kid. He flinches by how close Louis decides to be with him and he starts to think that maybe he stinks. After all he didn’t shower this morning yet. “Your name?” normally Louis never had this problem with kids, usually when he goes to the park he instantly makes dozen of new friends and sometimes they don’t even know each other's names – it’s not like he’s going to see them ever again but he still considers them friends for life.

The boy still doesn’t speak a word and this time he even breaks eye contact to look at the daisy in his hands. So the flower is more important. Louis frowns looking at the kid but he doesn’t see himself giving up so soon, he needs a friend and he’s really curious about this boy. He wants to know at least his name since, for what it seems, is going to be his new neighbour. Then he can go back home rested. Louis is breaking his mother’s rules because of him so he needs to walk away with something.

“I live in that house in front of yours” Louis points to his house and he actually follows Louis’ finger to see where he’s pointing at. But it doesn’t take much longer till he drops his head and looks at his lap where the flower is again. “Okay…” he sighs and tries the silence mode as well, however it doesn’t work for Louis. He’s not that type of kid. “How old are you?” he asks, after all that’s the main reason he came here for. Knowing someone’s age is as important as his name. He still gets no response and now the boy moves a little bit to be farther away from Louis. “Do I smell bad?” he probably does and the silence became his friend instead of the kid he planned to.

He doesn’t know what to do more but when looks around he sees where the boy picked the daisy. Two steps away from them there are tones of them, replacing the green from the grass by a beautiful white – definitely not beautiful for Louis. He stands up and gives those two steps to pick a fist of them, as many as he can – which is not much – and returns to his place next to the boy who was probably making a party on his mind because the annoying and stinky kid, named Louis was gone.

“Here!” he hands the flowers to the boy and he raises his head once again and Louis gives him the same smile he gave when said that  _hi._ This time the boy doesn’t look weirdly at him, his expression softens and he accepts the flowers Louis hands him, but it seems like he’s being really carefully not to touch Louis’ skin. “So I’ll try again.” He sits down and the boy follows him with his eyes “Hi! I’m Louis.”

Louis is almost sure the boy is trying hard not to smile back at him, till “Harry.” Louis is shocked, the boy–Harry can actually speak.

“So your name is Harry then…?!” He just wants to be sure but Harry doesn’t allow him to check because he doesn’t say anything. Maybe he’s a boy of very few words, or he’s shy and that’s what makes Louis curious, he never met a shy boy. “Got it.” he nods “How old are you Harry?” he insists

“Seven.” Louis is surprised and maybe jealous because Harry’s voice is not as pitchy like his, it’s deeper in a young way so he expected Harry to be older than him

“Really? I’m seven as well, I’m going to the second grade this year already and I’m going to make eight on Christmas Eve.” He says instead with a proud smile but imagines Harry asking himself why he needs to know that, he doesn’t really care, he just cares about the daisies.

“I’m going to the first grade.” Louis is more surprised now because he spoke more than a word in a round and that’s incredible. He speaks slowly but Louis finds himself liking the boy’s voice and wishing he’d speak more. He also finds weird the fact that they’ve the same age but Harry is only going to the first grade this year.

“When is your birthday?” he decides to ask since he said that detail to the boy about himself, so it’s fair. The answer he gets isn’t the answer he was expecting to because Harry just shrugs and gives his attention to the flowers. “You don’t know?” Harry keeps the silence again and Louis decides to respect it or just doesn’t show much interest anymore. “Were you from here or you came from another place?” He decides to talk after what seems, for him, minutes.

“London.” Louis doesn’t know really well where London is on the map but he expects to be far from Doncaster.

“Do you miss your friends?” Harry shakes his head and Louis looks weirdly at him “No? Why?” Louis missed his friends through the holidays, especially because he knows them since the kindergarten.

“I don’t have.”

“You don’t have friends?”

“I am always at home.” Harry is surprising Louis a lot and what he’s telling him makes him kinda sad, because what Harry says is, in fact, sad.

“Oh. Well we can be friends. I can be your first friend.” Louis says happily and satisfied with himself because there is only one thing better than making a new friend that is having the privilege of being the first friend the other person ever had.

Harry looks at him for an instant, maybe surprised and Louis is now sure that his eyes are green and it seems that is the first time he’s properly looking at Louis, properly to the point of memorising the other boy’s face so when he reaches home he’ll definitely remember it.

Then he looks away but in some way Louis doesn’t need words this time even if he wished though. “You don’t really talk much, do you?” Harry shakes his head touching the petals from one of the flowers Louis gave him with his fingers, almost as if he was petting them. He’s certain that it’s one of his because Harry put on the side the one he had before and seems to like much more the ones Louis picked up for him.

Right now he hopes Harry doesn’t talk much in general because, if not, it would mean he’s not talking much because of Louis himself. But instead of asking he says “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”

“Okay.” Harry simply answers, softly, still not looking at him and Louis hopes he got his idea and he sure is secure about it because he’s smiling. He just made a friend who doesn’t talk much but is going to talk with him anyway. “I like your pyjama.” The first time Harry was the first talking and Louis thinks that it’s a start and yeah, he understood Louis’ idea. He probably has been wanting to tell that to Louis for a long time because he didn’t look at him, he only had the memory.

“Really? Thanks, me too!” He laughs a bit and feels happier than ever. It’s his favourite pyjama so the fact Harry likes it makes him feel special. 

“Harry! It’s time to come home. Now!” He hears a voice and it almost sounds mad like when his mother shouts at him. When he looks at its direction he sees a woman, probably Harry’s mother, he thinks. She’s really nice dressed as well, she has his hand on his hip and looking directly at them. She’s blonde and looks like she wears too much makeup.

Harry stands up right away and starts walking towards the woman. Louis finds it odd, he didn’t even say anything to him but then “Thanks for the flowers, friend!” Harry turns around and says, waving the daisies Louis gave him, in his hands. It’s even the first time he smiles at Louis and he finds the urge to smile back at him immediately.

He runs back to his house and right in time because minutes later his parents and his sister come back. His mother finds weird the fact that he seems so cheerful but then she understands when Louis tells her he made a new friend named Harry and that he lives right next to them so now he can play with someone outside the school.

Fiona seems happy for the news – forgetting the fact that for meeting the boy Louis needed to get out of the house while she wasn’t present – and even tells him that later they can go all give a warm welcome to the neighbours and meet the so talked friend of Louis. He couldn’t be more excited for that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first chapter what do you think? Just reminding that the previous chapter was just the PROLOGUE so it has nothing to do with how the story will roll from now on. You'll understand how things will work and how important the prologue will be much later, but expect a lot of surprises in this fic !!


	3. Teddy Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

Louis spends his first days of his second year of school, on the playground looking for Harry. In his head, the only option Harry had was to choose the same school as his to frequent and Louis couldn’t wait to introduce him to his whole class.

For much of his sadness he got to know that Harry wasn’t at his school after all and when he asked him in what school he was then, Harry’s answer was ‘home’. Louis couldn’t believe it and was a bit confused with his answer. Harry explained to him that he had classes at home and by the way he had explained it to him, Louis, with eyes wide open, found it awesome and when he got home told his mom that he also wanted to have classes with Harry in his house. Fiona laughed at his son’s idea and explained to him that things didn’t work like he thinks and wants them to.

Louis didn’t find fair the fact that he has to wake up so early in the morning to go to school while Harry spends his time at home. But when Louis asked him if he finally had made new friends Harry only shook his head and said that he was the only student. Well if it is to be like that, Louis prefers keep going to his school normally.

Harry is home-schooled because he shows to his parents that he’s not ready to go outside and talk with other kids. For his parents is indifferent, if he’s at home at least someone is looking after him and they don’t need to worry about picking him in time at school and money is not a problem for them.

Louis only saw Harry’s parents twice – his mother thrice, counting the day they met – and he’s already frightened by them. He basically doesn’t like them, – not that it matters – maybe it’s because of the way they talk to Harry, it’s not as warm and soft as his mother when she speaks to him so he finds it uncomfortable. Or maybe by the way they always look like they’re angry or even because the three times Louis has asked Harry to go to his house they never allowed him to and he thinks they don’t want Louis in their home as well – but he can’t really prove that, Harry never really invited him over.

But things like this don’t really stop the two kids to be together. It’s not a surprise when Louis is always having the initiative to go and talk to the quiet boy and his mother is really shocked and surprised with Louis for simple reasons really. She notices that when they’re together, they’re always sit on the sidewalk in front of Harry’s house and when it’s raining they go to the top of the stairs of Harry’s house, under the roof. They only talk and when they don’t – when Harry doesnt feel like to – they just look at flowers, he leaves Harry doing whatever he does with the book he always shows up with. Louis is not a boy of flowers, he is a boy who likes to run, play and make a lot of noise and the fact that around Harry he behaves completely differently is extraordinary. And let’s underline  _Around Harry_ , because when he’s not with the boy he goes back to normal.

That’s all they do and Louis seems really happy with the friendship he has with little Harry, even if it’s different. And his pride of their friendship is so big that on his birthday, when he travelled to Manchester, to his grandpa's house he had to tell him about Harry. And that’s a huge step because his grandfather is his oldest friend, he’s someone really important to him and he loves him so much that when they see each other they keep talking for hours telling the news. The old man feels so alive with his grandson around that he even feels younger and Louis appreciates every moment he spends with him.

Louis is young but he’s an emotional and caring kid. He cares a lot about people and he easily creates an affection towards others. He also likes to protect them, like his young sister, they can fight a lot but he has this instinct to protect her right away when he finds her crying or if someone or something hurts her. So he doesn’t even realise when he builds the same instinct towards Harry and the fact that he’s younger than him helps with that. He doesn't really have to protect him from anything yet – instead of the bugs and bees – but if he ever has to, he will without hesitation.

So it’s not a big surprise when Louis and Harry are still friends the next summer and Louis doesn’t want to let him go, especially when he finally has someone to be with during that time of the year, so he’s not going to feel alone this year.

Harry doesn’t talk much but that doesn’t mean Louis doesn’t know the boy like the palm of his hand. He doesn’t find it weird anymore when Harry is not talking much – he learnt to respect it even – he knows Harry’s a special boy and doesn’t like to be around people. Louis is still too young to understand the reason behind it, it’s not only because Harry is still young and that it might be a phase but he doesn't feel bothered anyway. Harry doesn’t need to tell Louis that it’s time for him to leave because he wants to be alone and Louis doesn’t feel offended either. Also, Louis can see when Harry is sad but knows that he can’t ask him what’s wrong and those are the days that Louis is only there to make him company for a minute because Harry is not going to talk to him.

He knows Harry likes to listen to his jokes even if he doesn’t laugh much, that he likes blue, listening to the rain falling, drawing, reading, likes to pet cats and loves candies as much as flowers. Harry is definitely a different boy but maybe that’s why Louis likes him so much.

~*~

“Tomorrow I’m going to the beach!” He tells Harry the news he’s so thrilled about.

“I’ve never been there.” Harry says and Louis keeps feeling the small squeeze on his chest, like the first time, when Harry says something he thinks it's sad.

“No?” It’s almost impossible to believe “But going to the beach is so much fun Harry!” He smiles looking at him “You have the sun, you can build castles on the sand, you can go to the water when you feel too hot and you can play whatever you want with a ball because when you fall you don’t really hurt yourself.” He says in enthusiasm.

Harry nods and gives him a small smile as if saying  _yeah that sounds_ _funny_.

“Do you wanna come with me?”

Harry drops his smile “Not really. I’m kinda scared.” He admits

“Of what?”

“Maybe the water, I don’t know.” Harry shrugs and keeps drawing on his book which is on his lap.

“But you can stay on the towel. We’d have so much fun!” Louis repeats,  pouting. Going to the beach with Harry would be great and Louis can already imagine him running around with the green eyed boy.

But Harry shakes his head “I prefer staying here.” Louis knows that there’s nothing he can say or do to make him change his mind

“Okay.” However Louis can’t hide the small sadness he feels while his excitement disappears.

Harry notices it and looks at him again “Hm… Maybe another time, okay?”

Louis’ eyes shine “Promise?” Harry nods and Louis’ smile comes back. Harry wouldn’t lie and even if it takes ages for them to go the beach together he knows he won’t break his promise.

“Harry?” Louis calls him after minutes of their usual silence and he looks at Louis waiting for him to continue. Louis kinda feels relaxed with his time with Harry so he learnt that the silence isn’t that bad after all. But just sometimes. “Are you going to keep staying at home instead of going to school?” Harry doesn’t answer “I wanted you to come to school with me. It would be good.” Louis says. It’d be really good for Harry.

“Too much noise and people.” Harry speaks this time and once again breaks contact with his friend.

“Are you going to be at home forever?” Louis frowns and Harry shrugs “I really wanted you to go to the same school as me.” Louis looks forward while the cars pass in front of the house, there is no point looking at Harry when he doesn’t look back at him.

They don’t talk anymore that afternoon but when Louis is about to go back to his house Harry blurts “Okay” and Louis is not sure about what he’s talking about.

~*~

At the end of July Louis runs at Harry’s house and without thinking about anything he knocks strongly at the door as if he was trying to let go the exhilaration he’s feeling inside of him, it’s too much and it’s overflowing.

He’s thankful that is not Harry’s parents opening it – and if he wasn’t in that state he’d remember that they aren’t home and will just come back next week – but a middle aged woman who Louis is not sure who she is but knows that is the person who is taking care of Harry in his parents’ absence.

The woman already knows who Louis is so she turns around right after opening the door and calls for Harry. She’s nice, Louis thinks, and at least she allows Harry to be with Louis, she’s always carrying a warm smile on her face. Plus, she talks nicely to Harry.

Louis is literally jumping and can’t stay still so when Harry appears on the other side of the door, he doesn’t even allow his friend to walk outside to the balcony, Louis just explodes

“Harry, I’m going to have a little brother!” He shouts and not letting Harry react at the news, he jumps inside and hugs the boy strongly.

That was the first thought he had when Carl and Fiona, his parents, told him the news; telling Harry. He didn’t care about anything else, he didn’t think that he’d have someone to play with, that he’d finally have a brother instead of having only a sister, he just thought about sharing his happiness with Harry. And Harry might not have showed it and being just a bit back foot by Louis’ gesture, but he was happy for his friend.

~*~

For an eight years old boy, going to the second year of school, seemed to be easy peasy. It was for Louis and now that he’s on the third grade he feels like he can do everything with his hands and feet tied up so he thought it’d be for Harry as well. But he almost forgot the little detail that it’s the first time Harry interacts with this amount of kids, he feels uncomfortable and it’s just too crowded. He doesn’t know what to do and the only space he feels okay is in the bathroom far from the others or in the classroom when everyone tries his best to be in silence because they know the teacher is strict and he can study in peace. Harry actually likes to learn these new things and he likes this ambient but it’s only that, he hates the place because he needs to interact with others.

The other kids try to talk with him on the first weeks but he ignore them and feels like crying when they don’t give up. And Louis actually sees him crying, three days after the first day and it is actually the first time Louis sees Harry at school.

At first he is confused because,  _why is Harry here?_  But then it changes to surprise because Harry didn’t tell him that he was starting to come to school, then he’s excited and happy about it because it’s fantastic that he is here now. However when Harry looks up at him, with tears in his puffy eyes, which don’t look like to be green anymore, he needs to sit next to him, on the cold floor, in the corner of the pavilion.

“Harry? What’s wrong?” He keeps the distance he knows Harry needs but also shows his concern.

Harry looks away from him and if it weren’t for the circumstances, Louis would think it was his usual behaviour but right now he knows it’s because Harry doesn’t want Louis to see him crying. He hates when people see him like this. He’s so young and it’s so sad that he thinks this way.

“I wanna go home, Louis! I hate this place, they keep talking to me and they just won’t shut up. They’re so close and noisy, I can’t be here. I came to this place because you wanted me to but I don’t like it.” Louis feels like crying for seeing his friend like this, and Louis is not even the type of boy to think like this, but it was his choice of words and knowing that he decided to come to school because Louis told him so. It was the most and the fastest Harry had spoken to him and the fact that he was in tears made the squeeze Louis usually feels be more like a smash because he had never seen the boy crying before and he hopes this is the last time.

Louis decides that this is a good time to forget Harry’s personal space and closes it by hugging him, wrapping his arms around his body, forgetting that Harry has his knees against his chest while his arms wrapped around them.

“Don’t give up. I’m going to be with you.” He whispers and it’s such a sweet thing for an eight, almost nine, years old boy to say to his younger friend.

And he made his words act. They didn’t only start meeting at Harry’s balcony or sidewalk anymore, they also started being together on the school’s playground. They would share their snacks with each other and Harry started to talk a bit more, but only to talk about what he was learning. Louis already knew about that but he didn’t mind listening the boy’s voice more frequently. Harry is smart, he finds himself thinking once in a while because, in fact, Harry is.

A part of Louis feels relieved that Harry only went to school this year because he got to know him better and he remembered having the idea of introducing him to his classmates but now he knows it would never be a good idea. He doesn’t mind to replace them with Harry on the playground, he’s going to be with them inside the class anyway and it’s not like he’s concentrated all the time because most of it he’s joking around with them.

~*~

It’s the middle of January. A chilly and wet winter in Doncaster. Louis’ classes finished now and he’s about to meet his dad on the gate to go home. He covers his head with the hoody from his jacket to protect himself from the rain and runs the best he can, with his backpack, to reach his father. He knows he’ll listen to his protests about not having an umbrella with him all the time like he should.

However, when he’s already outside the gate and spotting his father’s car he sees the most improbable person standing there with an umbrella and a bag on the other hand.

“Hi Harry!” he even stops, not caring about the rain anymore. Harry gets closer to him so the umbrella can reach the blue eyed boy and protect him from the strong storm. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for my mom” He answers and Louis is almost sure that Harry’s supposed to go home before him because his classes end sooner than Louis’. He’s sure about it because they’ve talked about this subject.

“Since when?” he decides to ask looking weirdly at the boy but he should know that it’d be better to hurry up and walk to his father because he’s always in a bad humour after work.

Harry shrugs “It wasn’t raining yet.”

That was almost an hour ago. Louis doesn’t know what to say and chooses not to ask if they are even coming because if someone said that to him he’d be really upset because that would mean his own parents have forgotten to pick him up. Harry has been waiting all this time for his parents, in this cold day, with rain falling and it’s half past four so he must be starving.

Without thinking, and probably just by instinct he grabs Harry’s hand “You’re coming with me then” he says but doesn’t start walking right away because he still needs Harry’s approval

“But if they come here and don’t see me, they’ll get mad.” Louis looks at him with pity eyes

“They won’t… Just come with me, you can’t stay here in the cold rain.” Harry hesitates a bit, after all he never went to Louis’ house and it’s been more than a year that they’ve been friends. Even though, Harry knows Louis is just trying to help him and he does feel cold and hungry. So he nods and Louis can’t help but smile and starts walking towards his father’s car, under the small umbrella.

Louis opens the back door, holds Harry’s umbrella and tells him to get inside. Harry is so unsure about this but still does it because Louis’ smile is so warm and makes him so secure. Louis always finds hard closing umbrellas but this time he gets it quickly and climbs into the car to sit next to Harry.

“Hi dad!” Carl moves backwards to look at his son and then at his friend. “You know Harry!” He smiles and points at the boy who is only looking at his lap. “Can he come to our house?”

Carls frowns with the sudden idea but he kind of knows what’s up with the two kids so after a pause he nods and smiles at Harry, greeting him. The green eyed boy whispers a  _Hello_  and Louis’ father starts driving. He kinda knows his situation.

They reach the house quickly and Louis thinks it was quicker than usual. He’s so happy that Harry is finally going to his house that can’t stop grinning.

“Hi mom!” Louis greets Fiona and puts his backpack on the kitchen's floor. His mother is preparing him his snack and he already knows the routine so he sits on the seat in front of the island. She smiles and looks at him, then at Harry – who is still looking down – , after that at her husband, who gives her a look and then a sweet smile referring to the quiet boy.

“Harry came with us today! Is that okay?” Louis smiles dancing with his legs that, of course, can’t reach the floor.

“Of course honey! Hi Harry” Harry finally looks up at her and whispers a quiet  _Hello_

“C’mon Harry sit next to me, let’s eat something.” Louis taps the seat next to him and Fiona gives Harry a smile and he takes it as if she is saying that it’s okay for him to sit down. So he does it after putting his bag on the floor.

“I’m going to make hot chocolate for you two, meanwhile have a taste from the cake I made” she puts the cake on the island in front of the two boys as well as two plates and Harry is probably thinking that this thing of Louis always smiling is genetic.

Louis notices how tense he feels so he makes sure to cut a piece of cake for Harry and put it on his plate, he also tries to transmit at his friend that it’s all okay “Imagine that we’re on your balcony and it’s just the two of us.” he whispers and Harry nods. Louis feels special because he realises that Harry only feels comfortable around him, he’s not afraid of talking to him, is able to look at him in the eyes and basically allows himself to be who he is with no fears,  _Around Louis_.

They eat in silence and when Louis’ mom gives them their hot chocolate Louis knows Harry automatically loves it by the approval sounds he makes. After they’re finished she tells them that they can go to Louis’ room and for them to wear fresh socks because theirs must be soaked from the rain.

They do it and Louis shows Harry his room, all his toys, shows him his books – and even lends Harry one of his favourites since he loves reading so much since he learnt it – he even tells him what he usually does after sleep, he always covers his bed with blankets, pillows and stuffed toys and then just lays down between all of it, playing with them till he falls asleep.

Harry giggles and tells him that he does the same and that his teddy bear always helps him to feel safe on the dark of his room. They keep telling secrets to each other that swear not to tell anyone else – not that they have someone to – while Louis shows Harry his car's collection with which they end up playing.

Louis can tell the time the two of them spend in his room isn’t enough and it passes too quickly because then his mother enters the room saying that Harry’s mother is downstairs asking if Harry is there.

The two walk downstairs and Louis can already tell how tense Harry is again. His mother is by the front door, her hand on her hip – and where did Louis see that already? – but her face is different. Not softer, no, that’s almost impossible, it is madder than the usual. She should be worried by not knowing where her son is, not mad.

“Why didn’t you wait for me at school?” She shouts and Louis flinches by her raspy and cold tone yet Harry doesn’t even move, he doesn’t take his eyes from the floor.

“Look at me!” she shouts once again and Louis doesn’t take his eyes from his friend.

Harry doesn’t look and Louis starts to worry about it because his mother looks so mad, almost as if she were going to explode from annoyance.

“That’s why you were better at home, I didn’t have to be worrying about this!” Louis gives a step back when the woman grabs Harry’s little arm and pulls him outside.

Louis’ mouth opens, she seems to be holding him so tightly that the image of her hurting him makes him shiver, but worst, worst is the way Harry keeps his eyes on the floor and moves his feet quickly to follow his mother.

Louis’ mother seems as shocked as him by the woman’s behaviour. She didn’t even thank her for taking care of her son. It was her fault for not being in time to pick Harry up. He waited, he waited almost an hour. That poor, fragile and little boy was waiting on the cold rain for his mother who, for what it seems, had better and more important things to worry about.

“Mom? Does Harry’s mother love him?” He asks all of a sudden when the door is already closed and he is sat on the kitchen counter watching his mother making dinner.

"Oh Louis, of course she does!" Fiona says and even stops whatever she was doing to look at her son

"But she doesn’t seem to!"

"She was probably tired and too worried to act properly" Fiona says hoping that what she is saying is right.

"Was it my fault that she screamed at Harry that way?" Louis asks in concern.

His mother walks towards him and caresses his brown and soft hair “No it wasn’t sweetheart! You’re a good boy and Harry is lucky for having you as a friend.” Louis smiles. He always believes his mother’s words so it’s relaxing to listen to that. “I know you like that boy a lot so make sure to always help him when he needs to, alright?” Louis nods because that’s what he plans to do even when they are both in their twenties and can take care of themselves, Louis will be there to make sure Harry is okay.

Later that night, when Louis is in his bedroom ready to go bed he decides to look through his window and since it gives the view to the front of his house, he can see Harry’s house, along with Harry’s window from his room. The light is on and he can see a shadow moving behind the curtains. He stays some time looking till what he was wishing, happens. Harry appears behind the glass, pushing the curtains at the side.

He opens the window and looks at the sky feeling the chilly air on his face. Louis observes him and feels sad that can’t see Harry closer. He seems not to notice him looking at him until he decides to look forward. He’s surprise but then Louis opens his window as well, letting the cold air enter his room - at least it’s not raining anymore.

Louis waves at him because he doesn’t dare to talk loudly now. Harry does it as well and Louis smiles. Then he points with his index finger downstairs and Harry gives him a confused look. He keeps pointing at the street and gesturing some weird things. He disappears from the window, closing it and leaving Harry confused till minutes later it hits him.

The two boys make their best to open the front door in silence and walk outside without anyone noticing them.

"Hi!" For the world’s surprise, Harry says when Louis reaches his sidewalk.

"Are you okay?" Louis asks him and the boy nods. "Did your mom shout at you a lot?" Harry shrugs and Louis sighs "I’m sorry!" Louis decides to say because he knows if he hadn’t asked Harry to come with him, his mother would’ve not mistreated him. He just couldn’t leave his friend alone.

"It’s okay."

"I wanna give you this," Louis hands him the teddy bear he was carrying with him since he got out of his house. Harry looks at the brown and fluffy teddy bear with a plaid tie on his neck and then accepts it. "It’s going to take care of you when I’m not around, so when you’re feeling sad and your mom shouts at you, you can hug him." Louis smiles and Harry doesn’t feel the cold from the night anymore. "It can also help you to feel safe at night" Louis finishes

Harry holds the bear tightly against his chest and gives his dimply smile at his kind friend. “Thank you, Lou!” Louis feels good with the cute name Harry calls him, especially because he loves the boy’s sweet voice. “Can I call it Lou?” He points at the bear

“Yes!” Louis says happily and honoured

"I need to go now." Harry says looking behind him to the door of his house.

"Me too. Good night Harry"

"Good Night Lou!" Harry says before starting to walk back to his house. Louis does the same, carefully crossing the street. He runs to his room and changes his wet socks and lays down on his bed, proud of helping his friend and for making his mother’s words from this afternoon acts.

 


	4. Happy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

Louis is going to turn ten in a week and he doesn’t think about anything else but that. He’s on fourth grade and considers himself a man already – poor eluded boy.  He thinks this year his birthday will be more special than the usual because he has a brother now, he’s going to spend the day in his house, so his grandfather is already in Doncaster, and the best of that is that Louis is going to introduce him to Harry. Louis wants to spend his birthday with Harry so maybe this year he’ll manage to do that.

Harry’s parents are at work when he goes to Louis’ house to eat Christmas’ cookies and drink hot chocolate. Louis introduces him to his grandfather with a wild grin in his face. Harry knew the old man already by how many times Louis talked about him so Harry makes his best not to keep looking at the floor when he shakes his hand with a warm smile on his lips, he knows how important this is for Louis.

Harry keeps looking in awe at Louis’ Christmas tree and tells his friend that it’s really big, shinning and beautiful. Louis tells him, proudly, that he helped decorating it and Harry tells him that he would love to decorate a Christmas tree one day. Louis would find weird that fact if he didn’t know Harry this well by now and wasn’t so used to the squeeze inside of him when Harry says things like this. But as always, Louis works with his mind to make something to cheer his friend up.

“Let’s make our own Christmas tree” He tells Harry and he is sure he never saw the boy looking at him with such green, widen, shining and full of life eyes. His lips form the most enormous grin Louis ever saw and he finally realises the two dimples little Harry makes in each cheek of his.

Louis asks his mother to give him the small Christmas tree he knows they have and some small decorations. Louis makes sure that his grandfather is up to help the two and Harry doesn’t seem bothered about that. It’s a small tree but enough for them to be occupied for half an hour, working hard so it can looks the best possible. As a result it’s full of colourful balls, laces and lights and Louis offers it to Harry saying that is going to be his Christmas’s present for him.

“But I don’t have anything for you” Harry says worried and holding the tree in his small hands

“It’s okay, you can be my Christmas present” Louis smiles and finds Harry’s cheeks turning red and maybe it’s because of the cold, he thinks. “So come to my birthday.”

Harry nods and for the second time that day, he smiles widely at his friend “I’m gonna try.” he doesn’t promise anything but Louis is sure that he’s going to make it, he is going to try his best.

~*~

“So beautiful Harry!” Louis says, standing in front of Harry and leaning his head forward to have a better look to what Harry is drawing on his so familiar black book. Harry jumps from the shock since he wasn’t expecting Louis to come back that sooner from his house with the blankets.

Harry tried his best to tell his friend that he was fine and it wasn’t that cold, but Louis didn’t believe it since his cheeks were flushed, his nose cold, his eyes weird and he was shaking. Louis wouldn’t guess – no one would – that Harry was that way because Louis kept leaning too close to his side, touching his cheeks to check if he really was okay, brushing Harry’s hair to the side with his soft fingertips when they would fall down in front of his eyes so he couldn’t see what he was doing on the paper.

Harry composes himself and offers him a small smile. He doesn’t close the book as soon as Louis appears since he was only drawing the Christmas tree Louis gave him. But it sure doesn’t look like the same tree because Louis knows that the real one isn’t that beautiful and with those amount of details. For a nine years old boy, Harry is a genius in art and Louis doesn’t even realise how proud of his friend he is.

Louis puts one blanket around Harry’s shoulders and he thanks him, then he does the same with himself sitting next to the other boy, on his previous place. Harry sure feels more comfortable and warm now but he decides not to say it.

Louis notices that Harry is quieter than the usual so he knows something is bothering the younger boy. He also knows that he probably won’t know the reason why but he always tries, maybe from curiosity or maybe from concern – it’s the second option really. “What’s wrong?”

Harry takes time to open his mouth and let go any sound “I can’t go…” He says in a low tone.

Louis looks at him weirdly “Where?”

“Your birthday.” Louis heart drops and Harry knew that Louis’ smile would fade away and he’d look like he just lost her mother in the park. He knew his eyes would lost the glow and would look down, disappointed and sad. He knew, so he made sure to turn away and look at the end of the stairs from his balcony that are wet from the rain that fell down in the previous night. That’s the sadder thing a boy like Louis has to listen to. 

“Oh.” Little Louis says, his voice low and dead.

He doesn’t say anything else and Harry finds it odd because Louis doesn’t keep silence in times like this… in any time really. When Harry looks at his friend he sees him playing with his fingers on his lap, pouting, with a sad face and his small fringe going to the front of his forehead. So Harry finds the urge to do something, to move, to talk. He gets closer from Louis and hesitantly pulls away the small locks of hair that were probably bothering Louis, like he previously have done to him. His cold fingertips brush on Louis’ soft skin and makes Louis look at his friend in awe.

“I’m so sorry Lou. I wish I could go.” Louis knows Harry is being honest because Harry never lies. Harry just speaks truthful things, things with feelings, things that matter. He doesn’t talk much but when he does he says things that have a meaning, intelligent things even, besides his age. He always thinks before he speaks and that’s one of the many things Louis likes the most about Harry.

“I wish you could as well.” Louis says and he doesn’t feel as bad as he was before because Harry is allowing him to be close to him, his knees are touching and his cold fingers are above each other’s while they’re rested on the cold floor from the balcony. “You’re my best friend after all and that was the thing I wanted the most.” He admits and Harry face changes to surprise.

“Best friend?”

“Of course you dork!” he gives him a small and friendly push by his shoulder with a smile. He considers Harry his best friend since the first summer they spent together because Harry didn’t let him spend those days alone, he made him company. Harry offered himself to Louis so he could be his friend, so he could have someone. But Louis didn’t know that it was more like the otherwise. “You’re my best friend.” His voice comes out tenderly, his smile is soft and it seems like he has lights besides his eyes.

Harry’s expression is probably the same – or stronger – as Louis and what he does next makes Louis know, without words, that Harry considers him his best friend as well and is so thankful for that. He wraps his arms around Louis’ neck and gives him a comfortable hug, letting the blanket fall down from his body. Louis holds him by his back and move his hand up and down through it.

He’s sure he hears the boy whispering a  _“Thank you”_  and that makes him really happy.

~*~

Before Louis starts the fifth grade Harry decides to be more open to him and tell him what he is feeling before it is too late. He says that he knows Louis is going to make new friends, he is older than him and Harry is only on the fourth grade so Louis shouldn’t spend the same amount of time with him like he spent these last three years, at school. Louis laughs. For him, this conversation doesn’t make any sense and sounds like grown up discussions

 _“You’re my best friend and I promised that I was going to be there for you.”_ Louis reminds the boy.  _“So I will”_  He finishes, he sure isn’t expecting breaking this promise because he doesn't want to see Harry crying like last time, alone, curled up in a corner because he hates school and the people from there. Harry needs extra caution, he’s strong yes but at the same time fragile and Louis can see that and since he’s the only person Harry feels comfortable with – he’s sure he’s not like this around his family as well – Louis needs to take advantage of it and take care of the green eyed boy.

The fact that Louis makes Harry understand his words clearly and makes him know that just because he is going to the fifth grade it doesn’t mean he is going to leave him, makes the green eyed boy enjoy the rest of the summer more relaxed. Louis isn’t going anywhere.

~*~

Louis only gets to know when Harry’s birthday is when he is about to turn eleven. It’s a mere coincidence, really, because it could easily pass another year without Louis knowing that important detail, which took him basically five years to find out. Louis forgot that Harry is a normal person who grows up and has on the calendar a day to celebrate another year from being alive.

It is in a hot Wednesday, fifty-fifth of August, the sun is shining outside and Louis wants to get out of the house. He doesn’t know if it’s hotter outside or inside, so he much prefers being outside since is summer and spending these day at home is almost consider a crime. He’s bored but there isn’t much he can do.

He doesn’t spend time with Harry in a week because he’s too busy studying the subjects he’s going to have this year since he’s going to the fifth grade now and he needs to have new responsibilities. Now Louis doesn’t understand how Harry loves to learn new things, especial the ones they learn at school. Louis is going to the sixth grade and he can’t see the time of finishing it already. They’re really different in this case but if we see things better, it’s not only in this, they’re different in everything but in their eyes that’s not a bad thing.

 “Mom, I’m going to meet Harry.” He says dressing back his blue t-shirt while walking down the stairs

“Did he finish studying already?” She asks, walking to the hall from the kitchen, laughing.

She had to hear Louis complaining about Harry not having time for his best friend because he has to study.  _“Who does even study on summer holidays?”_ he asked her in annoyance but didn’t even allow her to answer at his rhetoric question by adding  _“He doesn’t even look at me anymore, he probably forgot who I am!”_ his mother laughed. It was hard for them to go on vacations for five days because Louis wouldn’t shut up about how he was wasting his time he had with Harry by coming to the beach and then they come back and Harry is in his studying mode.

Louis secretly complains with his mom in his head by her being mocking him “I don’t know but I’m going anyway.” he says and Fiona nods. But then he stops and thinks for a moment “Should I go?” he asks then unsure “I mean… I can be bothering him. Maybe he wants to be alone.”

“Oh Louis…” she shakes her head in fond by his son’s words “You should do what makes you happy, dear.”

And those are the words that make Louis nod firmly and open the front door more confidently now. He’s going to call Harry to feel the fresh – more like warm, hot and sweaty – air and he already knows where he is taking his best friend to.

He goes running to the other side of the street – his mother, and even Harry, already warned him about the fact of him not looking at both sides to see if there is any car coming because that’s dangerous. Though Louis keeps ignoring. He knocks at the door with no problem, knowing that by this time of the year Harry’s parents go on vacations for two weeks and leave Harry with a nanny – Louis doesn’t even bother to ask Harry why he doesn’t go with them because he knows the plenty reasons behind it and doesn’t need to know more – and for how incredible that is, it’s Harry answering at it.

“Alleluia, you’re out of the dock” Louis jokes and Harry looks at him rubbing his eyes. Was he sleeping at this time of the day? He’s only wearing denim shorts and flip flops, his hair is going all the ways and Louis thinks it looks much longer and darker than last year. “Is your babysitter here?” he says peeking at the inside 

“She's not really a babysitter Louis” Harry says in his sleepy voice. He was really sleeping “And no she went to the grocery… I think.”

“All right, dress a shirt because we’re going to take a walk.” Louis says grinning and Harry only looks at him “C’mon Harry, it’s been weeks since we’re together. Are you going to study again?”

He shakes his head “Finished this morning.”

“So please let’s go.” He pouts but doesn’t keep still.

“I can’t.” he answers quietly and Louis sighs in frustration

“I’m bored and you’re my only option.” And he’s starting to sweat by being stood up here and taking with the sun on his back while the fresh air from Harry’s house hits his chest.

Harry sighs as well and without saying any more word, shuts the door, leaving just a little edge opened and goes back to the inside. Minutes later he appears full dressed and brings a cap to Louis while he’s already using his. Louis thanks him and holds his hand to start running, for Harry surprise, walking down the stairs and going through the sidewalk.

“Louis! Where are we going?” he shouts and it’s probably the loudest Louis ever heard him talking

“You’ll see.” He says not stopping and if Harry wasn’t in a good mood he’d make Louis stop running and holding his hand so tightly to the point of both being sweaty. He normally is in a better mood when his parents are out.

When Louis stops, not too far from the neighbourhood – it’s pretty close, actually – he faces Harry with a small but pretty garden. The grass is really green since it has automatic irrigation every morning, there is around three banks next to the huge trees, which help to make a shadowy places and if it wasn’t summer it’d be full of little and colourful flowers, roses and daisies – so Louis asks himself why he never bought Harry here, especially in that time of the year so he could see the flowers. And the best part of this place is the lake in the middle. It probably occupies half of the space but it’s great to watch because it has big and small rocks around, aquatic plants and a mini waterfall, which makes a relaxing sound.

Harry looks at the place with mouth semi open and eyes looking around attentively

“Like it?” Louis asks looking at his best friend and only drops his hand when Harry looks at him and nods “My grandpa brought me here once on my birthday” it was the year he spent it in Doncaster and Harry couldn’t go – but he doesn’t mention it. It didn’t end up to be a bad day even thought it would be better if Harry could appear. He almost forgot about the place and now that it’s not winter and he comes back here, the place doesn’t seem the same.

“It’s beautiful” Harry says and starts running through the grass. Louis smiles looking at him, he never really saw him this way, his eyes shining this way, so free and excited. It takes some minutes to Louis walk beside his best friend by being appreciating the moment. By now Harry is already sat on the edge of the lake, his shoes along with his cap next to him and his small feet are under water.

Louis does the same, resting his hands behind his back, pressed on the grass, to hold himself. “Kind of deep!” he says looking down at the water

“Kind of scary” Harry says half serious half joking. Louis chuckles and moves his feet splashing some water “Hey!” Harry protests laughing a bit and pushes him by his forearm to make it stop

Louis laughs losing a bit his balance but then keeps doing the same, then Harry does it as well but moves faster than Louis so at the end they’re both giggling at each other and soaked in water, but that’s not really a problem since with the warm air they’re going to dry quickly.

Harry lays down on the grass, still with his feet under water and Louis takes the opportunity to take another look at his best friend. He has a truly smile on his lips, his hands are underneath his head, as a pillow, and he’s looking at the blue sky.

“What are you thinking about?” Louis decides to ask. It’s a rare thing to see Harry this way and he wants to make sure that he knows exactly what the boy thinks while he’s smiling so he can live this more often, make him think about that so he can smile more frequently.

Harry closes his eyes and Louis notices that he seems so much older and mature than him, but he’s only ten “That this is the best birthday ever.” Okay he’s only eleven now

“Birthday? It’s your birthday?!” Louis asks in surprise and shock. Harry nods laughing a bit “I didn’t know. Happy Birthday!” He says with a wide smile and if it wasn’t their positions he’d hug his best friend. Harry opens his eyes and gives him a lazy but big smile, reaching his dimples “I don’t have anything for you.” Louis says sadly. He wanted to give Harry a special and official birthday present.

"But you did." Louis raises his eyebrow looking at him and Harry notices the way Louis’s looking at him and laughs once again "You gave me yourself" Harry says soflty and Louis notices what he did there so he laughs, both laugh because their friendship is so weird but so comfortable.

Louis lays down on the grass next to Harry, like he is, his elbow touching, and after some time of just listening to the sounds the nature offers them, Louis decides to talk about something he has been wanting to talk with Harry for a while, because there it is, Harry has always something good to say and he knows he can talk about anything and nothing with him.

"Harry?" he calls him

"Louis?" Louis chuckles

"The other week my friend from school... kissed a girl on the lips for the first time." He starts and is not surprised when Harry doesn't say anything "He says it was really special and I'm curious about it.” he makes a pause trying to organize all the questions and doubts he has “Did you ever think about kissing a girl?"

"Not really. I never really talked properly to a girl, did you?" Louis is surprised that Harry is getting along with the conversation

"Talked to a girl? Yes, they are okay." He answers. Louis made some girl friends but they don't play football like the boys so he doesn't spend much time with them

"No, have you ever thought about k-kissing a girl?"

Louis ponders for a minute and then gives with himself frowning "Not really. But... I wanted to have my first kiss." He looks at the side to see Harry’s profile. His expressions are usually hard to read but Louis got used to it and he understands quite well the other boy. But now it’s hard because he can’t tell if Harry is uncomfortable or just fine and indifferent with the subject. Or maybe he’s bored or maybe he’s curious about it, but it’s always hard to difference, even being two complete different feelings. Things are always tougher with Harry.  

The silence Harry gives as an answer is normal but Louis really wanted to know more, wanted to clear his mind and his doubts. He wanted to ask his mother how’s this thing of having his first kiss, how should it be, if it has rules, what’s the feeling, if kiss on the cheek counts, with who he should do it… but he feels like it’d be like telling her his bad grades. He sees his parents kissing sometimes and for what he knows married people normally do it. But his friend isn’t married and he kissed a girl so he’s confused. He knows he can’t do it with everyone but then how does that work?

“Do you know how to do that?” So he decides to ask Harry because he’s supposed to know everything in Louis’ point of view, for how idiotic that must be.

Harry shrugs and Louis doesn’t take his eyes off of him, so he’s with his head on the side feeling the grass on his ears and not caring about it dirtying his hair. “I suppose there is no right way of doing that.” Louis takes that as a good answer “I think you do that with someone you like and their lips just touch.” Harry is making a weird face but Louis still takes what he says very seriously “I think it’s disgusting.”

“I don’t think it is.” Louis says instead and Harry doesn’t give the weird look at the sky anymore he gives it to Louis

“Ew Louis.” Louis laughs with his friend’s face “You use your mouth to eat and let’s not forget about the saliva.” Louis thinks about it. Harry has a point but Louis still finds the idea of kissing someone he likes on the lips thrilled.

“But if you like that person it wouldn’t matter, right?” Harry’s expression changes as if he’s thinking about the words he just listened to "Do you wanna try it?”

Harry's eyes open widely "What?”

“Do you wanna try it Harry? With me.” this words flow from Louis’ lips easily and he says it normally. Harry can’t understand how he says such thing with no fear and so certainly. More like how does he even can say that?

“I don’t think we’re supposed to do that” Harry says instead of answering

“Why?”

“Because we’re two boys.” Louis thinks Harry is right in a way but that doesn’t stop him to lift his head up and support the weight from his body in his arm. Harry keeps in his position, now looking up at Louis and is thankful for the light from the sun not being hitting his light eyes and bothering him.

“But we like each other. We are best friends.” Louis tries to make his point clear. He doesn’t see anything bad in this and he never heard that two boys can’t kiss, even two girls. Harry said that there is no right way to kiss so it must have no rules as well. “And like this your first kiss can be with me and my first kiss can be with you.” Louis smiles “There is nothing wrong Harry because it’ll be special.”

Harry finds himself smiling along with the blue eyed boy “Okay…” he says and his voice comes out kinda shaky

“Okay?” Louis asks and Harry nods. Louis gives him a smile before getting closer to him. Harry can’t move and can’t understand how Louis seems so relaxed – thought he really isn’t, he’s kinda nervous as well because he doesn’t know how to do it and how it will be – so when he sees Louis, still holding himself by his arm, leaning over so their faces get closer and closer, he doesn’t waste time on shutting his eyes tightly.

Harry’s right thigh and Louis’ left one touch side by side, the arm that is supporting Louis is beside Harry’s head and that’s it. Harry feels Louis’ soft hair from his fringe, tickling his cheek, and then Louis’ lips are touching his. It seems like Harry holds his breath when Louis keeps still with their soft and thin lips brushing. Louis closed his eyes right in the moment he felt them on Harry’s and he makes sure to keep them closed as long as the kiss lasts. The sounds they used to hear around them seem to be quiet, Louis feels calm, weird, but calm and he pulls gently and slowly away after six seconds, only because he felt it passed much longer.

He only opens his eyes when stops from pulling away. Their faces are still close but Louis decides to give Harry the space he needs now – which is not much because the space Harry needs is not the one Louis wants right now. Harry has his eyes open before Louis so he’s faced with wide green open eyes looking at him and parted lips so he stays looking at him more time than the necessary - but it's not like Louis notices himself doing it.

“So…? Was it okay?" Louis asks and feels his nerves growing bigger. What if Harry thinks this wasn't right? What if he stops talking with Louis? What if Louis invaded too much Harry's personal space? Young Louis doesn't know what to think or say anymore he just hopes Harry is okay.

His worries disappear when Harry sits up, nods and gives Louis a soft smile "You were right, it was special." He speaks and Louis is almost sure this is all he'll get from Harry, that's all he'll say out loud about this and Louis does think that is more than enough because it was special for him as well. After all Harry is his best friend and he is growing up with him so why not sharing all the special and first things he has to live with, with the beautiful and green eyed boy that is in front of him? No one has ever told him that it’s wrong yet. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This firsts chapters are so special for me because they're still so young and i can't wait for you guys to read it. I don't have anything special to say but i think i'm so used to say something in each chapters that i can't let it go without an author's note.


	5. He's gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

It’s when Harry is twelve and Louis thirteen that happens the first conflict to make them realise how important, special and precious a friendship like theirs is. It’s in the worst way and for the first time realising this kind of thing they deserved to understand it in a less tragic way. But maybe it was what they needed so that their friendship could grow up, get stronger and so that they could gain more maturity. They’re so young, still, their friendship is so much more than what someone can expect from two kids in their age. Louis never made a friend like Harry, one that in his little head he could think that is so special to the point of not wanting to lose him so it can last and last. Louis was Harry’s first friend, which is something unique and something to make Harry think the same way as Louis. If it wasn’t Louis, Harry would be such a sadder kid… Louis makes him feel comfortable enough to act like a twelve years old and this, since they met.

But that’s not the point now, the point here is how they can help each other in such tender age. Support each other and see when the other needs help.

It all starts when Louis and his siblings have to stay the whole day and night in their aunt’s house on a Saturday because their parents say they need to go somewhere. They don't tell them where they are going and Louis doesn’t show much curiosity about it neither, because he is too worried about how he won't be able to be with Harry and also because he’ll get too bored in her aunt’s house. Then his mother allows him to take his PSP to solve the second problem but he still has the first one, which is the biggest one.

He can’t do anything about it so the day passes so on Sunday their parents appear to pick them up to go home. They look really tired and he is sure he sees his mother crying at her room, late at night. Louis doesn’t know what is going on but he lets it pass until on Thursday his mother doesn’t spend the night at home – which is something he is used to with his father since he’s a doctor but now he doesn’t understand. He asks Carl, his father, where she is going and he says he doesn't need to know, which makes Louis more curious.

He tells Harry about what has been happening on the next day at school and Harry tells him that Louis will end up knowing sooner or later so he should just wait. So it is what he does. He waits and the answer for it comes sooner than he expected.

It’s Friday and Louis is waiting for his father to pick him up. He’s late fifteen minutes which is unusual because he always arrives five minutes before the bell rings, Louis thinks that he might be working today but forgot to call Fiona to pick him instead, but then… he would never forget something like this.

If at least Harry was here he could have someone to talk with but he only had classes in the morning and all his friends are gone as well. Besides, to make matters worse, it’s cold and raining so he has to be sat on the bus stop not to catch the drops of water – bad time not to listen his parents about the umbrella thing.

5 minutes pass and he spots his father’s car. He sighs in annoyance, standing up from the uncomfortable seat and runs towards the car, opening the door quickly “What took you so long? I was freezing out there!” He protests and drops his backpack on his feet while putting the seatbelt. His father doesn’t say a word, not even a Hi or his usual  _how was your day_. He makes a weird face and looks through the rear-view mirror to see his father’s dead expression “Dad?”

“We talk when we reach home.” Carl’s voice is raspy but it’s not his intention to sound mad at Louis

“O-Okay…”

Louis feels like he never reaches home that all the traffic lights decide to turn red, the whole people decide to walk by every crosswalk when their car drives pass and due to the rain his father decides to drive slower than normal.

When he finally spots his house and his father parks in the garage he gets out of the car with his heart beating fast. He thinks about all the mistakes he could have done at home, all the tests he took a bad grade and didn’t show to his parents, everything that could put his father like this. It happened once so maybe it’s gonna happen again. He really feels like something is not right.

When he walks to the kitchen he realises that what is about to happen is not something that will put him grounded. His mother wouldn’t cry because of some mistake he could have done. “Mom?” he drops his backpack on the floor and watches Fiona sitting on the small sofa from the kitchen with her hands on her lap and eyes filled with tears. It’s rare to see his mother crying, he probably just saw her once, when she cried overjoyed when told him she was pregnant by Peter, his three years old brother. But that’s nothing compared with what he’s seeing now, she’s not crying from happiness, for sure “Mom, what happened? Where’s Zoe and Peter?” They usually are here when he arrives from school 

Fiona tries to talk but when her mouth opens to come out words she sobs and takes her hands to his face. Carl appears behind him and squeezes his shoulders. “Louis…” He starts and he pulls away from him to turn around and look at his father

“What is happening?” he’s so scared and confused.

“Grandpa… Your grandpa died” His father looks down and everyone could feel the pain and tiredness through his voice.

His mouth falls open and his eyes look at the tall man in front of him widely. He shakes his head frenetically and holds his tears because there is no reason to cry, this is a lie, this is not happening and with a bit of luck this is just a dream, a bad dream “No.” he says “No, no, no... It’s not true.” He says louder this time and he keeps shaking his head denying everything his father told him. “Mom?” he turns around to see his mother now stood up walking towards him “It’s not true. Grandpa is fine, he is in Manchester and next week we’re going to visit him for his birthday, right?” he’s holding himself, he’s trying to be the strongest he can be because he can’t cry. He’ll wake up on his bed, he’ll be in his mother’s arms and she’s going to whisper that it was all a nightmare and everything is okay now.

“Louis…” She whispers between sobs and watching his son’s face changing from fear, anxiety to sadness is the worst thing for her so her, tears don’t stop streaming down her face.

“No-“ he shouts

“Louis, he was sick… he’s not with us anymore but-“

“He’s not dead!” He cries interrupting his father. His bottom lip is trembling and his eyes start burning. He made himself promise last year that he can’t cry like this, especially in front of his parents. They shouted at him when he was having bad grades and he started crying, but he’s a man, he keeps telling himself, he can’t cry like this. “He’s fine.” He talks lowly this time, more like if he is trying to convince himself with his words

“Louis,” his father gives a step forward and raises his hand, probably to hug him but Louis pulls away the touch shaking his head and looking at his father in horror. His mother doesn’t stop crying, he feels suffocated and as if the walls were moving ready to smash him.

The only thing he thinks to do at the moment is running. He runs away from there, his father tries to catch him when he runs next to him but he doesn’t catch him. Louis’ mother stops him to go after Louis and lets him open the door and run away from that house. Louis could possibly run to his room and lock the door but he chooses to cross the road and go knock at his neighbour’s house. Of course.

He’s still not crying but he’s sobbing and his throat hurts by the strength he’s making not to allow the tears from falling down. He’s shaking and it’s not because of the cold air and the fact that he’s wet by the rain. The door is opened and right in the moment he sees Harry’s face the tears he was trying so hard to hold are stronger than him and he starts crying. Tears and tears fall down and concern is written upon Harry’s face. Louis’ holds tightly his sleeves from his shirt and presses his lips together.

“Louis?” he has heard his name being called so many times in the past five minutes but this one is different. The words are spoken in a different way, with a different meaning and this time Louis actually hears it properly.

Harry immediately walks closer to his best friend and wraps his arms around him for a moment to pull away just to grab Louis' wrist and walk with him to the inside. He rests his hands on Louis’ shoulders “Lou? Look at me, what happened?” Louis raises his head and if he wasn’t in this state would notice that Harry is as tall as him and just last year was shorter but his vision is blurry by the tears.

“G-Grandpa…Gran-dpa… my-“

“Lou, breathe. Stop crying, please.” Harry doesn’t drop his hands from Louis’ shoulder but he’s forced to do it when Louis closes the gap between them to hug him again. Louis buries his face on his shoulder and Harry doesn’t care about the tears wetting his shirt, he takes his hand to Louis’ back and the other to his head and lets his friend cry.

“He died.” Louis finally manages to let out the words after telling himself millions of times that he’s a man and needs to control himself “My grandpa… died.” Harry freezes. He usually doesn’t speak much but now, now he wants to say everything he has in his mind. He wants to talk till he doesn’t have more breathe because he needs to. He needs to say something to comfort his friend, his best friend. But he knows there is nothing he can say that will make Louis feel better and Louis isn’t expecting to hear anything – he doesn’t want to because he wouldn’t stop crying, he can’t imagine how deep Harry’s words would be.

Louis still doesn’t believe in this but he’s metalizing himself that he won’t go to Manchester next week, he won’t see his grandfather, he won’t go to watch the football match they were planning to see, he’s not also expecting to talk to him about the good news he has and all the things he has done with Harry because he knows, he knew his grandfather liked to listen to him talking about his best friend. He won’t have any other good Christmas with him, he’s not going to complete his jersey collection… he’s gone and there’s nothing Louis can do, not even bringing back his memories.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Harry says minutes later when Louis cries turn out to sobs. He squeezes Louis’ arms and takes his hand to walk with him to his room.

Louis cleans his face with the fabric of his shirt, from his arm when Harry makes him sit on his bed. Louis doesn’t even care that this is the first time he is here, the first time he walked past Harry’s front door and hall to the inside of his house. If it was in another circumstance he’d be looking around and watch all the details from Harry’s room that he was so curious about, but he only keeps his head down looking at the green, furry carpet. That’s Harry’s room for him.

Harry brings a blanket from his wardrobe and puts it around Louis’ shoulder. Louis doesn’t thank him like he normally would, he keeps quiet and unmoved on the edge of Harry’s bed, looking at the floor. Harry is starting to feel anxious, sad and something weird in his chest and belly. He never saw Louis like this, it’s like he and him had changed bodies because that doesn’t look like Louis, it looks like Harry is looking at himself in the mirror.  It’s wrong, Louis isn’t alive to feel sad and look like this. Harry thinks Louis is alive to smile and make the whole world better with his personality, Louis is alive to show that there is still good kids in the planet. In this age Harry thinks what Louis did for him was all charity because why would a seven years old Louis talk to a quiet and weird boy, sat on the sidewalk and keep him as his friend for this long?

“Louis?” Harry decides to break the silence, sitting next to Louis and looking at him, not in pity but just in sadness. Louis’ grandpa was such a nice old man, he met him and he actually liked him. The three of them kinda spent some good moments because when Louis’ grandpa would come to Doncaster they’d always meet. And Harry liked to talk with him. Not as much as he likes to talk with Louis but still. He feels like starting crying but he can’t. He can’t, but not because he thinks is wrong, but only because of Louis’ sakes. He knows if he starts crying it’ll be worst for him.

“Lou? Do you… Do you want to talk?” These are such new words for Harry.

Louis doesn’t say a word, neither looks at his best friend. Harry wants to beg for him to be okay but he knows that’s not going to help. Nothing is going to help now, he just needs to be here for Louis.

He takes Louis’ hands from his lap and puts them on his own. He holds them tightly and draws small circles on the back of his left hand. Louis finally moves to look at the gesture and when raises his head to look at Harry’s face he’s just faced with green eyes looking at him as well. Harry sees Louis’ tears streaming down and he can’t stop himself by cleaning them away with his thumb. He offers a small smile – but big enough to form his dimples – and Louis feels like he’s going to have another breakdown by looking at that sweet boy.

“Everything is going to be okay Lou…” He whispers “He loved you. He loved you so much. He’s going to take care of you.” His voice is soft, gentle and careful. Every word he speaks sounds like eating cotton candy for Louis. Harry makes sure to say the right things, to think sensibly in its choice. “You need to be okay. You’re strong, you’ll do it. He didn’t left, he’s still with you.” While he speaks he caresses Louis’ cheeks, Louis’ hair, Louis’ hand, Louis’ arm… he does everything to calm down the boy.

Louis nods, pressing his lips together and he stops crying. The tears that still fall down are the ones that stayed gathered in his blue eyes and if they keep forming up he doesn’t notice, because for him it was enough tears already. “You’re going to be okay. For you, for me… for your grandpa all right?” Louis nods again and Harry opens his arms and lets the boy resting his head on his chest. Harry wraps his arms around him, joins their heads and caresses his soft and brown hair.

They stay like this for a long time, time enough for Louis to calm down and stop sobbing. Harry hears a sound coming from downstairs and he knows his parents just arrived. They pull away from the embrace and Louis raises his head to look at Harry's worried face. He frowns due it.

“You okay?” He asks and Harry nods but he still feels him tense “Do I need to go home?” He asks but doesn’t wait for a replay “Because I don’t really want to.” He says in a weak and sad voice. Harry worries about his parents fade away and he doesn’t really want to let go his friend now “Can I stay with you?” He looks at Louis and it’s like he’s having flashbacks from when he was nine. When he talked with Harry in his sweet and pitchy voice, his face soft and young.

“Okay.” Harry simply says “Wait here.” He stands up from the bed and walks downstairs. Louis brings the blanket more around him and looks around Harry’s bedroom. Now he realised it’s his first time here and he can’t believe. They’re friends for so long but he never got the opportunity to come here. A part of him thinks it’s because Harry’s parents. They seem not to have a good relationship, they seem to be overprotective over Harry but in reality they aren’t. They don’t mind leaving him alone at home or spend a week out and paying to someone to take care of Harry. Louis doesn’t know what they do, what's their job, but they seem to be quiet rich. Although he knows that most of the time, when Harry looks down, it’s because of them. He just doesn’t know the reason why.

He pulls away those thoughts to examine his best friend’s room. It’s big but simple. It doesn’t look like a twelve years old boy room, it's too cleaned and tidied and he asks himself how it looked like when they were seven. He also notices that Harry still has their Christmas tree above the desk, a picture of the two of them in a frame in the nightstand, Louis’ jacket that once he lend him on a rainy day that forgot to give him back – though Louis doesn’t want him anymore, he wants Harry to keep it – the books Harry brings from Louis’ home on a big bookcase and then when he looks at the side, in front of the big and tones of pillows Harry has on his bed, he sees his teddy bear–Harry’s teddy bear now. He remembers giving it to him when he was eight and he wonders if Harry still sleeps with him at night, if he still calls him Lou and if he still hugs him when he feels down. He definitely still does.

Louis hears someone talking quite loud from downstairs but he tries to ignore. Seconds later Harry enters from the door and closes it behind him. “Hum… I suppose you can stay here for dinner and, hum, for the night.” Harry says nervously “Just need to bring a mattress and sheets”

Louis gives him a small smile “Thanks.” Harry nods

They walk around Harry's house to bring a small mattress they had saved on the attic and clean sheets. Louis takes advantage of it to observe the house. It’s pretty big and well decorated, Harry walks fast around the rooms and Louis finds hard to follow him without losing himself. But in fifteen minutes they have the improvised bed done on Harry’s room floor. Harry lends him a pillow from his bed and puts the previous blanket Louis was wrapped on, on top of the sheets.

The spare time till dinner is spent with them in silence still in the room. Louis doesn’t feel like talking and the silence right now is welcome. Harry is still worried and feels like this moment is not normal, is weird and for the first time, for him, the silence is uncomfortable; but he decides to respect Louis.

At half past seven Harry’s mother calls them for dinner and they walk downstairs. Harry’s father is also there and Louis doesn’t know who makes him more uncomfortable if him or Sarah, Harry’s mother. Louis doesn’t know Harry’s father name so being sat in the big table with them is weird. And even weirder is the fact that the woman who usually opens the door for him when he comes here calling Harry, is the same who puts the food in the table. So is she like a maid? Not Harry's babysitter probably.

Louis keeps moving his toes under the table, is constantly moving his fingers as well and looking around the dining room. Seems too expensive with paintings on the wooden walls, a big fireplace, gorgeous curtains and a huge carpet under the big table. He thinks the table is too big, even though it only has four chairs. He’s in front of Harry but feels so far away from him.

They start eating, Harry doesn’t look at him, he thinks about talking but closes his mouth right away. “Do your parents know you are here, Louis?” Harry’s father speaks, his voice is rough and raspy so Louis nods as an answer, almost afraid to speak. They do know Louis is here, it’s obvious he is with Harry. “I’m sorry for your lost.” He says after some seconds, although the words he speaks don’t match with his tone of voice. He seems so cold. Louis keeps nodding and looking at his plate. “Don’t you have voice, boy?”

“David!” Harry’s mother speaks this time due how harsh the man was with Louis. Harry looks at her almost surprised with her intervention.

“The boy is being rude and I can’t have a word in my own house?” his voice is too loud but it seems like it’s the usual so Louis can’t imagine his tone when he’s actually really mad.

“Don’t you see how down he is?” Sarah whispers although Louis can hear it. Harry tries to ignore all the situation even though he wished he could say something to make his parents stop. His mother coughs and goes back to her strict position. “I just don’t want you to make this a habit. You can stay tonight, but only tonight.” She raises her tone in the word only “And I want silence in the room.” She finishes.

“Yes!” Louis finally comes out with some words, voice shaking.

“And you Harry, we’ll talk tomorrow about this.” She says harshly.

“Yes mother.” Harry avoids every eye contact in the room

The rest of the dinner is finished in silence and Louis is thankful when Harry’s parents allow them to go upstairs when Harry asks them permission to. Louis hopes that every dinner Harry has, from every day isn’t like this one and he hopes this time it was like this because of him, but a slightly piece of him knows that it’s always like this, if not worst. Louis still doesn’t ask why Harry seems so down sometimes, however he really wanted the boy to open with him more often. Louis wishes that the boy trusted him to the point of talking to him about what’s going on in his life, what his parents do that makes him so down, what he thinks, what he feels… everything. But he knows if Harry wanted he’d tell.

Louis decides not to talk about what happened on the table and Harry seems grateful for that. What could he say anyway?  _Your parents seem to be always mad with the world, what’s wrong with them? What’s wrong of a friend of your coming here? What’s wrong with their faces?_  So Harry tells Louis he can use the bathroom to take a shower and then lends him one of his pyjamas. He doesn’t take much time and when finishes is Harry’s turn. When Harry comes back Louis is just sat on the mattress looking at the wall. Harry decides to keep the silence and turns on the TV he has on his room. They watch some cartoons till is half past ten and Harry feels his eyes heavy. Louis is right next to him, they’re sat on the mattress Louis is supposed to sleep, with their back rested on Harry’s bed.

Harry looks at Louis and he bets he’s not paying any attention to what is playing on the TV because he’s with a blank expression and is probably only looking at the wall next to the television. “Mind if I go to sleep?” He decides to ask. Louis looks back at him and then nods. Louis never nods, even if it is to say a simple  _yes_  he talks.

They turn everything off and Harry crawls to his bed. Louis lays down as well, pulling the sheets and duvet on top of him. He takes Harry’s blanket to his side and grabs it against his chest. “Good night Lou!” Harry whispers

“Night” Louis answers weakly.

Harry is unsure about what he should do, he doesn’t want to see Louis this way and he sure doesn’t want to see him crying again. It was painful, it was the first time Louis cried like this in front of him and it made his chest aching and he doesn’t even understand why and how. Maybe he really do like this boy because he shows to be kind for him, he shows that cares about him and all of this in such a young age. The fact that Louis is the only person who Harry feels well with and the fact that he knows him already for five years basically makes Harry consider Louis an important person in his life.

He loses himself in his thoughts only to wake up minutes later with sobs and whimpers. “Lou?” He calls. He knows Louis is crying and that just makes him feel… sad.

Louis doesn’t answer so he decides to stand up from bed, not before grabbing his teddy bear he has always next to him. Right in the moment he takes his feet out of the bed he feels the mattress under them. Louis is facing his back at him and he can see his body going up and down quickly. He sits down on the space between Louis and his bed and touches on Louis’ shoulder carefully, almost afraid.

The older boy clears his tears with the sheets, rolls around to look at his friend and sits up. “So-Sorry if I wo-woke you up.” Harry looks at him with a sad expression. He still can see the boy’s face since the blinds from the window are open and the lights from outside hit the room.

Harry shakes his head as if saying that Louis doesn’t need to apologise much less hiding his sadness from him. Louis is kinda of embarrassed by crying in front of him and Harry knows it, but he doesn’t need to be.

Harry hands him the teddy bear he has on his hands, the same Louis gave him when he was eight and Louis looks at it in awe. “You said he could help me when I’d feel down. It worked for me…” Harry looks away “So it can help you as well…”

Louis grabs the bear but at the same moment he grabs it he pulls away and hugs Harry instead right away. He doesn’t even care how many times they’ve already hugged today but it always make Louis feel better for a moment so he decides that prefers Harry as his teddy bear.

Harry hugs him back when feels the blue eyed boy crying again. He wants to tell, beg him to stop crying but he knows it’ll make things worst “I can’t believe he’s gone…” Louis whispers between sobs “I want him back Harry…”

“That’s not how things work.” He caresses the boy’s hair who is basically laid down on his lap, grabbing Harry by his waist

“It’s not fair.” Harry agrees, it’s not. “I didn’t even say goodbye.” He cries harder

Harry takes a deep breath to control his own tears, not only for Louis but for his grandpa as well. “Say now. Tell him what you wished you could say.”

Louis takes some time till he speaks the next words “I just wanted to thank him. For being a strong man… for being with me. For being a father, a friend, a hero… For being the best person in the whole world. Just for being who he was.” His voice is muffled by the fabric of Harry’s shirt but Harry hears him, hears and understand everything still holding his friend

“He probably heard you Lou and I’m sure he’s proud of you. He’s going to watch over you. You’re going to be strong, all right?”

“All right.” Louis agrees and they don’t move.

Louis sobs calm down after some minutes but Harry keeps caressing him, making sure he won’t cry again and he’ll sleep well. They keep just like that and when Louis wakes up in the next morning he’s with his head rested on Harry’s stretched legs, Harry’s head is laid down on the side so is rested on the mattress of his own bed, lips parted, eyes closed and his arm still above Louis’ body.

Louis doesn’t wake him up, he lets himself be there and waits till his friend wakes up. When he does they share a smile but don’t say anything the whole morning. They get dress and walk downstairs to eat breakfast alone. Louis thinks it is a breakfast like the ones he eats on the hotels on holidays and that makes his mind relaxed for a bit.

Then he knows he has to go back home so Harry offers to go with him. He’s nervous about what his parents can tell him and if they’re mad but in the moment they open the door for him, he’s received with a hug. They even make Harry joining the hug with the three so it’s pretty special for Louis.

The next day is the funeral and Louis dresses his better clothes and goes to the ceremony. Harry is there with his parents, which is weird but at the same time relaxed because he’s there no matter what. Louis doesn’t cry while the coffin is buried, he just whispers the same words he said to Harry the previous night, because he’s going to be strong like Harry said him to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about some errors this might have sometimes i just get too lazy to read again to fix it. I'm sorry !!


	6. It's okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

Exactly a year after Louis’ grandfather's death , Harry appears at his door dressed in a big and fluffy coat. Louis already knew he’d come because somehow Harry found the necessity to send a text message to Louis saying that he was going to pass by his house and that they were going for a walk. Harry’s parents bought him a phone two weeks ago and he already has the memory card full of songs from his favourite bands and pictures of him and Louis. The idea of Harry having a phone makes Louis kind of relieved because he’s in the seventh grade and already goes by bus back home – less worries to his parents then – and Louis never knew if he was all right or not so the fact that now he has his own phone gives him the possibilities of him calling Louis if something goes wrong.

That’s all Harry does with his phone basically. He only has his parents and Louis’ number on it even though he only uses Louis’, even in emergencies. So the two boys spend the times when they’re not together talking on the phone, texting or sending weird and comic videos and pictures to each other. 

“Harry? What a surprise!” Louis jokes but already has his coat in hands to dress it. Harry laughs at him and Louis can just notice how much his best friend has changed since the past year. “So where are we going?” He asks walking outside and shutting the door behind him, sliding his arms up on the sleeves from the coat.

He follows Harry who starts walking with his hands on his jacket’s pockets “I thought about… hum, going to the lake.” He answers unsure. After Louis have showed him the place that they’ve spent their summers there and most of their spare time., it’s been a year since they don’t go there because of Louis’ lost. His grandpa brought him there so Louis doesn’t suggest it, neither Harry talks about it. “If that’s okay.” Harry says quickly noticing Louis looking at the wet floor, due the rain that fell last night, in silence.

Louis knows Harry just wants to help. He spent two weeks with extra care towards Louis last year after the funeral. Louis knows that if it wasn’t Harry he’d feel sad for much more time. “No… It’s fine.” So he says finally looking at Harry. Harry smiles back at him and Louis holds his hand as they usually would do, on the way to the lake, when they were younger.

He finds it weird that at the moment, holding hands with Harry since Louis is now almost fourteen and it’s just something boys like them shouldn’t do, because only couples do it. But then he thinks,  _“He’s only Harry and that never felt weird”_ so that feeling disappears.

Harry had previously jumped in shock by Louis’ gesture and maybe he does feel weird as well, but if it’s that, he decides to let the feeling go without commenting on it.

They reach the garden as quick as they were expecting and it still looks like the last time they were here. Louis feels stupid for not coming here as often as they becaus because that was kinda  _their_ place and they’ve got good memories here. No one comes here – the people from their neighbourhood are too busy to relax in a park – so it’s almost like their hideout.

They walk to the familiar tree and sit down, with their backs rested on the tree trunk, enjoying the fresh air on their faces and not caring about dirtying their pants by the grime floor due the moisture.

The silence between them is still natural even if it’s less common than when they were nine but right now they know that it’s the moment. The moment to be quiet and just appreciate the place.

“Cold?” Harry breaks it and it’s not as usual as it was but Louis is getting used to it and he likes it.

“I’m okay.” Louis replies getting closer to his best friend and resting his head upon his shoulder. The contact between them is often “Just miss him.” Harry knows who he’s talking about and it hurts listening to him saying it in this tone of voice.

“I know…” is the only thing he manages to say.

“Thank you.” Harry still knows what he’s talking about so he just smiles to himself and doesn’t need to reply because Louis also knows that he’d say  _“It’s fine. I’m here, I’m your best friend.”_

Louis buries his face on the curve of Harry’s neck enjoying the warmness and his smell. He can’t understand how Harry smells this good in his age so he bets he uses those expensive perfumes. Maybe he steals them from his father.

He probably does.

Louis also does that so he can calm himself down. He won’t cry because he already cried everything he had to for his grandpa but the pain in his chest still lives there and he can’t believe it’s been a year since that amazing person died.

He decides to make all his thoughts going away and looks up at Harry. He’s looking forward and Louis can’t read his expression, and that’s new. Louis pulls away small locks of Harry’s hair which were threatening to fall in front of his face and then “are these curls, Harry?” he asks, his voice loud and sounding like he is surprised but in reality he definitely isn’t. He had notice it previously but never came up the opportunity to point that out. So this was a nice one.

He watches Harry’s face going from pale to red and by now he knows that it’s not because of the cold. “Nope.” He says trying to pull away from Louis but not really making an effort.

“Those are curls, I’m sure.” Louis laughs “You’re getting curly, I can’t believe.”

“No I’m not Louis!” he raises his voice now looking at Louis and laughs

“You are!” Louis doesn’t understand why Harry is acting as if it’s the end of the world “It’s fine, it’s cute!” he chuckles.

Harry fakes mad and pushes Louis by his shoulder making him lose his balance and fall on the wet and muddy grass. Louis gives him a glower after letting out a squeal and adds “Why? I just said it was cute!” Harry laughs but he’s already imagining Louis doing the same thing to him so he quickly stands up ready to run when Louis does the same as him.

Harry keeps laughing when Louis follows him. They literally pull the grass out of the floor by how fast they run around the garden. If it wasn’t his heavy jacket Harry would be faster but even though Louis can’t get him since Harry can run the curves easier than him. Louis feels okay like this. He’s happier when he’s with Harry. He can’t stop smiling, his cheeks hurt at the end of a long day with his best friend but he doesn’t even care, he appreciates it. So it’s great the fact that the green eyed boy can actually cheer him up all this time.

Harry keeps running even when Louis calls him, hopping that he’d stop since Louis is starting to feel tired, breathing heavily and he’s making his best not to fall on the floor since the wet grass is kinda slippery. But if Harry wants to keep running, he will keep running. When Harry runs around the tree, Louis almost catches him but then he is more agile and sneaks away from Louis’ hand.

The boy laughs and Louis keeps following him. He keeps following behind the bushes, beside the waterfall from the lake and then when Harry is beside the rocks, Louis’ smile drops and if he wasn’t in shock he wouldn’t have stopped running, he’d have helped Harry right away. But he didn’t. When Louis hears a scream coming out from Harry, a strong noise from the rocks and then a splash from the water, he freezes for some seconds. And those seconds were gold in this situation.

“Harry!” He calls his friend and finally moves closer to where Harry fell down. Louis knows the lake isn’t really deep but right now it seems deeper than he thought it was two years ago. “Harry?” he calls again afraid to get closer to the edge of the lake.

Louis is expecting his best friend to swim to the surface and then they would laugh by how clumsily Harry is. But then he thinks, Harry probably doesn’t know how to swim. Harry probably hurt himself in the rocks. The water is probably freezing by how cold the day is.

“Harry!?” Now he shouts, shouts with fear, desperation and anxiety. His heart is beating fast and he only waits three seconds to realise Harry won’t swim to the surface so it only takes another two for him to take off his coat and jump into the water.

The water is freezing but with the adrenaline Louis doesn’t feel it, he even forgets how tired he was from running around previously. He doesn’t waste time to dive in. He doesn't care about anything but rescue Harry, so he opens his eyes under water and grabs the body. He makes his best to hold Harry tightly and swim to the surface.

An average adult would perfectly be standing on the lake, because it would have feet, although Louis is quite small for his age so he makes a big effort to keep Harry's head out of the water and swim to the edge without going down.

He honestly doesn't know how he manages to do all of it in such a short period of time. He takes Harry first out of the water and then himself, all of this with his heart on his sleeves and breathing heavily by the fear and tiredness.

"Harry, please wake up!" He shakes his best friend’s shoulder when he's in knees next to him. Harry's face is a bit pale and his lips purple due how cold the water was, his eyes stay closed and when Louis sees a bit of blood streaming down from his temple he starts to panic. Literally panicking, his hands are shaking, his heart feels like is going to jump out of his chest, tears are streaming down his face but he doesn't even notice it. "Harry! Listen to me, open your eyes!" He cries, his hands cupping Harry's cold face. But the boy doesn't react, he doesn't move and Louis has no idea what he should do.

He had seen in movies what people do in this situations and at the moment he's regretting deeply not paying attention at his classes because he remembers the teacher teaching how to rescue someone who choked and drowned. He just wants to lay down there and die by how desperate he is.

Not knowing what to do he grabs his dry jacket and puts over Harry. He takes his phone and instead of calling to the ambulance he calls his mother. He does all of this in fast movements even being shaking and while the phone rings on the other side he mutters  _come on, come on_ dozens of times as if that would make his mother pick up the phones faster.

When she answers it Louis wants to scream at her by how calmly she says  _hi louis_ and by the time she took answering it - even if the phone just rang thrice - but then yeah she doesn't know yet.

His voice is loud and he speaks in a rush, even when his voice cracks by being crying - and maybe that's when he notices he is in tears - but Fiona understands that Harry just slipped and fell over on the lake and now doesn't wake up and is bleeding. As desperate as Louis, she tells him to make his best to wake him up and quickly explains how to. She ends the call saying she's calling the ambulance.

All of this passes in a blink of an eye. Louis drops his phone at the side and puts his hands on Harry's chest making force up and down like his mother told him to and by how he sees in movies. "Don't you dare die on me! Don't you dare Harry!" He keeps doing it and then, with his thumb and index, pinches Harry's nose and parts his lips so he can blow air to his lungs. He does it twice and goes back to his chest. "I'll hate you if you die here." He cries

Louis can't believe when hears Harry coughing and expelling the water from his lungs. He finally breathes properly for three seconds. He tilts Harry’s head to the side and then rests it on his lap. When he pulls his wet hair out of Harry’s forehead, he can see the wound on his temple not caring about the blood in his own fingers. "Harry, please..." Harry groans but doesn't open his eyes. It doesn't make Louis feel any better but at least he knows he's not dead.

Louis keeps talking with Harry, sat on the floor and touching his friend's hair and it seems it passes hours till he sees the ambulance arriving and his mother running towards them.

He doesn't let Harry go not even when they want to take him first to the ambulance to give him a blanket, because Harry is not the only one looking pale and purple. Louis even pulls all his mother's touches away, he can’t even see how concerned she is, he only thinks if Harry is going to be all right. He sees the men giving Harry oxygen and putting him on the gurney. Louis only allows them to give him the blanket when they're all inside the vehicle and even though he doesn't drop Harry's hand.

Eventually Louis has to let him go when they reach the hospital but he stays on the waiting room. His mother comes, she talks with him, she brings him food, comforts him, tries to take him home to change clothes… Fiona does everything she can to get his son’s attention so she can know how he is feeling. But Louis is in shock. And he’s worried. And he’s waiting for a little bit more than half an hour and it seems hours and hours had passed instead. He’s desperate but he doesn’t show any emotion. He’s only staring at the hospital’s ceiling with his head supported on the wall, a blanket around his shoulders and doesn’t even think about how uncomfortable the seat is. And it’s Louis’ job to complain about it since little.

Somehow he notices a doctor talking to his mother but drops his expectations when hears something about Harry’s parents. There’s still no news about his best friend so he doesn’t listen to the whole conversation.

When he’s there for about an hour, his father appears but he’s supposedly at work. Louis still doesn’t pay any attention to the people around him. His father can’t tell him anything and Louis would feel mad to see that Carl isn’t even doing his best, – he is trying but if Louis would see it, for him, it wouldn’t be enough – he only ignores.

Louis’s almost in the edge, it’s been an hour and he doesn’t know anything about Harry. He starts to feel something else besides anxiety, however it’s not something better. He feels guilty. Somehow he does, even if there’s no need for him to be. He did his best, he saved Harry, technically, but he thinks he didn’t make his best. He did what he could. But he thinks the otherwise. There’s nothing he can do about it now.

When he wakes up from his trance he looks around and doesn’t see anyone. His mother went to the bathroom but he didn’t hear it and his father went back to work and if he did hear it, he’d know that Carl was going to try one more time to see if he could see how Harry is doing.

He’s tired of waiting here and is focused on seeing Harry as soon as possible, but first, he needs to do something else. He sees his mother’s purse on the seat she supposedly was sat on and takes money from her wallet, putting it on his pocket. He stands up from the seat and tries his best to memorize the place he is, the floor and the corridor. Louis cannot be very smart at school but in this kind of things – when it’s something of his interest – he’s clever and does things in the right way.

He goes on the elevator to the first floor, then in the entrance he sees what he wants. A small store where there’s a woman selling bouquets of flowers. There’s not much people in the queue so it reaches his turn quickly.

“Hello, how can I help you?” The woman asks with a polite smile. He knows that smile. Is the smile  _what is a kid like you doing in a place like this,_ but that’s really only his head thinking. Christ, she’s only doing her job, as long as she gets paid she doesn’t care how old are her costumers, it’s only flowers.

“Do you have daisies?” he asks in a rush. The woman still offers him a smile, if Louis looked around, like the other people, he could see a few bouquets with daisies

“Yes I do sweetheart!” She brings three different bouquets and Louis looks carefully at them “Which one do you want?” Louis didn’t expect the woman to show him daisies with different colours, he only wanted normal white ones “These ones are gerberas, which is almost the same as daisies.” She points to one bouquet with the big and colourful flowers.

Louis doesn’t want to admit it, not even to himself, but the bouquet is rather beautiful. There are pink, orange and yellow gerberas and he can see the small, white and familiar daisies in the middle, almost lost with the large and majestic ones. They are united with a yellow lace and Louis almost want to touch it to feel the texture of it.

“I want these ones.” He says and can already imagine himself giving it to Harry and see his dimples and green eyes shining.

“All right dear. Is it for a familiar of yours here?” Her smile drops and looks attentively at Louis

He shakes his head “It’s to my best friend.” He makes a pause “He fell on a lake and didn’t know how to swim… I helped him with what I could, I did my best really but he hit with his head and I don’t know how he is.” He drops his head and can’t understand how he managed to speak like this.

“Oh!” she looks at him somehow surprised “I’m sure he’ll be fine, especially with these flowers” she hands him the bouquet Louis chooses and looks around to the other costumers “Here take them and go see your friend.” She smiles

Louis looks widely at her now “Really?” She nods “Thank you” he smiles and waves at the woman before running out of there to the elevator. He just saved some pounds to buy candies with Harry later, he thinks.

He comes back to the waiting room he was – quicker than expected – and doesn’t find his mother’s purse where it was previously, but he doesn’t show much worry about it and if his mother is looking for him around the hospital. He only cares about Harry right now. He sees doctors walking through the corridor but he doesn’t see the face of the man he remembers, the one who was responsible for Harry. He grabs tightly the flowers by the stem and wonders if he should sit back and just wait another hour. But he knows he can’t handle it now so he decides to walk through the corridor, in slow steps, almost worried if he’ll be caught.

He remembers coming to this hospital visiting his mother when she had Peter but he doesn’t remember the walls having bright colours and happy paints. And the floor having foot prints in several colours and even the nurses being this nice with cute vests. But that’s because he’s in the part where kids stay and not where the adults are.

There are at least fifteen doors in this corridor and Harry has to be in one. He peeks through the opened doors and only sees kids and babies with their family, till he sees a tall doctor walking out from one of the doors and he recognises him, he recognises the moustache. He stops leaning against the wall, as if like that he’d turn invisible, and waits for the doctor walking next to him to breathe again. Being small for his age has its perks.

This time he walks in bigger and faster steps and opens the green door. He only puts his head in to peek once again and spots an empty bed in front, on the left he sees a kid around his age with his mother and on the right he sees… Harry. He’s sure that boy is Harry.

He comes in and the kid and his mother who are there look at him. “Hello!” the boy says and Louis wants to ignore and walk as fast as he can to the sleepy boy in the other bed but he answers

“Hi!”

“Are you here to see Harry?” The boy asks and Louis nods. How does he know Harry’s name this easy? Louis put a big effort to know and he bets he didn’t “He’s been sleeping all this time”

“Oh.” He gives a look at Harry and sees his peaceful expression. From where Louis is he doesn’t seem as bad as he remembers “Is he okay?” The boy shrugs and Louis still doesn’t question how he knows his best friend’s name

“He didn’t wake up yet sweetheart.” The mother’s boy talks this time “Are you his brother?”

“I’m his best friend.”

The woman smiles and nods “C’mon Charlie lets go eat something.” She says and helps Charlie to get up from the bed to put him in a wheelchair. Louis watches them attentively and the worry he was feeling in the waiting room comes back. What if Harry has to use from now on a wheelchair like Charlie? What if Harry is not okay?

“Hope your friend gets well soon.” Charlie says when passes beside him and Louis almost doesn’t get time to smile back to the boy and answer him by being lost in his thoughts.

He finds himself alone in the room, with the door closed and with Harry four steps away from him. He bites the inside of his cheek and walks to the bed in the corner. He grabs the chair closer to it and puts the flowers on the small table next to the bed. He’s shaking when sees Harry’s pale face and the small loss of hair where he hits with his head. It’s small but when Louis sees he wonders if it hurt Harry. Probably didn’t since he didn’t wake up yet.

Seeing Harry laid down on this hospital bed pains Louis. He can’t stop thinking that it was his fault and he’ll only rest when sees his friend opening his eyes. “Harry?” He calls from him and touches Harry’s hand. “Harry, wake up. It’s Louis!” he says softly but still desperate. Harry doesn’t respond, not even moves a finger “Harry, please…” still nothing

Louis isn’t thinking straight because he’s still afraid that Harry will never wake up and that he’s probably in a critical state, but if he was, he wouldn’t be in this specific bed and with no tubes. But Louis is still so worried that can’t stop shaking and feeling his eyes burning from the tears. He doesn’t know when he started crying, probably when minutes passed and Harry still hasn’t gave him any signal of life, only his chest going up and down by breathing but even that Louis doesn’t notice. 

“Why aren’t you waking up?” He looks at Harry’s hair rested on the white pillow and his long eyelashes slightly touching his cheekbones, the pale of the skin from his face contrasting with his red lips and Louis can only think about how beautiful Harry is and how much he already misses him. It’s absurd. “I’m here Harry, you’ve to wake up, okay?” he sobs and this time he grabs his best friend’s hand, interlacing their fingers “I need you here with me… you’re my best friend, you can’t leave me.” his voice cracks at the end “I’m sorry I did my best to help you. I promise I’ll be more concentrated on classes because if I would, I’d know how to save you sooner. I’ll teach you how to swim as well, but you have to open your eyes. Please… for me.” He joins his lips tightly when Harry doesn’t react once again

“I brought you flowers. The woman said they’re some kind of daisies I want you to see them.” His voice is so fragile and lowly but still so sweet “Somehow I still remember the day we first met and I picked a fist of daisies for you because you weren’t talking to me.” he makes a pause to chuckle between the tears “You were so quiet, sometimes I felt like I was actually annoying you but you were so shy to tell me to leave you alone that even if you really wanted to, you never said it. But then… then you changed Harry and I know you consider me your best friend and I consider you my best friend and you talk more and laugh and smile… I love your smile, Harry, especially when I’m the reason of it and you’re… you’re an amazing boy and I always find myself wanting to know what you’re thinking about to know if you really are okay. I hope you are.” He makes another pause to look at the boy still with his eyes shut

“Wake up Harry. I’m so worried. I thought you were going to die there in my arms.” If the tears were calming down now they are forming up and streaming down through Louis’ cheeks. “I can’t imagine who I would be without you now. I wouldn’t support another lost. My grandpa… You know how special he was. He was my favourite person in the world Harry.” He cries “He was my favourite person in the world…” he repeats, whispering as if previously he was saying that to Harry and now he’s saying to himself. “…until now.” He finishes “You are my favourite person in the world so don’t you dare to leave me, I love you so much Harry, please… Wake up!” he sobs not award of the words he said and brings Harry’s hand to his lips. He closes his eyes waiting for the tears to stop and in hope that the silence will bring Harry to him.

Only seconds pass when Harry’s hand, which still is on his lips, moves in his own and Louis opens his eyes to see Harry sat on the hospital bed looking at him with a frown “What are you saying?” his tone is almost comic as well as his face. He’s trying hard not to laugh but that’s only because he’s smiling due Louis’ words. He heard it all just can’t believe how Louis, with fourteen basically, can say a thing like that.

“Harry?” Louis’ eyes open wide and he quickly stands up from the plastic chair to jump to the bed and hug his best friend “You’re okay.” He says with a smile “You’re okay, right?” He pulls away a bit and asks

Harry laughs and doesn’t even notice wrapping his arms around Louis’ smaller body “I am okay.” He replies “Just can’t remember much what happened in the lake.” They keep close to each other and none of them have the initiative to pull away.

“You slipped in the rocks. You are so clumsily Harry, seriously.” Louis is already in the mood to joke.

“I’m sorry if I made you worried.” Harry says somehow shyly and wipes Louis’ tears from his cheeks. Louis almost feels ashamed for being sat on Harry’s lap, with his arms around his neck and with Harry cleaning his tears. But it’s Harry after all.

“You’re okay now.” But he still doesn’t move

Harry nods and “L-Louis…?”

“Harry?”

“You love me?” Harry asks frowning and now Louis’ cheeks are probably flushing

“I-I… I guess I do?” Louis never said such words to anyone, just to his mother but that doesn’t count for him. He doesn’t even know what love is but he found the word rather beautiful to say to his best friend. Maybe it explains what he feels for him. Louis doesn’t quite know what he feels for Harry, is weird and different but he cares about Harry, so much, and Harry is always there for him and is so good to have this friendship in their age

“Isn’t that weird?”

“I don’t know. But you are my best friend.” Louis smiles and he remembers that he kissed Harry on the lips once and his excuse was because the fact of them being best friends, so maybe it’s okay. Harry is Louis’ best friend so that’s why he does and says these things. Yeah, it’s definitely okay.

“Okay.” Harry smiles “Then I love you too Lou.”

“Okay.” Louis grins and pulls away from Harry only to grab the flowers he brought to come back next to him in the bed. “Here.” He hands them to Harry and can’t stop smiling by looking at his best friend with shining eyes and dimples in his cheeks looking at them

“Thank you Lou.” He grabs them and leans over to kiss Louis in the cheek. That’s fine they’ve done it before.

They talk a bit for some minutes and Louis explains to Harry what really happened in the lake and both apologise at each other. Harry for worrying Louis and not being careful and Louis for not knowing what to do in that situation.

In the moment they’re starting to take the situation to the amused side, the door from the room is opened. Louis expected to see Charlie, the boy from the other bed, but instead he sees a worried person

“Thank goodness you are here!” Louis’ mother says and walks towards the two boys and sits on the chair, the one Louis was earlier “You shouldn’t be here without the doctor letting you come, Louis.” she complains but she’s not mad at Louis, she’s just advising him

“Sorry mom, but I wanted to see Harry.”

“Oh Louis.” She shakes his head and then looks at the green eyed boy “How are you feeling darling?”

“Good!” Harry gives her a small smile. Harry feels better around Fiona now, she’s Louis’ mother so he doesn’t need to feel scared around her, he thinks.

“That’s great.” She smiles at him and caresses his cheek “Your parents are here Harry.” Her expression changes and so does Harry “They aren’t really happy… they’re waiting outside, I told them to wait after coming in.” She secures him

“I don’t… I don’t want them to…” he doesn’t finish when the door is opened once again. Louis knows what he was going to say and when he sees two mad expressions now standing there he wished Harry could finish that sentence

Harry’s parents were arguing before opening the door, with each other and with the doctor who is behind them now. Louis thinks this is too bizarre and he wished everyone could go away so he could keep talking with Harry and taking care of him, so he could rest and not being this tense like he is feeling right now.

“I have the right to see my son, now.” Sarah says and then walks towards the bed

“Harry! If you have stayed at home instead, nothing like this would happen.” David, Harry’s dad, says walking towards them. Why isn’t he worried? Why does he look mad and is talking loudly? Louis is seriously starting to dislike even more this people who make Harry feel bad.

“Not the time to be shouting now, don’t you think?” Harry’s mother says this time but her words don’t match her tone, because she’s talking as loud as his husband.

“Excuse me, but it’s impossible to be this many people here now.” The doctor informs. Louis and his mother are only looking at the scene, still in the same place. Louis had found Harry’s hand after he put the flowers back on the small table, to comfort him.

“He is our son.” David speaks. “I can’t believe in what is happening.” Louis doesn’t know what is happening “We are his parents and are the last people knowing about this. Why are them here?” he points at Louis and Fiona and know Louis knows what he’s talking about

“If it wasn’t for us, Harry wouldn’t be safe.” Louis’ mother says calmly

“If it wasn’t for your son, mine wouldn’t need to be here.” The man shouts. Harry is scared and is looking at his lap and Louis doesn’t know what to do.

“David, enough.” Sarah says. Louis thinks she can be a mean person and doesn’t talk with Harry as she should, but she’s better than her husband, in Louis’ point of view.

“Why are you all shouting like this?” Louis finds the courage to come between the argument, standing up from the bed and looking at all of the supposed adults in the room “Your son is in a hospital bed and could be feeling worse than he is but you don’t care.” Louis tells to Harry’s parents. He’s probably talking loud – still not as loud as them – but he’s just tired of listening to this. He feels like he is going to explode and even swearing. “What about you all go away from here and leave us alone because you’re all just doing worst.”

“Excuse me?” David’s voice is lower now but he can’t believe that a kid like Louis just spoke with him that way “Don’t you dare to speak with me that way or I will-“

“And don’t you dare speak to my son that way.” Fiona says now, standing up to Louis’ side. Louis just feels sorry for Harry who is still on that bed freaking out in silence.

“I think it’s time for we all leave.” The doctor speaks again

“I’m not going anywhere I have-“

“Please, I want to be alone.” Harry finally opens his mouth to speak. Everyone looks at him and Louis just wants to crawl in that bed next to him to hug him and take him away from this place. He looks devastated. His parents look at him but Harry makes his best to keep looking at the white sheets.

“Didn’t you hear him? He wants to be alone, let’s go.” Louis says starting walking towards the door. For much he surprise and relief everyone leaves too and before Louis closing the door behind him, he sees his best friend still in the same position, looking at the sheets so he doesn’t meet his gaze. Louis knows, Louis knows that right now, Harry doesn’t want his company as well. He respects it even if it costs.

~*~

Louis doesn’t know how he managed to do it, but he got what he wanted at the end of the day even if it meant that Harry’s parents started to hate him – even more, if that. He doesn’t care though.

After walking out from the hospital’s room Sarah and David started arguing – doing what they do best for what it seems – but this time it wasn’t only with each other, was with Fiona and even with Louis, who between the three of them he seemed to be the more mature.

He wanted to laugh when Harry’s parents told him to stay away from him because he always brings trouble. Louis doesn’t bring trouble and he couldn’t understand why they were making this  _parents who care a lot about his son_  role because Louis knows it’s not like that. And they proved it when said they needed to go because they had  _work_ to do and it was absurd being there arguing with a kid.

Fiona started to dislike them as well and couldn’t get how Harry can be raised with parents like them. Then Louis said that he was going to stay in the hospital with Harry because he can’t be here alone. The doctor said that he couldn’t right away but maybe it was probably because of the scene he just witnessed that changed his answer when Louis literally started to begg him to let him stay with his best friend.

So it’s almost 11pm and Louis is laid down on the available bed from the room. He’ll be here just for this night since Harry is going back home tomorrow evening so it’s fine for him. Louis knows Harry felt happy to know that he was going to stay with him and he also knows that he did well not talking about his parents because Harry wouldn’t feel okay about it. Instead they spent the rest of the day talking with him about other stuff and then, for Louis’ surprise, Harry didn’t mind to include Charlie in the conversation. At half past nine the nurse appeared in the room to check out the patients and telling them that they needed to go to bed.

But Louis is awake. Not that he can’t fall asleep because he didn’t even try yet, he is awake because he wants to. It can be stupid but he wants to be sure that Harry falls asleep first and he wants to check out on him. Harry is awake and Louis knows that in his case, he can’t fall asleep.

“Lou?” he hears some minutes later

“Harry?” he whispers back, making his best not to wake up Charlie in the other bed, but for what they could understand, he sleeps like a rock

“Can’t sleep.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Just… I feel sad.” Hearing this hurts as much as when his mother used to slap him when he didn’t talk like he should to her.

He decides to stand up from bed and walk towards Harry’s. Harry turns around to look properly at him and Louis knows, he knows Harry had been crying and it just pains him in the heart. He sits on the edge and Harry keeps laid down there. “Do you want me to sleep here?” Harry nods and Louis gets under the sheets while Harry tries his best to give him space in the small bed.

Louis wants to ask him what is making him sad but he’s still not sure if he should do it, therefore, as an alternative, he grabs Harry’s hand in his and rests them in the pillow, when he’s settled down, facing Harry so they’re face to face. “Everything is going to be okay.” Harry moves his lips muttering an  _okay_ and Louis smiles. “I love you.” He thinks this is the right time to repeat the words whose meaning he’s not sure about, he just knows that they are strong and it has something to do about what he feels for Harry, because yeah, he’s his best friend. So it’s okay.

“I love you too, Lou.” He whispers closing his eyes “I love you too…” he holds Louis’ hand tightly and just when Louis is sure Harry falls asleep he allows himself to close his eyes and sleep as well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Biggest and my favourite chapter so far!


	7. I promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

Harry is going to turn fourteen and Louis fifteen and they’re still best friends. Yet, not like they were before… their friendship is much stronger and more real, still different though. So this just proves that Louis didn’t hear Harry’s parents’ words about him staying away from his son. He doesn’t care and he almost said  _Fuck you_  when they told him that he isn’t allowed to see Harry anymore, for the third time when Harry came back home, after the accident. He said in her mind not to create more problems and if his mother heard him cursing he would be grounded for sure. And being grounded for Louis is not seeing Harry so everything would be in vain.

Now that they’re on eighth and ninth grade they meet every Fridays and Saturdays to study together at Louis’ place. Well it’s for Harry to study while Louis keeps complaining or telling Harry some stories. Harry makes his best to force his best friend to study but he can’t find the way of Louis doing it. Maybe he can make him quiet for fifteen minutes but that’s all.

Harry doesn’t hear what he says most of the time but when Louis is trying to let out something that has been bothering  him, Harry stops what he is doing and pulls away the books to listen to him. Louis trusts his life with Harry, he tells him everything and he couldn’t ask for a better listener than Harry. However he wished he could be the listener as well once in a while.

On the other days, when Harry manages to get away from his parents – they kind of gave up on  _making Harry not seeing Louis_  thing – they keep doing the things they used to do as kids. Even if now the topic of conversations are others and Harry’s draws have improved – Louis still haven’t had the opportunity to read what Harry writes in the same book but he hopes one day he has that privilege.

Louis can make Harry play football sometimes with him and that makes him feel like a great player because Harry… kinda sucks yeah. But Louis is a good player himself and when he joined to a football team last year, Harry started going to all his important games. He makes Harry going to the church with him on Sundays – and Harry doesn’t even believe in those things but he goes anyway, for Louis – so now he likes it better as when he was younger.

Louis is also keeping the promise he made with Harry when he went to the second grade so he still spends his breaks at school with Harry. They have lunch together, they keep sharing their snacks and after classes they spend most of their time together. And the best of it, on Louis’ point of view is that he still manages to make his best friend laugh and he decided, a long time ago, that it’s the best feeling in the world. The fact he’s the reason why Harry is a little bit happier makes him feel like God.

Harry still needs his time alone and he might have changed but there are days when he is a bit quieter than the usual but that’s nothing Louis is not used to and learnt to respect about his friend. 

They have – they are – literally growing up together so it’s not weird – at least for Louis – to talk about how is body is changing, the weird things that happen to him – Harry shares with him as well, even when they are embarrassing – and how different him, both, had become. He also likes to compare himself with Harry – in a healthy way though and with that he’s still mad with the fact that Harry’s voice is still deeper than his, even after their voice changed.

“My school play is on Friday.” Louis says while they’re eating ice cream – it's almost spring in Louis’ defence – sat on the floor, in front of the TV.

“How many times did you talk to me about it already?” About ten, Louis thinks. But he always talked about it with the propose to listen to Harry saying that he’s going to watch him 

“I’m excited!”

“I know.” Harry chuckles leaning the spoon to his lips. Harry doesn’t find weird anymore the fact that Louis keeps watching the way he licks his spoon sometimes, how he takes it to his lips and the way the pink from the ice cream contrasts so well with the redness of his lips. Harry doesn’t mind and he never pointed that out to Louis. Louis doesn’t even notice sometimes when he’s staring at his friend even.

“You could show more enthusiasm for me.” Louis plays mad and drops his spoon to the side, giving up on the ice cream. Harry looks by the corner of his eye at the pouty boy and shrugs, not allowing the smile he’s hiding to slip out of his lips.

“Didn’t they do that play last years?” Harry teases.

“Probably, but this time it’ll be better because I’m there.”

“Smug too much?” Harry jokes and Louis makes a serious face “Besides, I don’t like Grease, Louis.” he’s lying. Louis knows it but still feels offended.

“You piss me off sometimes.” Louis gives him a glower and Harry laughs because Louis’ face is the funniest.

“Well you’re still here so…”

“This is my house!” Louis voice is also the funniest – especially when he plays offended and mad, it sounds more acute – so maybe that’s why Harry is laughing so hard now. “Anyway… I’m gonna pretend we didn’t have this conversation. Tell me, are you coming or not?” Louis asks but his question is not really what apparent to be. It’s more like  _you’re going because I want to and there is no way in hell I’m going to allow you to say no._ All of this in a kind way.

Harry stays quiet and Louis starts to feel worried about it “C’mon, don’t disappoint me in here.” He looks at Harry and now he’s not kidding or being ironic, he’s being serious.

“I hate disappointing you Lou… Especially in this kind of things. But you know my parents.” Louis notices how Harry is feeling because of this and how guilty he feels.

Louis sighs in annoyance “I hate your parents…” he says, he always says it only in his head but this time he notices that he just spoke it out loud “Shit, sorry.” He shakes his head “I mean, poop sorry.” This makes Harry laugh. Louis always makes this, every time he curses beside Harry he manages a funny way to change the word.

“It’s okay.” He says still chuckling “I also hate them sometimes.” He says more serious now and lets his back fall, laying down on the floor. “I know it’s not right, but yeah… They don’t make it easy.” Harry rarely talks about his situation with his parents so the fact he’s saying this now, it’s something big for Louis.

He lays down next to Harry, resting his head on the palm of his hand, while his elbow supports his weight “I’m sorry Hazz…” he says and starts playing with the boy’s curls. It’s one of the kind gestures they’re used to by now.

“Don’t be.” He keeps looking at the ceiling and after some seconds, when looks at Louis, he is already with a smile on his lips “So tell me about the play then.” Louis smiles back.

“The girl I’m going to kiss is freaking cute.”

“Something I didn’t hear yet…” Harry rolls his eyes.

“Right. Well, they’re going to make my hair look weird and that’s the only bad thing about this whole play.”

“Aren’t you nervous?” Harry looks more curious now. He knows Louis is good at acting, he had seen him practising. He always practices with Harry, every scene, and Harry helps him with it. He was every character already, since Betty, to Kenickie and Sandy. They even ended up dancing together and that was a good evening for the two of them. So Harry knows Louis is going to make a good job, still he crosses fingers to be right.

“Not really. I don’t know if I will be though. That’s why I want you to go.” Louis says and his tone is completely different from before because he’s only being honest. He needs Harry to make a good job there, to feel like there is someone in the audience for him – besides his parents – who is going to watch him with a grin on his face and feel proud by how good he is doing, by how good his voice sounds and someone who at the end will congratulate him in the right way.

“I will make my best to go Lou.” He says after some time processing his best friend’s words

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

~*~

Louis knows their promises are gold and very important. They’re something they do since kids and when they promise something it’s because it has a special meaning for them so they can’t break it.

Harry made it. Probably by luck, but he made it. It’s almost nine and he is in Louis’ car – more like Louis’ lap since they don’t fit all together in the back seat because of Peter and Zoe – heading to school. Harry’s parents had something to do this weekend for work and needed to go to America?

Harry told him once about them working at being consultants. He told Louis that they have to travel a lot because of their clients and make sure everything is in order and when they’re not travelling they’re at the office. Louis didn’t understand quite well that job but Harry killed his curiosity about some things he was wondering for a long time.

When Louis’ father parks the car when they reach, the school is already crowded. Louis makes sure not to leave them – more like not to leave Harry – till they reach their seat and then he tells them goodbye and everyone wishes him good luck. He wants to hug Harry and kiss his cheek to feel confident but he’s going to save that for after the play so he needs, he really needs, to make a good performance.

And he does. He definitely does and he feels proud of himself and that’s an achievement. He had fun doing the whole play and even if he forgets about some lines and his voice could sound better in the first song, he is one of the best students in the play.

He makes sure to check his family and Harry in the audience once in a while to see their reactions and he is always faced with five attentive and smiley faces. Even when he sings  _you’re the one that I want,_ he looks at Harry and he sees, he sees that proud expression already and at the end of the play Harry is the first one standing up from the seat to applaud. Louis wants to run out of the stage and go hug him right away, but he can’t.

So he waits. And then finally runs. He forgets about the teachers and the other students and his parents and runs out of the stage when the curtains shut the view. That is also the time Harry needs to go to Louis’ encounter.

Right when Louis goes down the small stairs from the left, which go to the audience, he sees Harry and this time he forgets about the whole people around them, the whole world. He jumps from the last stair and Harry opens his arms to catch him. They look like idiots but no one seems to notice them and they wouldn’t even care if that. They like to make this kind of things because they like to think they’re artists sometimes. It’s funny, they’re funny.

Harry’s arms are wrapped around Louis’ body tightly and both sink their faces in each other's neck. Louis is lucky that they still can do it properly since Harry is getting taller and taller. Taller than him and it’s not even fair.

“You did it so good.” Harry whispers in Louis’ neck and both have their eyes closed and both are enjoying the cuddle properly.

“Thank you.” Louis says and his voice sounds so happy.

This probably is nothing, performing to the school and the student’s parents. It’s really nothing. But for Louis is the world at the moment. He loves it, he learnt that thing about him, – with Harry’s help because it was Harry who made him try that and who helped him to see that he’s actually good at this – he loves performing and the fact that he had this opportunity was wonderful. And Harry was there, he is here with him, congratulating him for this and he just feels younger than he actually is.

Harry rubs his back and pulls him back. He rests his hands on Louis’ shoulders and leans over to give Louis a wet and long kiss on his cheek “I’m proud of you!”

Louis laughs and it’s his time to kiss Harry’s cheek because he wanted to do it. Harry had no right to kiss him first. “You sound like my mom.” He jokes and Harry shakes his head chuckling “But yeah… Thank you. For coming.” He keeps smiling and doesn’t think about stopping.

“Of course I would come. I wouldn’t lose this for anything.”  _Wrong_ , Louis thinks. If his parents stayed at home he would have. But he’s glad they didn’t. So it’s better not to think about it because Harry is here. Harry is with him. Always. “But… I wanted you to mess up a bit more. Maybe fall off from the stage or burp while kissing the girl so I could have a good laugh.”

Louis opens his mouth in indignation “That’s rude.” Harry shrugs and Louis’ parents appear behind Harry who is forced to shut his mouth when is about to speak something else. Something more serious by his quickly change of expression, apparently.

“Louis!” Peter runs towards his brother and hugs him by the waist. He’s still so little that rests his head on Louis’ belly.

Zoe walks with a smile closer to him followed by their parents. His mother with the biggest smile ever. They all hug him this time, except from Zoe who contemplates the scene with Harry and Louis feels loved. Which is weird in this situation

”You were great son.” Fiona says pulling away and looking in awe at Louis. Carl pats him in the shoulders and both share a look with a smile

“Thank you!” Louis’ cheeks are starting to hurt but he doesn’t mind.

There are already people walking around them, students, teachers and parents talking and sharing hugs, sweet words and smiles. But he still doesn’t seem bothered with them, it’s almost as if they aren’t there.

“We should all commemorate this!” Zoe says, only an excuse to hang out on a Friday night. She’s thirteen but has a sixteen’s spirit of a girl. Louis doesn’t like it, he once talked to Harry about how his sister is changing and how grumpy she is with him sometimes. Harry answered him that is puberty hitting her and Louis huffed.

“I’m tired.” Louis says looking at his parents and ignoring his sister’s face.

His father nods “I think is better if we go home then.”

They walk outside to the car twenty minutes later because Louis had to talk to his drama and English teacher first –the ones who organized all of the play –, he wanted to say goodbye to the few friends he made there and needed to give back the clothes he was wearing.

His hair still looks odd but for the first time, he doesn’t hate it. So he keeps the quiff – tomorrow he will wash it.

“Harry…” he whispers in their way home. Everyone is in silence in the car now – two minutes later Louis was talking about the play but he decided to keep the rest of the talk to discuss with Harry – but the radio is on, playing in a low volume a song that Louis doesn’t enjoy much.

“Louis?” Harry whispers back and looks up at him who is in his lap this time.

Louis caresses Harry’s cheek, only because he’s showing his dimple which means he is smiling and for no apparent reason. Louis likes it. Too much even. “Can you stay at my place tonight?” It’s been months that they don't do a sleepover and Louis misses it. They talk till 1am and in the morning they wake up snuggling next to each other, almost at noon. Louis forgets that he’s kinda tired.

“I don’t know…”

“But do you want to?” Louis asks and Harry nods “Then ask Mrs Barbara if you can.”

Barbara is the old woman who Louis is already used to see opening the door from Harry’s house for him since he is nine. She likes Louis otherwise Harry’s parents and Louis also likes her because she’s kind of on their side. She knows she could lose her job by allowing Harry going out this way with Louis but she still does it to see Harry happy. Harry once told Louis that she’s more a mother than Sarah will ever be to him. Well, she takes care of him since he came to Doncaster and it’s the second person he talks the most here.

“Okay, I’ll try.” He replies.

Louis already knows he is going so he informs his parents and doesn’t actually need their permission to it. He knows they allow it anyway so Carl and Fiona just say an  _Okay_  smiling but inform them that tomorrow morning they’ll have to go shopping so they’ve to stay at home alone. Of course Zoe protests about it but they tell her that she needs to go with them this time.

They arrive and Harry tells Louis to wait for him outside while he goes home telling Barbara that he’s staying with his best friend. It passes fifteen minutes for Harry appearing from his door with a blanket in his hands and already in his pyjama.

“Won’t you take a shower?” Louis asks while they cross the street to go to his house

“Took one this morning.”

“Doesn’t seem so, you stink.” He jokes and Harry punches him in the arm. He expected it but teasing Harry is always worth it because he’s the only one getting to see his amused face. Harry has a Louis’ face and Louis feels honoured and happy for it.

It takes them forty-five minutes to settle down on Louis’ bedroom. Louis dresses his pyjama as well and while his parents are watching TV and his siblings in their room, they go to the kitchen to eat cookies and drink cold and simple milk. They don’t look like they’re almost teenagers, really.

Eventually Louis finishes his talk about the play and tells Harry how he felt on stage. Harry seems to actually enjoy listening to him talking about those kind of things. He always looks so interested at Louis it amazes him how he never gets tired of his voice.

It’s when they’re in the room, Louis’ in his bed and Harry in the one on the floor – under Louis’ bed there is a big drawer where he pulls out and has a mattress so it’s basically Harry’s bed now – that the silence takes over them. Still not uncomfortable, Louis even takes the time to listen to some songs Harry recommended him on his iPod while Harry keeps looking at the ceiling. Only the light from the nightstand is illuminating the room but it’s a comfortable ambient. Harry definitely loves Louis room. Louis house basically. He loves Louis after all.

“Louis?” Harry’s voice almost echoes in the room and Louis pulls out his earphones to give him the attention Harry deserves

“Harry?” He looks down from his bed to be faced with Harry still in the same position he remembers from the last time he checked on him

“I want to–Did you…” Harry sighs and Louis frowns

“You can say it.”

“So, can I ask you something?” Louis laughs

“You just asked. But yeah, always.”

“How was it, I mean, how was kissing Amy?” Harry asks still not looking at the blue eyed boy

Louis bows his brow “Hm, good I guess?” Harry is not satisfied with the answer. Louis knows by the quick look he gives “I had done it before in the practises. Maybe twice. But it was good.”

“Don’t you have a crush on her?” Louis is surprised that Harry still remembers their conversation. But he shouldn’t be. He should know already that everything he says Harry memorizes it.

“Yeah. I think.” Louis makes a pause “I think I had. I found her cute that was all. But she’s kind of annoying when you get to know her better.” He laughs

“But you liked kissing her then?” Harry doesn’t laugh along Louis. Not unusual but Louis finds Harry's expression too serious

“I already told you it was good so yeah I suppose. But it was for the play so nothing happened.”

“All right.” The conversation can’t end here, Louis thinks

“What–Why this now?” Louis sits on the edge of his bed, touching with his feet on the floor

Harry takes some time to move and talk. Then he sits up as well on his mattress and finally looks at Louis “Wanted to know how it was kissing a girl. But apparently you can’t tell me.” He jokes and Louis feels relieved that Harry is okay after all

“It was nothing special, Harry. If you want to know try it yourself.”

“Not that simple.” Louis knows and chuckles. It’s not a thing to joke about but Harry laughs a bit so it’s fine, probably “And I don’t think I want to.” He says after some seconds when his face changes again to be serious.

“What?” Louis asks maybe too loud and Harry shrugs looking at his lap “Hey? Harry?” he calls him when gets no response and starts to feel some anxiety when Harry keeps playing with his fingers. He jumps from his bed and sits next to his best friend. He puts his hands above Harry’s to stop him. Harry doesn’t look at him so Louis is forced to make Harry doing it himself. “Look at me. What’s wrong?”

Harry opens and closes his mouth three times “I don’t know…” it’s all he says

“You don’t know?”

“Yeah, I don’t know! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Talk with me then Harry. Please.” Making Harry talking about what’s going on with him, what he is thinking is some hard thing to do but Louis wants it. He wants Harry to be more open with him and talk about everything he wants to, like Louis does.

“Can I?” Louis knows what he means by this question

“Wha–Of course Harry. You can always. You always could, you know?” Harry looks at him as if he is not believing his best friend’s words but Louis hopes he understands them

“All right.” Otherwise his words, Harry takes another minute to talk again “I don’t… I don’t want to kiss girls Louis. At least, I don’t think I want to.” he starts and Louis is thankful that Harry keeps looking at him and they’re still close to each other “I kind of see myself kissing boys.” He admits but Louis doesn’t move, his face doesn’t change. He is surprised, shocked even and can’t understand what Harry is telling him but is better if he keeps still. Maybe the fact that he doesn’t understand Harry’s words quite well, doesn’t make him react to it “And I don’t think I look at girls like other boys look. I kind of look at boys like other girls look.” Louis is starting to understand it better. He keeps quiet for Harry’s sake

“I think this is not right. I think this is weird and I shouldn’t feel this way. The other day my parents and I saw two boys kissing and they said that was wrong and I don’t really want to tell you what they said because… it was bad.” Harry says “The thing is, I never kissed a girl. I don’t really want to, but what if I am wrong? What if I don’t want it because I never tried?”

Louis heart beats fast and he opens his eyes widely “Is this my fault?” are the words he speaks first, without thinking and Harry looks shocked at him.

“What?”

“I’m sorry.” Louis finds the urge to apologize because he shouldn’t have say it in that way. Those shouldn’t have been his first words “But,” he still continues thought “you only kissed me so maybe that’s why you are thinking this way.”

“We were eleven.” Harry says in indignation.

“We knew what we were doing!”

“We’re best friends” he says the same excuse Louis gave him “That doesn’t make sense!” They sound like they’re arguing now and Louis feels extremely regretted. “We were kids Louis.”

“You never kissed anyone, you don’t make friends how can you be sure of that?” Louis wants to punch himself for saying this to Harry this way.

“I’m not. That’s why I’m talking to you. But well maybe I should have kept quiet.” He says and gets ready to stand up when Louis grabs him by his arm

“No, no, no!” Louis says somehow desperate “I’m sorry Harry. God, I’m a jerk.” They sit down again and Louis keeps holding Harry by his arm “You did it well. I shouldn’t have… God, it’s okay. It’s completely okay. You can talk. I’ll listen and I won’t judge. I just… I’m surprised, that’s all. But it’s okay.” He keeps repeating “It’s not wrong Harry”

“It’s not?”

“No! No, it’s not. It’s fine.” He slides his hand down and holds Harry’s, making invisible circles in its palm without realising “I’m here. And it’s okay.” Harry bites his bottom lip and Louis knows it’s to hold his emotion. It’s his fault, Louis thinks. He shouldn’t have said it to Harry, he should have let him speak everything and then tell him it was all fine.

“This is wrong Louis!” Louis is forced to drop Harry’s hand when Harry takes them to his face

“Harry.” Louis doesn’t know what to do, what to say and this time he doesn’t even dare to touch Harry.  “Look… It’s okay, you know? A lot of guys like other guys. I don’t think it’s wrong. You don’t choose those type of things. If you find yourself attracted to boys then… be. It doesn’t matter.”

Harry slowly looks at Louis again, letting his hands fall on his lap “But I…” he sighs and Louis knows he’s fighting with himself

“Look… How did you know, how did you found this out?”

“I think I just don’t like girls.”

“But do you have a crush on a boy from school?” Louis asks.

“How do you think I can have a crush when I can’t talk with people Louis?” Louis appreciates the fact that Harry talks in an amused tone. They never spoke about that issue. The small – big – detail about Harry which makes him not liking to talk with people, not making any friends.  But he thinks they don’t need to. At least for now. “But,” Harry feels his cheeks burning now “I see them on the locker rooms and… god I don’t know if it’s this thing about our body changing and growing up but I don’t get that when I look at girls. I can’t find myself attracted to them, but with boys is different.”

“Harry! I never thought you could be this dirty!” Louis jokes, pushing his best friend’s arm friendly and Harry blushes even more. Louis has a lot more questions to make and he feels something weird about knowing this about Harry but is better if he keeps everything to himself now because the fact that Harry is sharing so many things with him is already an achieved goal.

Louis sees Harry’s expression changing for a moment to another and that’s not a good signal “Hey,” Louis calls for his attention “don’t hate yourself because of this.”

“Isn’t this weird? Aren’t you going to… to hate me?” Harry asks and Louis looks weirdly and confused at him “Aren’t you going to leave me now because you know I might like boys?”

“What are you saying?” Louis looks widely at him and Harry shrugs. He can be feeling a little bit awkward for now but he never put the option of leaving or hating Harry. “That’s just ridiculous”

“I don’t-“

“Listen!” Louis wants to hug his best friend now but he needs to tell him some things first “I’m not going to leave you, remember? Especially when you finally decided to share your thoughts with me. That’s amazing you know? So don’t ever say that again. I am not going to leave you. Ever. Even if you tell me you like boys, girls, babies or even ponies.” Harry laughs “Believe me if that was the case I’d have left you a long time ago. Right in the time I got to know you loved flowers. I was a stupid kid and flowers were for girls.” This time Louis laughs along Harry “I don’t care Harry. I want you by my side and I promise Harry, I promise I won’t leave you.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.” Louis smiles and when sees Harry making his best not to do that as well, he chuckles pulling the green eyed boy in his arms to finally give him the hug he wanted to “It’s okay.”

“It’s okay.” Harry repeats and Louis knows he’s telling that to himself. And that’s great, that’s a start.

“I’m so sorry for what I told you. I’m stupid sometimes…” Louis was waiting for Harry to make a joke about him saying only  _sometimes,_ but there’s just silence in the room.

They pull away eventually without a word, but that’s not a bad thing for them. Louis comes back to his bed because it’s half past midnight already and the tiredness he was feeling previously comes back when he starts to feel too comfortable in the mattress.

When he sees Harry getting ready under the sheets he calls him. In a soft, tender and sleepy voice. Harry looks at him and when Louis nods, he walks towards his best friend to lay down next to Louis. They keep their usual position, face to face to one another and their heads rested on the large, but only pillow Louis has on his bed. They share sweet smiles and Louis tells Harry something that makes him laugh for the last time that night and before they turn the light from the nightstand off.

“Goodnight Lou.” Louis’ hears Harry’s deep voice in the dark of the room when he is just about to speak as well

“I love you.” Louis knows better the meaning of this words now and he keeps telling them to Harry. He does love Harry. In a special way, he does.

“I love you too.” Harry answers and Louis can picture him smiling. He always does it when they speak those words to each other.

“Goodnight.”


	8. Petal of a flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Your call by Secondhand serenade (this is like their theme song)  
> and Friends by Ed Sheeran (it fits so well in the whole book omg)

Harry has been acting weird. Weird to the point of Louis looking at him and see a seven years old Harry. So he’s been looking sadder than the usual and it’s been a while since Louis doesn’t make him laugh like he used to be able to do. And there are days when Harry needs to tell Louis that he wants to be alone. Again. Louis thought those times had become to an end but apparently they came back.

Of course Louis thought at first that this was the result of their conversation about Harry putting the option about liking boys. But Harry was okay in the morning. And the day after that. And the week afterwards. And even the month later on. But from a day to another he changed completely and Louis started to feel worried.

He still is worried. Now more than ever. For what it seems the hopes he had about Harry opening himself a bit more to him didn’t pass by it. Hopes. Harry doesn’t talk with Louis. Louis asked him twice what was happening and Harry basically ignored him. Louis knows he simply doesn’t want to talk and for much it costs to Louis, he needs to respect it.

But it’s hard. Too hard. Especially when he sees Harry faking, sees him trying his best to look okay so Louis doesn’t need to ask him what’s wrong so he replies the same old thing. It breaks his heart watching the beautiful boy giving him a smile and at the moment he looks away from Louis’ face it just drops. The way the comfortable silence turned to be the type of silence that makes Louis concerned. How Harry’s green eyes don’t shine so often especially because he hasn’t sleep well.

“Don’t you think it’s enough of study for today?” Louis asks looking at Harry who is in his desk while he is sat on Harry’s bed. Harry is probably stressed so Louis thinks he needs to rest and not study this hard like he does.

“You say that every day.” Harry says not looking back at him. He studied a bit as well. Probably fifteen minutes, it’s enough for him. He doesn’t like to study but he knows if it wasn’t for these study sessions with Harry he’d fail the year.

“Yeah but this time I’m saying this for your own good.” He mostly says it because he’s bored and can’t stand looking at Harry with his books while he’s looking at the walls. He doesn’t come at Harry’s house often but he knows all the details from Harry’s walls by now. Also, he probably eats all the food Harry has in the kitchen by how many times Barbara comes to his room bringing him snacks.

“How so?” Harry finally looks at Louis

“You look tired.”  _You look sad_ , Louis wants to say but it wouldn’t make sense.

“I’m not.” But Harry hears the words Louis wanted to say, so he answers at them instead as if he’d read his mind. Louis believes he does it sometimes.

“Okay.” Louis sighs and lays down on Harry’s bed “But can you lay down next to me for a bit now?”

There is silence for a moment and then he listens to Harry walking towards him. The bed moves and Harry’s presence next to Louis is warm and welcome. Familiar too. Louis looks at the curly haired boy – he definitely has curls now – and smiles just because he’s close to him.

“Thank you.” He whispers and doesn’t need Harry’s response. He wouldn’t get it anyway.

“Martin was expelled from school again.” Louis starts after some good long ten minutes with just the two of them enjoying the silence, – or the sound of their breathing – Harry is still looking up at the ceiling and Louis admires his features. It turns out not to be weird for Louis – and Harry doesn’t feel uncomfortable anymore – it’s just natural. “This time was because he got too nervous and threw the table around, shouting.” Harry doesn’t make signals that he’s actually listening to Louis. Somehow Louis knows he is but also knows that he’s not going to say anything. But it’s okay. He’s talking and Harry is listening to him and that’s what he needs. He likes it above everything “I thought he was going to hit me with the chair when I told him to calm down. He has problems. The teacher only told him to shut up and to try for the first time this period to pay attention. He doesn’t like when people draw him attention.” Harry hums just to make Louis sure he is listening “He’s too violent. I think it’s because he has problems at home with his parents. Don’t really know what kind of problems are. Hope it gets better for him because the way he behaves isn’t right.”

There is silence and Louis notices how tense Harry gets next to him “Yeah, hope it gets better.” Harry’s tone is calm and low as if he was speaking to the air.

“I remember on seventh grade having a girl on my class whose parents got divorced and she was calm and looked just fine.”

“It’s different for each person… probably.”

Louis looks at Harry attentively attempting to read his expression but it’s impossible “Hm, maybe you’re right.” He decides to say and a few minutes later he decides to speak again “You know my English teacher?” it’s a rhetoric question “You know that her class is actually the one I pay attention and like the most because she’s just crazy yeah? So yesterday we were, like, reading a text and she decided to-“

“Louis…”

“Yeah?” Louis looks at the side at Harry, still with a grin in his face due the story he was about to tell

“Like… I wanted to be alone.” Harry says, as simple as that. He isn’t cold nor harsh, he definitely isn’t but for Louis, god, for Louis those words hit him in a painful way.

He just, he is not used to it anymore. Listen to those words every day and now he has been listening to them so many times. Not this direct, no. Harry is usually softer with the way he tells Louis to leave like,  _I want to sleep because I’m kinda tired,_ Louis is fine with that, he wants Harry to rest properly or  _my parents are coming we don’t want to get in troubles,_ Louis understands. But these specific words… it’s almost as if he’s saying  _leave me alone._

“What?” He still asks because he wants to make Harry to change his mind. Louis doesn’t want to leave Harry especially in the times he wants Louis to leave. Those are the worst

“I-You... can you leave?” Harry asks leaving a sight escaping his lips after some long seconds with no response. Louis frowns and both sit up on the bed at the same time. Harry isn’t meeting Louis’ gaze and it’s probably because he knows how Louis is looking.

“Ouch.”

“I’m sorry.” He knows Harry is sorry but it’s still a pain in the ass listening to his best friend saying this “I’m sorry, Lou. I just want to be alone. In silence, okay? Please.” Harry speaks fast as if he was trying his best to cheer Louis up and make it not sound that harsh. To make Louis hear his point as fast as he can

“All right.” Louis says and maybe he is too dry and maybe he should have insisted with Harry and maybe make him talk to him and beg him – yes Louis is almost reaching this point – to tell him what’s been wrong with him because, damn, he’s his best friend and he cares so much that all this situation eats him on the inside. Even his bones hurt.

Louis crawls out of the bed and Harry watches him. Harry watches him but Louis tries to ignore or he’ll just embarrass himself. He knows that everything he says will be in vain, Harry won’t speak. He still feels like Harry doesn’t trust him and that’s not only pissing him off but also making him sad. Not to the point of crying, but to the point of throwing pillows against the wall and screaming under the blankets and that’s just worse.

“Lou?” Louis hears when he is picking his backpack and jacket from the floor. He turns around, a part of him hopes that Harry is going to talk to him, going to tell him to stay because Louis doesn’t want leave him, he wants to stay and hug Harry till he feels safe and okay and happy… oh Louis wants Harry happy. “I’m sorry.”

Louis nods “I know.” And  _me too_ , Louis wants to say but leaves Harry like he wished to because that’s what he always does.

~*~

“Why aren’t you with Harry?” Fiona asks him when she first enters the kitchen, coming back from work and sees Louis sat on the couch watching TV. It has no sound and Louis just spent an hour paralyzed looking at the screen.

“He needs space.” He answers dryly.

“It’s been a while since I don’t listen to that” she makes a weird face and starts taking care of the dinner.

“I know right?” His voice sounds raspy. Louis is mad. Not at Harry. At himself because he can’t help him and he almost does nothing for it. He does nothing because he knows Harry needs space and he just doesn’t want Harry to hate him and to ask him to leave for real.

Harry won’t do that but Louis doesn’t know. Louis doesn’t know how Harry feels.

“So what’s wrong darling?”

Louis sighs deeply and rolls his eyes. But then he remembers that his mother can’t read his thoughts and guess how he is feeling “I don’t know and that’s problem. I’m so worry but he doesn’t talk to me. He never talks. Since ever.”

“Maybe he doesn’t want to talk. Or maybe he thinks you’re not there to listen to him.”

“Are you kidding mom? I’m his best friend since always and he knows I care. I remind him that. I’m constantly trying to make him talk to me because I’m so worried. He’s getting worse and I don’t know what to do.”

“Tone Louis.” She warns him and Louis frowns. He didn’t even realise that he was speaking this loud. “Don’t you think it’s because of his parents? I mean, when wasn’t it?”

“I think that’s the reason. But even though he doesn’t talk. He never talks about them, just once in a while and it’s vague.”

Fiona walks towards her son, leaving what she was doing behind because that’s just the time to listen to Louis. She knows when he needs it the most and when he is just saying things with no sense, just to be noisy. This is not the time.

“Louis…” She sits next to him on the couch “You know I get to see Harry almost as much as you do. I don’t talk to him like you do but still. I like that boy a lot, you know it. When he is here I treat him as my son. Your father does too.” And he likes that, Louis thinks. Harry sees Louis’ house as his home because of that. It’s warmer and comfier than his. He is welcome. “He seems different since the first time you brought him here. God the boy barely looked at us and he hardly talked. And he is much better now. But I still see how sad he looks sometimes.”

“Mom…” Louis looks down his mother’s lasts words hurt him in a way he didn’t expect it to.

“Louis, I know you help him as much as you can but maybe he needs another kind of help.”

“What?”

“You know, someone he can talk with. He is so quiet, he has no friends except from you Louis. I don’t know how things at home are for him but I know they aren’t good.”

“What do you mean?”

“Louis!” She sighs “Maybe he needs to go to a shrink. Maybe he does need serious help because he is not okay.”

“What?” He repeats “He doesn’t even talk to me do you really think he is going to talk to a stranger?” Louis wants to laugh and also wants to tell his mother that she shouldn’t be saying these things. He won’t tell her to shut up because he knows she would slap him and tell him that she’s not one of his friends from school. “And Harry is not sick.”

“I didn’t say he is sick Louis.”

“So why does he need to go to a shrink?”

“A shrink is not for sick people Louis.”

“Uncle Patrick went there and he was sick.”

“He wasn’t sick Louis! He had some problems but he wasn’t.”

“You’re lying. You told me he was sick.” He doesn’t know the reason why his uncle went there he just knows he was kinda crazy. Harry is not crazy. Harry is not sick.

“Louis listen to me,-“

“No. You know what? Forget it!” he says and stands up from the couch. He ignores his mother’s words and walks upstairs to his room. On the way he sees Zoe looking at him weirdly but he ignores.

He always believe in his mother’s words, he always listens to them attentively. They’re like Harry’s ones. But this time he doesn’t want to. He ignores them and pushes them to the back of his head. He lays down on his bed and screams on his pillow by how frustrated he is feeling now.

It’s like something inside of him is suffocating him and when he tries to think of a way to solve things, to make everything all right, he sees all dark and he even stops breathing for two seconds.

He just wants to help Harry and prove to his mother that he is fine. And if he is not, Louis will make him feel better. Will make him happy.

~*~

It’s 7:30pm and Louis doesn’t want to have dinner so when his sister comes to his room, calling for him for the second time he throws the pillow in her face. She grumbles under her breathe but leaves Louis.

He takes his phone, which is rested above his pillow on the side since he is listening to music – the ones Harry told him about, he even has a playlist, sick – and opens  _messages_  to type

_Are we okay?_

That question has been filling his head since he shut the door from Harry’s room. The way he left and the way Harry told him to leave was weird and confused him.

After some long minutes Harry answers.

_Yeah.._

Not a usual answer for Harry. But it’s hard to believe that they are mad at each other. I mean, they never fought, they never really reached this point when Louis is laid down on his bed, having no contact with his best friend and wondering if Harry hates him or something.

Too much Louis.

He finally get his fingers to type another message, after being two minutes with them moving above the screen from his phone by thinking about what to say next.

_Are you okay?_

This is an important question. So Louis waits for the answer patiently. Even if Harry is not okay he doesn’t tell Louis he is. He never did it really, he finds a way to turn his answer to the other side, change topic, doesn’t answer or simply says the truth.

No.

So Louis waits.

And waits.

No response.

~*~

Louis feels weird by being under the sheets at 9:30pm on a Friday night, already trying to sleep, waiting to feel his eyes heavy. But the moment never comes. He usually stays on the phone with Harry, talking till he has sure the curly haired boy is asleep so then he can go to the computer till himself is sleepy enough so he can reach his bed and fall asleep right away.

He can’t be relaxed, he can’t fall asleep without first knowing how Harry is doing. It’s a habit of him and now he can’t let it go.

Maybe if he stopped listening to his playlist on his phone, on repeat, he wouldn’t be thinking about Harry this much. But that’s the thing. He can’t stop. And he doesn’t know if he wants to. Although he can’t stop thinking about how useless of a friend he has been all these years. And Harry might think the same as well. He doesn’t blame him but he didn’t want his best friend to think that way about him.

His mother eventually appears on his room minutes later to check on him. He tells her he’s okay but he’s a bit cold and doesn’t even bother to look at her. She tells him, that Carl and she are going to watch TV to their room so if he needs something to just ask. He won’t.

He stands up from the bed minutes later, although for him seemed to pass an hour. He walks towards his window and pushes the curtains to the side.

He can’t see the lights from Harry’s room on. Or he is sleeping – which is not probable because he always reads before going to bed, so sometimes when he and Louis are in a call he reads for him which is relaxing for Louis listening to Harry’s deep voice throught the phone– or he is not in the room just yet.

Neither of the things above are normal so maybe he is just laid down in his bed like Louis was.  _Maybe he is thinking about_ _me_ , Louis thinks. He hopes.

Even though he didn’t get what he wanted, he keeps leant over the window. It’s opened and he’s sure he’ll never dislike the fresh air from a night like this hitting his face. Harry showed him how to enjoy it.

Probably a minute later he hears a noise echoing the dark street from their neighbourhood. He looks down and sees a shadow coming out from Harry’s house and running down from the stairs to the sidewalk. He knows that shadow.

Louis doesn’t even react at the sight he shuts the window and runs out of his room to downstairs. He doesn’t care about the noise he is making and what his parents will think if listen to the front door being opened.

In the moment he opens it, Harry is in front of him and he feels two arms being wrapped around his body and a head being shoved against his shoulder. He almost falls backwards by the loss of balance but holds Harry instantly almost by instinct.

He feels him crying. Louis knows Harry is crying but he doesn’t talk. He lets him be there in silence, holding Harry and thankful for knowing the fact that Harry choose running to him. He even reminds himself the day he ran to Harry’s because of his grandfather’s death and Harry held him. He held him like this and maybe now he finally notices how tall Harry got. But that doesn’t matter.

“Shh, it’s okay babe. I’m here.” Louis whispers, petting Harry’s hair. He finally has his boy in his arms and is being almost selfish thinking this way and not thinking first about the fact that Harry is crying even more after listening to Louis’ voice.

Louis knew Harry wasn’t okay.

He hugs Harry tightly before pulling away. He dares to look at Harry’s face and maybe that’s when it hits him. Seeing the green eyed boy with puffy eyes, wet cheeks and lips trembling is physically and emotionally painful. He knows this aching inside of him by now and he always hated it. He still hates. Now even more.

Harry wasn’t born to cry, he was born to be happy. Those dimples are there to be shown to the world and to everyone see how beautiful he is. But now Louis can see his own reflection in Harry’s eyes by how watery they are. He can see Harry’s desperate, sad and dead expression.

“Harry…” he whispers, his hands already in Harry’s cheeks cleaning the tears he can. Useless because they keep streaming down

“Ta-Take me in-inside.” Harry sobs and Louis just nods. Seeing Harry like this makes him want to cry. And he is. He’s crying on the inside and himself feels sad.

He takes Harry’s hand in his, making sure to comfort him by gentle touches and brushes the skin from the back of his hand. They seem like they’re moving in slow motion till Louis reaches his room with Harry by his side. He shuts the door behind them and he is expecting to sit on his bed with Harry, however Harry doesn’t reach there. He lets himself fall on the floor, sliding his back down through the door. He wraps his arms around his knees and takes them to his chest, putting his head between them.

Louis suddenly finds Harry smaller and he can feel his own expression falling down, his eyes sadly looking at the boy crying there. He doesn’t know what to do so he stays stood up there, playing with his fingers next to his body, his arms tensely stretched, looking at the scene. The only sound heard on the room are Harry’s compulsive sobs. Louis feels empty and once again, useless.

The anxiety he feels takes over him so it just takes some seconds for him to stop tormenting himself and say  _enough._ He crouches down in front of Harry, in knees and with his bum sat on his own legs, and gently presses his hands above Harry’s hair to catch his attention.

“Harry, babe, I’m here.” He repeats his previous words, because Harry needs to understand them really well. His voice is so soft, sweet and caring and it’s so pleasant to hear. Harry raises his head to look at his best friends and once again Louis’ heart is squeezed inside of him by the vision.

“I-I’m so tired Louis… So-So tired” He breaks into sobs at the end of the sentence again and Louis is literally looking at Harry in sadness. His hands are now on Harry’s knees and he draws invisible circles on them, caressing the boy, making everything he can to relax him

“Do you… Do you wanna talk?” He chews the inside of his cheek and Harry doesn’t break eye contact with him, still with the tears streaming down his face.

Harry nods. He nods straight away, not giving himself time to think about what answer he can possible give “I want to Louis…” he answers now with words and Louis is surprised. Mostly relieved, but also surprised.

“I’m gonna listen to you then.”

“I’m tired of all the things that happen.” He starts and Louis doesn’t bother himself to feel shocked again by the fact that Harry doesn’t hesitate a bit when starts talking. It’s like he is just ready to let go out all the dark things he has inside. Louis keeps in his position, touching Harry’s knees and looking attentively at him.

“My house is a hell of a place Louis and I can’t escape from there.” Harry continues, voice hoarse and croaking. “My parents are so bad people, they don’t treat me like their son. They don’t care about me, they only care about their money and reputation. But… I don’t get why they just don’t leave me alone. They need to remind me how much of a loser I am, how much work I give to them and how much of a failure I will be in the future. Louis, I don’t get why they tell me those things, why they’re so strict. I did nothing to them, I don’t know why they don’t love me like your parents love you.”

“Harry…” Louis whispers and Harry probably doesn’t hear him because he keeps talking.

“They were fighting today. Well, they always fight you know? I wished they’d get divorced like the parents from the girl you knew. It’d be better for all of us. You know why we moved out to here? Because my father cheated on my mother. You know why they gave each other another chance? Because of money’s reasons. I get to know all of this by their fights. They don’t get along at all and I have to constantly listen to them screaming at each other. It’s the worst thing Louis because it never stops and the words they say at each other are the worst. You know the main reason of them fighting? It’s me. I am the reason Louis. They always find something to say. If I open my mouth to talk it’s a reason for them to shout at me. They can’t stand me and it’s been like this since I can remember. I don’t know if they ever loved me.” He makes a pause to catch his breath and clean the tears that are starting to fall harder by remembering all the episodes he has lived.

“Tonight they… Tonight they told me I was a mistake. That my mother wasn’t supposed to have me. That I was an accident and she should have listened to his mother when said to abort. Abort Louis. My parents had the courage to tell me they should have aborted me. You know how much that hurts? It’s so painful. Everything because tonight I had the brilliant idea to speak up and say that you had the right to come over when I wanted because you were my best friend. It was just because of that. I don’t understand what I did wrong Louis… I-I don’t… I don’t un-understand.” He starts crying again and Louis, mouth wide open by what he just heard, opens his arms to wrap them around the boy. It’s not a good position for them to hug since Harry’s knees are between them and Louis can’t feel his legs quiet well by the position he was listening to Harry but he doesn’t care. He needs contact with the boy in front of him or he’ll cry himself out by how sad he feels as well.

“Harry, I’m so sorry.” He whispers he doesn’t know what to say. There’s nothing he can say to solve things but one thing he knows. He hates Harry’s parents, he hates them because they made Harry this way. They make Harry unhappy. They don’t make their job as parents and that’s so wrong in Louis’ mind.

He wants to keep Harry. He wants to keep Harry with him in his house and never let him go. Louis wants to protect him from those two people who make him cry like this. Who were supposed to love him but instead say hurtful things to him. Harry says he doesn’t understand and Louis doesn’t neither. He has no answer for his parents’ behaviour

“Don’t be Louis…” Harry cries, his voice muffled by Louis’ body “Don’t be sorry. It’s all my fault. I don’t belong here. I’m not okay but it’s fine. I deserve it. I’m not okay… I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not-“

“Harry!” Louis calls his attention pulling away from the embrace and taking Harry’s cheeks with his hands. It hurts him listening to Harry saying this specially watching his state. He looks paranoid saying these things with a dead tone as if it didn’t matter. It does matter and Louis is worried sick with him. “Harry no. You belong here. You belong here with me. I want you here, I want you okay.” He presses their forehead together and closes his eyes whispering above Harry’s lips “I’m going to take care of you, you hear me? I’ll be next to you always I won’t let them hurt you. I’m here Harry. You see? I’m here and I want you with me.”

Louis doesn’t even notice a few tears streaming down his cheeks and falling over Harry’s lap while he talks. He doesn’t notice how tight he is grabbing Harry’s cheeks, afraid he is going to leave. He also doesn’t notice Harry’s fingertips on his cheeks cleaning the delicate and tiny tears away, as if he is admiring them and make sure they’re real.

“I want you with me as well.” Harry’s croaky voice is heard between them and Louis can even feel the words hitting his own lips by how close they are. They taste good and he wants to listen to more promises and to sweet words that make him happy.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” They’re both with their eyes open and this time Louis tastes Harry’s green and watering eyes. They taste like love.

“No but…” Louis finally moves but only to sink his face between Harry’s collarbone and neck. He likes to be this close to Harry. Like this he is sure he is not going anywhere. He’s safe next to him. “I really do love you Harry.” His words hit Harry’s bare skin and it’s warm, soft and welcome “You’re amazing. I’m so lucky. I like the way you make me feel even when you’re nowhere near me. Just because it’s you. I’d like to say you’re like a petal of a flower. Delicate, beautiful and wanted. I know the petals from flowers always fall but you know what? I’m going to be there to catch you and save you. Because I just want to keep you. You taught me how to love things. How to love you. And I adore it. Promise you will be with me. Promise you will let me protect you.”

“I promise.” Harry answers “I promise Louis. Thank you.” And it’s his turn to wrap his arms around Louis. Harry kisses his temple, caresses his soft hair and sights. Sights in relief.

And they might or might not have fallen asleep like this and waking up the next morning with a backache but that’s not even the worst of their worries in that moment. Although they don’t care. They don’t care for a time and Louis helps Harry not to care as well just to try to make him happy. Not for the time he deserves but for the time he needs for now.


	9. That's Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was editing this and then i noticed i missed two chapters?????? i thought i published it but apparently not and this was just a mess oh god
> 
> Playlist:
> 
> So soon - Marianas Trench
> 
> Angel of Mine - The Icarus Account

Harry’s parents didn’t even get from the lack of their soon during the night and morning he was at Louis’. Which was good. Perfect even. And Louis was relieved when he went with him back to Harry’s house and got to know that.

So things get back to normal. Harry is making up for all the things he kept from Louis and Louis likes it. Louis loves it because now every time Harry feels down he doesn’t tell Louis to go away or keeps quiet, no. He talks with his best friend, he tells him what happened, what he is thinking and feeling and that’s the best sensation from the whole world for Louis. He feels needed and more like a better friend for Harry. He is being there for the curly boy like he deserves to.

And Louis loves listening to Harry talking. He simply adores it because the older boy has a special and lovely voice to be heard. When his words are sad and his tone dead, he says it as if he is reciting poetry. But Louis seems not to listen to his own words, because when he tries to make Harry feeling better, when he says those sweet special words to his best friend, full promises, he sounds like he is telling Harry the meaning of love without saying the proper word and Harry feels it even. He feels loved with Louis whispering him sweet nothings and lovable promises and he can’t see, he can’t fucking see how good he is making Harry feel. How protected he makes him feel. He can’t see how the green eyed boy looks at him as if the words he is speaking to him are words that only a good writer could write in his book.

“You good?” Louis asks making his best to look at his best friend from the side without being hit by the light of the sun on his light eyes.

“Yes…” Harry answers not stopping from their walk. It’s a hot day of July and he knows if he stops he’ll feel like he’s burning. “I think.” He finishes

“What’s wrong babe?” he asks in his soft tone. The pet name is usual by now and Louis probably doesn’t even realise when uses it.

“We talk later, yes?” Harry says “Let’s buy an ice cream now okay?” he suggests when they walk by the coffee shop where it sells their favourite ice creams with cracker

Louis nods because he knows he’ll eventually speak by now. There is no doubt and that warms his chest.

They end up sitting on one of the tables outside under a sun umbrella to protect themselves from the hot rays of sunshine. Harry is eating his usual vanilla and caramel ice cream, trying his best not to eat the cracker around while Louis eats his not so usual waffle, his, with strawberry flavour.

“You can stop by my house tonight. My parents are going away this afternoon so I have the whole week for myself.” Harry says and Louis grins. Here it comes the good days when Harry doesn’t need to listen to bullshit from Sarah and David. It smells more like summer eve even.

“All right. I can tell my mom to make extra dinner and I can bring it.”

“Sounds good.” Louis likes the smile Harry gives him when he’s truly happy. It sounds mean to refer Harry’s happiness with the fact that his parents are out but that’s the painful and stupid reality for them.

“Hm, so Lou…”

“Harry?” Louis laughs a little making Harry drop his serious expression

“Are you excited to change school and start high school?”

“Oh yeah, actually I am. I mean I was so tired of that place. The teachers, people and ambient. I think is good a bit of change, it’ll feel fresh and–oh, shit.” Louis curses when notices Harry’s expression and now he knows why Harry looked like he was thinking too much “Harry I-“

“No.” He tries to curve his lips to form a smile. “No, it’s fine. It’s good to know that you’re excited with that.” Maybe Louis’ grades can start to be better by the change of ambient, Harry thinks. It sounds good for him. It sounds good because now Louis will be free from him at school and can finally make proper friends and spend more time with them. It’ll be good. For both. Maybe just for Louis. But Harry will prove him that it’ll be fine for him as well. “It’ll be fine.”

“No Harry. God, I’m sorry I didn’t–Jeez, I didn’t think about the fact that we’ll be in different schools now but-“

“Right, you didn’t…” Harry whispers and he suddenly doesn’t feel like finishing his cracker “You don’t need to apologise Louis, you know? It was obvious that this was going to happen. I mean, I’m not going to tie you up and not allow you to go to school” he laughs a bit but concern is written upon Louis’ face.

“I know Harry but… You’re going to be alone. That’s not right and it makes me feel-“

“Don’t.” Harry interrupts him once again “Louis I’ll be fine. I’m turning fifteen, god, I can take care of myself, no?”

No. Louis wants to answer but he doesn’t. Instead “I know you can.” Harry doesn’t believe those words so. “But will you? I mean, fine. Will you be fine?”

“I will.” Harry nods with a small smile. “I will and you will as well. And you’ll make new and proper friends. Promise?”

Louis’ bites the inside of his cheek. Leaving Harry alone in that school doesn’t make him feel okay, but “Promise.” He says “And you will as well… make friends?!” Harry doesn’t answer “Promise.”

Harry shakes his head “Can’t promise it.” He knows. Louis knows.

“I won’t leave you though. Nothing will change and I will keep an eye on you. It’ll be almost as if I was there” Louis smiles and this time Harry nods. He knows. Harry knows he will.

~*~

"Good morning"

“How was your day?”

“Be careful”

“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe”

“How are you?”

“I hope you’re feeling better today”

“Have a good day today!”

“I miss you”

“Good night”

“Can you come over?”

“Can I come over?”

“Can I see you?”

“Can I call you?”

“You’re beautiful”

“How is your day so far?”

“It will be okay”

“I’m here for you”

“Do you need anything?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice”

These are some of the good amount of messages Louis starts to send to Harry through the weekdays when school starts, two months later. They spend less time together now – not that they don’t see each other often through the week. They do, but they were used to see each other constantly so there is a bit of a difference now – so Louis needs to make sure Harry is okay. And Harry is happy for it. He loves Louis’ messages and most of his replies are as special as

“you just made my day”

And Louis smiles dumbly looking at his phone’s screen.

In the first week of school, Louis was deeply concerned with his best friend because how could Harry survive there alone without him? But Harry assured him that he was, he is okay – because Louis, still now, is too overprotective and Harry needs to repeat that he is all right.

He spends his time on the library reading or studying, listening to music and he is completely fine. Louis doesn’t think it is healthy but he knows it won’t take them anywhere if he tells Harry to go outside and socialise. He knows the boy likes that time alone.

So besides the fact that they aren’t in the same school everything is okay and Harry has no reason to be worried about Louis leaving him. How could he even put that option?

“God dammit, finally!” Louis shouts with a grin when opens the door and jumps into Harry’s arms to give him a tight hug. He doesn’t see him since Thursday morning and it’s Friday night so he missed Harry. It’s not as stupid as it seems. At least in Louis’ head.

“Missed you.” And for what it seems neither in Harry’s.

Louis has to put on tiptoes. ON TIPTOES to be taller than Harry. So now, when they usually hug, is him who sinks his face on the crook of Harry’s neck, while his arms are around it and is Harry wrapping his arms around Louis’ body. Louis doesn’t want to admit, but he likes that warmness and he can’t believe Harry is growing up faster than him, like this.

“Jesus Harry you got even more beautiful in this last three days”. Louis shakes his head when pulls away, looking properly at his best friend. “And this beanie suits you well” he touches the small curls that pop out of Harry’s beanies and Harry blushes but Louis says it so casually that he doesn’t even notice it and keeps going “Just going to call my father and we can go.” He says but that information doesn’t stop Harry to come into Louis’ house to say hi to Fiona and even at little Peter who is next to her watching TV.

Carl appears minutes later and they go to the garage, to the car.

They decided, this time, to go watch a movie at the cinema. Louis’ parents don’t mind to let him go out on a Friday night because they’re so sure that he is going to be okay. Especially with Harry. So after the movie is over they’re going to pick them up and Harry goes to Louis’ again. Obviously his parents aren’t home – surprise, surprise – they went out last night and just come back Monday. But Harry thanked to the God he doesn’t believe in for their trip this weekend, since they spent this lasts days at home in their worst mood. Harry couldn’t breathe in that house already.

“You have no idea how much I wanted this Friday to come.” Harry says then when they are already alone in the elevator from the mall to go to the cinema’s floor. “My parents were making me crazy, Lou.” Louis looks at his friend, not in pity, but in sadness because he doesn’t know which is worst: not knowing what’s going on with Harry or knowing what’s going on with Harry. “And I just miss you so damn much in that school. You can’t imagine.”

Louis squeezes Harry’s hand not caring if they’re almost reaching the floor “I’m sorry babe.”

Harry looks at him and their eyes meet “It’s fine. It’s fine now.” He smiles and Louis needs, he needs to smile back.

The elevator stops and they drop hands to walk out and heading to the cinema. They do what they normally do that is choosing the movie that is going to start in that hour, buy ice tea, share the popcorns – they only last till the first fifteen minutes from the movie though – and choose the seats from the back.

“Why did we come to see this movie really?” Louis says when it’s over and they are finally seeing each other's faces properly due the light

“Hum…”

“Yeah, don’t answer it.” both laugh

“It was cute Louis.”

“Too cliché and romantic.”

“You didn’t like it?” Harry asks and they walk in slow steps to the entrance, downstairs so then Louis can call his father to pick them up there.

“I did… but you know I prefer action or comedy movies.”

“Still think it was cute.” Louis looks at him for an instant just admiring his profile till Harry notices it and both stop walking “What?”

“You are cute.” He says and doesn’t care about leaning over and kiss his best friend’s cheek right there. What’s the deal though? They’re best friends, Louis thinks.

“And you say the movie was cliché.” Harry says and Louis starts laughing

“Save me that.” He plays mad but doesn’t really work with Harry.

They walk downstairs – chose not to use the elevator this time – till Louis is forced to stop “Louis, mate?”

“Hey, Mickey!” Louis fist bumps his friend and Harry stops next to him. “What are you doing here?”

“Meeting Camila in the movies.” He answers. His voice is deep, deeper than Harry’s – Louis still prefers his best friend’s one, of course – and he’s got a beard already. He’s probably older than Louis, but he never seems curious enough to ask how much older.

“Who’s your friend?” He shakes his head towards Harry. Harry doesn’t meet his gaze, but he saw the boy’s face already. Strict glare, pierced lip, dark hair pulled into a great quiff, wearing a leather jacket and black skinny jeans, ripped in the knees. He is weird, Harry thinks. Different and kinda creepy even. Not Harry’s type then.

“Oh, hum, he’s Harry. My best friend.”

“Oh the guy you usually are texting at school.” His voice doesn’t sound friendly, though he is being nice. His tone just doesn’t match his words.

“That’s right.” Louis grins and he wished Harry could see his smile. But then… yeah. “Well, we really kinda need to go.” Louis tries to hurry the conversation, especially when sees Mickey looking too much at Harry and he feels like he’s up for a quick chat

“Oh mate, what’s the deal? I was looking forward to know better this fellow who you can’t stop talking about.” Mickey takes his hands to Harry’s shoulders and he might finally grin. Harry flinches with the touch and Louis doesn’t seem to realise that he’s with his eyes widely open looking at Mickey touching and pulling Harry to his side, closer, in that way. Too much contact for Louis – should be only for Harry though – and he feels like ripping his mate’s head. Simply because no one is allowed to touch Harry that way, no one is allowed to touch Harry in any way possible. Louis is the only one because Harry only allows him to get that close.

Harry keeps looking at the floor but Louis can see how tense he is “Sorry, but we really have to go.” Louis says and takes Harry away from Mickey, pulling the boy to his arms instead, not caring how weird it might look “Another time. See you on Monday” He gives him a small smile and walks away, with his arm around Harry’s shoulders and leaving Mickey frowning

“Sorry about that.” Louis says when Harry has stepped away from his arms and the big automatic doors are opening for them, to walk outside. 

“Hum, it’s fine.”

Louis could just see how in panic Harry looked like with Mickey’s appearance and acts. He wants to tell Harry that is fine, is fine letting other people coming to him. People won’t hurt. Well, just if he doesn’t allow them to. But Louis wished Harry could make some friends, but he has seen through the years how impossible that seems to be.

However, a part of him doesn’t mind though. That means he’s the only one who can be with Harry, he’s special and as long as he can he’ll protect the boy and that way he’ll be sure that no one will hurt Harry. Louis just needs to protect him from himself. That’s not hard. He’ll have control over that.

“Seems that it wasn’t.”

“Who’s him?” Harry asks, ignoring Louis statement when they lean their backs over the wall from outside the shopping centre. The road is just in front of them and Louis will need to text a quick message to his father to pick them up on the usual place.

“One of the friends I made at school. Told about them already.”

“Yeah. But you never mentioned a Mickey.”

“Oh, yeah but I have talked about him. Just never said his name.” Louis takes his phone out of his pocket to send his father the message and puts it back. It is quick since Harry keeps the silence while he does it.

“Why?”

“Don’t know why Harry. Just didn’t came the opportunity I guess” He laughs. But he has a reason. Mickey is not just the type of person to talk glorious things about so saying his name and telling those crazy things about him wouldn’t make Harry feel good about knowing Mickey makes part of his good group of friends.

Mickey along with Camila, his girlfriend, Ian, who he already knew from ninth grade and Caroline are the people he gets better along with in high school. And he’s fine with them, they’re cool. Kinda popular but Louis doesn’t really care about it. He made through his promise with Harry so…

“All right.” He says not meeting Louis’ gaze “Is he a good friend of yours?”

“Kind of. I mean, I just know him for two months, still don’t know him that well. Same with the others. But they’re okay.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah it is.” Louis snuggles in his jacket and Harry shoves his hands in his jeans’ pockets. It’s cold for November, or maybe is just the right cold for this time of the year.

“Cold?” Harry asks ready to change the topic. Yet, Louis notices something weird on him, something that involves this whole previous episode but he pulls it away. At least for now.

“A bit. My father is…“ Louis stops talking when Harry wraps his arms around his shoulders and pulls him to his chest, being too close. Too close really and Louis body starts to warm up. Harry hardly makes moves like this one so Louis is just a bit surprise. But it’s okay. “…coming.” He finishes looking up at Harry. Green eyes are looking back at him and Harry gives Louis a small but sweet smile, showing a bit of his dimples.

Louis nods. He’s not agreeing with anything. Or maybe he is. But it’s just a gesture to assure Harry that it’s okay. And maybe is his way to say I love you without saying the words.

Harry kisses his temple when Louis slowly looks away “I just want you okay there. Want you to have someone” Louis is surprised. Too surprised with this words.

“And I am. And I do have.” Harry nods now just looking forward at the cars driving through the street “I am okay there. And I have you. That’s enough.” He clarifies

“It’s not enough Lou.” Louis frowns

“Do you have someone at school?” Harry doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to. Louis knows the answer “But you do have me, right?”

“I do.”

“Is that enough for you?” Harry chuckles. It’s not funny it’s just… he just lost and Louis won. Louis is enough for Harry like Harry is enough for Louis “See…”

The conversation finishes there because it wasn’t going anywhere and didn’t make much sense. They keep the silence, close to each other, till five minutes later Carl appears. They walk towards the car and Louis’ father drives them back home. The drive is normal with Carl and Harry chatting a bit while Louis makes annoying sounds because when his father and Harry talk is always about educational things they watched on TV.

Already at home, Louis lends Harry some pyjamas pants, a shirt and socks – because Harry sleeps in socks when the weather is cold – and they go to Louis’ room after getting all ready and of course, after drinking their simple, cold milk with cookies while talking about everything and nothing, in the dark of the kitchen. They don’t get ride of that habit.

At half past midnight they’re forced to make less noise and talk in a whisper when Louis’ mother appears in the room saying that she is going to bed. They keep quiet for some minutes, giving Fiona time to fall asleep so they can go back to their conversation.

Louis doesn’t know, they don’t know, how they manage to have so many things to talk about. They usually use Louis’ laptop, rested on Louis’ right thigh and Harry’s left one, to search some stuff on the internet, to show each other, so maybe that’s how they get topics to talk about. Maybe.

But Louis likes to be like this with Harry, it seems nothing but it’s a whole source of happiness thing, if it even makes sense at all. Their arms are touching side to side, their thighs are being warmed up by the laptop above them, they share Louis’ earphones – Louis’ with the right one and Harry with the left, they take it very seriously – and when they’re watching some kind of video Harry makes sure to rest his head above Louis’ shoulder. Harry’s curls tickle his chin and he just feels good things from it.

They don’t know how they start on a video about bike rides to one with cats meowing, from people falling to babies laughing. But Louis doesn’t care and Harry finds it too funny. It seems like a boring way to spend a night, however it is not for them. Once in a while the laptop is forgotten in their laps when they take off the earphones to tell one another something that comes up on their mind and need to share with the other. That’s how they work and it’s comfortable. Harry is comfortable around Louis and Louis likes Harry’s presence. It’s like he has two arms holding him all the time.

When they gave up on YouTube and Louis decides to go on Tumblr – he has it thanks to Harry and at first he didn’t understand what was so funny about it but then he kinda got addicted and has some good laughs due it –, Harry pulls his earphone out of his ear, for what it seems the fifth time that night, and Louis stops the music he put playing.

“Last night,” he starts and that’s the cue for Louis to take his earphone as well, giving his attention to the curly boy “I was on Tumblr, right?”

“Right.” Louis chuckles and both are looking at each other. Louis can see the mixture of feelings Harry is having now, just by his face expressions. Serious, but somehow a bit amused and… embarrassed?

“And I was scrolling down when… well, it wasn’t the first time that appeared it but I think it was different this time.” Louis gives him a confused look. Harry is talking way too fast for his normal and his eyes are pointing at the ceiling. “Because I felt, hum, weird? Maybe funny but I can’t really explain it. Although it made me-”

“Harry!” Louis calls him. They aren’t talking in a whisper like they should but maybe it’d be a better idea to lower their voices. “What? What did you see? I’m confused, you know!” he laughs

“Oh right.” Harry is now looking back at Louis. Fortunately, for the blue eyed boy. “I’m gay.” He says as simple as that and Louis frowns.

“Hum… I think you-“

“No, like, now I’m sure. I’m gay Louis.” Harry never said to Louis those words. They never talked about it since Harry told him he might like boys. Louis almost forgot about it, a part of him wished that he could forget about it again now, but the other part – a bigger one – doesn’t even care, he just feels pride.

“You’re gay.” He repeats just to make himself used to it and Harry nods

“I am.” And Harry is grinning and it’s so different from the first time he shared this with Louis. Hands shaking, head down, voice trembling, cheeks blushing… well he might be a bit rosy as well but it shows how he doesn’t care about what Louis might think because he has sure that It’s okay. It’s fine, it’s not wrong and Louis will support him

“So tell me what you saw on Tumblr to make you sure about it.” Louis chuckles and Harry blushes even more

“Well I… hum it was…”

“Oh no.” Louis starts laughing “Don’t finish it, know it already. Oh my god, I can’t imagine you watching porn.”

“Louis!” Harry’s face is all red and so does Louis’ but that’s only because he can’t stop laughing “Shut it! Your father is going to appear at the door if you don’t shut up.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He wipes the tears from the corner of his eyes still chuckling. “Was it your first time?”

“What?” 

“You know, first time doing that…” Louis is now more serious, yet they both don’t feel awkward talking about this even if Harry is a bit embarrassed and still feeling his cheeks burning.

“Hum… No. But it was the first time I did it after watching… you know…”

“Still can’t imagine you doing that neither.”

“Well… good then. Don’t even try.” Harry laughs this time and Louis joins him. “Is it weird?” Harry asks when both calm down. They are still in the same position and that’s probably because neither one dared to move

“What? You watching porn? A bit.”

“Louis!”

“Harry!” Harry plays mad but let’s escape a chuckle when Louis laughs a bit “It’s not weird Harry. I told you the first time you came up with that conversation that anything would change. You’re still you just happen to like boys. So what? Boys are hot. I mean, look at me.” Harry laughs and slaps Louis in the arm playfully

“You’re not hot Louis.”

“Excuse you!” he looks indignant at Harry “You can say it, I don’t mind.”

“Shut up dickhead.” Harry pushes him with a grin, making the laptop fall from Louis’ leg and making him lose his balance and fall over his mattress.

He is still mocking Harry so he puts the laptop on the side and starts pushing Louis out of the bed “Don’t you dare!” Louis doesn’t even has strength to fight back and hold himself on the sheets, by being laughing this hard and being in such an exposed position.

So it’s easy for Harry to gain strength to push Louis out of the bed. However Louis catches Harry’s arms and pulls Harry with him so both are now on the floor crying in pain since this time they didn’t open the drawer under the bed, for Harry. 

Louis’ left leg is still up in the mattress while the sole of his right foot hit the floor along with his head and his elbow hit the corner of the nightstand. He’s groaning in pain while Harry laughs with his body on top of his best friend.

“You’re comfy, thanks, didn’t hurt myself.” Harry jokes taking his hands to the side of Louis’ head to support himself

“Bloody bastard.” Louis groans, eyes shut tightly

“If you keep making all this noise your father will come here and you know he’ll be mad.” Harry repeats although in an amused tone. He parts his legs so both are beside Louis’ waist respectively. It’s a weird position but he doesn’t intend to get out of Louis’ lap, just to make the older boy suffer with his weight.

“I hate you.” He keeps groaning and breathing heavily to recover from the pain on his elbow. That’s what hurts the most and he can’t even move to rub it. Why does his bed have to be so high?

“You don’t hate me.”

“I do. I fucking do.” Harry just laughs

“Oh but I love you.” He says in a low tone, leaning over and pressing a kiss on Louis’ cheek. Yet, laughing. “You’ll be fine.” He whispers and kisses his other cheek now. Slowly and gently.

“Harry!” he groans however Harry – neither Louis – is not quite sure if the reason is still due the pain.

“I’ll need to take care of you.” Harry whispers above Louis’ lips and his blue eyes are open now. He needed to open them to watch Harry’s face this close from him. Brown curls tickling his cheeks, green and sparkling eyes over him and he’s so grateful for the light being on to appreciate his best friend beauty.

The way Harry looks at him makes him need to take a deep breathe. It’s so soft and tender and Louis just wants to snuggle Harry on his chest.

Louis travels his hands through Harry’s arms. Maybe too slowly, tightly and delicately to feel every muscle he might be being developing. “I think you’ll need.” He whispers back but doesn’t realise curling his tongue inside of his mouth to form these words.

Harry leans over. Harry is leaning over and they can’t be any closer like they were before. They can’t and shouldn’t. But he still does it.

He does it and in the next moment Louis just feels Harry’s wet tongue passing through his nose in a disgusted way and, with the shock, he moves his leg – the one that still was above his bed – and feels his knee hitting into something. So then there is Harry laughing, Louis making a disgusted noise and the lamp falling down on the night stand.

It happens too quickly but Harry keeps laughing and Louis protesting and telling him how he hates him again and asking how he managed to find such a stupid best friend… so the next thing they hear is Louis’ door being opened and oh god, holy damn, their hearts jump a bit in their chest and both look up at the door.

They mentally thank every god it might exist for not seeing Carl stood up there.

“Can you two please, shut the hell up?” Zoe shouts. Harry and Louis look at each other weirdly and the room falls into silence.


	10. Smile for the picture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Your call by Secondhand serenade (this is like their theme song)

It’s Christmas Eve, which means Louis is finally going to turn sixteen. Being sixteen, for Louis, four years ago, seemed to be something big. Bigger than what he is feeling right now. He feels the same he felt yesterday and he is going to spend his birthday the same way he spent last year. When he was eight, he liked his birthday. It was better. Till he turned thirteen birthday. It started to be awful. He didn’t go to Manchester like he used to, to be with his grandfather. He got used to it at some point. But he still feels an empty space inside of him. It’ll probably be there forever.

He doesn’t see himself inviting his new friends to his house to do something. Neither they would like it nor would Louis know what to do. Besides they must be busy with their families. Though, Louis can’t imagine Mickey spending Christmas with his family, the others yeah, Mickey, no. But he doesn’t know the older boy that well to judge.

Of course that before thinking about his new friends he thought about Harry. He cringes with the thought of putting his new friends first. Never. He will never do that.

But Harry usually goes to London to spend Christmas with his family. And if he is not going, like last year, he stays at home with his parents. Harry hates Christmas but that’s one thing Louis can’t help him with. He started to hate it as well.

“Louis! Harry is here.” He hears his mother from downstairs. She’s lucky that the music stopped right in time, otherwise he wouldn’t have listened to her due being using his earphones.

“Coming!” He shouts back and jumps out of his bed.

He hates this times when he has to say goodbye to Harry. He’s already imagining. Walking downstairs and being faced with a sad curly boy at the end of the stairs. They’ll hug each other and Louis will whisper sweet things close to Harry’s ear that only the both of them will know what it is. No one can hear it, it’s their secret. But the words make always Harry feel better and strong. So it’s probably  _I love you, it’s going to be okay. Call me when you reach there so I won’t miss your voice that much. You’re beautiful and strong._ And Louis feels sad when sees Harry sneaking inside of his house again so his parents don’t get to know that he went to Louis’ just to say goodbye. 

“Hey babe!” Louis makes his best to smile at Harry when sees him and yet, it seems like he doesn’t even need to try. Especially this time, he doesn’t see that sad expression he thought he’d see on Harry

“Morning!” Harry grins. He grins and besides his red cheek and puffy eyes, saying  _I’ve just been crying,_ he is fine. No really, he is fine.

“Hey, what happened?” Louis is confused, he doesn’t know if he should smile or frown or act concern. Fiona looks at the two boys for a moment before heading back to the kitchen.

“Nothing more. My parents are gone.”

“Gone?” So Louis makes a confused face

“Gone.” Harry nods and Louis’ face is enough for him to add “Not forever,” he chuckles even though it’s not funny. He’s not amused with what is happening and Louis knows it. Even not knowing what the hell is happening “but just for this week. I mean, I don’t know if they’re back for the New Year. But probably.”

Harry starts walking to the living room and Louis follows him. He knows the boy wants to talk so the hall is not a good place to do it.

“Wait. So they went to London without you?”

Harry nods once again “We had a fight this morning. Not sure about what to be honest.” It’s almost amused the way Harry says it. “But something about how I talked about our family. Imagine what it is to be two days with my father and mother’s family. It’s the worst because they’re all the same. All grumpy and snob and I can’t be in the same room as them without going mad. So my mother was saying the same thing she always says. Harry,” he starts to make a pitcher voice, with a strong accent, to mimic his mother’s. With no success because it’s just funny and Louis has to control his laughter “behave yourself and be nice to everyone. Don’t you dare to make something to shame us or you’ll regret it later. All of this in a nice tone, of course. Then I said, well then don’t make me go because I can’t act nicely with that people. Then she slapped me and started to shout at me because I’m impolite and shouldn’t talk with her that way. So I said, it was you and David who raised me so it’s all your fault and she slapped me again and my father appeared and they started screaming at me and blaming each other for my behaviour and well somehow they took their luggage and went to the car. And left.”

“God Harry.” Louis learnt that most of the fights Harry and his parents have are because of stupid things and things they can avoid. He never said it. But he thinks it and the fact that Harry is like he is because his parents don’t tolerate anything from him, pisses him off. “You know what I told you already. Just, don’t say anything when they’re like this. Don’t say things like that, things that you know that it will make them madder. It’s worse.” 

“I know Lou, but sometimes I reach my limit of listening to so many bullshit and just say it without thinking.”

Louis shakes his head. There’s nothing that he can do. “I know but see how things end?” 

“Are you saying it is all my fault?”

“No!” Louis says too quickly. “It’s their fault because they aren’t good people. They are just crazy.”

“Yeah sorry.”

Louis reaches Harry’s face with his hand to see those green eyes. He caresses his swollen cheek always blue meeting green. “I’m here now.” Harry nods and closes the gap between them, wrapping his arms around Louis’ neck so Louis holds the younger boy in his arms.

“Happy Birthday. Again.” Harry places a soft kiss on Louis’ neck due the angle and Louis holds him tighter. Harry called him last night, singing happy birthday in a soft whisper and between giggles from the other side of the phone. Nevertheless, it’s never enough.

From a second to another Louis pulls away, eyes wide open “So that means… that you’ll finally spend the day with… with us?”

“If your mother don’t-“

“Oh my god, yes!” Lois shouts and hugs Harry again. Eyes pressed together with a wild smile on his lips by the happiness.

Harry laughs and hugs him back.

Maybe they’ll both learn to like Christmas again. 

~*~

Louis’ mother didn’t mind. Would never mind.

First time Louis is spending his birthday with Harry and he feels like they’re nine and ten again. That’s amazing. He is happy and the best of it is that Harry seems like he’s part of the family tonight. Well more like he seems to be. Because everyone considers Harry family by now. Even Zoe. And Peter loves Harry.

Harry feels like the Tomlinson’s are more like a family to him than his own. He doesn’t know if that’s good or just sad. Maybe both.

“Excuse me, but it’s my turn Harry.” Zoe says firmly, getting up from the couch and taking the Wii remote from his hands in a blink of an eye

“Nope, my turn.” He says following her and taking the remote from her hands, from behind her back. Harry is so much taller than her that it’s easy to just reach it behind her shoulders. “Thank you” he jokes and walks back to his place next to Louis.

She looks at him in indignation with her blonde hair falling over her forehead, only showing one blue eye. Louis laughs due her face, he just loves when Harry teases her till the point she looks like is going to explode.

Zoe doesn’t waste time by walking towards him again, in a way that it was just by luck that she didn’t bump in the coffee table “My house. My remote.” She tries to take the remote from Harry’s hand but with his move she misses it. Also, just by luck that it didn’t hit Louis. First time he’s thankful for not being so close from Harry. “Harry! Give me that!” her voice is high pitch

“No.” He laughs

She tries again to take it from his hands but misses it once more, losing her balance and almost falling over him. Harry prevents that to happen by holding her by her waist, but in a quick movement he presses her on the couch so she’s shouting at him and calling him names.

“Hey, can you two drop it already?” Louis says looking at her sister laid on the couch and Harry tickling her “My birthday present, my remote.” he says and takes it from Harry’s hands. The situation started not to be funny anymore

“Oh Lou is grumpy now.” Harry leaves Zoe and turns his attention to his best friend, putting his arm around Louis’ shoulders.

Louis tries to push him away but Harry keeps still “You two are just so noisy.” Louis says

“Do you really wanna talk about it bro?” Zoe says sitting up, rolling her eyes. She’s just one year younger than Harry and it seems like she’s more mature than the two of them. Well, Harry seems more mature than Louis and he’s a year younger. Dammit, why do Louis has to get along with people that make him look younger than he is?

“Sorry babe.” Harry teases and gives a wet kiss on Louis’ cheek and then snuggles on the crook of his neck

“You two make me sick.” Zoe says making a disgusted noise

“What’s been happening here?” Fiona says while Carl and Peter appear behind her. Peter with napkins in his small hands, Fiona holding a cake and Carl with a tray with cups.

“Cake, cake!” Peter shouts and goes sit next to his siblings and Harry. When he sees cake he doesn’t act like a seven years old boy. Or maybe he does. Maybe kids in his age love cake look happy when see it so Louis doesn’t remember how it was to be seven.

Fiona puts the cake on the coffee table. Louis and Harry did it themselves and Louis hopes is eatable. They kinda made a mess in the kitchen so cooking seems not to be for them. Harry looks optimist about it though.

They turn the lights off and the room is illuminated by the few light from outside and from the candles. They sit on the floor, in a circle while Louis keeps sat on the couch with Harry next to him.

They sing happy birthday and Louis’ eyes are shining with the candles. He probably doesn’t realise how wild he’s smiling, how happy he is actually feeling. Well maybe he does and this precisely moment should be shared with the world, the way Louis looks at everyone, the way he forms crinkles in the corner of his eyes and he is listening to them singing. But somehow, is like he only hears to Harry’s voice. Maybe it’s because he is the closest from him or maybe because it’s a new voice singing this to him.

Carl is recording the moment. He has his camera on his hands and filming the whole moment, catching Louis’ face, Louis’ happy face. Catching the smile he gives to the people around while they’re applauding after the song finishes, the way he stands up and receives with opened arms his mom to hug him and the way Harry steals him from Fiona.

The way he curls his arms around Louis’ neck making him almost lose his balance by the sudden movement. He catches Harry whispering something in his ear, but that, once again, is something that will be just between the two of them. Maybe it’s a new promise or just a reminder from an old one. 

He catches everything, even the way Louis’ grabs Harry’s face in both hands and kisses his forehead in a gesture that Carl might or might not have recorded himself saying an  _awe_ and his wife’s tender look.

Peter appears between the two boys and Louis takes him in his lap, the little boy is small and tiny so it’s easy for Louis.

“I have a present for you!” Harry says then and Carl doesn’t turn off the camera just yet. No, he needs this moment as well.

Louis looks surprised at him but doesn’t say anything when the curly haired boy disappears from the living room, only to come back a minute later with a small and brown box in his hands. Louis raises his eyebrows when sees holes made up on the box and curiosity takes over him.

“You need to thank me as well for that, Louis.” Fiona says laughing a bit.

Louis accepts the box when Harry hands it to him and the moment he touches it and feels it moving, feels a small weight inside of it, is the moment he smiles realising what the possibility of the present is. He even needs to sit back on the couch.

“Oh Harry, don’t tell me that…” he stops himself from finishing the sentence when opens the box and sees a small pink nose, long whiskers, fluffy white paws and pierced blue eyes peeking out.

“Remember when we talked about adopting a kitten? Well I thought about it and why not? Your mom allowed it and helped me a bit.” Harry says and oh… that beautiful dimply smile that makes Louis shivers is there. For him.

“So is it ours?”

“She’s ours.” Harry nods

Louis’ smile was impossible to be wilder than what it is but he manages to break that possibility. “I wanna hug you so badly again right now.” He says giggling and Harry laughs as well

“Come here then” Harry opens his arms and Louis puts the box with the kitten on the couch to run towards his best friend and hug him again. Maybe home is this. Maybe is nothing but two arms holding you tight when you’re at your worst and even at your best. Yeah home is definitely this and Louis feels like home whenever he is with Harry. So Harry is home then.

Carl and Fiona almost feel bad for witnessing this moment. This moment that should be only for the two boys. But it’s fine. Harry and Louis forget about their presence for a moment.

“Did I tell you already, that you two make me sick?” Zoe says and no one noticed her taking a piece of cake in a napkin and eating it along with Peter by her side with the cat in his lap “By the way this cake… not good, suggest everyone not to eat it.” she says giving another bite to the cake. The irony in her words make Louis feel relieved. So the cake is good.

“Smile for the picture boys!” Louis’ father says and both look right into the hole of the camera.

Or maybe only Harry does it. Louis is too busy looking in fond at his best friend.

~*~ 

“We didn’t give her a name.” Louis suddenly says looking at Harry petting the white little kitten – though it has a black spot just above her nose and another in one paw – in his lap. They’re already sat under the covers from Louis’ bed. The night is cold. Too cold. The duvet, blanket and sheets almost aren’t enough.

“How about… Kiara!” Harry suggests finally looking properly at Louis

“You really do like that movie.” Louis chuckles “But how about Daisy?” he smiles and it’s Harry’s time to laugh a bit

“Thought you didn’t like flowers.”

“I learnt to like it.” Like many other things you taught me to love, Louis thinks.

“Do you wanna be named daisy?” Harry asks her and Louis can’t believe the person he chose to be his best friend is asking a kitten if she wants to be named daisy. The kitten purrs into his soft touch behind her ears “She wants to be named Daisy” Harry smiles at Louis.

“All right then.” The blue eyed boy yawns speaking the words

“Let’s sleep shall we?” Harry suggests looking softly at Louis. He doesn’t even think it’s possible but the look Harry gives him is soft and gentle and makes Louis love him more and more. Because yeah, let’s face it, Louis loves Harry. He is his best friend after all. They’re special.

Louis nods and Harry places Daisy at the end of the bed, but in a place where he knows they won’t hurt her with their feet. Louis makes his pillow comfortable and lays down, taking the blankets with him. Harry does the same, turning off the light on the nightstand so now the full moon coming from the window is the only light illuminating the room. It’s enough for Louis to see Harry’s face in front of him.

They keep in silence and slowly, not even being award of their movements, by being so natural of them, they’re coming closer and closer to each other.

“Cold?” Louis whispers. And it’s in such a whisper that seems like the room was always in silence, after all. 

“A bit.”

“Come here.” Louis says and raises the blankets a bit, giving Harry the space he needs to snuggle in his chest. It’s the first time they do it and maybe that’s why Harry hesitates a bit. But even then he rests his forehead in Louis’ chest, his arms wrapping around Harry’s body and Louis’ nose brushing in his hair. It smells like Harry. It smells good. “Love you.” Another whisper that sounds like Louis has never spoke

“Love you too.” Harry raises his head to look properly at Louis and not to breathe properly.

“Be with me always, yeah?”

Louis nods “Be with me always?”

Harry nods “Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Promise.” Harry finishes and kisses Louis’ jaw just to sink his face, this time, in his neck and fall asleep warm and loved.

~*~

A month later, after school started, Louis talks with Harry telling him the news.

Caroline. From his group of friends.

Yeah…

She’s his girlfriend.

 


	11. It wouldn't be fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me just apologize if this chapter isn't that good. I feel like it doesn't sound right but I couldn't manage to make it better now, so yeah. Sorry but hope it's still fine
> 
> Music:
> 
> High Hopes by Kodaline

“I can’t believe she did this!” Louis protests right in the time Harry opens the front door from his house for Louis. He lets the boy in, stepping to the side and opening the door further.

Louis messaged Harry to ask him if he could stop by his house because he was pissed and needed someone to talk to. Harry was surprised with the message since Louis, this past two days, have only called him at the end of the day to tell him the goodnights. Seemed like he was too busy… but well Harry was as well. And his parents have been out only when he’s at school, so it kinda sucks and makes a bit hard for them to be together.

“Well, hello for you as well. Yes I missed you too Louis, don’t worry the sadness was mutual.” Harry jokes looking at his best friend walking in circles through the hall, sinking his fingers deep on his hair.

Harry has an idea about what happened.

“Yes, sorry Hazz.” He walks towards Harry, who is still holding the door opened, and kisses his cheek quickly “You good?”

Harry nods and finally shuts the door. “Tell me, what happened this time?”

 Louis sighs and his annoyance can be understood by it. He sits at the end of the big stairs from Harry’s house and rests his elbows on his knees, while his hands are still on his hair. “The same. I’m so pissed at her like, fuck, she can’t see me around other girls but of course, when she’s with Ian or even with other guys from her class I can’t say a thing.” Harry sits on the floor, his back rested on the door, listening. He’s close enough from Louis. “I don’t want to be jealous of Ian because you know how good we get along but come on! Then she goes talk to Camila when we fight like this, who talks with Mickey so then yeah, basically our group gets slipped up because of shit.”

 “So you two are mad at each other, again? God Louis, you are only dating for two months and you already came to me six times because you fought.” And that’s the times when they talk the most. Because it’s been harder and harder for them to be together. Or it’s because Louis is with Caroline or because his parents are at home or because Harry needs to study for real and with Louis the result is the two of laid down on the floor talking or watching a movie.

 “It’s her fault you know? This time is definitely her fault because I wanted to spend some time with her after school and she told me she couldn’t. Why? Because she was going to meet with Preston in the library. What the fuck, why didn’t she ask me that? It’s me who is her boyfriend, isn’t it?”

 “Well Lou, you aren’t the most indicate person to study with.” Harry’s point precisely.

 “Oh well thanks Harry!”

 “Sorry. But you two will solve things, I’m sure.” He says and Louis doesn’t notice the way Harry’s voice sounds. And that’s something he should. He’s failing at some things lately. But Harry is still okay. He is fine. Louis is still with him and still sends him cute message through the days and at the weekends he tries his best to spend time with his best friend. He tries.

“Yeah, but I’m getting sick. I mean I care a lot about her, obviously. And she’s supposed to act like my girlfriend but sometimes it doesn’t seem so. I just want a normal relationship, that’s all but it seems like I am the one who is interested in this here. I like her, you know? So this sucks.”

Harry nods looking at the wooden floor next to Louis’ feet. “So…” he doesn’t look away from that spot “did you tell her you love her already?”

“What?”  _you heard it_ , Harry thinks

“You do really love her then... did you tell her?

“Hum… I-I didn’t.” Harry frowns and looks at Louis now. 

“Maybe that’s what she wants to hear. Maybe that’s what you two need.” He says against his will. But Harry believes in his own words.

“But, I don’t… I don’t know if I can tell her that.” Louis says and Harry gives him a questionable look “I don’t know if I do really love her, you see? I like her a lot, but love her? It’s weird and I don’t know…”

The thing is. Louis loves Harry and that’s one thing. Louis loves Harry and has this extra care for him. Then there’s his girlfriend. He cares for Caroline. Not like he cares for Harry. But like a boyfriend should care. Probably. And he likes her. God, Louis really likes her. But in a girlfriend way. Maybe. So saying to Harry  _I love you_ and then saying to Caroline  _I love you_ would have two different meanings and it wouldn’t be fair for Harry. And for Caroline. But more for Harry.

Louis thinks this way and it sure doesn't make sense.

“Oh. Okay then.” 

“This sounds awful because she’s my girlfriend and I don’t know if it is right or-“ 

“No. I mean, I don’t know. But I think it’s fine. You like her don’t you?” Harry knows he does “So keep caring.” 

“All right.” They make silence for some minutes “Mind if I stay a bit?” Louis breaks it then. 

“Not at all.” Harry says and it’s probably the first time he smiles properly at Louis in this two days. “C’mon, Barbara was making smoothie.” He stands up and pushes his curls out from his forehead. Louis wanted to do it himself for Harry, but he keeps passing his fingers through his own hair. It’s straight, not curly like Harry’s so Louis doesn’t like it. 

“Barbara was in the kitchen and you didn’t tell me to keep quiet while making this whole scandal?” 

“I’m sure she’s used to it by now.” Harry chuckles and Louis shakes his head, biting his lip to control his laugh. 

~*~ 

Louis couldn’t remember when the last time he was like this with Harry was. Just like the old times. Well, the old times were two months ago. But Louis feels guilty and stupid because what the hell is going on with him? But he’s spending less time with Harry and it’s not only because they’re both too busy, tired and because Harry’s parents are at home. No, it’s because Louis  _doesn’t want to_. 

Well it’s not like he  _doesn’t want to,_ he wants to because… because it’s Harry who we are talking about! But it just happens that now he has got this girlfriend and new friends and god, he didn’t want to, he didn’t want this to happen. He doesn’t know how this happened. And he probably doesn’t realise what is happening… 

“I have a game this Saturday!” Louis tells Harry, eating the last cookie from the plate on the floor, next to them – they do really like to sit on the floor. Harry doesn’t notice, but he will. And he will hit Louis because they agreed that last one was for him. 

“It’s been a while…” Louis looks confused at Harry “I mean, it’s been a while since you don’t tell me to go to one of your games.” 

“Oh. But that’s because since the last time I asked you to come there was none.” 

“Right.” Harry says and he is not actually looking at Louis. They’ve been all right this past hour. Laughing, talking and listening to music. Those usual things they do together that make them feel who they are. But Harry has those seconds when he just blacks out for a bit. He acts weirdly. And maybe it’s because is just mere seconds – please let be this option – but Louis doesn’t notice. 

This time he might notice the tone of the green eyed boy “Wha-Harry? It’s true though.” He raises his eyebrow and looks properly at his best friend “You know I’d tell you if there was any.” He would. He definitely would. 

“All right.” Harry nods looking at Louis. 

“So can you go? Same hour as the others.” 

“I’ll try.” Harry answers and Louis gives him a small smile. 

“Okay.” He doesn’t make him promising. Harry will make it look like as if it’s okay.  

“Lou…” Harry says looking from the plate at Louis’ face “My. Cookie.” 

Louis’ blue eyes open widely looking at Harry. The face is comic but Harry makes the most serious face possible and tries not to laugh. This is serious. 

“Wasn’t me.” he says too quickly. His voice says innocent but he has  _guilty_ written on his forehead.

“Daisy is not here. You have no one to blame.” Harry shakes his head and Louis’ expression makes it harder and harder for him not to laugh his ass off there. 

“Well…” Louis starts and in the moment he sees Harry’s furious – but not so furious more like cute – face he tries his best to stand up to run away from the curly beast. Although, Harry knew. Harry knows his moves, so he’s quicker to reach the fabric from his shirt, from his back and pulling him back on the floor. 

He hits his bum on the floor, quiet hardly and lets out a whimper. Harry takes advantage of his state to jump into his lap and start tickling him. Low blow. That’s Louis’ weakness – aside from Harry’s eyes; he doesn’t know that weakness yet and Louis will make his best to keep it a secret. 

“NO!” Louis cries out and he is laughing. He is. But he only wants to cry because, no, he can’t handle it. Even when Harry is giggling, fucking giggling like a small child. And that’s cute. Almost to the point of all of this being worthy. It’s just, Louis doesn’t like being tickled. “No, please, please, stop!” 

“You ate my cookie.” Harry laughs. His body’s weight on Louis’ thighs, his hands all over Louis’ torso and he doesn’t know what is better. The sounds Louis is doing, saying  _I want you to stop but at the same time I want you to keep doing it,_ or the crinkles in the corner of his eyes, by being closed and already with small, tiny, tears threatening to fall but at the end, they won’t. 

“I will–I will puke and gi-give it to you.” Harry laughs harder while making a disgusted noise. Louis isn’t making any effort to pull away the boy but he really does want him to stop the tickles. But it just. It’s good. And weird. 

“No thank you.” Eventually he stops but is still laughing “That’d be so disgusting!” 

“Are you even putting the option?” Louis jokes, laughing as well. One hand above his belly – hurting already from laughing – and the other on Harry’s hip. 

“You’re such an idiot.” Louis likes Harry’s voice. 

“Yeah… but you love me.” Louis says and is not in a joke tone. He is serious. 

They look at each other for some seconds. Just sharing smiles. Louis’ hand still placed on Harry’s hip and Harry warming up Louis. Inside and out. 

Louis wants to touch Harry’s cheek. The one he has a bruise – already yellow by being fading away, barely there – which he had done a couple of weeks ago. Because he’s too clumsily and when he told Louis he had slipped on the floor, because he had just come from the shower, and hit with his face on the door when tried to recover his balance, Louis laughed… a lot.

But instead, is Harry who raises his hand to brush Louis’ cheek. Caressing the soft skin – still no beard growing up – and then slides it down through his jaw stopping on his neck. He leans over to sink his face on the crook of Louis’ neck and places there a kiss on the bare skin “Yeah I do.” He whispers. Hot breathe making Louis shivering.

He pulls away but only to press another gentle kiss on Louis’ jaw, almost on his cheek. Louis likes the affection and it’s not natural from Harry for being like this. But he likes it. Loves it. And that’s what doesn’t want to make him tell his girlfriend those three words. Harry’s touches don’t make him feel like hers.

Louis doesn’t know how his hand got on Harry’s cheek. And Harry’s hand is placed on his shoulder and they are like this. Like this looking at each other. Louis’ back rested on Harry’s bed. Harry sat on his stretched legs. Faces so close that they can feel the other breathing. They’re alive. They’re okay.

“Harry…” Louis hears himself whispering. He doesn’t know why those words come out from his mouth, but Harry is smiling. That dimple is there, showing and saying hello just for Louis.

“Louis?” Harry’s deep voice is soft and was it already mention how much Louis loves it? It’s low. But Louis hears it. He’s glad he hears it. It means he is there, with Harry and it’s just the two of them and even the small whisper can be heard. 

“I-“ Louis starts but is interrupted. He doesn’t even recognize himself when pulls away along with Harry’s touch. They let each other go but Harry keeps on his lap. Louis reaches his phone from the bed and sees the ID on the screen. “It’s Caroline.” He says not looking at Harry, just reading the message. 

“What-What is she saying?” if only Louis would hear Harry’s voice carefully… 

“She wants us to talk.” 

“Oh. Now?” 

“Yes, now.” He says now looking at Harry. Louis’ look is still guilty, trying to apologize at Harry for it but it’s still not his best. “Is better if I go… she never really gave this first step. It’s always me taking the initiative to solve things.” 

“Of course!” Harry nods “Go ahead.” He smiles at Louis and starts standing up from Louis’ lap. 

“Sorry!” 

“C’mon Louis. No need to apologize you know?” Harry chuckles and that kinda assures Louis. “Good luck.” He finishes and Louis is already up as well 

“All right, thank you.” Louis smiles. 

“Tell me how it went then.” Louis nods and gives Harry a quick kiss on his forehead and heads to the door. 

Harry doesn’t walk with him to the front door. He wouldn’t follow him. Louis is running downstairs anyway. 

~*~

The rest of the week is… intense. If that’s the word it should be used. But Louis is fine. He is completely fine. He shouldn’t be because since Monday, the day he went to Harry’s because of Caroline, he hadn’t seen his best friend. But he’s still fine. 

Neither had they talked much. So yeah, Louis shouldn’t be fine.

Of course he tells Harry about how it went with Caroline in the same day, at night. But that’s it. On Thursday Harry gets worried and texts Louis asking him if he wants to come over because, yeah, he kinda misses him and they haven’t talked so let’s take advantage of his parents being at work.

_I’m with Caroline, babe. But we talk later, sorry. Love you.xx_

That’s Louis’ text for much unreal it might be. But Louis probably haven’t realised what he just typed and sent to Harry. He doesn’t see anything wrong with the text message.

So they don’t talk. They don’t and it comes Saturday, Louis’ game, and he sees people there to support him. He sees his parents, Zoe – which wow, that’s something new –, Peter, Mickey and Camila, Ian and Caroline. I mean his friends are there. His family are there. He smiles. He smiles and waves at them in the break. And then it hits him. Sooner or later it would have. The curly haired boy. That dimply smile and shouts and that one person who knows how to give him a proud look, isn’t there. Harry isn’t there. First game Harry doesn’t attend to and Louis feels… Louis feels empty. Mostly sad, but there’s something it misses inside of him.

The questions and possibilities he makes on his head about why, why on earth Harry didn’t appear, are forgotten when Caroline pulls him into a long kiss and his friends hug him, congratulating him at the end of the game. Because his team had won and the last score was his.

But then again. It missed that tight hug from Harry. Those sweet words he’d whisper to him, that kiss on his cheek while Harry’s soft fingertips would be brushing his cheek slightly, that everything… Louis is glad they didn’t lose because if that… if that he wouldn’t have Harry and only him knows how to cheer him up.

Yet, that is forgotten sooner or later.

~*~

“Why didn’t you show up?” Louis remembers to call Harry. Not on Saturday, because he was too  _busy._  But late at night on Friday. On Friday,  _what the hell_ …

“Hum, what?” Harry’s voice. God he missed it. He missed it, but he doesn’t think about it. He doesn’t feel like he has missed it.

“My game. You didn’t show up.” He says as simple as that.

“That was a long time ago.” Deep. Harry’s voice is deep. But cold. Soulless.

“Why?”

“My parents were at home. Didn’t manage to.” The fact that he can’t see Harry’s face makes it harder to hear his words. He doesn’t know why. But then again, if he wanted to see his face. If he wanted to talk to him, why didn’t he cross the road and knocked at the door sooner?

“Well, you could have messaged me or something.” Louis says and he’s walking in circles around his room.

“Well you could have called sooner.” Harry is right. Of course. Stupid Louis.

“Why me? Why didn’t you call?” Silence. Harry doesn’t say anything and Louis can only listen to him breathing. “All right.”

“We haven’t talked all week. I tried to talk to you but you brushed me off.”

“I didn’t brush you off.” Louis defends himself. He answered Harry’s message. He was just with Caroline and couldn’t be with him in that moment. Yeah…

“Right.”

“Harry…” silence again. He doesn’t hear to the usual  _Louis?_ “Fuck. Okay, I’m sorry.” Silence “I know we haven’t talked much and that sucks. But you know it’s hard. You’re always studying and then there is your parents… my schedule is full with classes as well and then football and-“

“And Caroline.” Harry finishes for him “I know. You’re right. Sorry.” Louis knows why he feels like he doesn’t miss Harry’s voice. That’s because the one he is listening to doesn’t sound like his.

“Babe…” he finally sits on the edge of his bed, taking one hand to his hair. “Look, let’s meet tomorrow.” It doesn’t feel like three months ago they were laid down together, on Christmas Eve, whispering promises and I love you’s. “At the end of the day, after my practise all right? You can?” more like, are your parents with you?

“My parents are out since yesterday.” Harry admits, answering the question Louis wanted to make and damn. They could have been together all this time but they didn’t. “But… yes, okay.”

“Okay. Good.” Louis says and yes! He wants to see Harry. He sure misses him. He just needs to remember that.

“Good. Bye.”

“See you tomorrow.” Louis says before Harry hangs up.

~*~

Louis is out of the practise. And he is supposed to see Harry.  _Supposed._ The green eyed boy is surely waiting for him and Louis should have that little conscience, you know the voice in the back of your head who tells you things? It can help to remind you about stuff. Forgotten stuff. Important stuff. For example who your best friend is and how much you care for him. Or the,  _I will never put my new friends in the first place, that’s Harry’s special place._  And even remind about the  _I won’t leave you and nothing will change._   

But Louis seems not to have that voice. Or he probably just lost control and is not acting like himself. Maybe he shouldn’t have started smoking. Less cigarettes will be.

But no. No. Caroline and his other three friends came picking him up. Because Mickey, for what it seems, is old enough for having a car. Since when does he have a car anyway? Louis is losing control. Wait, Mickey has a car. Mickey is on the tenth grade. God Harry was way smarter than this bunch of kids he’s been getting along with.

But he is blind. And he doesn’t know where they are taking him. But he couldn’t say no to them. They came picking him up and Caroline is on his lap kissing him, opened mouth kisses and Louis is liking it. Running his fingers through her long ginger hair and curvy waist. So he enjoys it a bit.

When the car stops he sees that they’re in a bar. It’s 9pm and he doesn’t see himself going there. But then again. I repeat, then again, he can’t say no to his friends. His mother won’t know anyway, she thinks he is at Harry’s like he told her. Right. Harry.

_I’ll be a bit late. Maybe thirteen minutes? Wait for me.xx_

He sends the message and is forced to put his phone on his pocket when his girlfriend takes his hands on hers. He gets a reply from Harry. But he doesn’t check it. Neither the hours. He doesn’t check the time and it seems to run slowly. Slowly. Too slowly. But he is okay. He feels happy, a bit of a headache but he is fine.

It’s only midnight and he has another message waiting to be read for a while now but it’s fine. He is so fine. And Harry is as well. Waiting for Louis. Yeah he is, Louis thinks.

He is so fine that he hears “I love you” Being whispered at his ear. Hmm… It’s not Harry’s voice. He notices that it’s not Harry’s voice when some lips are crashed against his.

Well he’s thankful because that makes it impossible for him to answer. And well he is fucked. And he is not fine. Not at all. He wonders if Harry is as well. But that’s forgotten between kisses and skin being brushed against him, cigarettes between his parted lips – smoking less, yeah right – and something going down his throat that hurts a bit. And where is he again?


	12. You were alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:
> 
> One - Ed Sheeran (his songs always fit so well in fanfics)
> 
> The Last Time - Taylor Swift ft Gary Lightbody (this is so sad)

Louis is drunk, again. Mostly drunk, but he probably have smoked some kind of drug that made him a bit funny and having some kind of hallucinations but he can't quite remember. So he might be only drunk. Pissed, drunk.

Since that night he went with his  _friends_ to that bar and let Harry waiting all night for him that he lost himself. He lost control over everything. It's not—like, it's normal in his age, he thinks. It's definitely the age, he is growing up, he's sixteen, he's trying new things, he is just changing. In such a way that he can't believe it's already May, the school year is nearly ending and this was such a shitty year. I mean, here he is. Drunk. Almost failing the year. Losing himself in such a repugnant way that if a ten years old Louis would see this sixteen one, he would cry. Or shout at him. But probably cry, because how? How did he get here?

And where is Harry between all of this? Well that's the question Louis haven't been asking himself lately. He doesn't know. The worst thing might be that they talk, once in a while and when Louis apologised to Harry about that night,  _that_ night, Harry said  _It's okay, It's fine_ and smiled. He smiled and Louis didn't hear him screaming on the inside.

That started to become a habit so. Louis began to talk less and less to Harry but apologising every time, he apologised the times he had to leave Harry after what? Fifteen minutes of talking. He apologised for the times he couldn't managed to go meet him, he apologised for everything really. Once, even for breathing. But it's okay. It was okay for Harry, Louis thought, because the green eyed boy — is it really green the colour of his eyes? — always said so.

_It's okay. It's fine._

So Louis thinks he never lost contact with Harry. Of course you hadn't Louis, of course you hadn't...

His mother noticed it. Maybe not the whole thing about Louis' nights with his friends and his girlfriend. But she knew something was wrong, especially when Louis came back home, smelling like cigarette after coming from  _Harry's._ Yeah, he'd go to Harry, of course. And it wasn't hard for her to suspect because it's been almost three months that Harry hadn't come over. She only sees him walking in and out from his house and that's all. That's not enough.

So let's go back to the beginning.

Louis is drunk. Mostly drunk, but he probably have smoked some kind of drug that made him a bit funny and having some kind of hallucinations but he can't quite remember. So he might be only drunk. Pissed, drunk.

Pissed drunk in front of Harry's house. 

He is just looking around. Looking at that big house. He probably thinks it's his house but then "Harry!" he calls out. Not loud enough, although for him it sounds like an orchestra is playing near his ears. "Harrrry!" he's smiling. He probably doesn't realise it but he is. He is smiling with sad eyes.

How did he get here anyway? The last thing he remembers is being kissed roughly and Mickey — was it Mickey? — putting him in a car. 

He finally moves, stumbling and making his best to climb the small stairs — they never looked this big and he can't find something to support himself. 

He needs help. 

There's no one to help him. 

He knocks at the door — not hardly, he doesn't have strength for it — maybe asking for that help he needs. The help he wants but doesn't admit.

That help doesn't come. 

He starts crying. And now yes, he starts knocking hard at the door but doesn't ring the bell. "Open the door!" He cries out. "Open it..." voice going lower. "Harry... open." It's hardly a whisper. For him, still loud enough. He needs to lean his head over the door and waits. Tears still streaming down.

Suddenly he feels hotter. It's almost impossible to feel as hot as he is feeling even if it's a warm night. 

He shuts his eyes for a moment and that's the time enough for losing the light being turned on from the room upstairs and noises coming from the inside. It's Harry. It needs to be Harry and Louis isn't thinking, obviously, because if he had he'd be putting the option that it's going to be David opening the door and kicking Louis' ass.

But it's Harry.

He almost falls over when the door is opened so drastically, taking him by surprise. But he composes himself and besides his wet cheeks he looks proud. He tries to look proud and strong and like anything had happened. Like he is, in fact, okay.

"Harry!" He says with a grin on his face.

Harry's face is not from pure shook, Louis has sure, but he can't read it. He can't and oh, he used to be able to do it. He used to be the only person who could do it. Who could put a smile on that boy's face so Harry never, ever, had to give Louis the look he is giving him now. And that's probably the reason why he can't read his expression. 

Louis used to be a lot of things, used to say a lot of other things. Good things. Who is he now? Probably the question Harry is making himself.

"How have you been? 's been a while..." The words sound like they're being dragged out from Louis' mouth. It's hard for him to curl is tongue and make sounds. 

It was hard for him to feel and now he starts feeling and all it takes is seeing Harry's face. He's not looking good himself but then, he's probably looking better than Louis. Probably. There is no light, only the one from the lamps on the street so yeah, probably. 

Silence. Harry doesn't respond.

"Talk to me mate." Louis laughs. If it's for Harry to keep looking at Louis like he is — maybe scared, scared and sad — might be better if he just shuts the door. "Say. Something." Louis speaks slowly, leaning over so Harry can hear him better. Maybe he can't listen to him. Though, Louis doesn't step inside, neither step closer from the younger boy. Still has some good sense then. "I came here because I missed you... missed you like tones. Like a huge massive feeling of missing you" He opens his arms widely to make his point clear. "Would look good if you said something" 

Louis has a déjà vu, even drunk he has a déjà vu and it's not good. He cringes with it. It seems like he is back having seven, almost eight, when he met Harry and the boy didn't speak.

"Aren't you sweating with that sweater? It's hot." Louis comments noticing Harry wearing a sweater with long sleeves. Looking at him makes Louis feel even hotter. But yeah, maybe it's just his state playing him a prank because it can be this warm.

Though Harry keeps not saying a word to him.

"Do you want me to go pick you a flower? So you start talking?" Louis is not joking. His tone might sound like he is mocking all the situation, but he isn't. He is serious and just... he is sad. He was happy just minutes ago before coming to Harry's house, but now he is sad.

"What are you doing Louis?"

"Oh but you speak." Louis throws his arms up in the air. He should paid attention to Harry's voice. The one he said he loved. "What am I doing? Harry, I'm living. I'm here see, I'm alive." He laughs "I'm just doing that." Harry drowns into silence once again and Louis might feel mad. Not full mad. But still mad. "Can you fucking speak to me?"

He sees Harry shaking his head "Not with you—with you in this state. I'm not going to waste words with you like this." Harry sounds like he is crying, yet, Louis doesn't notice.

"You just wasted Harry." He laughs but tries his best to keep serious. But then sees Harry was being serious "Harry!" He says firmly and how? How is he managing to keep so much time stood up like this "Harry..." His voice comes softer and he finally reaches the curly haired boy. He pulls Harry closer to him by his forearm, to catch even more his attention.

But Harry whimpers. He whimpers, maybe from pain and flinches with the touch. If it wasn't this dark Louis would see him shutting his eyes tightly and his face literally expressing suffering.

Louis lets him go right away because... did he hurt him? He doesn't have control of himself so he doesn't know if he grabbed the boy tightly.

"I'm sorry." Louis says "I'm so sorry." And he starts crying again. And he probably isn't apologising for hurting Harry. I mean, no. He is apologiding for  _hurting_  Harry, for being a completely dick with the person he loves, with his best friend, the person he made so many promises and that at the end, he ended up breaking one of the most important ones. He doesn't hate himself yet. But he will, because he left Harry.

He feels sick for a moment, but he won't throw up. At least, not yet. So he just keeps crying, harder and with no control. He doesn't catch Harry's reaction, in a moment he almost thinks he is alone in the middle of the road.

Alone.

"I left you. You were alone." He says, tearing himself apart. He just wants to listen to Harry's sweet voice. But it never comes.

He doesn't hear anything, almost doesn't feel. Only feels what is on the inside and it hurts. He doesn't feel Harry's hands on his wrists bringing him inside. The change of temperature isn't much but he has one hand covering his face, ashamed of what he might look like when crying like this.

He feels dizzy and he doesn't know how he is walking upstairs, already inside the house. He isn't really walking with his own feet, Harry is making most of the job supporting the drunk boy and helping him. Louis doesn't hear his whimpers as well.

He feels like the floor would be the best place for him but he doesn't know how he gets to the bathroom. And this time he feels. He feels, soft fingertips touching his forehead, pulling his hair away from his face and the other hand on his back and he is leaned over on the toilet, in his knees already throwing up.

It's nothing beautiful to see but Louis can feel now. He feels the tears streaming down his face, the hurt on his throat, the pain on his chest. He can also hear. He hears shocking sounds from him throwing up, he hears his own sobs... 

That's all.

~*~ 

Louis feels like his head is going to explode, his mouth and throat are dry and he barely can open his eyes but when he does he feels like they're burning and he just wishes he hadn't waken up. The room is not really illuminated but he feels like it has too much light. He stinks and is still wearing the same clothes from last night.

He hears himself groaning while trying to lift himself up from the sheets, supporting his weight by his elbow on a pillow. He looks around and is relived for being in a familiar room. Too familiar. His mouth tastes awful and at the moment, drinking water would be like being in heaven.

And oh. He spots a glass of water above the nightstand and drags it between his lips and drinks it in three gulps. When he puts it back to the place he took, he sees Harry. He doesn't know how his attention was dragged to the curly haired boy in that precisely moment, but he's thankful it did. Because now he is sober. He is sober and it's so good to see Harry's face.

Harry is sat on the floor — for changing — next to his window that goes to the balcony. The light from outside hits him right in the face, making it easier for Louis to see him. He's with his legs crossed, Louis can't see his face, since Harry is looking outside by a small space between the white curtains, but he can see the mess his curls are and how baggy that sweater suits him.

"H-Harry?" Louis hears himself and he doesn't know, he has no conscience about how much time he stayed looking at the curly haired boy.

Harry doesn't turn his attention to the boy in his bed. He takes some time and before he slowly turns his head at Louis, he seems to clean his face on the sleeve from his shirt.

Now Louis sees his face. The lack of sleep is obvious, his puffy eyes make Louis heart jump out of his chest. He is confused. He doesn't know quite well how he got here, how he is with Harry and how... how did he let this happen? How is it possible for him, being months without talking with his sunshine?

 "What-"

"Are you okay?" Harry interrupts him and Louis frowns. How is he asking him this? Should be Louis asking him that question. That stupid question with an obvious answer. 

"I-" Louis doesn't know how to answer. He doesn't know the answer so he stops himself from saying  _I feel like shit_ so he just shrugs as an answer.

Harry nods, almost as if Louis has given to him a proper answer. "Okay. Just go home, then." Harry's voice cracks and wow, it sounds tired and dead. 

"What?" 

"Go home, Louis." 

He can't go home. He won't go home. Harry needs to forgive him, they need to go back to what they were. It's not right, they aren't together and it's not right. Louis needs him and now he sees how much Harry needs him as well.  

"I-What?" he repeats and his voice sounds awful. His throat hurts from talking but he needs to speak even if it's just mere words to make Harry talk to him as well and just... god, just talk. "No. Harry, what happened?" Harry frowns and Louis sees his hurt expression, the pain in his eyes. "Please, just..." 

Harry shakes his head but neither of them dares to move from their position "I can't." Harry whispers "Go home. I don't want you here." Hearing this makes that feeling of Louis' heart being squeezed on his chest coming back and no. No, it's awful and Louis wants to make it stop. 

"I'm sorry, Harry. I'm so sorry. Babe, please... I don't want you alone. I don't want to leave you alone." 

 _I left you. You were alone_  

Last night is blurry but Louis feels ashamed and now yes, now it's the time, he hates himself. He hates himself for everything and he can't stand feeling his own skin, listening to himself breathing, he just wants to disappear because Harry was the only person who mattered. Louis was the only person who cared and he left Harry in such a cruel way...

And even though... even though last night Harry took care of him. He remembers hands squeezing his shoulders, brushing his back, fingertips on his forehead, fingers pushing his hair back and stroking them. He passed out in Harry's arms just in time not to listen the whimpers and sobs from the younger boy, just to be laid down on a warm bed with cold sheets. 

"But you just left. You left." Harry honesty makes Louis wanting to scratch his skin to bleed, punishing himself. But he doesn't do that. "And one thing that I've learnt was... Being alone never felt right. Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right." He says in his deep and croaky voice. And oh...  _Louis, Louis_. Louis made him say that. And Louis hates himself and he wants to pull the boy to his chest and say sorry but no. He doesn't do that mainly because that won't help. That won't solve anything. 

He's running straight in a tunnel but he doesn't see the light. He's stuck there but can't stop running with hopes that he'll see that light to the outside. Then it'll be all right. However it doesn't come, the darkness is his friend. 

"No, Harry..." 

"It's fine. It's fine Louis." Louis heard that too many times. Those words came out from Harry too many times. Those lies. 

"It's not." Louis says desperately and he moved. He already moved and is sat on the bed, ready to stand up and go towards Harry. 

Harry shakes his head. "Just go." 

Louis stands up and Harry looks away, again at the window. That makes Louis stop and not to walk towards him, because that's Harry's way to build a big wall between the two of them. Harry doesn't really want Louis near him. 

"I can't leave." 

"Oh, but that's the thing. You can." 

~*~

Louis spends the whole day in his bed himself questions. It involves Harry and his new  _him_. The answers he got till now were:  _I'm a complete dick. My head hurts. I hurt Harry. I shouldn't have started drinking and smoking. I need Harry._  

It's all useless and it makes him take his hands up to his head, pull his hair out and shout at his mind  _what did I do?_

He doesn't know why it takes him so long to look back and look at the present and see what he's doing. See how things are going and what he is doing wrong. It's pretty obvious. It was all this time. 

Louis wants to call Harry, he wants to call him and say  _I'm sorry for calling you this late but your voice is the only answer to my problems and right now I have so many._  

But that would be selfish because Harry probably has more problems than him. He certainly has and this time he doesn't have Louis. He has no one and that's breathe taking. Louis understands now what Harry thinks about people and why he doesn't let them in. Because he let Louis in. He allowed him to come into his small life and hold his delicate heart and he let it melt right in his hands. 

Louis hears a strong knock at the door and it might goes that way for some good amount of seconds. Right, he locked the door. 

"Louis?" He hears a feminine voice from the other side of the door and he's not ready to face people, especially Caroline. 

He wants to blame her for everything it happened between him and Harry but he can't because it's not her fault. Is his. 

"Louis? Your mother said you were here, can you open the door please?" He groans and no, he can't open the door. He can't even move from the bed "Are you still mad?" yes he is still mad. Mad and sad. "We need to talk." Louis needs to talk with Harry as well and you don't see him talking to him, do you? "Please?" 

Louis sights noisily and jumps out of the bed. His hair is still a bit wet by taking a shower and coming right to bed, not caring about wetting his pillow. He drags himself to the door and unlocks it. 

"What?" 

"So you're mad." She says stepping inside of his room without saying a word. There is no sight of a hangover in her face. "Look Louis what happened-" 

"I'm not mad." He says shutting the door and he wants to scream. He wants to talk loudly and he doesn't even care if that would make him and Caroline starting a fight because he doesn't care at this point. But he doesn't do that as well. Only because he has a massive headache and the fact that he was thinking so much previously, didn't help a bit. "At least not at you, I don't even know why I should be mad to be honest." 

She looks at him... relived? Yeah probably, but also surprised "Oh, so you don't remember?" 

"What? What Caroline?" he says in annoyance 

"Never mind." That's what Louis wants to hear at the moment "It was nothing so if you don't remember no need to create problems right?" She gives him a smile 

"Whatever." He shrugs and goes back to bed, resting his back against the headboard and with his legs stretched 

"You look so tense." She says and her voice changes. "That's no good for you..." She walks towards his bed to sit on his lap with her legs parted so she's sitting on his thighs. Her hands are intertwined around Louis' neck and her green eyes are on Louis'. Louis can only look behind her back because her eyes remind him of someone. "You need to relax love." She leans over and kisses his lips "And I can help you..." she whispers and that's Louis' cue to finally move, putting his hands above her waist. However it's not to go into the gentle move, it's to pull her away so her smirk fades away 

"I'm not going to have sex with you." He says too raspy. 

"Well then I'm sorry." She rolls her eyes "But can you please stop rejecting me like this?" 

"There's no gentle way to reject you." He says taking her away from his lap and she sighs 

"I'm trying to help."

"Well, you're not helping as you can see."

"There are other ways for you to relax..." 

"Like what? Getting drunk? Smoke pot? I don't want to be helped that way because it'll just make matters worse" he almost shouts, regretting by the pain it causes

"What is wrong with you? You were fine last night and now-" 

"What's wrong with me? I lost my best friend Caroline and I've just been doing shit lately"

"You have us and-" 

"No I don't. You and the others are nothing compared with Harry. You can't replace him." this time he really shouts and Caroline is already standing up from bed with her eyes looking at him widely 

"Well but you did replace him with us," She laughs wryly "because guess what? The shit you've been doing... you've been doing it with us and you seemed okay not caring about him" 

"Shut up and get out of here." He stands up from bed and points at his door. Caroline is mad but mostly regretted by what she said 

"Look, Louis..." 

"I don't wanna talk anymore so get out." 

"Fine. But don't expect me to come to you to tell sorry this time." She sighs and walks away shutting the door strongly which, ugh, makes Louis head feel like is going to explode right there.

He presses his eyes shut together and let's himself fall in bed. He wished he could fall asleep but it passes minutes till he realises that he is dreaming awake and the dreams he is having are just lost memories... 

He feels his bed moving on the side and sighs in frustration. He forgot to lock the door so when he opens his eyes he sees his mother sat next to him.

"Mom..." He starts and he's ready to tell her to leave and she might notice it, she knows it so she doesn't let him continue

"Don't even try Louis, you won't tell me to go away again." She says and it's not in a harsh tone, it's almost amused. But Louis is not in the mood for it. 

"I want to be alone." He rolls around so he's facing his back to Fiona. 

She sighs and she might be starting to feel too annoyed with his behaviour. "Listen Louis, I've been trying to avoid this conversation for two reasons. First, whatever you're feeling I know is because of your age and I don't want to make things worse and second, because somehow, I still trust you." Louis doesn't answer and tries his best not to listen her mother's words, but closing his eyes once again, doesn't make her stop. 

"I know you haven't talk much with Harry. Neither going to his house. I feel like if I don't punish you for being lying to me and doing... well, the things you've been doing makes me seem like a bad mother." Those words almost make Louis turn around, face her mother and properly talk to her because hell... she isn't a bad mother, it's him who's being the bad son. He always talked to her about what bothered him because she'd always have something good to tell him. But he has just been saying anything but lies. He didn't only hurt Harry but also disappointed his mother. "But the reality is, you punished yourself without realising it, son. It's sad but you did it. Because you know what you did, even if it is too late, you know. Louis, those new friends you made aren't good for you. That girlfriend bring you too much troubles. I don't want to force you not to hang out with them because it won't take anywhere. You should know what the best for you is because I won't be with you forever to tell you what's wrong and right, you know?" 

"You need to have responsibilities and that should have started now. But... you've been having bad grades and god Louis I don't even recognise you. And you know what I'm talking about, you know don't you?" Fiona waits for Louis to talk so there's silence in the room. Somehow Louis hums in response because he's listening to her and he's not with his eyes closed. He's looking at the white all and those words almost make him cry — if he hadn't cried so much last night he would have been crying right now. "And you know it's wrong Louis. I'm being honest, it makes me feel like I failed, I failed in being a mother and I never thought that would ever happened." Louis' heart stops when listens to his own mother's voice cracking and he knows she's trying to contain her own tears. It just makes him hate himself even more, especially because he can't even move.

"I'm sad about all of this not only for me, but for you and Harry. He's like a son to me and I remember when you two were little and I'd make you snacks so you stayed at the living room talking and that was all. You were always such a loud kid but with him you always kept so quiet, listening to him. It amazed me the fact that you preferred to be talking with him or taking long walks outside than hang out and just be... be who you are turning to right now. He was so good for you. You were so good for him. You promised me you were going to be there for him because we both knew you were the only good person in his life and look at you now Louis... Look how-" 

"Oh mom!" Louis interrupts her. And it's not the fact of him finally speaking that makes her eyes open wide. Is the fact that Louis moves to hug her and sob in her shoulder. He found he still has some tears and that just makes him shake. He feels miserable and the fact that even his mother can see how a piece of shit he's being makes him wake up for life. "I'm so sorry. I know, I know..." he can't finish his sentence and actually, he doesn't even need to because Fiona knows what he wants to say

"Oh baby." She caresses his hair while he wraps his arms around her waist "It's good that you know. Please... just be good to yourself." She whispers in his hair "Remember that you need to do what makes you happy and what you're doing now, who you are now, makes you feel miserable." She finishes and that's all Louis needs to hear. It's all he needs to hear to cry even more.

~*~ 

Louis wanted to go to Harry's right in the moment he calmed his tears and his mother finally left his room. But he didn't go. Harry wouldn't want to see him anyway, just that morning he had told him that he didn't want to see him. He didn't want Louis. So he needed to give him space and needed space for himself as well, to think. But this time he found the answers he was looking for. He just needed time. 

So it passes Sunday and on Monday he goes to school like nothing have happeohasrslike Caroline and the other act like nothing have happened as well. He isn't mostly there but no one seems to care. Caroline would if she didn't know how Louis would reject her help right away. 

So it goes Tuesday and it's on Wednesday, late at night, that he decides to react. To finally move because he had thought too much already and he had all the answers. Even the ones he didn't need. So he watches himself walking downstairs from his room to his front door and the warmth from the night hits his bare arms. 

He has been attentive so he saw Harry's parents going out yesterday and they haven't come back yet. Everything goes so quickly that the moment he wakes up from his trance he is already at Harry's front door. He knocks and knocks and rings the bell but nothing. No one opens the door for him. So Barbara isn't here and Harry is sleeping, or doesn't really want to see anyone so he keeps ignoring the sounds.

Louis feels like he's between four walls and they're moving, they're moving and are going to crush him. He doesn't know why this feeling appears so suddenly but he knows it's bad and god, how he wished he could be holding Harry in a cold bed with warm sheets right now. 

He knocks once again and he has a flashback from the night he started to knock and crying for Harry to open the door for him. He won't do that now he knows it'd be in vain. Harry is in the house, he's sure of it. At first he thinks about sitting down on the floor and just wait for some miracle to happen and maybe, just maybe Harry will walk to him and open the door. Forgive him even. It won't happen, so he can't just sit and wait. He made shit, he cleans it up. 

He walks back to the mail box and tries his best to fit his hand inside till he feels the piece of iron he is looking for at the side. He used it so many times by now, he remembers to once, at 2am coming to Harry's because he simply couldn't sleep, so he took the key, opened the door and walked to his room. Quietly, like a rat so his parents wouldn't notice his presence. Those were the good times and he misses it so damn much. 

He climbs the stairs and returns to the front door. He doesn't hesitate in opening the door and walking inside. He does it in silence, like those times he used to sneak out to Harry's room, carefully not to wake up the house. 

He gulps when starts walking upstairs till he sees the door from Harry's room. Is not closed it is semi-opened but he can only see the dark. He walks in and the little light coming from the moon, by the window can tell him that the room is empty. The bed is unmade and half of the drawers from the room are opened. Louis frowns with the view and he still knows Harry is in the house. He needs to. 

Till... till he sees, under the door from Harry's bathroom, the light on. And his heart starts to beat faster and faster and he can't tell the reason why. Maybe is just the fact that he needs to make his best to have his best friend back. He needs to have his Harry back. 

He's even afraid of opening the door but what makes him sure that is okay to move on is when he listen to sobs echoing from there. Harry is there and he is crying. 

He twists the knob and that's when he sees Harry. 

Louis gasps with what he sees. Harry is there. He is there, but at the same time is like he is not. He's curled up next to the toilet, in the corner and Louis hardly can notice his face. He's only focusing on the blood he sees in the sink, goes to the floor and is in Harry. 

Harry's sleeves are full of blood and Louis is shocked, gasping from air with the vision of Harry holding a razor and already with his wrist covered in cuts, bleeding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just say, that self harm is not the answer and if any of you are going into that please talk to someone because what you're doing is not helping even though you think the otherwise. Depression is serious and you can't handle it by yourself, believe me i know, so you can't get through it by cutting.
> 
> you're beautiful and i love you <3


	13. Swollen skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is going to turn eight when meets Harry. He’s younger than him and he doesn’t talk much.
> 
> “But you can talk to me as much as you want, you know?”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> And that’s when the story begins
> 
> or… Harry is too young to live without Louis and they make a lot of promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: 
> 
> Heart of stone by IKO 
> 
> How to save a life by The Fray 
> 
> Fix You - Coldplay 
> 
> Human - Christina Perri
> 
> Creep by Scott Hoying and Caitlin Notey 
> 
> a lot, i know, but it fits really well on the chapter, is good if you listen to them while reading ^-^

Harry's sleeves are full of blood and Louis is shocked, gasping from air with the vision of Harry holding a razor and already with his wrist covered in cuts, bleeding. 

Louis is out of his body, he can't ratiocinate properly about what is happening right now. But right in the time he sees Harry like that he moves. He moves besides being in shock. It happens all too quickly, the bathroom seems to be darker than it really is and it's all blurry — probably because of the tears that are covering his eyes and streaming down his face without his permission.

Louis grabs the towels he can and drops in knees besides Harry. He throws away the razorblade, which is still in Harry's hands and presses the towels in his wrists. Harry is crying uncontrollably and Louis needs to shut his eyes tightly to control himself so he doesn't have a break down right there, because Harry is looking at him. He can see the panic the boy is passing through.

It's almost impossible to understand the words the younger boy is saying. Louis only catches  _"Louis" and"I'm sorry"_ repeatedly and then  _"I wasn't trying to kill myself"._ Louis knows he wasn't. The cuts weren't cut vertically but they are too deep and he can't form words in his head to make acts, because he needs to do something else, speak even. He can't just be there trying to stop the blood and cry looking at his best friend.

"Oh Harry... Harry why..." Are the first words Louis speaks and he can't recognise his own voice. He is scared, he can't believe what is happening. What he is feeling isn't half of what he felt when Harry fell on the lake.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so-sorry, Louis..." Harry is literally in panic and Louis asks himself if the boy is in pain due the force he is doing in his wrists with the towel — now half of the white fabric is replaced with red due the blood.

"We need to get you to the hospital" he manages to say

"No." Harry screams, cheeks and eyes wet with all the tears he is letting out. "No, no, no... please L-Louis... No." he breaks into sobs and it's when he finally looks away from Louis "I'll be fine. No please... I'm fine. Louis I will be-" He doesn't finish his sentence when starts crying harder.

His cries echo through the bathroom and right now, his cries and Louis' heavy breathe, are the only sounds able to be heard. Harry is still sat on the same spot, arm stretched with both Louis' hands pressing the towel around his wrists. Louis doesn't care about the blood dirtying his own clothes, he keeps in knees next to Harry, trying to clean his own tears by turning his head once in a while towards his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry Louis... I'm so sorry, I didn't want—I didn't want you to-" he stops again, but this time it's not because he starts crying even more, no. He even stops a bit by the shock.

Louis lets go his wrist and wraps his arms around Harry, taking him to his chest, almost to his lap. He keeps one arm intertwined around Harry's tummy and the other around his shoulders, touching his hair. He caresses Harry's curls and allows the boy to cry on his shoulder. This time is almost soundless since the sounds are muffled by Louis' shirt. But he knows Harry is still crying when he feels the hot breathe and the wetness hitting his shoulder and neck.

Louis bites his bottom lip to control his tears because no, he needs to be stronger for Harry, he needs to start breathing properly to do something useful. He doesn't see Harry pressing the towel around his own wrist, with his fingers when he takes Harry's head towards him, placing a kiss on Harry's temple.

"It's okay." His voice comes out as a whisper and muffled as well by Harry's hair, but the curly boy hears him "I'm here now. I'm gonna take care of you. I'm so sorry Harry," he continues, his tears wetting now Harry's brown hair. He pushes Harry even closer and tighter to him and keeps balancing his body as if he had a baby in his arms. Harry is the baby in this situation "So sorry that I left you. I love you, I'm here. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." he keeps whispering the same words repeatedly but he probably doesn't realise when those same words leave his lips because he just wants to make his point clear, he wants to ink them on Harry's skin to remind him every time he feels down.

Louis knows that would be very useful the last months when he left Harry. He admits it, he left Harry, he knows it. And he hates himself, he can't forgive himself for all of this. Harry reached his limit point and it was mostly because of Louis. Louis broke his promise and left.

Somehow they fall into silence while Harry tries to control his breathing and Louis stops crying. They're still in the same position, Louis holding Harry while smelling the natural perfume from the older boy.

The image of Harry in the corner, crying and covered in blood is going to torment Louis and he still can't believe what happened. What is happening. He doesn't even dare to think about how long Harry is been cutting himself, how long Harry is feeling like giving up and what would have happened to him if Louis didn't decide to move and solve things this night. It all takes him to dark places he doesn't want to reach.

"Harry..." Louis whispers, his voice rough, almost tired. "Harry baby... we need to—I need to take care of you." Louis, even with his husky voice, can speak softly which is unbelievable and Harry is grateful, oh, so grateful. He sniffs and moves only to bury his face deeper on Louis' chest. "We need to stand up from the floor, all right?" Louis asks and everyone could tell that he had been crying.

"No..." Harry whispers and his voice sounds worse than Louis'. "No I don't want to..."

Louis sighs, sadly sighs. "I need to... Harry, show me." Louis says starting to pull away from Harry but the green eyed boy — whose eyes now are probably more red and swollen than anything — keeps his face hidden, afraid of Louis seeing him. Literally.

"No." Harry repeats.

"Harry... Show me your wrist." He feels Harry shaking his head on his chest

"I don't want—I don't want you to see it." He sobs

"I need to."

"But... but why?"

"Because..." Louis starts stroking his hair and then rests his chin on top of Harry's head. He needs to shut his eyes tightly to prevent the tears coming again "Because I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn't there for you." He whispers. He even thinks Harry stops breathing for a couple of seconds.

Slowly — but really slowly — Harry starts raising his head, making Louis pulling away his chin as well. When he can finally see Harry's face — and this time he  _really_ sees — he raises his hand to rest it above Harry's cheek

"Harry..." He whispers caressing Harry's swollen cheek. He has a bruise right there in his cheekbone and it seems made at least yesterday and if Louis would pay even more attention he could see the fading one on his jaw.

Harry flinches with the touch and with that pulls away from Louis' fingers. Louis looks almost confused at him, because why would he pull away the touch? But more important, where did he get that bruise?

Louis' questions are pulled back when Harry, still looking away from Louis, shows Louis his wrists. Louis looks at Harry's profile for a moment before dropping his eyes to Harry's arm. Softly, Louis holds him by his arm and takes the towel from Harry's wrist, showing him the four fresh cuts — Louis was sure it looked like Harry had done more. The blood is nearly dry and now Louis can see how open the skin is and how deep they are. His eyes travel around the hurt skin. He can see faded cuts covering half of his forearm.

Carefully — but really carefully — Louis passes his fingertips through the scars, ignoring Harry's whimpers. It probably doesn't hurt him but Louis has a slightly idea about what he is feeling right now.

He wants to ask his best friend — yes his best friend —  _why,_  why did he start doing this? Why was he giving up? But instead, he drops Harry's delicate arm and stands up from the floor, bringing the towel with him. Harry looks at him confused, but Louis doesn't catch his expression by being leant over against the bathroom sink, wetting the tip from the towel that has no blood.

He goes back to Harry, and Harry feels the urge to touch Louis' soft skin and wipe his tears away — he doesn't do it anyway. He drops in knees, being in the previous position and takes Harry's arm on his hands, once again. He starts cleaning the cuts and even though Harry flinches with it, he lets Louis do it.

So it goes like this. Always in silence, Louis takes care of Harry's wounds. He is constantly standing up and sitting next to Harry to grab the things he needs and when he finds the bandage, he applies it around Harry's wrist gently. When he looks up to see the beautiful boy's face, Harry never looks back at him. Louis asks himself if he even took his eyes off from the white tile.

"C'mon Harry, let's take you to bed now." Louis finds a way to calm himself and talk normally.

When he tries to help Harry to stand up, the curly haired boy pulls away his touch, again. Louis looks hurt at him "No." Harry says again and why? Why is he doing this now, Louis asks himself. Because he is here. He is here now —  _now_ — so he wants to help him, he wants to be good for Harry. Because Harry doesn't deserve what Louis did to him, Harry doesn't deserve anything that he has been through. Harry doesn't deserve being hurt by himself.

"We can't be sat here forever. Let's go to your room."

"No. No, no, I'm staying here. I-I can't..." His voice is low and tired and Louis is just so worried that he is going to pass out.

"Harry, listen, we-"

"No Louis." Harry interrupts him and they finally enchase gazes. Harry's voice, this time, is louder than before "No, you don't need to..." he shakes his head and Louis has his heart on his sleeves. Louis knows Harry is kind of telling him to go away, but Louis won't go. Louis won't leave. Ever again.

"Harry..." he says after a minute of silence. He seriously doesn't know what to do and how to start the conversation he wants to have with Harry "Harry, why?" So he asks. He asks once again and he hopes he gets an answer this time. He follows the boy's move when Harry brushes his thumb above the bandage on his wrists. Louis notices that he is pressing his lips tightly against each other. "Harry," he tries again. He won't give up. "why did you do this? You know it's not... god why are you hurting yourself this way." Louis asks and the words almost come out in frustration.

"Why can't I?" Louis hears Harry's voice and green meet blue when Harry raises his head and keeps looking at Louis while talking this time "Why? Why can't I hurt myself when others do? I mean it's right for other people hurt me but it's not when I do it to my myself?" he would be probably shouting if he didn't feel this weak. "Everyone keeps hurting me Louis and when you have no one, there is no way you can handle it. I tried to convince myself whole this months that I didn't need someone... I didn't need you to hold myself together. But I failed it. I failed and things got dark for me. Darker because I can't..." he stops to take a deep breath and Louis is nearly in tears again and Harry can't keep himself together and Louis feels like giving up as well, but not in Harry, no. He will never give up on Harry, but give up on himself... maybe. Because he did this. He is the reason why Harry lost himself. The reason why Harry is fading away.

"I'm sorry..." Louis doesn't know how many times he already said it

"No you're not."

"Harry! You're my best friend-"

"I'm not,"

"You are. Fuck, I know... I can't believe I did this to you. I broke—I broke our promise and I feel like—I feel like I failed in life because... you are my life and I disappointed you. But, I'm here now and I know I should have been here always and not sometimes. I know it." he makes a pause but Harry doesn't take the opportunity to talk "listen, I want—fuck Harry just tell me why..." Louis knows it's a stupid question but he wants answers and he mostly wants to hear what Harry has to say, what he has on the inside and is being eaten by the darkness, creating all his bad thoughts. Harry needs to let himself fall over, run away from them and Louis will be outside to catch him.

Harry takes time. He takes time because he knows Louis is there now to listen to him. And he's concerned, Harry knows he is. But it's so hard, so hard. Louis gets it, so he waits.

"There is some voices Louis..." Harry looks at Louis. He looks at Louis and that's such an achievement because Louis knows he is going to talk, he always looks at Louis while he talks about things that really matter. Things that he wants Louis to understand and keep with him "Voices that keep telling me to do this, because I deserve it. I deserve all this pain. And then there is those images on my mind. All dark except the razor and the blood... I feel so alone. I'm so alone. And I do it and... and I said it was okay to you. I said it was all fine but it wasn't Louis. I missed you and you left me. You left. I didn't have you. And then I saw, I saw how much I actually needed you. So much that it was scary. But you wasn't there. I was left alone with all— all this monsters and they, they made me believe they were my friends." there is a pause and Louis needs to blink a few times to rehear Harry's words on his mind.

"I only had them to talk about my parents. They said that I should harm myself because just that way they'd stop fighting and shouting. I also talked to them about you, you know? They said you left because I deserved it, so I needed to harm myself. I made you leave." Louis shakes his head and he wants to tell him  _no,_ no they're wrong. But Harry doesn't allow him to. "And then... then there were those guys at school..." he looks away from Louis for some time before continuing "They started to hit me. I wanted to tell you the first time they did it, but they didn't mess with me anymore so I told you that lie about slipping. It was like they were waiting for you to leave for real because then they started to hit me really bad, till my arms got bruised from them grabbing me, my whole body ache and they didn't have mercy. I don't know why they started doing it. I think it was just to have some fun. Because it's funny to hit a quiet boy who doesn't have friends. Who is alone."

"I deserve all of this Louis because I made you leave, I made myself being like this. It's all my fault. Even my parents say so. Those guys hit me because of who I am. And I hate who I am so it's fine. But it doesn't matter, does it?" there is another pause and Louis is speechless. Harry is seriously bad and for a moment he remembers about what his mother said to him when he was younger. About Harry might needing serious help. She was right — as always — and Louis didn't believe her. He does now. Even if he wants to help Harry himself, he doesn't know if he can. This is serious. "It doesn't, Louis, right?" Louis knows Harry is about to cry once again by how his bottom lip is trembling and his eyes watering, and Louis can't allow it "It doesn't because I suck and no one wants me." Harry looks away from Louis "I wouldn't. Even I don't want me. I hate myself Louis, you should leave. I'm fucked up, I'm done... I'm tired I-"

"Harry..." he can't, he won't let Harry start crying again. He can't allow those monsters making Harry believe in the words he is saying. He will try to fix him. He needs to. "Harry, Harry," he takes the boy's hands in his and yes, he finally gets to touch him properly, brushing and drawing invisible circles on Harry's soft skin with his thumb. And it feels good because Louis should be there to do that to Harry when he'd feel down. He should be there to comfort him. "look at me baby," he lifts his chin so Harry's eyes are on him "I won't leave you. I'm here with you now and-"

"For how long?" Harry interrupts him — again — and his voice is already cracking

"Forever." Louis answers quickly, now with his both hands on Harry's "For as long as I can, as long as you want me to. I'll hold you as long as the stars are above you." Louis slips a small smile by how cheesy his words are but goes back to his serious expression "I don't know Harry, damn... I'm sorry you know? But I won't let you give up. I want you to see yourself like I see you, because you're so amazing Harry... don't you see? You deserve everything in the world and I'll be here to offer how much I can. I want to make you feel so fucking happy that you forget every bit of sad in you. And I know... I know I hurt you and made you feel this way and hell, I hate myself for this. I feel so bad you can't imagine and seeing you... Harry seeing you like this pains my heart because I love you so, so fucking much, you're my best friend."

"And I promise, I promise here Harry, I promise with all my strength, for my life, that I won't leave you ever again and I'll help you and be here for you like I was and like I always should have been." Louis says these words almost shouting to make everything clear "I don't know if you will trust me again but I beg you to. And please don't say those things about yourself ever again... you have me okay? And I want you, you matter to me and you belong here with me, remember?" Harry does "I'm gonna keep taking care of you. But you're right, you're kind of fucked up yes... but in a cool way. And you're full of the loudest secrets no one's ever heard but I am here to listen to them. And I am fucked up too, damn, I've been this last month drinking and smoking pot, basically doing shit, losing myself and hurting the people I care the most. So we can support each other. We can help each other."

Louis waits for Harry to speak, to say something, but he doesn't. Harry keeps staring at Louis, not saying a word and Louis doesn't know if that's a bad or good thing, he just knows the floor is too cold and it makes hurt his bum.

"Harry?" He calls the boy and decides to grab his wet cheeks to lean Harry closer to him, so their foreheads are touching and they're breathing in each other's lips. And Louis remembers, he remembers when he did this when Harry told him about his parents — Louis remembers everything, really; he just doesn't know if Harry does as well. "Hazz, you heard me? I'm gonna help you. I'm here now, okay? You see, I'm here, you feel me?" he caresses the boy's cheeks and Harry blinks twice and that's kind of a start. "I'll help you but... you need to let me help you. You need to let me in again. You need to collaborate in this because if not... if not I have to tell my mother about this because then she'll know how to help. And that probably involves a therapist and your parents being aware this."

Harry shakes his head furiously in Louis' hands and he opens his eyes widely. Louis knows if Harry's parents get to know about this he's fucked. Harry is fucked. Or he is fucked or his parents won't give a shit — like at the point of really despise his son — and Louis doesn't know which one is worst.

"So you'll need to stop. I'll help you. I'll try because I want you okay. You can't do this again Harry, you can't hurt yourself." Louis speaks slowly and softly, the softest he can so Harry doesn't feel uncomfortable. He's so nervous and Harry probably feels his hands shaking "That doesn't help, it just makes it worse. I don't want you to do that and those voices... they're not your friends. I am." Harry looks at Louis more carefully and gently. His gaze is angelical and Louis can appreciate the real colour of his eyes.

"You promise?" Harry doesn't say a word and Louis doesn't even mind if he's holding the boy's cheeks too tightly. It's in a gentle way, really. "Harry, I need you to promise." He says "you promise you won't cut again, you promise you'll talk to me instead?"

"I-I promise..." Harry whispers looking at Louis in the eyes "God, I promise Lou."

Louis needs to smile for real now, and he's so close to Harry that for a moment he even thinks about kissing his plump and pink lips like when they were younger. He doesn't know why that idea gets to his mind, maybe the fact that he is so happy to listen those words because they're important and he'll make everything so they go to be what they were. And he probably has his best friend back.

He leans over and places a kiss on the corner of Harry's lips instead and then in his cheek, kissing away those sad and salty tears. Then he pulls Harry into a hug again, by the back of his neck, and feels Harry breathing on the crook of his neck. And that's it. They're alive again. Louis is holding Harry and that's the right thing.

"I missed you." Louis whispers, not sure if the younger boy can listen to — probably yes because he feels Harry's lips being pressed on the bare skin of his neck, more likely as an answer.

So they stay like this for some seconds till Louis pulls away and tells Harry again to go to bed. This time Harry doesn't deny it, he nods and takes Louis' hand in his and both head back to the room. They lay don't on bed and Louis doesn't hesitate to pull Harry into his chest — their so familiar, comfy and welcome position.

"You meant it?" Harry asks after some seconds of them just listening to the sound of their breathing. The air in the room is quite heavy but they're still covered with a thin sheet. Louis' with his same clothes as well as Harry.

"I meant everything." Louis answers quietly even not knowing what Harry is referring specifically.

"So you do promise? Not leaving me?"

"Yes. I promise Harry."

"We'll be together then..." it's not a question and Harry says it snuggling into Louis' chest and taking one of his arms above Louis' body.

"We will." Louis chuckles smelling Harry's soft hair. He almost forgot how wonderful this feels.

"And I will beat the shit out of those guys at school." Louis says out of nowhere, also, after some minutes

"No, Louis, it will be worse." Harry raises his head to look up at Louis. Louis shakes his head and kisses Harry's nose ignoring his disapproval sound.

"No it won't. They're cowards Harry and I can't let them hurt you." Harry opens his mouth to protest but Louis doesn't allow him to "You'll tell me who they are and I'll go have a talk with them. If they don't stop, so you have to tell me if they mess with you again, we'll go to the police because what they do to you, it's a crime. It's bullying and it's... it's just so wrong Harry, I can't let this happen." He finishes. He'll even take Mickey and Ian with him if it's necessary. They have to be good to something. "Okay?"

Harry wants to protest about it, he really does, but it won't take him anywhere. So he nods. He nods and hopes everything will go well.

"Don't leave me, I love you so much." Louis listens to Harry and he's sure he's not supposed to hear that because Harry whispers really quietly and his voice is sleepy, his eyes are closed and he's warm against Louis' chest, but Louis hears and smiles and kisses his hair... he just can't imagine he let this precious boy go from his arms, because he's so important and he almost, he almost forgot how everything between the two started and all of their important promises and secrets.

Harry is just everything to him and he needs him in his life as much as Harry needs him "I love you too. I'll help you baby, I will." So he whispers back, probably also not with the intention of Harry listening to him, but he does. And raises his head to smile at Louis — it takes him so much effort to open his eyes again, but he does it anyway, only for the pretty boy named Louis — and Louis smiles back and joins their foreheads and maybe, just maybe they only really fall asleep an hour later — close, so close that is almost impossible to breathe — due the fact of being whispering sweet nothings at each other and just talking... because yeah, that's how they're. They always have something to talk about.

Louis wakes up the next day, with Harry wrapped in his arms and he missed the first — and probably the second — class. So did Harry. But he doesn't care. He gets up, carefully not to wake up the gorgeous boy named Harry, and changes his bloody shirt into a clean one from Harry's. And he does the same with Harry. Throwing away the hot sweater — which made the curly boy sweating while sleeping — and he whispers a thank you when Harry doesn't wake up even after Louis leaving him shirtless with the sheets covering his soft and tiny body.

Then Louis makes a mental note to change Harry's bandage because he's sure the cuts opened. Afterwards he goes to the bathroom and cleans up all the mess and all the bad episode from there, and he doesn't only clean the blood, but also the tears from last night. He makes sure to throw away the razor Harry used, that awful, ironed thing... and he makes sure that Harry has nothing similar to that in his room.

 

After all that time Harry is still sleeping and Louis bets it's the most and best he slept in weeks so he leaves him, only to go downstairs and prepare a good breakfast as if the house was his. So comfy and familiar and that's good. That's wonderful. And Harry wished he could wake up every morning with Louis' lips pressed on him. Soft pecks on his shoulder and neck, cheeks and nose, forehead and hands — not even giving time to himself to ask why he is shirtless because he just starts giggling — and with Louis' voice marking I love you's in his swollen skin which soon, soon will be cured because his soul will be cleaned and feel loved again. 


	14. Does it feel good?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist 
> 
> Your call by Second Serenade 
> 
> Wherever You Will go cover by Charlene Soraia

Harry proved to Louis that the promises they make are still important to him. And well, Louis proved to Harry the same. He didn't leave the younger boy, he couldn't... not after everything and Harry, Harry was his sunshine, always was, so leaving him was the stupidest thing Louis had ever done in his short life. It made him learn a bit, growing up even. And that's what life is made of. Mistakes and Louis learnt his lesson.

This past month, for the two boys, was made of rebuilding their friendship and helping each other. Because both needed it, both need each other. It's almost as if they only are okay when they're breathing the same exact air, when they're listenint to each other's voice whispering sweet words and saying that _it's all okay_ and _I love you._ That is what Harry and Louis' happiness is made of. Moments when both support each other and can say that they have their other half next to them.

So cheesy.

But both are okay with it. With the fact that they're sappy and like to cuddle and to embrace the happiness the other has to offer. Harry knows that it's only like that, that he is going to be able to feel good with himself, he's too young to live without Louis. Too broken.

So when Harry appears at Louis' house, his mother hugs him but says nothing to Louis. Just smiles, because she is proud. She doesn't say it to Louis, but he feels it. He knows she is. After all Fiona loves Harry almost as much as she loves Louis, and Harry feels it too and that's what keeps him alive. Knowing that there are still people in his little world who are there for him. Who, for them, he matters and think he belongs there, with them.

Then it comes the day that Louis has eventually to beat the shit out of Harry's bullies because Harry comes to him with a bruised arm and an opened lip. He swore he could just kill them when he sees Harry that way. So he takes Ian and Mickey with him — since, wow, Mickey can creep out half of the population of their village — and it is easier for them to scare them. Those guys are three years younger than Mickey and he has  _the_  talk with them. For a moment Louis thinks, yeah Mickey can be a pretty good guy when he wants to. Because Louis is really glad that he had Mickey and Ian to help him because he is sure that if it was only him doing it, he wouldn't make them leave Harry alone.

So it's been a good month. Of course Louis doesn't ignore his  _new_ friends and his  _girlfriend._ He spends times with them. Just a little less than he used to because he has Harry. He always had but he let him go for a little bit. And he needs to be with Harry now more than ever. He  _needs._

"So I have got a thing to tell you." Louis says. He's laid down horizontally on Harry's bed, his whole body on the mattress, legs stretched on the wall so only his head his out of the mattress. He feels the blood running to his head but he doesn't mind. He thinks that this is the best position not to feel that hot. Because he certainly would be sweating if he wasn't feeling the fan blowing on his face and if he wasn't shirtless. Harry doesn't understand how he can be like this, because in Harry's mind, it's not  _that_  hot.

"Yeah?" Harry looks at him, taking his eyes off from his laptop. He has his own fan, so he is sat on the floor with his back pressed on the cold wall.

"Since you came up with that school's conversation," Louis starts. Harry started talking with Louis about how nervous he was for going to high school and Louis though he was going to cry because he was talking about his parents wanting to put him in a different school from Louis. but then he said he'd feel out by being with Louis while he was with his  _friends._ And that's such a hard subject to talk about between the two, because Louis, this time, saw the way Harry's face changed when he talked about Louis' friends and his voice when he talked about Caroline. He never met them even — only Mickey, but it was only that day at the mall. "I think it's a good time to tell you this."

"You're making me worried." Harry puts his laptop on the floor, next to him and gives all his attention to his best friend

"Oh but this is a good thing. I mean..." he makes a pause to make a face "yeah it is." He laughs and keeps on his same position.

"You're weird." Harry chuckles shaking his head

"I know but listen, the thing is, hum, I might... I mean I am going to fail the year." Harry's eyes open widely and he looks at Louis as if he had just heard the most absurd thing ever

"You what? But... You—I thought you were-"

"Smart?" Louis laughs and his head is starting to hurt by his position but he feels comfortable as he is "Yeah, like this year sucked Harry... you know it. And I spent it playing around and not caring about this."

"I didn't know about you... taking bad grades." Harry says and there is a moment when both feel the guilt.

"Yeah but I basically failed at everything. I just—it's not like I am dumb, I just didn't care and didn't study and yeah, it was pretty much it. I was playing around and not taking it serious."

"Those study sessions we had kinda helped you, hum?"

"Yeah, even if I was half of it looking at the air, they kinda did." Louis shares a small smile at Harry and Harry laughs by watching it upside down. "So, what are you going to choose to study this year?" He asks and Harry shrugs

"I don't know Lou, I don't know what I am going to do with my life to be honest."

"You've got nothing in mind?"

"I have, like, hopes?" Louis would nod if he wasn't in the position he is "Like being a photographer, because it's amazing the things we can capture with a camera. Or a writer because words keep me breathing sometimes, it's wonderful the things we can express on a paper. And even a psychologist." He laughs a bit "Ironic, I know. But I would love to help people with their problems, listen to them. Because maybe most of them would be... would be like me. You see?"

Louis is smiling because listening to Harry saying things like this, expressing himself with such brightness in his eyes is something he always enjoys "Yeah I see babe. That's amazing you know? You should make those hopes come true. You can do all of that, Harry" Harry shrugs but with a smile on his lips

"But my parents probably want me to become a doctor. I mean, this if they care about it or not, which till now I still don't understand."

"That should be your decision, not theirs."

"You know it's not that easy," Harry says and Louis understands "What about you?" Harry asks not going further into the matter

"I wanted to be an actor." He says in his most dramatic voice making Harry laugh again. Such a beautiful sound "Don't laugh, you know I'm good at that."

"You sure are." Harry says and even being laughing Louis knows he is being serious

"But you see, I don't think I can make it. I don't think I will make it."

"Don't say that," Harry interrupts "you should make those hopes come true." Harry smirks and Louis chuckles by hearing his own words on the other boy's lips

"Yeah but it's still hard. It's not like I will find a job and become a good actor."

"Well you need to work for that Lou. Don't expect it coming by being laid down there like you are now." Louis rolls his eyes by Harry's mocking tone of voice. "But seriously if you try, you won't regret not trying."

"Wow Harry, deep." Louis jokes

"Thank you!" Harry laughs "But, what? Are you thinking about changing and take arts this year?"

"I don't know..." Louis sighs "I think I don't know what to do with my life either." He makes a pause "But... we could take the same course and then we would be on the same class. Wouldn't that be great?"

"Louis... we can't make our choice according to the other, you know?" Harry says and Louis finds cute when he speaks this seriously, looking older than fifteen but at the same time he prefers not to deal with it so Louis just laughs and Harry sighs, leaving a small smile escaping his lips.

"We still have time to talk about it then..." Louis says and breaks the gaze between them, only because his eyes were already in pain and his neck aching by the effort he was putting on. He looks at the ceiling and enjoys the wind the fan is giving to him.

Sure it would be great to be with Harry in the same class. They could study together, now properly, he could protect the boy because this time he'd be with him literally all the time. Louis smiles with the thought of being with Harry that amount of time. It probably would make somebody else getting tired of the other person, but Louis knows it's not the case for them.

They keep the silence for some minutes till is interrupted by Louis' phone. He takes it and opens the message while Harry looks up at him and he knows what's going to happen next.

"It's Caroline, she' saying to meet up with her and the others." Louis informs but his voice doesn't sound like the other times he'd tell that to Harry.

"Oh. All right, it's okay you can-"

"I'm not." Louis interrupts Harry "I'm not going."

Harry looks a bit surprise, though he shouldn't because it's not the first time he does it. However the other times it was only Mickey or Ian sending him a message, not  _Caroline._ "You're not..."

"Nope, I'm staying with you curly!" Louis smiles and Harry doesn't even realise he is smiling back. Louis goes back to his previous position after putting his phone on silence mode. He's sure he hears Harry whispering a  _thank you_.

"I'm thirsty, gonna get some water." He hears Harry after some couple of minutes

"All right love, bring to me as well. Yesterday, I put a bottle on the fridge, bring me that one please."

"Only because you said please because I'm not your damn servant." Louis laughs with the comment and Harry disappears from the room and Louis knows, even not seeing the boy's face that he's smiling.

Summer Holidays only started now and Louis already feels this hot. He doesn't remember the weather being like this last year, in every year, really. So he bets this summer is going to be a lot hotter. Or it's only a phase from England and next week there won't be any signal of the sun.

He thinks they never had such a brilliant idea as bringing Louis' fan to Harry's so he has his and Harry another one. It's actually stupid but this way Harry can be on the floor and Louis in bed, which are their favourite places to be. Strange kids.

Louis already hears Harry's presence in the hall, coming back. He usually takes more time when needs to bring stuff from the kitchen. Sometimes Louis thinks that he could go to his house, take a shower and come back in that period of time. Harry assures him that he doesn't take that long and Louis only likes to exaggerate things. But no, Harry does take that long.

"I'm not sure which bottle is yours and which is mine," Harry says walking in "but I think that won't—" in the moment Harry stops talking, is the moment Louis stops feeling the needed fresh breeze coming from the fan and hears a strong noise — along with Harry's squeal.

"Bloody hell, Harry!" Louis shouts and is already sat on the mattress from the bed, shaking his head by looking at Harry with both his hands pressed against his desk — if not he would be on the floor with the two bottles of water. Louis' fan is on the floor as well — and the annoying but welcome sound that it would make is no longer audible and that's something to worry about, for Louis — and its wires are tangled on Harry's ankles.

"I tripped on these things," he says looking down at his feet. It'd be cute the way Harry is talking and pouting but Louis is already feeling the heat of the bedroom. It's like hell. Almost literally.

"I hope you didn't break that thing, you dork!" he says standing up from the bed and walking towards the  _accident_.

"Of course you're not worried about me, of course." Harry says in a joking tone and rolling his eyes

"You're okay," Louis scoffs and stops himself from smiling. He bends down and tries to turn on and off the fan after putting the power plug back on the wall socket. It doesn't work "It's fucking broken I can't believe this."

"Oops?" Harry shrugs chuckling. It's all a game for him and he's winning because he has his fan and Louis doesn't.

"Oh you think this is funny? Well, you're going to give me your fan, because I'm sweating already."

"What? No way!"

"It was your fault that mine is broken so now it's fair if I take yours." Louis smirks "I don't want to die in here, it's freaking hot."

Harry takes some time to open his mouth again, before, he smirks as well and Louis frowns "Well... If the problem is that," Harry says and Louis can't ratiocinate why he is grabbing Louis' bottle from the floor and walking closer to him. And he's so slow to understand it that when he's going to move away, Harry has already the bottle opened and has said "hope this helps you" and is pouring the water on Louis.

"What the fuck, is freaking cold." Louis yells, he is literally soaking, his hair is dropping water and it doesn't help that he is shirtless and feeling the cold — icy — water on his warm body. Of course Harry is laughing and Louis' face doesn't help him to control his laughter. "I hate you."

"No you don't," Harry laughs louder "I made you a favour."

"Oh you did?" Louis smirks and that only makes Harry laugh even more, not caring about the face the other boy is making that just says  _there will be revenge,_ because his face is all wet and it's almost ridiculous how he looks like. "All right, I'm going to be kind as well then." Louis says and quickly grabs the other bottle from the floor.

But Harry knew, somehow he was expecting it so when Louis has the bottle in hands and ready to open it he takes the older boy's wrists in his hands to stop him "Oh no you won't," he says and they're both smiling at each other widely, besides Louis trying to release himself from his best friend's hands and holding the bottle tightly on his hand

"Let me go," Louis shouts and he is laughing apart from everything, they look like they're fighting by the way Louis moves his arms so Harry can let go his wrists . Harry needs to get closer from him to hold Louis' tightly. For a moment Louis gets mad at him only because he is already taller than him, so his forehead reaches Harry's nose. So not fair, he looks tiny.

"I'm stronger than you, you're tiny."  _Tiny_

"Oh no you didn't." Louis plays offended — in reality he kind of is, but it's Harry so — and opens his hand so the bottle falls on the floor and then he moves his legs to turn Harry around, so now his feet are on the small puddle of water that they made. Louis takes his foot to Harry's ankle, trying to make him fall, however there's no need of that because Harry slips on the water and when Louis lets him go he hits with his bum on the floor shouting  _Louis_ as a protest and then groaning in pain "Oh, I'm good!" Louis says triumphantly and cockily, ready to turn around and leave Harry on the floor.

But he is easily on the floor as well when Harry grabs one of ankles and makes him fall. So now they're both sat on the floor, bum aching and this time is Harry's turn to smirk while Louis grimaces "Oh, I'm good!" Harry mocks and Louis rolls his eyes

"I think I sprained my ankle," Louis says rubbing in circles the spot that hurts him

"Well I can't feel my bum and I'm all wet as well now."

"Poor boy." Louis shakes his head in annoyance. But he's not mad, couldn't be.

"Stop being mean." Harry pushes Louis' shoulder making him almost fall backwards

"It was your fault!" Louis pushes him back

"You put me on the floor." This time he pushes Louis with both his hands and by the way they're talking someone would say that they are really arguing

"You broke my fan" Louis mimics Harry's moves

"Stop!" Harry bites his bottom lip when sinks his fingers on Louis' shoulders, tighter this time and pushes him on the floor, letting himself fall on top of the older boy on purpose.

Louis lets out another groan by hitting with his back on the floor — although it's cold so it's kind of welcome even if he's still soaked. "You stop hurting me!"

"Shut up Lou," Harry chuckles this time and presses his bum on Louis' crotch, leaves his fingers pressed on Louis' collarbones and his legs parted next to his thighs — it's a familiar position, really. "You're annoying me."

"Oh I'm annoying you? Don't forget that I'm fucking dripping water because of you."

"It was refreshing" Harry laughs, but it's not a loud laugh and Louis finds himself enjoying the sound more than he should.

Harry passes his fingers through Louis' bare chest, feeling the soft and wet skin on his fingertips. Louis watches his face and how it has changed. It's not amused and his dimples aren't showing. His expression is attentive, curious even but still soft. Harry's touch is also soft, bringing shivers through Louis' spine. "Does it feel good?" Harry asks when Louis lets out a sigh. Louis can't understand the meaning of his own sight, but it was pleasant.

"Wh-What?" Louis asks and he doesn't remember when they started to talk almost in a whisper

"Does it feel good when she touches you?" Harry's voice is so penetrative, so breath-taking and it makes Louis' heart race, especially with the other boy's choice of words.

When Louis is about to say something — probably another _what,_ because what is he talking about? — Harry breaks those five seconds of tense silence, the ones that were almost taking Louis away to the darkness and he can't even understand why. 

"Does it feel good when she passes her hands through your body," Harry's hands don't leave Louis' bare skin. So soft, tanned and beautiful. It could turn out to be an addiction touching Louis so Harry is not surprised if Caroline got it.

"Do you like when she whispers to you sweet things?" Harry says these words leaning forward to whisper them into Louis' ear and Louis can feel their chests going up and down heavily in synchrony. His voice is still craving Louis veins and touching on his deepest bones "When she spends hours playing with your soft hair...?" Louis needs to shut his eyes when feels Harry's fingers passing through his wet hair and when he sinks them on the small locks from his nape.

And Harry keeps holding Louis' hair from the back of his neck when pulls away from Louis' sweet skin and looks deep, deep into Louis' eyes. That's when Louis starts feeling hotter and hotter because it feels like Harry is trying to get into Louis' body just by the way he is looking at him. But Harry is not done, he is not done even if the room keeps quiet for what it seems minutes.

"Do you like craving her," Harry's lips seem to get closer and closer from Louis "whispering back soft  _I love you's_  when she," Harry leans forward again but this time he's looking at Louis' lips and Louis is looking at his back and asking himself how his own colour would look like matched together with Harry's pink ones "when she kisses you, Lou?" Harry's words hit Louis' lips and they're so close, so close that Louis is almost sure that Harry is going to kiss him and he's panicking. And he will still be in panic if that happens. It's not right.

But Harry doesn't move a little bit forward — it's that what takes their lips to touch — he keeps looking at Louis' lips and Louis can smell Harry's natural perfume and can still feel his hands on his hair and the other on his hips, drawing invisible circles. And it's so intimate, so comfy and warm.

Louis is so hypnotised with the moment that forgets about all those questions Harry made him — even if it's not supposed to him to answer. But he wants to.

"I never," Louis starts and even being this close it almost seems that Harry can't hear his words by how quietly he is speaking, how husky his voice sounds by the effect all of this is having on him. "I never said her that I loved her." Louis confesses and that's enough for Harry to move his eyes from his lips to his eyes, in shock — somehow Louis can find relief as well — but doesn't pull away so Louis doesn't know if he's sweating or if it's still the water from the previous bottle Harry poured on him.  

"You never-"

"I don't love her," Louis admits and wow he never said this out loud and it makes him feel filthy and guilty. "I love you and I just—I just like her."

Harry  _needs_ to pull away this time by what he just heard "What are you saying?" His accent is strong and he bows his brow.

"Wouldn't be fair saying I love you to her when I say the same to you. It has different meanings and even after she said it to me I couldn't find the courage to tell her."

"Lou..." Louis just wished he could read Harry's mind and know what he thinks about all of this. If he is okay with it or if he just feels like Louis sucks and is being selfish.

"It's not—it's not right, but can you understand me?" Louis says and he doesn't know why he feels like saying sorry to Harry. He doesn't say, but his gaze seems to do what his lips can't.

Harry doesn't answer with words, he nods. He nods and leans forward again, sinking his face between Louis' neck and collarbone and placing a soft kiss on the wet skin there. Louis finds himself resting his hand on Harry's curls and allowing himself to enjoy the gesture. It doesn't feel wrong.

~*~

It's in August, a week after Harry's birthday — when they had spent it on Louis' yard with his whole family and when Zoe had the brilliant idea to wet everyone with the hose and starting a fight — when Louis appears at Harry's house, using the spare key. They didn't see each other today, only yesterday, because Louis decided to spend time with Caroline instead. Harry didn't feel sad for it because since this holidays started that they've been spending their whole time together since it's the time when Harry's parents travel the most and Louis only met with his friends twice.

So Harry is in his room and the moment Louis steps in he can feel already like home. Harry's room smells like a mixture of the two boys, he has his window a bit open so the fresh air from the night makes a better ambient and he has the light from the night stand on. It's 11pm but Louis wasn't expecting Harry being sleeping.

Harry looks up when feels Louis' presence. He doesn't gets scared nor surprise to see Louis there, it's natural for Louis to appear like this once in a while. It's comfortable even. But this time is not like the old times and Harry puts his book on the side and gets up from his bed instantly when sees his best friend

"Lou?" he looks worried at his friend. Louis is not crying, he is not... but he has been. And he looks sad, really sad so when he walks towards Harry and wraps his arms around his body, Harry holds him and keeps in silence for a while so the older boy can just let it out silently and trying to compose himself.


	15. Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Arms by Christina Perri
> 
> Your Call by Secondhand Serenade
> 
> Thinking Out Louis by Ed Sheeran (I've been listening to a playlist on 8tracks with all of his new songs and holy shit , this guy is god for me) (and this song fits so well in Louis and Harry relationship in this book awe)

"Lou?" he looks worried at his friend. Louis is not crying, he is not... but he has been. And he looks sad, really sad so when he walks towards Harry and wraps his arms around his body, Harry holds him and keeps in silence for a while so the older boy can just let it out silently and trying to compose himself.

Louis holds Harry tightly and Harry probably doesn't know but is for him to hold his tears. Because he doesn't want to cry, especially because of this.

He feels Harry caressing his hair and he is so gentle, Harry is so gentle and warm and it's so good to be held by him. "Tell me what's wrong, babe." And oh his voice is so soft and tender and Louis loves when he calls him _babe_ because it's not usual and that's the magic about it. Louis feels like he's enjoying the waves from the ocean by being like this with Harry and listening to his voice.

"They are dicks Harry..." Louis says without pulling away and Harry doesn't ask  _who_  he waits till Louis continue, he knows he will. "They said they were my friends and then hurt me. Threw me away. Betrayed me." Louis' voice sounds broken but he won't cry. He won't.

Harry takes one hand from Louis' hair to drop it and hold Louis' hand instead. That makes Louis raise his head and look at his green eyes, especially when feels Harry brushing his thumb across its skin. "What did they to you?" Louis could cry now. Yeah now he would, only because concern is written upon Harry's eyes and it can be felt on his voice as well.

So Louis lowers his head and joins his lips tightly. He's a mess and feels broken for many reasons, many reasons really. But he also feels guilty and that's what is eating him on the inside. "Hey," Harry holds Louis' chin and makes his best friend look back at him and wow, wow Louis can't understand how Harry can be so tender and look at him this way, as if Louis was his world and making Louis be this close to him. Close to the point of both breathing the same air, being one so Louis won't ever be far away from Harry. Beautiful and sweet Harry. "Lou, babe, look at me and talk to me. I'm here, yeah?" Harry offers him a small smile and Louis doesn't know how glad Harry is for Louis having his eyes dry and not being crying. That just breaks his heart. Louis would understand.

Louis nods and he won't. He definitely won't cry. "Caroline cheated on me." He simply says. Voice sad but still soulless.

"Oh." Harry's lips part because no, he wasn't expecting this.  _This_... but it's not over yet and he feels anger right now. Anger because he already hated that girl — only Harry knows how much he dislikes her and even the others, the people who took his Louis away from him, from home — and now after knowing this he just feels like killing her. Literally. Though he won't do it. Only because he's a pussy and doesn't really want to go to jail at age sixteen.

"Yeah," Louis laughs dryly "with Ian." And this time Harry's eyes open widely because what? What the fuck is he listening to? "I saw them. Apparently this thing wasn't new. Everyone knew it. Except from me of course." He doesn't stop smirking and laughing wryly and that breaks Harry's heart because he knows Louis isn't okay with this and it's not even funny. "I broke up with her and she wasn't okay with it. Like, what did she expect me to do? To share? She acted like a bitch and then the others, Michael and Camila stood up for her. Because their excuse was,  _you've been so absent Louis._ " This time he  _really_ laughs because it's quite funny the way his  _so said friends_ said those words to him. Like it was his fault and the correct thing to do was this. "But this goes on since I... since that night I came here drunk. I saw them but I was too drunk to remember. So the shit about me not being present is just that... bullshit. I was so close to beat the shit out of Ian. Not because it was with  _him_ she was cheating me on, because otherwise I'd have to beat her as well... and the others but because he said nothing. He didn't speak up. It was frustrating being humiliated there and he was quiet as if what happened had nothing to do with him."

"Lou... I'm sorry they-"

"No, love... I don't care, you don't have to say anything." Louis voice softens, but only because he's speaking directly at Harry because it changes again "They're shitheads." He makes a pause "They had the balls to talk about you, like, as if they knew you." Harry frowns "They said that now I was always spending time with you and hardly ever talked with them, which you know it's not true. I wasn't with them, physically but I kept the contact. But they dared to say your name Harry. They didn't talk bad about you, but hell, I didn't like it. It was my limit because after all the shit I saw and heard I couldn't be there listening to them talking about you. They don't have that right."

"Lou..." Louis is glad Harry speaks like this, calming him down so he can lower his voice.

"I know, I know..."

"You're not fine with this." Harry steps closer to Louis and Louis just wants to hug him, keep him and not talk about anything.

"No, no I'm not. But it's not because Caroline, who apparently loved me, who apparently was my girlfriend and then cheated on me. To be honest I don't give a shit about it, I don't care if she's not my girlfriend anymore. It was pretty clear to me that  _us_  wasn't a thing for me. But I'm pissed, I'm angry because she and the others... they said they were my friends. Fuck, they said it, they were with me, we acted like it. We did stuff together. But they simply threw me away. And shit Harry I'm so sorry, so sorry because they took me away, they made me leave you. I left you because of them and now it happens this and it's just so, so fucking... so..." he groans, almost shouts because hell, he can't explain his frustration with words. It's so much, it's breaking his bones on the inside. He can barely breathe because he hurt Harry because of those people and now it all fell down.

"Lou... Oh god, Lou," Harry pulls Louis by his arm to his chest. He holds him again, that's all he has to offer Louis, he can only do that. He only wants to do that. "I'm here. You have me, they... they don't deserve you." Harry doesn't whisper, he talks loudly. The loudest Louis ever heard him but he doesn't care. His words hit his ears hard and makes him truly listen to them "You're so good. So good. I love you so much. And I've got you, I've got you, I won't hurt you. Forget them, please. Please forget everything. Be only with me Louis. My Louis. Please..." Louis holds Harry back but he's shocked because Harry never, never said these kind of things to him. This is something Louis would tell him but Harry is inking those words on his skin. Making him hear.  _Hear._ "I won't hurt you." He whispers this time. So the walls can't hear him and only Louis can.

"You promise?" Louis asks because is the only thing he can say. Damn, is the only thing Harry wants to hear.

"I promise. God Lou, I promise you. I'll promise you the world even. I'll promise you an always, I'll promise you us."

Louis smiles. He smiles and sighs happily "Yeah... I have you. I have you and that's enough. That's wonderful. I love you. Be mine yeah?"

Harry lifts Louis' chin so they're chest to chest and Louis head is raised looking up at Harry's smile. Harry's beautiful features. "I'm already yours." And Louis doesn't know the meaning of this but he's happy. He's glad he has Harry. His Harry, apparently. "I always was, you know?" Louis smiles back at him and this is so good. The way Harry keeps holding him. The way Harry caresses his cheekbones and places a soft and slow kiss on Louis' nose. So close. They're so close and Louis never felt this good.

"I'm yours as well then. All yours. Only you and I will be." Louis is sure he never saw Harry smiling this way. It's not like it's bigger than his previous smiles. It's not like his eyes shine brighter, it's just the way he looks at Louis and the meaning that he tries to pass him. 

"You and I will be." Harry repeats and chuckles this time. Louis sinks his face deeply on Harry's chest again and he enjoys Harry's natural smell. Because yeah, he's there. With Harry. He is alive. He always feels alive with him.

"Hey babe?" Louis breaks the silence after some seconds. But it's almost as if he didn't because his voice is so low that is almost impossible to hear "Can we... Can we just go take a bath together?" He asks and it's not a shock, the questions he makes. Well, kinda. But they had taken a shower together when they were younger and they already saw each other naked, a lot of times. They are comfortable enough with each other to the point of changing clothed in the same room. But this is kind of different. They are not kids anymore, so taking a bath together is... is just different and they'll be really close so it's not the same thing as being naked in the same room.

"You wanna take a bath?" Harry asks, a bit surprised. He looks down but the only thing he's faced with, is Louis' hair.

"Yeah. Yeah I want to. With you." He answers wrapping his arms tighter around Harry. Maybe afraid of how Harry will react because Louis feels like he's a bit tense.

"Oh. Erm, o-okay." But he answers this and Louis is a bit surprised as well and relief. Yes relief. He just wants to relax a bit now and forget everything, everything that is been bothering him. Not only today but these last months. About how he left Harry and about how those friends who took him away from his sunshine, apparently, weren't his friends. He wants to clean away all those things and being close to Harry. He wants to be as close to Harry as possible. He just needs to be taken care of. And Harry notices it, he notices how fragile Louis is feeling. "Okay, I'll take care of you, Lou."

There are always those four and a half months that he and Harry have the same age. So both of them have sixteen now and Louis doesn't know why, but he likes those months the most. It's exciting the fact that they've the same age for a while, like they had when they first met. It feels like it. Childhood, and Louis doesn't understand this. No one would, but the feeling is good. Especially because he says to himself that these are the months he lets Harry take care of him the most because it's not like he is older than him.

So Louis nods, still with his head rested upon Harry's chest but Harry pulls away and tangles their fingers together to head Louis to the bathroom from his room. And now Louis tries to pull away the image of Harry curled up against the same corner he's looking at right now, with blood on his wrists and fear in his eyes, because he can't stand it. He can't and he's literally so emotional right now that he's trembling.

"It's okay Lou. It's okay." He hears Harry behind him, pressing his chest against his back. Louis nods pressing his lips tightly because he won't cry for Harry's sake. But all the things that happened to him these last months are boiling inside of him and are burning him. Burning him and it hurts. Hurts so much.

And Harry notices everything and that's why he is Louis' best friend. He makes Louis sit on the toilet, after turning on the water from the bathtub and stands in his knees between his legs. He raises one hand to caress Louis' cheek and gives him a soft smile because Louis looks so pale and it's like Harry is looking at himself in the mirror. Louis looks broken and Harry needs to pick up the pisses and join them.

"Can I?" Harry asks then, with his hands on the end of Louis' shirt, his fingertips already touching Louis' soft skin from his hips. Louis nods and Harry helps him to take off his shirt. He does the same with his so they're both shirtless now.

This time Harry doesn't ask for Louis' permission to unbutton his jeans. He does it when Louis stands up from the seat. He's so carefully and Louis can't stop thinking about how gentle, really gentle Harry is being. And he feels comfortable. Both feel comfortable.

Harry stands up from the floor and does the same with his sweatpants. He chews the inside of his cheek when looks at Louis because he feels kind of trapped now. He doesn't know what he should do now. He certainly won't take off Louis' underwear for him. But then Louis looks back at him and smiles to assure him, before taking off his own boxers. That's Harry's cue to do the same and when he does it, he doesn't feel as uncomfortable as he thought he would. It's nothing new for them from now.

Harry checks the water and it's almost half full now. It's not hot nor cold, it's warm and he just hopes Louis likes the temperature like this. "Come here." Harry says in his sweet voice, raising his arm so Louis can hold his hand. He does it and they both get in the bathtub.

It's almost natural and Louis doesn't know how to feel about it but somehow, Harry ends up laying down and Louis lays between his parted legs with his back rested on his chest. It's not weird, he doesn't feel as weird as he should. He simply ignores Harry's small moan when Louis' skin brushes his lower part and the fact that yeah he is feeling it against his back.

So Harry gives Louis time to relax — and for himself to relax as well — till Louis doesn't feel tense anymore and is finally relaxed between Harry. His head his supported on Harry's shoulder and his hands on Harry's legs. The water is still running and they feel it on their feet and that's the only thing they hear and focus on for some seconds.

"Thank you." Louis whispers turning his head to the side to brush his nose on Harry's bare skin from his neck. He places a soft kiss between his collarbone and neck as they usually do and Harry smiles

"It's fine Lou." He whispers back. They're actually comfortable now. If the water is too cold their bodies warm each other up and it's just nice to feel each other this close. It's intimate. Yes, what they're sharing now is so intimate and it proves a lot. I mean, they need to have so much confidence, so much trust between each other to share this moment. Being both naked, really close, skin brushing skin, hearts beating fast together... it needs so much respect for each other. It's not everyone who is capable to do this with someone else. And Harry and Louis are and they feel warm and like home and familiar with the touch. With the love. The so welcome love.

Eventually, Harry moves to start splashing Louis' body with water. Is slow, it takes time because half of the water he takes in his hand slips out, but he still does it, not forgetting Louis' hair. Louis has his eyes closed because it's actually relaxing, especially when he feels Harry moving beneath him and putting shampoo on his hair, massaging with his fingertips in the right way.

Louis doesn't mind when Harry washes his arms and massages his back and neck with shower gel. He doesn't even mind when feels Harry's big hands on his chest, moving up and down and he doesn't even realise the sound it comes out from his mouth from pure pleasure. He never felt this relaxed and it was this what he needed to clear his mind for a bit. Silence and someone just being there for him. Taking care of him. And damn, does Louis wants to keep Harry forever with him? Yes, god yes.

Louis hands him the shower head and Harry takes it to clean him up. This time they aren't in silence, Louis giggles with the mess Harry is making and Harry laughs, laughs and smiles in fond at the same time. Also, he never imagined that it'd feel this good to touch Louis' hair, while he takes off the shampoo. How the lather slides from Louis' tanned skin from his chest and arms and how slides between their bodies, from Louis' back, which Harry can, he can and goes feel it with his own hands.

When Louis is all cleaned up, Harry tries his best to shut the tap water with his own foot since the bathtub is full enough, which ends up with them almost slipping over, making both laugh. "You're so clumsily." Louis whispers, still with his eyes shut and then returns on resting his head on Harry's chest. It's a shame he can't look at Harry's beautiful smile. The special smile which has  _Louis_  written upon his lips.

Louis sighs by how good he feels now and how much he loves Harry. God, he loves Harry so much that no one would blame him for not telling his own girlfriend  _I love you_ since the reason was Harry. Everyone would understand.

Harry's hands are rested on the edge of the bathtub, respectively, so Louis' takes the one that is on the outside, the side opposite of the wall, to interlace their fingers together and bringing it to his chest. He plays with their fingers as if he was a child playing with a toy but he knows Harry is enjoying the gesture when kisses his wet hair from behind.

Then he goes to his wrists and passes his fingers through the damaged skin, his scars. Harry doesn't tense up but he doesn't particularly like when Louis decides to touch his wrists, especially when he knows Louis' intensions and thoughts are. Especially when Louis  _feels_  his weakness, his dark side. Although being natural, since Louis didn't allow Harry to feel ashamed of it and told Harry that it was okay if he was showing his wrists around him, so he didn't need to wear long sleeves shirts and bracelets, Louis still feels the knot on his throat by feeling the scars on his fingertips and remembering the whole episode. Knowing that Harry was suffering and was losing himself.

"I'm proud of you." Louis says "You managed to actually stop it," He keeps brushing Harry's faded and almost faded scars. Louis knows that for Harry, stopping cutting wouldn't be easy and he never, he never expected Harry to keep their promise and he would understand. But Harry doesn't cut since Louis told him to stop it and he's so proud and so glad that he managed to help his best friend.

"Lou..." Harry whispers, sinking his face on Louis' hair. He doesn't really like to talk about this but Louis knows it's good for him to hear this kind of things.

"No Harry, I'm so proud of you. You managed to do it, you managed to fight back."

Harry places a kiss on Louis' shoulder, lips forming a kiss "Thank you."

"You did this all yourself, love."

Harry pulls back from Louis' shoulder, only to put his hands on both Louis' cheeks, caressing them, making the blue eyed boy looking up at him so the crown of his head is now pressed on Harry's chest. This makes Louis slide down a bit more so Harry can hover his head on top of his. "I love you."

Louis looks carefully at Harry as if he is just taking the time to appreciate his green eyes and that's the way he knows Harry just let him in. In his life. And that's scary. The scariest part about letting someone in is that they can take one look inside of you and never come back. But Louis took one look and another and another and he decided to stay and look forever into Harry's eyes because Harry is so worth it and Harry deserves it.

"I love you." He answers back and he's sure that Harry's chin is almost touching his nose and he doesn't know why he likes to be this close from Harry.

Louis takes his hands to Harry's half dry hair, tangling his fingers in a lovable gesture. And Harry is looking at him so seriously, studying his features so carefully. Studying the colour of his skin while wet and with the light hitting him, studying his lips, studying everything that is beautiful on Louis and even what is not, his flaws.

"Harry..." Louis finds himself whispering sweetly between them, calling, literally calling from him. Harry feels the hot breathe on his lips contrasting with the cold and maybe that's why he leans over. He leans over and catches Louis' lips in his.

So yeah, they're kissing upside down and Harry doesn't know what to do so he just keeps there, brushing their lips for some seconds. And Louis doesn't move as well by how he is feeling for having his best friend's lips touching his. Oh, Louis didn't feel those lips since he tasted them when he was practising  _Grease_ with Harry, when he needed to practise the kiss scene. However he still remembered how they felt. And how they felt when they gave their first kiss.

They never did more than a simple peck. Louis only stole Harry two innocent kisses — and joined their lips when Harry had the accident on the lake but that doesn't count, right? But this time is different. They don't have a reason to do it and it was Harry who leaned forward.

But for the first time, Harry moves. He moves and he takes Louis' upper lip between his. And Louis responds immediately. So it goes like this, Harry moving his lips slowly and it's clumsily, even Louis knowing how to kiss properly. But he's kissing upside down and god, he's kissing Harry. He's fucking kissing Harry. And Harry doesn't really know what he is doing, he is not specifically a good kisser but he still moves them.

Simply brushes them or takes Louis' lips in his and Louis cooperates. Damn, they don't know what they're doing just that is relaxing and Louis likes the way Harry's soft and plump lips caress his. It's such a wonderful sensation. And Harry is so gentle, so fucking gentle, he even keeps brushing Louis' skin from his cheeks with his fingertips and Louis makes sure to keep his hand tangled on Harry's curls. Both have their eyes shut, eyelashes with small drops of water slightly touching their cheekbones.

"Harry... Wait." Louis interrupts the moment but his voice is so tender that is almost as if they were still kissing by the way it hits Harry's ears. So he pulls away from Louis, just a bit so they're still close, so close and say nothing. However, Louis moves. He moves only to turn around, the sound of the water echoes in the bathroom, and he does it carefully not to slip over — this is not the time, really — so he is properly facing Harry, still between his legs, in knees this time, and oh, he would give everything to tangle his legs around Harry's waist and just be held.

He leans closer because all this seconds without  _feeling_ Harry's warm skin made him chills and it's just not right. He rests his hand on Harry's shoulder and the other on his face, just barely there, just for the contact. Harry, immediately puts his hand on Louis' waist pushing him even closer, holding him and making sure that he is, in fact, there. And wow, they really forget that they're naked, they forget where they are and even who they are. Is just the two of them when Louis starts drawing Harry's features with his thumb, touching the skin from his face. His jaw, his cheekbones, even his eyelashes and cheeks and chin.

Harry is melting under the touch, the fact that Louis is taking  _that_ time to look carefully at him, being this soft and so... so  _Louis._ They only look at each other, they're literally craving each other by looking in the eyes. Green drowning on blue, blue burning on green and it's just them and their bodies and  _them._

Louis slides his hand on Harry's lips and god, Harry's lips are so irresistible, they feel so good underneath Louis' fingertips. But he's so tired of just feeling them that way that he needs to  _feel_  them. Caress them, biting them and just do what Harry's lips deserve to.

He puts his hand on the back of Harry's neck, while the other one is still on his shoulder — and Harry, Harry is still holding him closer by his hips — and he leans a little bit closer. "Lou..." Harry whispers and he is begging. He's begging for the touch. So Louis leans over completely till his lips are finally on Harry's again and how did he contain himself for this long to feel them again?

He kisses Harry like he should now. He grips his locks of hair from the back of his head to pull Harry into him, he sucks Harry's bottom lip and he moves his lips as if he knew Harry's like the palm of his hand.

Harry's fingers are pressed on his waist, holding him still and lets himself depends on the kiss. He allows Louis to lead this time. The sound of their lips smashing is the only thing echoing in the bathroom right now. That, and small gasps they leave from their mouths. Louis bites and then licks Harry's bottom lip and the boy parts them so Louis can let his tongue in. Tasting him and oh, he tastes good and Louis' mind now is just  _HarryHarryHarry_ and Harry's mind is just  _LouisLouisLouis._

They don't know what they're doing. They're best friends and Louis likes girls even if Harry likes boys but they're kissing and it feels really good. Their tongues like to be together and their lips like to feel each other so they forget everything. They ignore the fact that their dicks are raising between their bodies because now they're only kissing and they only want that. Kissing passionately like this was the last time they'd see each other but in reality is just their first proper kiss after years together.

So they snog for a while. Like a proper,  _proper_ breath-taking snog. Till their lips are swollen and red and plumper and their skin starts feeling the effects of being too much under water. And they, eventually, need to pull away because they need air unlike what their bodies are saying,  _be closer and don't stop._

They look at each other, Louis' hands still on Harry's face as if he was still finishing his drawing. Harry's hands still gripping Louis' waist — in so much desire than what he needs and so much tighter than how he was at the beginning. Their chest are raising up and down quickly from the lack of air and they look proud at each other's lips. So wet, with the taste of the other on them and so  _red, red, red_.

"God..." Louis is the first speaking. Is that even his voice? He's sure it's not him talking because he doesn't know if he had the courage to speak.

"Wow..." Harry says back and he's probably having the same thoughts as Louis.

And wow, is really wow. Louis' mind is still hovering in Harry's and he just wants that. He wants Harry. "You're gorgeous." He says and now yes, now it's him talking for sure.

Harry doesn't answer but the look he gives Louis says it all. So he brushes the skin from Harry's neck, licks his lips and leans over just to feel one more time Harry's skin — he promises, he promises is the last one. He kisses Harry's neck softly, really softly, allowing his tongue to come out between his teeth and then he sucks the skin. Just leaving a mark, a mark that makes Harry his — even if after all this time, he was always his. Harry leaves a soft moan escape his lips and then Louis goes swallowing it by stealing him a simple and quick kiss.

"Better go to bed, no?" Louis asks him, the tip of their noses touching, both faces relaxed and still in trance.

Harry nods and he needs to contain himself not to kiss his best friend again. Louis doesn't allow him anyway when gets up and leaves the bathtub, taking his towel — yes because Louis has his own towel on Harry's bathroom, as well as Harry has one for him in Louis' — and puts it around his waist.

He offers one to Harry and the curly boy is forced to get out — cheeks flushed like Louis since, well, their boner was just exposed — as well and accepting the white towel, doing the same Louis did.

They head to the room, clean themselves and Harry hands Louis fresh underwear and some sweatpants, since he likes to sleep shirtless. They dress the clothes and when Harry is about to put his shirt on, Louis places his hands above his, stopping him. "Just... leave it—I mean, you're so beautiful Harry." Louis doesn't meet his eyes and he doesn't even know why he is saying this but Harry is giving him a look that is a mixture of fond and surprise.

But he still keeps himself only in sweatpants like Louis and both go to his bed. They lay down, belly up, looking at the ceiling and Harry forgot to shut the window so the breeze from the night is refreshing the room and maybe is because of that, that he doesn't move to close it.

After some minutes of silence, both starting to get tired, not only sleepy but also tired of being so apart since it's always  _closerclosercloser_ "Feeling better?" Harry asks maybe a bit afraid of breaking the silence, his heart beating fast.

"Yes. Thank you." Louis speaks still softly.

"Come here," Harry opens his arms and looks at Louis who looks back. Louis offers him a smile and gets closer to him, laying down on his bare chest. Oh,  _bare chest._ "I really do want you okay, Lou." Harry places his hands around Louis' torso while he keeps his above Harry's chest. His skin is warmer now and Harry doesn't seem to be bothered with the fact that Louis' hair is still a bit wet.

"I am. I don't know why—I just..." he sighs "I am okay Harry. I've got you. It's enough for me." Harry nods even knowing Louis can't see him. "I love you." Louis says and doesn't hesitate on placing small kisses on Harry's chest, moving up to his neck and looking at the hickey he made previously. He kisses the mark and he feels Harry shivering underneath him. "Do you love me Harry?"

This time Harry chuckles because what's up with the stupid question? "Of course I love you, you dork."

"Then tell me straight away when I say to you." Louis pouts, joking and Harry laughs

"Okay, Lou." Harry smiles and looks at Louis in awe.

"I'm being serious." He is, he is being serious. Harry kisses his nose, since Louis has his face now so much closer from his. "I love you."

"I love you." Harry says right after him, this time and Louis grins. And he is proud. So proud of having a best friend like Harry.

A best friend who he can count on, who he can be like this with, who he knows he will never disappoint. A best friend who he can kiss. But that... that, Louis pulls to the back of his head because for now, is just cuddling and falling asleep in each other's arms, while he puts that episode on his memory and leaves it there till he thinks is ready to remember again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of my fav chapters so far bc i kinda got emotional writing the kiss scene oops  
> there is this video that is kinda what i pictured when Harry kissed Louis  
> http://fresharold.tumblr.com/post/74862896266/hiddenlarrysmut-i-literally-cannot-stop  
> you can thank me later bc best thing ever


	16. Forget it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Ships in the night by Mat Kearney

Louis is almost out of breath. He doesn't know when he ran this fast in his life, not even in his soccer games and practises - which is been a while since her mother took him from the team after failing the year, though she's pondering in putting him back since this year he is doing so much better and Louis really wants to go back to the team. His backpack is basically dancing on his back, he is sweating and regretting wearing a jacket like the one he is but,  _Louis, don't you dare go to without a jacket outside, it's February and it's freezing_ , Fiona said. She was even surprised by him listening to what she was saying because in his mind was just  _HarryHarryHarry_  and the fact that he was going alone to school and Harry was staying at home, without Louis to take care of him.

Louis didn't like the idea of leaving his best friend alone at home with a cold since now Barbara doesn't stay to properly take care of him because he is old enough to be alone now. So school finished ten minutes ago and he is almost reaching home. It's a record since he usually takes more than half an hour to arrive home with Harry. Mainly because the two take the way calmly, talking and even taking the opportunity to eat something in their usual coffee shop.

It's their routine basically. In the morning Harry goes to Louis' house to eat breakfast, Louis' father drops them at school when he can - if not is Louis' mother - they go to classes - they decided to take both arts and Harry just hopes he doesn't regret it, he still can't believe his parents allowed him  _(I don't care what you're going to do, just don't annoy me anymore_ , they said, it's kind of good for Harry since nowadays they are more and more distant from him) - and when it finishes they go to Louis', other days to Harry's house to study. Harry is truly helping Louis now and his grades are way better than last year. That's probably because he enjoys more these classes than the others, so it makes him keep going. Still, he has Harry when feels like doing nothing, who reminds him about his hope coming true.

He reaches Harry's big house and needs to take a break to recover his breath with his hands on his knees and chest going up and down quickly from breathing heavily. He thinks he is going to pass out but then again, he can't he needs to take care of Harry. He takes the key from the pocket of his backpack and opens the door - he now has his own so it's easier than trying to catch it from the mail box.

"Harry?" He calls taking off his jacket and not caring about dropping it on the floor and walking upstairs, still with his bag.

He hears Harry groaning from his bedroom and if he wasn't worried about Harry getting worse, he'd laugh since he knows Harry tried to speak and say something coherent.

He gets in the room and frowns right away "Love, this smells like hospital and old people dying, Jesus." He can't even see Harry on his bed by how dark the room is.

"Louis... That's not nice to say." Harry says in a raspy and tired voice while Louis opens the blinds and opens a little bit the window so it can come fresh air to the room.

"Feeling better?" He says now kneeling next to Harry's bed and giving him a kiss on his forehead. He looks less yellow but his eyes still look tired and his voice throaty.

"My throat and head still hurt, but my body doesn't and I don't have a fever since last night. So, kind of." He answers looking at Louis. Louis can't help but find Harry cute this way - even if it's in a bad way. The blankets cover his whole body so just his head is peeking out, his curls are messy and spread out on the pillow and he truly looks like a puppy.

"All right. Did you eat something?"

"Only the soup your mother brought."

"Are you drinking enough water?"

Harry nods as an answer "Almost the whole bottle" he points at the big bottle Louis left him this morning.

"Good. Later, if you are feeling better, we can go dinner in my place and you can stay over."

"My parents are coming for dinner." Harry informs and Louis sighs sadly.

"Right."

"Though, I miss Daisy. Why didn't you bring her with you this time?" Harry asks pouting and Louis thinks if this boy in front of him is actually sixteen. He sees a thirteen years old Harry, really so he finds himself smiling in fond.

"If you didn't notice yet, I came running from school to here. I'm thirsty and tired."

"You can drink from my bottle." Harry jokes with a cheeky smile

"Yeah right, I don't want to look like you." Louis teases and ignores Harry's insults "I'm gonna bring us something to eat okay?" Harry nods while Louis stands up from the floor and leaves the room.

He makes his best to be as quick as possible so Harry doesn't stay alone upstairs too much time, since he spent basically the whole day. Louis wanted to skip classes to take care of Harry but neither Harry nor his mother allowed him to. So he couldn't really stay with the curly boy.

He walks back upstairs some minutes later with orange juice - natural because Harry needs energy and vitamins, he thought - and a toasted sandwich to each one. "Present you my specialty" Louis says with a grin on his face, walking to the room. Harry sits up immediately, with his back on the head board.

"Of course," Harry laughs a bit and Louis sits next to him, with the tray above his legs and turns on the TV on some music programme. "So anything special at school?"

Louis shakes his head giving a bite on his sandwich "Noteally,"

"Chew Louis!" Harry would roll his eyes if it didn't do worse to his headache.

"I have some notes to give you," he continues after swallowing "our English teacher didn't come, Harry I'm starting to believe in that rumour about him cheating on her wife and she finding out so they're divorcing."

"Don't be stupid Louis."

"Whatever... On that spare time we were practising music and then on our drama class we tried a new exercise."

"Tell me about it," Harry says placing the other half of his sandwich since he truly believes he won't be able to eat.

"Well," Louis hesitates a little and when Harry notices he frowns "I'm actually glad you skipped so you didn't need to see my tragedy!" he laughs a bit but it's not like he really wants to.

"You always do it great Louis!" Harry raises his eyebrow and it's true, he does. Louis is better in drama than Harry - which makes him proud since Harry is better at everything else - so Louis recognises it and never says that he went badly. Could do better, yes, but that he was terrible, no.

"Yeah..." He scratches the back of his neck "We tried the technical kiss... it was supposed to be only next year but the teacher wanted to try this year as well."

"Oh, okay! Who did you stay with? Tell me it was with Lydia so I can laugh a bit." Louis didn't expect Harry to joke about it, but then, what did he expect?

"Erm, actually, it was with Troye." Harry frowns "Yeah, she mixed genders and stuff and I ended up with him. Hum, it was weird." He says honestly and somehow a bit nervous for saying this to Harry.

"Oh, you kissed him then." Harry sounds different and Louis feels a knot on his throat.

"I-I did..." Louis is confused... Yeah, he is just confused because even if that kiss in class was technical, nothing special, Louis kissed a boy. I mean, another boy. To be fair to himself, Louis didn't like it. He found it weird and just wanted to wash his mouth afterwards. Maybe because it was Troye and they're mere friends and Louis doesn't like boys. He likes girls, he's sure of it.

But here's this thing: Louis liked kissing Harry last year, on summer holidays. God he fucking liked it, that was a proper snog for sure. He liked so much that he dreamt about kissing his best friend again and he spent months looking at Harry's lips and wondering if he could kiss them right there, taste them, shove his tongue up Harry's throat, make Harry grip his hair by how he was enjoying Louis' lips on his... he wanted that and much more and he found that dirty, wrong and felt ashamed of himself because he was fantasying about snogging his best friend. The person he grew up with basically.

It must be the age, he thought. He's sixteen, he's a virgin - Harry thinks he is not but he never asked that to Louis so it's not like he is going to do that now - he might watch too much porn and guys at his age are a bit... dirty. Louis is just growing up and hit puberty and he enjoyed kissing his best friend... and Louis is fucked. Harry is like his brother, his baby so this is some kind of kink. It really is not but they never talked about it, never did it again - Louis really wants to but oh well - so he's torn. Torn because he has two theories.

Or he is bi.

Or he likes Harry.

He can't be gay because he likes girls. Too much even. He cringes by the thought of being with a guy. And he jacks off too much thinking about girls and boobs and when the possibility of him liking boys comes to mind he just can't finish it.

So it lasts the second option. However, he doesn't see himself liking Harry because it'd be liking his brother and he feels like, if he liked him that way, it'd be like he was eighteen and Harry eleven and Louis would feel like a pedo. It's a no.

This is Louis thoughts at night basically. He even made a drawing about all of these ideas which ended up with his sister finding it and screaming in fear. Louis is not good at drawing. But she can read and he can draw dicks and boobs. It wasn't cool.

"Louis, are you feeling all right?" Louis looks confused at Harry. He needs to talk about this with someone because he realises he just froze thinking about this all over again. But that someone is Harry. Louis can't talk about Harry with Harry. And he certainly can't talk with his mother about who he should think while touching himself. He doesn't have more friends who he can trust about serious things. Again, he's fucked.

"I am babe." He tries to pull all of that shit behind his back and look as normal as he can

"Suddenly you seemed sicker than me." Harry laughs a bit and Louis makes his best to laugh as well. It didn't sound well "And you didn't listen to what I said, did you?" Harry asks carefully and more serious this time

"No, I'm sorry..."

"It's fine though."

"Anyway..." He really needs to change subject or he's going to throw up. "I have something for you." Louis says standing up. On the way he almost spills the juice on the duvet and hurts Harry's legs.

He goes towards his backpack, which is on the usual corner on the floor and unzips it to take off an envelope "You know what day is it?"

"Hm, Monday." Harry replies "The day you hate the most."

"I actually hate Sundays the most Harry, Monday is the second one, god dammit. It's been years and you still don't know!" Louis plays mad and sits on the edge of the bed while Harry composes himself to get closer to the blue eyed boy.

"Sorry, sorry. But I go with you to the church now so I thought you started liking it a little bit more." Louis stops to think about Harry's words and Harry laughs with the face he makes

"Your point is correct. But this doesn't matter now, it's not what I meant. What day, day is Harry?"

"The fourteenth of February...?" Harry raises his eyebrow and he is seriously rethinking about his position because is seriously hurting his back

"My point precisely. It's Valentine's Day." he grins "Here." He hands the envelope and Harry looks carefully at Louis some seconds - really, he is confused - before accepting it. "Open it." Harry is sure he sees Louis' cheeks getting a bit rosy. Louis doesn't blush even though lately it has been a constant thought on Harry's mind.

"Okay..." He opens it and looks at the paper with letters written in red and black in a not so familiar handwriting, but he knows it was Louis who drew it. "I know we're not, like, together or anything-" Harry starts reading, with a grin growing up on his face even though he is confused.

"Please don't read it out loud!" Louis almost shouts, shutting his eyes and covering his ears with a dramatic expression.

Harry laughs looking at his best friend "That will just make me keep reading," He keeps laughing and Louis sighs in annoyance. Why did he even tell Harry that? He knew it. Harry cleans his throat, and still with a cheeky grin, he looks down at the paper "I know we're not, like, together or anything," he repeats and Louis needs to bring a pillow to his face. He's already regretting writing that piece of paper. "so I got you this card. It's not a big deal. It doesn't mean anything, there isn't even a heart on it. So basically, it's a card saying hi. Forget it." Harry laughs loudly even before reading the end saying Cheers your stupid best friend who loves you, but it's anything Harry didn't know already "Oh my god Louis" He keeps laughing ignoring Louis groans from annoyance and embarrassment

"Keep it Harry, I was trying to be nice and you just ruined. Really, forget it." He says, ready to stand up from bed, playing mad. But sometimes, Harry can't see when Louis is being serious or is acting. Lately he's been getting better and better.

So now, afraid of being those time that he's not pretending, he takes Louis' wrist in a rush - forgetting how painful it can be to put so much effort from his ill body - making Louis fall in the bed again, closer to Harry. "Hey," He takes Louis' cheeks in both of his hands "I loved it," he smiles. And Louis is basically on his lap and it's great, it's great because he feels like he is not ill anymore.

He slides his hands down from Louis' cheeks to his shoulders and keeps his smile. "I really loved it Lou, thank you."

"It's cheesy and stupid." Louis tries to look away

"It's different and cute." Harry corrects him chuckling and not allowing Louis to take his eyes off of him. "All right?" Louis nods, agreeing with him and oh, is that a shy smile?

Louis starts to feel kinda of uncomfortable - but in reality and deep down he is not - from being this close to Harry and both staring as if it's the last time they're seeing each other or even the first one so they're taking notes of every detail it might escape.

And Louis sees, he sees and notices the way Harry is looking at his lips and licks his owns. Louis is sure that Harry is going to kiss him like, yes, he wants it again. "Harry..." Louis whispers and that makes Harry looking from his lips to his eyes. Shocked, surprise. Probably because he wasn't expecting Louis to say something, to notice. So Louis thinks that Harry understands that Louis is telling him to kiss him, because he called him this same way the first time they kissed.

"I'm sorry," Harry says instead and leans over to kiss Louis in his cheek to pull away right after it.

So Harry doesn't kiss him and Louis tries his best not to look disappointed the whole day with his best friend.

~*~

Louis passes the year with average grades, all thanks to Harry. Everything ends up going all right. Perfect even. Louis has kind of putting that possibility of him liking Harry - liking kissing Harry - to the side because anything else happened. Just normal things, which means they act exactly the same way. That's good, that's wonderful, because they are keeping their different but warm friendship. That's what both need.

When they started the eleventh grade, Louis' old friends apologised to him. He accepted but they haven't talked, simply because Louis doesn't want to, he's afraid they can hurt him again and he doesn't want to leave Harry. He wants to keep present this way.

He has friends. He does, mainly from their class. But they all know that is only Harry and Louis and they know that Harry doesn't feel okay around people. They had luck with their classmates actually. So yeah, it's all wonderful.

"I think my sister likes someone." Louis says on their way home to his house

"Why do you say that?" Harry asks putting on Louis' beanie so just his curls are popping out of the fabric. Louis finds cute the fact that Harry, already with seventeen, has so many curls. More than he had last year.

"I heard her talking on the phone with her friend and she was talking about a boy."

"That's good, isn't it?"

"No it's not." Louis looks at his best friend surprised because Harry doesn't understand what this is. The fact that his younger sister, with only sixteen, has a crush on a boy is big. Louis is overreacting of course, but when doesn't he? "She's only sixteen and I don't know the boy. I never saw her with a boy and she never talked about it neither."

"Louis," Harry shakes his head "only sixteen? You had a girlfriend at age sixteen for not mentioning the girls you liked when you were so much younger, so why can't she?"

"But I'm a boy and I'm her older brother."

"You aren't making sense Louis. She's old enough to decide those things, don't you think?" Louis knows Harry is right but at the same time he is not. He can't simply allow Zoe dating someone... and he is not daring saying, liking someone. Because Louis has, he always had, that sense of protection, so he needs to take care of her sister. Like he takes care of Harry, because they're both younger and Louis cares a lot for them.

"I am Harry, if you had sibling you'd understand!" He says not realising what comes out of his mouth. He knows Harry wanted to have a sibling, younger so he could take care of him or even older so he could be him being taken care. Both know that's impossible.

So Harry doesn't say anything and it turns out to be too much silence - and it only passes a minute. "Shit," Louis curses out of sudden. Sometimes he realises things too late "I'm sorry." He makes Harry stop by his wrist.

Harry is looking down, not meeting Louis' eyes and that's when he sees the mistake he made. "Babe," he makes him look back at him by his chin "show me those beautiful green eyes."

"Louis," Harry laughs a bit pulling away Louis' touch "I'm not a kid."

"Oh, here they are." Louis jokes, ignoring what Harry said when he looks back at him. "They sure are beautiful." He says slowly. He couldn't be more honest.

Without control of his movements he raises his hand and caresses Harry's cheek. Harry's flushed cheeks because he can't stop but blush by the way Louis is looking at him. "You are beautiful, you know?" Louis says and he can't even recognise his own voice. He leans over to place a kiss on the same cheek he was caressing before and watching how Harry's eyes travel his face.

"Idiot." Harry mumbles but even though he takes Louis' hand in his and makes him start walking again.

They reach Louis' home in ten minutes and still holding hands. They do that sometimes so it's familiar.

"Hi Z." Louis says when Zoe opens the door for them - in reality they get along so much better than when they did when were younger.

"Hi. Hi Harry!"

"Hi Zoe." Harry smiles and gives her a quick kiss on her cheek, which makes Louis roll his eyes

"Where's mom and Peter?" he asks not allowing the two to talk more

"Still working and Peter is at James' house so mom will pick him up later." She replies while all head to kitchen to eat something, which ends up being something Zoe was already making.

"We are going to watch a movie now wanna join?" Harry asks Zoe

"Sure."

Louis still thinks that if Harry can't get along with people then he shouldn't get along with his sister this well. He sure doesn't need to feel this way, much the otherwise because Harry gets along with his family so he has someone besides Louis. It wouldn't be healthy if the only person Harry would talk were Louis.

So he makes the same he always does, puts it to the back of his head and sits between Harry and Zoe on the couch - with Daisy on his lap - and when they start talking he tells them to shut up because they're there to watch the movie and not to talk.

He seriously hates to leave those two alone but even though he allows himself to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the movie - he made them to stop the movie while he goes. - but making sure to check if they still have the same space between them when he's leaving.

Louis knows that what he does is not right and he can't even understand why he does it. Probably because he's selfish and likes the idea that he's Harry's only friend.

He needs to stop it, whatever this obsession is and he wants to. He definitely wants to because he is sure Harry had noticed his behaviour around them and Louis doesn't want to have that conversation with him.

He needs to stop on his own, however when he walks back to the living room he needs to stop behind the couch , frozen and probably shocked with his heart on his sleeves "What is this?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'm award that this chapter sucks, but i promise the next ones will be better. Also , i apologise if the story is going really fast, like , they're already 17/18 but i know what i am doing and there's no point in describing some scenes through their years so i'm focusing in the important ones.  
> By the way, i don't know when i am going to update now bc i'm travelling and going to be out for 2 weeks and then i'll go to a concert from the boys but i'll do my best to write.


	17. We can't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Ships In The Night by Mat Kearny 
> 
> Lucky by Jason Mraz

"What is this?" Louis almost shouts looking widely at his sister and best friend on the couch. At the moment they hear his voice, they automatically pull away from each other. Louis' heart is bumping quickly in his chest, he's in shock. Literally in shock, he can't believe he just saw his sister and Harry kissing. Lips touching each other's lips. Close, so fucking close. As close as he usually is with Harry, as he was with Harry. He can't stand what he is feeling right now.

"What the fuck just happened here?" He can't move, that would imply getting close to them and he can't. He can't. He feels so betrayed. The fact that Harry's lips were on his sister. His sister. His best friend. They kissed. They kissed and he feels like someone had taken his heart off of his chest and is hurting so much.

Harry looks widely at him as if he's as shocked as Louis. He doesn't move as well and Louis is looking at him. Somebody else wouldn't even dare to look at them, would run away, but Louis wants to know what just happened, he needs and deserves explanations. So he looks at Harry, Harry's lips more precisely, because they touched his sisters' and not his. Harry might notice the sad look Louis looks at him, the attentive and maybe disappointed look.

"Louis," Zoe stands up from the couch right away. Louis doesn't dare to look at her not that he's madder at her than at Harry - he doesn't know, he probably is as mad as Zoe as he is with Harry - but is because the same way he can't move, the same he can't look away from Harry. His Harry, his best friend.

Zoe doesn't say anything else, probably because she doesn't have the courage to. Louis will make her talk, will make her explain because what was going on in her head? Doesn't she know that Harry is his best friend? He will make her listen... if he's able to talk.

"You were kissing him," He finally looks at her sister and his voice... his voice makes her looking at him in regret and eye-opened. He just doesn't notice it because he's too focused on the sad way his voice comes out "why? Wha-" he makes a pause "Harry?" he turns his gaze at Harry again and he's not shouting as he was before. He's almost whispering. Maybe that's why Harry is not saying anything.

"Louis, listen-"

"No." he gulps in dry and looks down. He can't look at them anymore. "I can't believe this. Don't talk with me" He says, probably to himself and in a rush he's out of there. He runs back to the hall, bumping into his mother - why does she had to appear now? - and brother.

"Louis?" She grabs him by his shoulders. He gives her a glance but pulls away running upstairs, locking the door right away.

He slides down through the door and lets himself sit on the floor with his back pressed against the wooden wall. He plays the image in his head on replay and he is sure the times it plays are not enough but he's interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Louis..." He sighs in relief for not being neither Harry nor his sister, he can't face them. 

He tries his best not to think about them being downstairs alone, kissing again. Harry's lips on Zoe's, him kissing her till making her lips bruised, her pulling out his hair by how she's enjoying. God Louis needs to slap himself to make that image disappear, it's disgusting. Harry was supposed to only be kissed by him. That was such a privilege and Louis liked that feeling. But now, now he kissed Zoe as well. His sister. A girl.

"Louis, honey, open the door." Fiona's voice is heard from the other side.

He thinks twice before opening it, he's not in the mood to talk nor see anyone. He cleans the small tears that were creating in the corner of his eyes by frustration and Fiona looks at him attentively. "Louis? Are you crying?" She steps in and he walks away as far as possible from her.

"No, I'm not..." his voice doesn't sound like it. His voice sounds harsh.

"What happened? Zoe and Harry are downstairs and didn't tell me-"

"Don't." he turns around to look at his mother. "Please, don't talk about them now." she looks widely at him

"Why? Honey, talk to me..." She walks closer to him and Louis decides to sit at the edge of his bed.

"I don't..." he sighs. "Mom, forget it."

She keeps the silence while sits next to him but Louis knows she'll make him talk.That frightens him. He doesn't want to say what happened out loud. "I won't be able to forget it. You look like you're about to cry and Zo-and you seem to be mad at those two." Louis almost wants to laugh by the fact that his mother decides not to say their names.

He doesn't say anything for a while, trying to find the words. He needs to think well about them, think about what he has to say and what he can't tell her mother. How he can say it without hurting himself. "They were kissing mother." So he says in the most direct way possible.

"What?" She almost shouts, surprised. "Harry and-Wow..." She looks forward, at anything basically and Louis knows she's shocked but she's not shocked the way Louis is, the Louis wanted her to be "Are they... Are they tog-"

"NO!" He says immediately, not allowing her to say that. That.

"Oh. That would be weird."

"That wouldn't be right mom, that would be devastating. That cannot happen. That's impossible." He rambles. He knows he isn't forming sentences that make sense but what's in his head isn't making sense.

"Calm down Louis. Why were they then-"

"All is making sense now," he interrupts her once again "Harry is the boy she was talking about. Oh my god, Zoe likes Harry that's-"

"Louis?" He looks at the door and sees Zoe and Harry behind her walking in. His gaze goes directly at the tall and curly haired boy. He catches his breathe, it's amazing how Harry can make him losing his breathe.

"Go away." he says the first thing it comes to his mind. He hears her mother next to him calling his attention, probably because that's not the right way to talk to her sister and he's not being fair.

"But Louis..."

"I can't believe you two did this to me." he shakes his had and doesn't notice the look the three people are giving to him. Confusion, regret, knowledge?

"What?" he hears her sister and he can't wait to reach the moment she goes away. He's so mad, so mad that even looking at Harry makes him sick "Look, Louis, I'm sorry. But what's the thing? I know he's you friend but-"

"Oh Zoe," He stands up from his bed laughing. He's laughing and he just wants to make Harry talk, to hear what he's thinking right now. It pisses him off the fact that he's not speaking and allowing Zoe to think that what she did was right and she'll have a chance with him. "listen to me, I knew you had a crush on a guy," he probably doesn't realise how loud he's talking. "and that was pissing me off already. But the fact that, that guy is Harry... What were you thinking?" He walks closer to her, ignoring Harry's eyes on him behind her. She needs to look up a bit to face him and she looks at Louis as if he was a stranger right now. "He's my best friend, he's my Harry and you won't have any chance with him. He's gay Zoe, he doesn't like you so don't you dare to kiss him again. You hear me?"

"Louis!" Fiona and Harry say at the same time. Fiona in a warning tone and Harry as if he is not recognising Louis. Louis himself doesn't and he can't believe what he just said. But he can't function right now. There's too much going on and something is controlling him.

Zoe looks widely at him, she feels humiliated - she's not the only one, for sure - and at the same moment she turns around without giving another glance at Louis, bumps into Harry who looks at her in an apologetic way and she pushes him away to run away, closing the door to leave everyone behind. Louis thinks that he shouldn't feel this good by breaking her sister's heart.

He dares to look up at Harry to be faced with a disappointed look. Still, Louis knows that Harry's look is not only showing him disappointment, there's something else but he can't figure it out. It's better if he doesn't, he thinks.

"Louis you-"

"Mom, go away." He looks down and steps away from Harry. This is probably the first situation he doesn't want to breathe the same air as Harry, looking at him and feeling his presence. His thoughts, his room, everything seems to be like a black hole right now and he's so afraid of it but a part of him wants to be caught by it to take him away. To disappear.

Fiona tries to speak but gives up when stands up from his bed and passes by Harry, taping his shoulder before leaving. "Leave me alone you too." Louis says to Harry this time walking towards his bed and sitting in the corner, close to the wall, bringing his knees up to his chest. It hurts even talking directly at Harry so he wants to be as far as possible as if Harry is on fire and he can get burn. He shouldn't have said that, but the moment made him to. His sister wanted to take Harry away, he couldn't allow it. She kissed him and he thinks he won't forgive her. That makes Louis so mad, not only to them, but to himself because he's letting himself feeling this.

"Louis..."

"Can you please stop saying my name?" Louis heard them calling his name so many times in this short period of time that he is definitely tired. He wants to change name, really, because this is not good. The way they speak his name makes him see and feel the disapproval. "I told you to leave me alone."

"You told them I was-"

"I'm sorry!" He shouts, he's desperate, he doesn't know what's happening. He feels so out of the place "But you wanted me to say what?"

"Not that, for sure."

"You and my sister kissed."

"And why on earth are you mad at me?" Harry shouts. Harry is shouting and Louis looks at him as if he is a rare flower. A flower that can't be touched and Louis touched. He touched and the petals are falling and Louis is trying to pick them, however it's in vain because it's impossible to make the flower look like it was before.

"Because... Be-Because that's just that. You two were kissing." He stammers and he can't describe what he feels when sees Harry walking towards him. He doesn't know if he wants him close, close like he's supposed to be or if he wants him far, far away from him so he can stop feeling this and won't get burned.

"And?" Louis can imagine Harry touching him already, he's almost touching his skin, almost next to Louis. That will make Louis fall.

"No, stop." He decides he wants him far away, he decides he wants to stop feeling this. There's no right choice here, only because just one of them tells the truth.

"Lou..."

"You two kissed," Louis shouts harshly and throws his pillow at Harry since he doesn't stop. He throws another and another, hitting Harry as if that will make the image of her sister kissing his best friend, as if that will make Harry forget the taste of her lips on his and only remember Louis'.

"Louis!" Harry says firmly and in a blink of an eye he's on Louis' bed, grabbing Louis' wrists, stopping him to let out his anger that way and close.  _Close, close, close._

"Why did you do that?" He whispers looking at Harry in the eyes

"I didn't. It was her." Harry whispers as well, not letting Louis go and keeping him pressed against the wall. Only Louis' knees are between their chests but that doesn't stop Louis feeling Harry's hot breathe hitting his face.

"I don't fucking care," he starts trying to release himself from Harry "you allowed her, your lips touched hers, that's not fucking right!" he keeps shouting, kicking his legs under Harry and he is really trying to hurt him. He really is and that's why he shuts his eyes tightly not to look at those green eyes. Not to see Harry flames disappearing that way.

"Louis, stop."

"I can't fucking believe in this," he ignores Harry's protests and keeps it "I should have been the only one kissing them and you fucking allowed her to kiss you, I'm so fucking jealous. I hate you, I hate you two for making me feel this. I hate you." by now Harry has stopped trying to calm him, even keeping grabbing Louis' wrists, but Louis calms himself along his confession.

"Wha-Lou?" Harry's flames are gone but Louis got to burn himself.

Louis' chest goes up and down by each heavy breathe he lets go and Harry is looking at him in the same way he remembers he looked when they were in the bathtub. So gentle but there's something different, something new. 

"You're je-jealous of-"

"Don't." Louis turns his head to the side so he can block away Harry's gaze, the one that is trespassing him like a knife.

"You hate me for that?" Harry keeps close to Louis, his chest on Louis' knees and holding Louis' wrists above his head and that hurts Louis. Not that Harry is holding him tightly enough but he feels like Harry is leaving marks there, he's marking him. Louis can't be marked by Harry, it's dangerous.

"I don't fucking hate you Harry," he shouts now directly at Harry. He catches his breathe when sees Harry's invading his space, with his emerald eyes fixed on him and his plumped lips calling for Louis'. The space he so wants Harry to invade, to take away from him to become one but... he can't let that happen. That will make all fade away, won't it? "I don't..." he whispers, he wants only the two of them listening to it and he wished he could touch Harry's face right now. "I just hate the way you're making... making me feel, Harry."  _The way I shouldn't be feeling towards my best friend._

"Please don't Lou..." Harry says and Louis is almost sure he didn't say that and it was all his imagination. It was a voice, Harry's voice from his head whispering it to him. They're both looking at each other in confusion, this whole moment Is confusing to both and the fact that they're so close blocks their minds.

"Harry..."

Harry shakes his head "We can't, I-you-"

Louis releases his wrists from Harry almost harshly, stepping away from his best friend. He's free, he's free from Harry's touch, Harry's smell, Harry's warmth... it's probably that warmth that makes him feel this way.

He's quick to sit on the edge of the bed and ignoring the look Harry gives him "I'm sorry... Erm, my-"

"Don't be jealous, Lou..."

He looks back at Harry for some seconds to catch his reaction, his expression. Too late. "Oh forget it," he laughs nervously. He can't keep with this, Harry obviously made it clear. He knew Louis wanted to kiss him. He knows Louis has been craving it since the first time they kissed but he made it clear that he didn't want that to happen. So he can't keep forcing it, keep feeling it. "maybe it'd have been a better idea if we would have studied a bit." He stands up from bed "Or maybe we can go play with Daisy, we haven't give her much attention, haven't we?" Harry looks at him noticing the way his person has changed and how he's making his best to laugh and looking as if he hadn't been stabbed five times. However, the knifes were replaced with words and acts that made it hurt only on the inside so no one could see the blood on the outside.

"Louis...?"

"Stop calling my name," he tries to say in an amused tone but it comes out almost bitterly "let's go, b-babe." he makes signal for Harry to follow him and walks away from the room. At the moment he turns around, facing his back at Harry, his smile fades away and he wished that what he's feeling would go along it.

~*~

Three days later, Louis still haven't talked with his sister. They don't make eye contact, they don't speak at all, they literally pretend that the other doesn't exists. Louis' father has noticed it but no one had the courage to tell him that Louis is mad at her for kissing his best friend and Zoe is mad at him for breaking his heart that way - not that is Louis' fault that Harry is gay. Well...

Fiona is worried about it and Harry hasn't appeared this last three days as well - neither for breakfast - and Louis is doing it on purpose. He is trying to avoid all the possible awkward moments and Harry gets it, that's why he doesn't comment the strange behaviour.

Sometimes Louis wished Harry wasn't so mysterious and could tell Louis what he was truly feeling that day. Especially when Zoe kissed him and when Louis started saying things that weren't supposed to be spoken out loud. But he still doesn't know how Harry felt but he didn't dare to bring that up.

"Harry?" He calls his best friend and the only thing he gets in response from the other line of the phone are quiet snores. He chuckles by how adorable the sounds Harry makes when falls asleep are. They've been on the phone for hours now and sometimes they wouldn't even speak, only making each other company. It's only half past ten but Harry was feeling tired and tomorrow they have school again. "Goodnight baby, love you." he whispers even knowing Harry is no longer listening to him, but is more like a habit now.

He hangs up the phone and gets ready to listen to music through it. Not even five minutes pass when he hears a knock at the door, which is almost useless when the person gets inside. 

"Louis?"

He looks a bit surprised at where the voice comes from when is faced with a slim girl with blonde hair. He doesn't answer he looks away at the same moment he knows it's Zoe, even if it's just to look at the screen of his phone and unlocking and locking it several times.

"Can we talk?" He hears her approaching him but he keeps his lips pressed in a straight line "Louis, please..." she eventually says when keeps stood up near his bed for long seconds in silence.

"What?" His voice comes out. It doesn't sound harsh, it sounds normal and he finally looks up at her. She takes it as her cue to sit at the edge of his bed and Louis looks weirdly at her almost as if she needed permission to sit there and apparently she hadn't it.

"I want to... to apologise." Louis raises his eyebrow looking at her. He doesn't want her apologises, she doesn't understands and she said it already. Besides, he wished he could forget about this incident but he can't. "Mom talked to me and-"

"If you're here only because mum said so, you can leave."

"No. I'm not... I mean we talked but it's not only because she said so." she confirms and when Louis keeps the silence she continues "I don't know if what she told me is... I mean, I'm really sorry Louis. I never thought you'd get this mad at me. It was only a kiss-"

"Do you like him?" he interrupts looking firmly at her.

"What?"

"You heard it."

She gulps in dry "I-I... I do."

Louis ignores the squeeze he feels on his chest "Do you love him?" he knows what he is doing. He knows she doesn't love Harry, he thinks Zoe doesn't even know the meaning of love. But he... he knows and he loves Harry, he loved him first and he can't stand the fact that he is being so possessive. He never saw this side of him. Or maybe he only needed to show it now but it was always there.

"Love is a strong word but-"

"I know. That's exactly why you don't love him. You can't love him Zoe."

She looks hurt at him and Louis looks so cold, soulless and out of him "Stop talking that way. How can you say that?"

"Because it's the truth. You shouldn't have kissed him neither."

"Why? Because he is gay? I had no idea of that Louis," She's almost shouting at him, unlike Louis who keeps looking at her with no expression and keeping his tone down. "and it should be him giving his opinion on the matter, not you."

"You're wrong. I'm his best friend, I-"

"Exactly, his best friend, not his boyfriend so stop acting as if you are Louis, Jesus!" This time Louis looks widely at her, he shows some expression.  _Boyfriend_. Louis never used and heard that word to describe him and Harry and it's weird. Weird because it makes him think deeply "By the way you reacted, so mad at us, was almost as if you two were dating. You act around him as if you liked him. Loved him even since you two are always saying that to each other. God, are you gay as well Louis?" She's speaking that so easily and seriously that almost makes Louis want to slap her. But she's his sister and a girl and she's just saying what she thinks but Louis can't stand her right now

"Don't ever say that again." He says louder this time

"Why? Does it bother you? The reality bothers you, brother?"

"Zoe!" He warns her and she's afraid. He knows she is because she stands up from bed so she's not close to him.

However, Louis stands up as well by hearing her next words "Just admit it Louis. You love Harry, you always loved and that's why you got mad at us, you were jealous and that's why you are always so possessive over him. Mom was right." she shouts

"Shut up Zoe!"

"Louis?" She looks better at him and this time her voice is softer. She walks over her brother and sees Louis' eyes watering before he covers his face with his hands.

Her words hit Louis skin and got inside of him to play around with his thoughts. The same thoughts and doubts he is having, the ones that make him anxious, nervous and not knowing what to think, feel nor do. He's so lost, so lost that listening to her words made him blind so he can only focus on what is on the inside and what he can't see, only feel. He doesn't want to feel.

"I'm sorry. Louis? Why are you-stop crying. Please" She says already with her arms around him. Louis never thought his sister would ever saw him like this. Only Harry and his mother had seen him so fragile - especially Harry of course - so it never occurred him that Zoe would ever comfort him.

"He's my best friend." Louis says burying his head on her shoulder. Well, he couldn't talk with Harry nor his mother about this... so he got his sister.

"It's okay."

"It's not. I can't-I'm not gay."

"Ma-Maybe you're only for Harry." She whispers and if Louis knew how bad this is hurting her he wouldn't talk to her as well.

"No." he'd shout if the cries and the fabric of her shirt wouldn't muffle his sound "He said we can't."

She pats his brother's hair, she doesn't know what to say. Zoe doesn't know how Louis and Harry's relationship is, she only sees small parts of it. In reality, no one would understand and if they got to see themselves together, neither would they.

"It's fine Louis." Louis shakes his head "It is." she repeats

"I'm sorry." Louis says and she nods hopping he can take it as answer. He pulls away cleaning his face with his sleeves. At the end he didn't say anything he wanted to let out, just small words that made no sense. He's still confused but that's the thing. If he got to talk about what he's feeling, he couldn't find the words to, he doesn't know what to say, how to explain. He doesn't want to say it out loud.

"Let's just..." She sighs "Let's be okay. I'm sorry for what I did Louis. Just don't push Harry away from this house, okay? He is... He is family and remember that it's okay." She gives him a smile

"I'm sorry too. God, I'm sorry sister." He pulls her into another hug "And thanks."

She shakes her head chuckling "Just get your ideas in order, yeah? It doesn't make you any good." He nods. Zoe always seemed older than Louis and right now is the right moment to prove it. Louis asks himself if it's not him having sixteen and she eighteen. God, he's eighteen and was just crying in his younger sister's shoulder by how messy his mind is.

This all seemed easier when Louis and Harry were younger and didn't know that a simple kiss was such a big thing. So they kissed because they were best friends. They acted the way they acted because they were best friends.

Louis' excuses.

~*~

Next morning Louis wakes up fifteen minutes earlier from the usual and texts Harry

_Morning beautiful! Breakfast in my house? Bring eggs because my mom forgot to buy it yesterday. See ya.xx_

He doesn't want to push Harry away and if he said they couldn't. They won't. Louis only needs to put his shit together.

The question here now is: Was Harry saying that they can't because he doesn't feel that way or they cant because if something more happens between them they will end up hurt and with nothing? 

This might not make much sense but if you think a bit, like Louis did last night, you will get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Freaking stupid chapter i don't know what's wrong with me. Buuuut , last night i had like a huge inspiration to write to let's hope next chapter is good.


	18. Brownies

"Do you ever thought about getting married?" Louis suddenly hears Harry asking and he shoots a glare  at him right away. The light is hitting his crystal eyes, is almost sunset and the cold water from the lake on his feet is pleasant

"What the hell, Harry?" 

Harry looks away from him to appreciate the blue, orange and even a bit pink sky "I was just wondering..."

"I'm too young to think about that, don't you think?"

"You're never too young to think Louis."

Louis frowns looking at his best friend and thinking that Harry isn't that good at saying deep things "So, have you?" 

"Yes," Louis sees a dimple appearing on the side of the cheek he is facing and in the next moment Harry is looking at him again "but the problem is, I always imagine me with you." his tender voice makes Louis shiver and the words hitting him actually make his bones aching. Harry is such a surprise that Louis is constantly looking at him with eyes wide open by the amount of surprises he makes. 

Since when did Harry got so close from him? 

And why is Louis feeling his lips against the fragile skin from his ear? "Let's skinny dipping" Harry whispers following it with a giggle.

Louis doesn't remember agreeing with it, doesn't even remember getting naked on the lake with Harry, with the still visible rays of sunshine hitting the water, which at the moment has the exact colours of the sky. It's so beautiful and Louis can't stop but examine the fact that it contrasts perfectly with Harry's skin tone. And oh... he's naked, and his hair is wet and he is giving Louis a dorky smile. 

That's it really, they don't speak, they just look at each other with loud smiles in their faces, even though smiles don't have a sound. But they are worth more than words and that's all they need and want right now, not  breaking the comfortable silence, being mixed by the sound of the water.  Louis doesn't know how that sounds like music to his ears because the silence is predominant.

"You're so god damn beautiful, you know that, don't you Tomlinson?" Louis never heard Harry treating him by Tomlinson. But is enjoyable and Louis can't pull the thought about thinking that it sounds dirtier than it actually is, away.

"I-I don't... I-" He stops talking when hears Harry chuckling.

"You don't need to say anything." This time Harry's smile is sweet and Louis thinks he hears love coming out from it. Which is kinda impossible. He only nods as if he is answering at his best friend's cheesy comment.

The water was colder on his skin before, now it's fine and it seems like sometimes it burns, like Harry's eyes on him. Sometimes he can feel the rocks on the end of the lake, other times he needs to swim to keep on the surface. 

"How are you feeling?" Harry asks 

"Erm, normal I guess." Louis replies "You?"

Harry swims - when did he learn to swim? - towards the blue eyed boy and in a blink of an eye his body is feeling Harry's on his. It's soft and warm. Warm?

"I'm very well." Harry makes Louis looking at him by his chin. He's still with a smirk on his face and Louis needs to gulp looking at him that way. He feels exposed and it's not only because he is naked, however the rocks he is feeling on his back don't bother him. 

Harry leans over till the tip of their noses are touching "Harry..." Louis hears himself whispering

"Lou..." Harry's smile only disappears when his lips are touching Louis'. He moves softly and Louis didn't know that he could be this close from someone. How their bodies could be connected this well, always synchronized.

Harry's tongue is so wet and sweet. Harry tastes like apple and cinnamon and wow that reminds Louis autumn but he doesn't stop to think if it's possible to someone taste like that because it's so good. So good. 

Harry's hands are big and Louis likes the way he sinks his fingers on his arms and then on his hips. He also loves the way Harry's teeth bite his collarbones and Louis is falling in love for the marks Harry leaves on his body. The colour and shape are gorgeous. Harry is all gorgeous and is making Louis feel beautiful as well by spoiling him that way. 

Louis doesn't know what Harry is doing with him but god, it feels good. So good. 

Now he doesn't only hear the silence and the water, he also hears sounds coming from Harry's parted lips. Those pink and plump lips look so red and Louis asks himself if the sounds that are leaving from there have a colour and if that, if it'd be maroon. 

His veins are filled with pure pleasure and himself is making sounds. Weird sounds which he thinks are horrendous, however Harry whispers that they're beautiful and wants to hear more, more, more. He wants more and more and Louis gives him more because Harry is giving him everything. 

Louis asks himself if what he is feeling is right but then Harry is inking his skin with sweet and comforting words making his mind going blank. 

It's all  _HarryHarryHarry_  and that feels soft. Louis doesn't know how, but it feels soft. The feeling of their skin rubbing, the kisses they share, the promises they make are enormous and Louis only wants it faster, faster, faster and Harry gives him a race.

"Harry..." He moans and it's so loud that Harry needs to smile widely by the effect he is having on that beautiful, naked and fragile boy. Their body is trembling and they see fireworks. 

"God Louis!" Harry says and it's like a reply, a thank you even. A thank you for loving him and enjoying what he is doing. "Louis," he moans "Lou..." it's almost fading 

"Hmm..." Louis doesn't want it to stop, he wants to live this forever, he wants this feeling present all the time.

"Louis!" It was fading but now is loud

"Harry..."

"Louis, wake up!" Louis eyes shoot open and he almost falls from the bed when sees Harry's face near him with those green eyes wide open in surprise, probably. 

"What the hell!" He shouts, frighten. His heart is pounding on his chest, was he having a dream? 

"That's what I should say. Are you okay? Why are you calling me that way?" Harry frowns and looks at Louis with a weird expression, which Louis can't quite understand. He hopes he doesn't because he's starting to wake up and feeling like himself, which includes feeling the hardness on his boxers. 

"Oh god!" He sits up and his cheeks are probably red. He's been blushing too much and right now Harry is probably noticing his panicked face since the blinds are opened. He's regretting falling asleep last night after Harry coming to his house to tell him that they've passed the year so next year they're going to be seniors and starting twelfth grade. He's also regretting being only in underwear and not supporting the heat from August. 

"You're sweating..." Harry raises his hand to touch Louis 

"Don't," although Louis doesn't allow him to "don't touch me!" he says out of sudden, breathing heavily and leaving the curly haired boy with a confused and kinda hurt expression. 

"Lou?"

"I need to-Fuck, I have to use the loo" he desperately tries to get out of the bed, unwrapping the sheets carefully from around his waist

Louis isn't a lucky morning person, for sure, when Harry grabs his wrist and stops him from getting up. "What-" Somehow this sudden movements and the fact that Harry's hand is touching him makes Louis let out a moan and fuck he's not being careful at all. Harry's wide opened eyes travel from Louis' body - and no, Louis is looking directly at him and he can't look away, which makes all worst - and he notices the bulge "Why are you-Were you having-"

"Don't say it." Louis shuts his eyes in shame and releases his wrist from Harry. He doesn't waste time, once he is free, to walk away, as quickly as he can, from the room and shuts himself in his bathroom. 

He hates himself for having this kind of dreams with Harry these last months. They always seem so real and it's awful the fact that he loves them and it pleases him. Especially this one, it was almost as if he was actually smelling Harry, as if he was really being touched and feeling the warmth of his skin. It doesn't help when he allows himself having one of these while he's in the same bed as Harry. It's the worst and he can't stop thinking about these dreams and why the hell he is having them. 

Also, he hates himself for not lasting long with his hands around his length and having to think about his best friend while doing it. He should feel disgusted but unlike what he should, he only wished that those dreams could be real and he could be loud, loud at shouting and moaning Harry's name. His bottom lip is on the edge of bleeding when he bites it to contain the sounds coming from his mouth since Harry is on the next room and his family is in the house.

He passes his face from cold water, washing his hands, and brushing his teeth. He's almost afraid of walking to his room and face Harry and his questions, so he's quiet and walks slowly. his heart is still beating so fast and his legs are trembling.

He sees Harry sat on the edge of the bed looking at his lap, with the sun coming from the window hitting his beautiful profile. Louis is glad Harry doesn't give from his presence because if that he wouldn't be able to appreciate him like he is right now. When Louis is not around, when Harry thinks Louis is not around. It's probably Louis' imagination but he thinks Harry doesn't look the same when he's not with his best friend. It misses something, it misses the glow. 

Slowly, so slowly to the point of Louis almost not noticing, Harry raises his head to meet a pair of blue eyes on him "Erm, m-morning." Louis stammers and he doesn't know why and how he managed to speak. 

"Are you okay?" 

Louis gulps in dry "Yes, why wouldn't I be?" he chuckles to hide his discomfort, which is useless since Harry notices it when Louis is giving small and unsure steps towards him and doesn't know where to place his hands. Oh, also, Louis is not looking properly at him.

"Louis... What happened? You were-"

"Let's not talk about it!" Louis sighs. Harry probably knows what happened, he can't be that naïve and prude, he wished, though.. Well, the Harry from his dreams definitely isn't. He's always so dominant, always knowing where and how to touch Louis to make him feel good, always giving the first step, always teasing and just so different from the Harry Louis knows and at the same time not. Because it's the same Harry, with the same kind smile and looks the same way at Louis as he looks in real life.

Real life. 

Louis needs to remind himself about that sometimes, otherwise, he'd have kisses Harry in the most inopportune and weirdest times. Like when they're in the living room and he's talking with Louis, with their legs basically using only one side of the couch by how close they are, forgetting that his family is there. Or when they're at school and Harry is leading Louis to somewhere with their hands tangled in each other. Or, oh, right, when they're in bed and Harry is trying to cuddle with him - he got so much bigger - rubbing his body against Louis and oh shit, he just wants to stop him to crawl on top of him and just fuck him right there, with only a thin sheet covering their naked and sweaty bodies. 

Louis isn't himself, for a while now.

"Why aren't you talking with me?"

"I am talking with you, see?" Louis jokes with a smirk on his face. He must show that there's anything bothering him otherwise Harry thinks. He's making his best to keep things as they are

"What were you dreaming that made you that way?" god dammit. Harry never was one of asking this many questions, like this, but he is probably getting that Louis is hiding something from him. Something big, something that is making Louis crazy. Only if he knew that Louis yes is crazy, crazy about him and Harry is not helping at all. 

"Christ Harry. You never woke up that way before? We're boys remember?" Louis turns around to pick his clothes and says in his normal tone of voice because yes he can do it. It won't take that long to this crazy idea of him to disappear. He knows it. 

"Why were you saying my name then?"

"What the hell Harry!"

"You were moaning my name Louis." Louis turns around to look at Harry widely. Is he still dreaming? Well, he isn't because, if that, right now, Harry would be shoving his tongue down on his throat and pushing him against the wardrobe, not allowing him to breathe, after his comment.

"I-I..." He thanks to all the gods above with the sound of a knock at the door and a voice from behind the wood.

"Boys, time for breakfast! Don't make me go inside and drag you out of bed!" Fiona shouts. 

It wouldn't be the first time she'd do that. She knows they sleep together and never mentioned how weird she sees it. The day she found out was right in the second day Harry slept over. She only looked weirdly at it but let it go when thought they only fell asleep talking and ended up on the same bed. She didn't know that she was going to find them in the same position, side by side, sharing the same sheets and bed the next time she went to Louis' room to wake them up. She never questioned it, never commented it, what she thinks about it seems to be reserved only to herself. 

"We're coming mom," Louis shouts and is quick to turn around and open the door "Let's go!" He says and he hears Harry's steps behind him and Daisy's quiet noises as well coming from behind. With all of this he forgot that Daisy was still sleeping at the end of his bed with them.

He tries to get as quick as possible in the kitchen, ignoring the cold on his bare feet, just to avoid any possible conversation between the two on the way. When he gets there his family, apart from Carl, who he bets is doing a morning shift - last one, after that he's officially in vacations - , are sat on the table. 

"Morning!" the two of them say in chorus and sit on their usual seat next to each other.

"Morning boys," Fiona smiles to them and places their plates with pancakes in front of them, next to the orange juice. 

Peter smiles to both of the boys - he already calls Harry brother - and Zoe greets them as well. 

"You don't look good, Louis." Louis' sister comments with a smirk on his face. She's obviously teasing him. 

Louis didn't know this would ever happen, but since she kissed Harry and they fought and then solved it, Louis decided that his sister was the best person to talk about his problem. Harry's problem. So she basically knows half of the things. The things that bother Louis and he wished he wouldn't feel nor think about. God, he even wished he never started talking with his sister about this because that only means that is really bothering him to the point he can't stand it. He's also making it official and making it a big deal. This is actually a huge deal. 

"When doesn't he look, though?" Harry joins the party and Louis needs to roll his eyes.

"And when did you become such a tease, hum?" Louis says his thoughts out loud, not missing the look Harry gives him. The exact look he saw numerous times on his dreams and wow, doesn't that piss him off? Because he can't just rip it off by snogging that such pretty face of his. 

"I think you have to answer the questions I asked you first, don't you?" Harry smirks and what, no. Louis know he's still talking about the previous moment. The awkward moment and Louis only wants to forget it. So his mocking expression falls off when a stiff expression takes over his playful smile. He looks down and gives his attention to the delicious breakfast in front of him. 

He misses the weird look Zoe gives him and the concerned one from Harry. 

He also doesn't talk during breakfast. Harry gets everything so he doesn't speak to him neither, he chats with Louis' family instead. Mainly because they're talking about his birthday, which is next week, and if they're going to do like last year when they ended up doing a barbecue and going to town since it was a lovely summer night. 

Louis is glad that his thoughts are on Harry's birthday instead of the ones that have been tormenting him. He's also glad that their family reminded him indirectly because now he can think about a better present to Harry instead of a daisy, a walk on the park and fake kiss on the lips like he gives him every year. 

~*~

Louis hasn't seen Harry more than three hours the whole week till his eighteenth birthday. It has a good and bad side. The good one is that Louis can finally think about Harry without worrying about his best friend asking him what's going on with him, without things getting weird and without waking up sweating next to a shocked Harry while he is hard. He could also put his ideas in order about this subject. Well, kind of. He just tried to find a way not to mess things up. 

The bad thing is that he misses Harry a bit. A big bit. And he's also concerned about him because he's been spending the whole week at home with his parents. They've been through this a lot of times. Harry needs to stay some time at home so his parents won't twist their noise because of him and Louis. Besides, Harry does this so they see that he stays more time at home than the one he spends with Louis so they can travel the time they want, with sort of the idea that their son is at home. Doing nothing and being miserable. Oh, the sweet smell of knowing that his parents are only okay when their son is not. 

Harry learnt to keep his temper, especially when he's grown up now. Through the years he noticed that his temper with his parents can go down off the cliff. He needs to keep calm, to breathe and count to ten when they're saying shit to him. He makes his best not to show weak part like he used to. Louis always told him that it's okay to cry and Harry knows it is. But not in front of his parents so then they will throw it into his face to show him how weak he is. He won't give up again. He needs to keep his scars faded and not fresh. 

However, Louis still feels relieved when he answers Harry call and listens to him, hiccupping and talking everything he saved on his chest while listening to screams. Louis asks himself why? Why has Harry to go through all he has been since he knows the green eyed boy. Louis knows he doesn't deserve it, Louis knows he deserves everything good in the world and that's why Louis wants to take Harry away from here. Louis never said it out loud, never allowed it to leave his thoughts, but he wished he could get on a plane or on a bus with Harry and never come back. He would take him away from the darkness. Harry needs to go away from here.

Everything is okay when Harry is with him. But even then, Harry isn't with Louis all the time. So Louis wants it. Wants Harry all the time. So he can be happy not only sometimes.

Louis has his gift for Harry planned already, he just doesn't know if he has the courage to give him it. He is afraid. He has his reasons, really, not only for him but for his best friend. Let's face it, Louis cares way too much about Harry than himself. Even if that's something beautiful, something Harry needs, it's not something healthy. But then again, what's healthy in their friendship?

They need their own time alone, their time for themselves, but with them it's like the two are only one. It'd be good for them have different friends - especially for Harry because how is he going to learn dealing with people like this? But it's only Harry and Louis, Louis and Harry. Their life goes around the two together and that's it basically. They're the whole flower and not the petals and stalk of it. 

Louis never thought about it, but he likes this unhealthy thing. It makes him feel safe.

He sees Harry's parents going out of the house, the clock marks 6pm and that's just so fucking late for Louis. He only called Harry to wish a happy birthday and then his family made sure to speak on the phone, when they got to know that he was talking with Harry. That isn't enough. God, that's nothing. 

He told his mother that this year wouldn't be like last one and he also said to Harry to stay at home that when his parents went travelling, - probably for the rest of the holidays, till their school start, let's thank to the lord - he'd go to his house. He wants this day to be only him and Harry. He's turning eighteen, that's something big. Since Harry is not the kind of guy to go out and celebrate, neither is a guy to throw a party, Louis will throw a party himself. The guests include Daisy, because Louis is making sure to take her with him this time. So the three of them are going to have a nice time.

Somebody else would find this stupid but it's all they need and what Louis wants right now. He knows Harry will love it as well. After all, it takes part of their unhealthy relationship. 

So he puts everything he needs on his school backpack, no longer forgotten at the corner of his room, takes Daisy from his bed in one arm and goes downstairs. 

"Mom, I'm going!" He shouts. He's sure he hears his mother saying to send kisses to Harry, to bring him tomorrow and asking if he wants to take something to eat so he answers  _okay and no_ , before leaving.  

He runs through the street, ignoring Daisy's protests and when gets on the familiar door, he tries his best to take the keys from his pocket's jeans to open the door. "Harry?" he shouts putting the cat and his bag on the floor "Hazz?" He says in a mocking tone. 

He starts listening to loud noises coming from upstairs and he tries to contain his laugh, knowing Harry probably just fell and is running, barefoot, downstairs. 

"Lou!" He screams and jumps the stairs, not caring about the two left to get quicker to his best friends. He opens his arms in a dramatic way and Louis does the same to welcome his boy in his arms. 

He sure tries his best to lift Harry up from the floor but hell, he's heavier and taller than Louis so there's no way he'll do it. So it's Harry doing it, so Louis doesn't feel the floor beneath his feet and can only smell Harry's natural perfume and feel two strong arms around his waist - they usually like to pretend that Louis' garage is a gym since last year and the reality is that is making a better effect on Harry than on him. Probably because Louis is too busy noticing the way Harry's shirt sticks on his body, the way his face seems like he's getting off and the way he's breathing so heavily to the point of Louis wanting that to happen above or below him. 

"Happy birthday big boy!" Louis whispers on the crook of Harry's neck, placing a soft kiss there, as usual. 

"Yeah, I'm happy now." Harry says placing Louis on the floor but keeping his arms around him. Louis chuckles due his twist of words, but that doesn't stop him to also feel the twist on his chest. 

"So," Louis starts when pulls away "ready for the party?" he laughs, Harry joining him with a nod "We have two options, or we call for the pizza later so we only have to do the watermelon juice or we do everything on our own."

"First, you're lucky that I asked Barbara for some things from the grocery this morning and if you promise to help me cleaning afterwards, then let's do it."

~*~

They end up only keeping half of the pizza to eat it since the other half was overcooked. Cooking was never their good spot. But this time was only by chance, because everything was going all right, Harry was mostly doing a pretty job while Louis would give the ham to Daisy to eat. However, when they put it on the oven and started cleaning, they lost track of time - more like were too busy laughing by the mess they did and were doing while fighting with the flour - and left the pizza too much time there. 

They eat it on the floor from Harry's living room, with the TV on playing the lion king, since it's kind of the ritual since they're kids. Daisy is between them trying her luck to who can give her more pieces of meat and Harry's laptop above the coffee table for when they want to make a break and surf on the internet. 

"Are you going on vacations to Liverpool, this year?" Harry asks when the conversation goes to the fact that Harry still can't swim and Louis promised him so - that was when? ten years ago or so, but he still remembers. 

Louis shakes his head putting his plate on the side, leaving the crumbs to their cat "I talked to my mom and she decided that, this year, they're going to another place."

Harry makes a weird face, in confusion "Do you still have that summer house there? And they? You won't go?"

"Yes and no." Louis answers looking at the green eyed boy placing his plate on the floor as well and making Daisy stay away from it. "We still have our house there, of course, but this year they decided to go to Camber, probably to a resort, I don't know."

"Why aren't you going? You love travelling and if this year they're going to a resort, won't that be funnier?"

"Yeah but I prefer staying." With you he wants to say but-wait, why can't he say it? They never have that problem of wanting to say the things they've in their heads but keep in anyway. That's the good thing about their friendship "With you." So he completes

"Louis..."

"Harry..." Louis jokes and puts the TV on pause. He feels his hands sweating so he cleans them on his jeans, before passing them through his hair 

"You okay?" Harry asks looking weirdly at him

"Erm, yeah. Just, let's change to more comfortable clothes, okay?" he smiles a bit and Harry nods standing up from the floor and helping Louis doing it as well. 

They get to Harry's room and Louis opens his drawers, looking for what he wants. He finds Harry's - and his - favourite sweatpants and takes his jeans off. "I wanted to wear those this time." Harry protests looking at his best friend in only boxers. Louis feels his cheeks becoming hot by Harry's gaze on his body. He knows Harry is not intentionally looking at his body but it still makes him want to curl into a ball on the floor. It's a weird feeling and he shouldn't been feeling it because Harry is his best friend. Harry has seen him plenty of times naked and only in boxers so what's the deal?

"I got them first," there's no deal so that's why Louis also takes his boxers off with a smirk on his face - and well, if they had made rules, one of them would be about not allowing the other one smirking that way while stripping. 

"You always have to do that." Harry comments rolling his eyes and looking away from Louis to find some sports' shorts for himself. 

"My bad." Louis teases, laughing and leaves his t-shirt on.

"They stay big on you." Harry always points out the fact that the edge of the pants almost touch the floor but Louis always shrugs it off

"Fuck off." Louis tries to plays serious but then fails when laughs by Harry's indignant expression. 

This episode kinda made him relax a bit, so he doesn't feel the disgusting sweat on his palms, which is good. He doesn't even know why he is nervous and feeling his heart beating fast as if someone was invading the house. That's stupid, hun?

"So Harry," Louis starts when they sat back on the floor, Daisy already curled up on Harry's lap - Louis always protests about her being a fake friend since she lives under his roof but likes  Harry the most - and laptop above Louis' legs. "do you actually have, erm, the ingredients to make b-brownies?"

Harry raises his eyebrow and has a playful smile while looking at Louis, who for much of his surprise keeps his eyes on the screen from his laptop looking for something on google "What? You want to make brownies at 9pm now?" Harry laughs

"Well, kind of." Louis says biting down on his lip 

"How so, kind of?" Harry asks now, knowing that Louis is thinking about something. When Louis thinks, there's always a storm hovering them. Both. 

"Here's the thing," Now he meets Harry's eyes because, damn, what's the deal? "please don't be mad at me okay?" Harry frowns and Louis is really passing his message by his tone of voice "I found some weed on my drawer you see?"

"Louis-" Harry looks widely at him but Louis doesn't let him speak

"It was from Mickey, he asked me to save it for him and then it got forgotten there."

"When did he ask you for that? You barely talk to them now. Louis don't tell me you-"

"No! Harry, I swear I'm not doing drugs again. He only asked me that, some months ago, I can't even remember why we were talking, but that doesn't matter now." He tries to ignore Harry's worried face "The thing is... why don't we-we try?" Harry's expression changes from worried to shocked in seconds

"Are you mad?" he almost shouts, making Daisy jumping out of his lap to lay down on the armchair next to the couch

"Probably, but Harry is just this time. Just for the fun, you see? It won't be bad for you, I mean, it'll be only your first and last time doing it."

"No way Louis, besides I don't want you in that again." Louis knows touching this subject would make Harry this way.

"C'mon Harry. You're eighteen, I'm almost nineteen, it's just this time. Just for the experience, what's wrong with wanting to do something different?"

"Louis, no."

"Please Harry. I promise it'll be only this time, mainly because I won't have more and I need to get ride of this. It won't be bad, I promise."

"Don't promise anything, please." Harry rolls his eyes and looks away from his best friend

"Harry..." Louis waits for listening his own name coming from the curly haired boy but anything comes "Oh c'mon are you going to be upset for asking this? Only because I wanted to free yourself a bit?"

"Oh please," Harry looks back at him "that's wrong Louis and it's not freeing myself."

"And what's the thing about being wrong? I think it won't hurt nobody if we do something wrong, I mean, it won't be the first time." Like kissing your best friend, Louis thinks "At least it would make us forget about all the shit for a while, we'd have a laugh and tomorrow we'd deal together with the new shit we made due it."

Harry presses his lips tightly in a straight line, looking at Louis. The face he is making is the one Harry can't resists and wow he can't believe what is about to come from his lips "All right." He's up for doing something wild "Just promise you, we, won't do this ever again" He says seriously

"I promise." Louis nods

Harry sighs "Search how to make brownies, because I don't have the recipe" 

"That was what I was looking for!" Louis says laughing while Harry still doesn't look so sure about all of this. 

~*~

After Louis walks back to the mess that is the kitchen, with a small bag in hands with the weed, Harry bites his tongue not to protest and being against it, changing his mind. And Louis actually waits for it while putting it on the mixture and even when they're about to bake it all because if Harry had spoken that he didn't want to go forward with this, Louis would have listen this time. He doesn't really want to be seen like the person who forced his friend to eat brownies with weed. Louis cares so much for Harry that he would really listen him out if he really didn't want to do that.

However, Harry's protests don't come and he might confess that he is nervous but still excited to taste it and feeling the effects of the drug. Louis laughs by Harry's face from the obvious surprise by his own words, but even then asks him if he's really sure about it, that they don't need to do it and Louis was stupid for insisting. Harry says _fuck it, let's do it_  and this time Louis doesn't laugh, he looks widely with his mouth opened like an "o" because it's not usual for Harry swearing. 

"I hope we didn't cook them too much like we did with the pizza" Harry says while Louis puts the brownies on the balcony using a glove. "They sure smell weirdly." Harry twists his nose looking at the brown bricks, like he calls it on his mind. 

"I like it, it seems okay." Louis says and they both look at them and laugh due their faces. Afterwards, Harry helps Louis putting them on a plate and they bring it to the living room and god, it's all a mess. The kitchen is so dirty and on the living room, the pillows that are supposed to be on the couch are on the floor, joining to the plates and glasses. 

Harry makes sure to bring more water with him in case he doesn't like the taste, making Louis laugh by his cuteness. "Okay, let's do it yeah?" Louis asks his best friend, always with a grin on his face. He doesn't know why he is smiling this much, probably to hide his nerves that are still threatening him. 

"Erm, yeah..." Harry says and sees Louis taking one piece and giving a bite, humming with the taste. 

Louis rests his back on the couch behind and spreads his legs on the floor. The Lion king II is on again now but is probably going to be forgotten. "Go on" Louis hands Harry the plate while finishing his piece

Harry doesn't hesitate now and grabs one brownie, taking it straight away towards his mouth and chewing it. "Doesn't taste that bad, since we suck in the kitchen." He laughs 

"I agree," Louis says grabbing another piece

"I'm not feeling anything, you know?" Harry frowns when finishes his first brownie. "Do I need to eat another one?"

"You're not smoking it Harry, so the effect is not immediate. Probably in an hour or two you will feel it" Louis laughs "And don't eat more than two, maybe, or you'll get too stoned." 

"Two hours?" Harry says grabbing another one from the plate "That's way too long." Louis laughs again shrugging.

"Patience, my friend." Louis smirks

~*~ 

Two hours and three and a half brownies each later, Harry and Louis are with their faces literally in front of the TV, wondering how it would be feeling the fur from Kovu, the lion. Daisy is the only thing close to it and when they start stroking her soft fur, she gets tired of it after some minute so runs away from the two boys. They giggle by the way she runs, the way her paws touch the wooden floor - which has a beautiful colour and texture, they find out - and the way her fuzzy tail moves in the air. 

"We should have more cats, Lou." Harry says, supporting himself with his hands behind his back, with his arms stretched 

"I'm not able to have cats, Harry." Louis laughs

"Nor lions?" Harry pouts looking at his best friend, who has the most comic face ever

"I'm afraid not."

"That makes me wanna cry." Harry fakes being sobbing, covering his face with his hands and Louis gets closer to him, to pat his back

"Oh baby, it's fine. We'll go to the zoo."

"Promise?" Harry raises his face and Louis keeps his arm around his shoulders. 

"Promise." Louis grins widely, patting Harry's head. However, he stays a bit more time to feel Harry's curls between his fingers. The way they curl on them, the way it feels, how soft they are, how he wants to pull them out and just burry his face to smell the sweetness. "God," Louis shuts his eyes with a pleasant smile on his lips.

"Lou..." Harry whispers, waking Louis up from the small trance.

"How many times did we watch this today?" Louis asks pointing at the TV and grabbing the control remote, ready to turn it off "I'm tired of watching things I can't touch." Harry laughs due his comment "Let's watch something else."

"Like what?" Harry says, extending the 'a' from the last word. Louis brings the laptop to his thighs and giggles due the warmness "Lou, I want to move, I don't want to stay sat on the floor watching stupid things." He sights.

"Oh, but this won't be stupid." He comments, not taking his eyes off from the screen, probably because of the light. "You'll enjoy it." Louis says and feels Harry's head on his shoulders now, when he gets closer. His hair tickles the side of his neck and wow, is he seeing stars?

"What is it then?"

"I want to watch porn." 

"Wh-porn?" Harry asks looking at Louis typing on google some website. 

Louis nods with a grin "I feel like it. It'll be fun watching it with you."

"I don't like the one you watch Lou." Harry pouts and places his hands above Louis' to stop him. He might brush his fingertips on the skin he can reach, but that's kind of usual for them. 

"Oh," Louis stops grinning "well maybe we can watch the one you watch."

"God, really?" Harry pulls away from Louis shoulder and stops touching his hand, which makes Louis miss the touch more than he usually does

"Yeah," Louis bites his bottom lip "I wanna try it."

Harry giggles, probably answering him - there's nothing to answer anyway. He takes the laptop from Louis' lap and puts it above the coffee table and starts searching for what he wants. He's quick, too quick even, to find the video he wants to. 

They don't even care about the noise that might come from it, - for them it's even too low but they won't take risks raising the volume to the maximum - Harry presses play and the moment the video starts he's grinning - like it's really funny - and Louis' mouth is wide open. 

"You're gonna love it," Harry says and Louis needs to forget about it and focus on the way Harry says those words. It's actually funny and he seems so excited for it, it's like he's watching a movie he was waiting for a long time, for the first time, so Louis laughs. Harry shushes him right away and makes him turn his attention to the two guys on the video.

Their faces aren't showing but Louis focus on the way the one on top sits on the other one's spread legs and places one hand on his back. Louis can't think about anything else but the way his hands pass through his partner's sculpted, tanned back. Louis is seriously amazed by how hot he finds that muscular back, with soft skin. He likes the sound of the other guy's hand passing through the boy's spine from the bottom and also thinks it's in a tender way. He likes it. 

Then he focus on the way the top guy spreads the lube on his fingers and how it looks like. It almost makes him want to have it on his fingers. He observes the guy's next moves, how his finger disappears inside the other one, the way he makes it as if he's making art, the way it reappears and goes deep down again, disappearing completely. 

The sounds he listens to makes him feel something on his chest, makes him want to listen to them closer, near his ear and he almost wants to do it himself, making that boy moan loudly. So he observes attentively till the last finger and the last heavy breathe till the bottom guy pants in need and the top one whispers encouraged but lovely and still hot words to him. 

Louis can't control his breathe anymore when sees the top guy adjusting himself and feeling every piece of skin of his partner and places then his hands on his hips, ready to fuck him. God, Louis never saw a guy fucking another guy, specially this way and wow does he wanna try it? He just wants to know how the feeling is because the two guys seem to enjoy it too much

He looks at his side where Harry is, till now he had almost forgotten about him. Harry's chest is going up and down quickly by breathing heavily. His red eyes are focused on what is happening on the screen, his lips are parted and Louis watches how he passes then his tongue through his bottom one and then shuts his mouth, only to bite it. He sees Harry's body moving and goes down with his eyes to Harry's crotch. The bulge is obvious and he sees Harry's hand placing above it, moving it slowly, discreetly, almost as if he was just patting the fabric from his shorts.

Harry is enjoying it as much as Louis and he never, never saw his best friend that way - or maybe he did, but that was just a dream - so out of himself, so wild and crazy. Craving for something he is not sure what might be and if he will ever get it. 

It's so hot, so freaking hot that when Louis brushes his hand above his pants, not controlling his movements, without intention then, the contact is such that makes everything on his body tremble in need "Oh my god," He moans and that makes Harry stop his own moves and looking at the blue eyed boy next to him. 

He says something, but he stutters in a way that is impossible for Louis to understand what he is saying - he can't concentrate. "I know..." so Louis says, answering at something he didn't get, but is sure was about how Harry is feeling. It has to be, otherwise he doesn't care, it doesn't matter, he'll pretend it was. 

Harry nods and Louis bites his lip "You're so fucking hot." it comes out from Louis' lips and wow Harry moans due his words and that's the most beautiful sound Louis had ever heard.

Damn he wants to listen to it on replay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this chapter at 3am and needed to finish here for many reasons oops
> 
> Okay listen guys, first i never ate brownies with week so i just searched and idk if what i wrote is okay or not but whatever (by the way the weed is not Harry's present hahah)
> 
> second idk if the next chapter will be private or not (you all know what's going to happen i mean, it's obvious and you all know it) if that, I will put on my page, but i'll still make my best not to make it private.. 
> 
> Last but not least i don't know if i'll be able to update again this week, because i'm leaving home on Thursday but then Sunday I have the boy's concert (omg i'm so excited wow) and i'm leaving on Saturday. I've got plenty of things to do before going and idk if i'll make the chapter i'm expecting to write in these two days (since i only write at night and i've been having a lot of blocks)
> 
> That's it , thank you for voting and giving me your time by commenting, i adore this fic and adore you all ! Have a nice week.xx


	19. Baby doll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Gods and monsters by Lana Del Rey
> 
> Liar and the lighter by gabrielle aplin 
> 
> A sky full of stars by Coldplay

(shout out to ass-crack-of-dawn for sending me this pic that reminded her the bath scene, OMG IT'S BETTER THAN I IMAGINED WHILE WRITING IT, THANK U) 

 

_"_ _I know..." so Louis says, answering at something he didn't get, but is sure was about how Harry is feeling. It has to be, otherwise he doesn't care, it doesn't matter, he'll pretend it was._

_Harry nods and Louis bites his lip "You're so fucking hot." it comes out from Louis' lips and wow Harry moans due his words and that's the most beautiful sound Louis ever heard._

_Damn he wants to listen to it on replay._

Louis places his hand on the floor, to sport the weight from his body. The way Harry is looking at him is hypnotizing, he doesn’t even care if it’s the drugs, damn, he even forgot that he’s high, clearly. He forgot a lot of things actually.

He gets closer and closer and that never was a problem for them but this time Harry tries not to step that line. The line that separates what they truly are from what they can’t be. Well… what they can’t be in both their minds, even if Louis wished they could be that and more. He wants to discover the impossible with Harry and their feelings. But they’re best friends and Louis always reminded Harry of that. Harry has got in his head, that word is painted there to remind him every day. They have such a wonderful friendship that this poison could ruin everything, could make it, them, die.

Louis notices Harry pulling away but he doesn’t give up. Somehow, they both stumble on their own hands and, by being clumsily, Harry almost falls down on the floor, only holding himself by his elbows. Louis needs to support himself with his both hands next to Harry’s torso, with his both legs next to Harry’s thigh.

“I feel like I’m forgetting something important.” Louis whispers and his voice breaks a bit by the desire of wanting to giggle. The situation is funny, bizarre but hot in his mind.

“Like,” Harry coughs “your sexuality.” He answers Louis’ question, which Louis wasn’t expecting to. He even laughs a bit now. Harry could have answered that he forgot to clean the kitchen, to pick the left brownies from the floor because they never know when Daisy decides to reappear or even mention the fact that Louis forgot to pause the video on the laptop so now the moans from the two guys are vibrating around the room and with their hormones.

Louis probably shows that more than Harry but it’s driving him crazy, he has this urge of touching himself, touching anything because he – they – feel like something is disturbing the blood from his - their - veins – and it really is – making him - them - feel different things.

“Oh Harry,” Louis keeps laughing and he’s leaning over, though he stops midway to look at Harry. The look he gives at his best friend is the kind of look you wouldn’t resist and he looks so gorgeous that it pains Harry. Really, it does. “you know nothing.” Louis comments and Harry would be surprised by his words if he wasn’t under the effect of the brownies.

“You don’t know how hard this has been, how suffocating it is” Louis keeps speaking. This time, Harry’s expression is almost blank, only because he is too concentrated on listening to those words and ink them on his skin. Yet, it’s so hard to get them and maybe that’s why Harry feels fascinated.

“I want to be craved by you.” Louis’ hands pass through the fabric of Harry’s shirt. He presses enough so Harry can feel his fingers on his skin, tickling him. A touch like this, to Harry, makes him shiver, a shiver that not even rubbing his skin hard would fade. The words Louis spoke make his mouth dry asking for something and yet, not water. It’s all so overwhelming at this point. “I want you to think about kissing me as much as I think about kissing you.” Louis’ fingers are on Harry’s lips now and the moment happens in such a fracture of time that neither of them lives it.

Louis draws Harry’s lips, touches them in such a tender way that would make a cat purr. He likes touching them, feeling that skin under his fingertips and it’s not only because the drugs make him that way, it’s the drugs mixed with his own and real desire. Dangerous.

Louis’ index travels through Harry’s bottom lip and slides down to his chin, only to make him change to his thumb to go from his top, to again bottom lip. Harry feels the need to wet his cracked lips, making Louis feel his wet tongue and wow, what is this?

“Harry…” Louis whispers and it’s impressing how he didn’t forget about this… the thing he does when wants Harry to kiss him, how his voice turns out and how he calls his best friend’s name in need. Amazing that he always expects Harry to kiss him and never did it himself by fear. Not from rejection, from lost. “Harry, please.” He says when Harry keeps looking at him without saying a word.

Their foreheads are almost touching and Louis can’t move right now, even if his arm already hurts by being supported on either Harry’s side. But he keeps his hand on Harry’s face, cupping his jaw and his thumb almost at the corner of Harry’s lip, more precisely.

“I wanna kiss you so badly and I’m feeling so weird.” He whimpers, it’s all so dizzy and if it wasn’t for Harry he’d be laid down on the floor trying to catch the stars above his head. “Let me.” he says and for what it seems, he isn’t afraid of anything at the moment. The desperation is as obvious as the idea that Harry is not going to kiss him.

Louis leans over when doesn’t get a response. He pecks Harry’s lips in his finger one last time, he wets his own and leaves a sigh, a sigh that he was holding for so long.

His lips connect with Harry and they fit so well against each other. Harry’s are full and plump and Louis’s are thin and pouty. The feeling of his lips on Harry’s feel more irresistible this time but he wants to feel everything. He wants to make his dreams reality and right now he only has 1/5 of it.

He sucks Harry’s bottom lip, trying to make the other boy responding. He needs his touch like he needs air in his lungs to breath. Harry is basically his air and lugs together. Harry holds his life like Louis holds his since the day they met and they don’t even take the time needed to appreciate it.

He just stays there, feeling their lips together then, but the adrenaline comes back when Harry moves his own lips, telling Louis that he shouldn’t have stopped. He’s so clumsily trying to kiss Louis back but it makes the blue eyed boy so crazy. So Louis kisses him properly, holding him by his jaw, hard and furiously.

It’s enough for Harry to free himself – like Louis wanted at the beginning, perhaps – and falling with his back on the floor after stop supporting himself on his elbows. He takes Louis with him though, wrapping his arms around his curvy and tinier body, making them crash chest to chest. Louis smirks between and bites on Harry’s lip, drawing away teasingly and letting Harry following it. He dives back, mouth parted and curls his tongue in, tracing Harry’s redder lip.

When their tongues meet, it’s slick and soft, slow and sensual. Full of pleasure and desire, allowing only pants, huffs and small moans being between them. There’s no wall stopping them and Louis can feel Harry in himself, going inside of his soul by his gentle moves. Harry has his arms around Louis so tightly, holding him in place and Louis keeps on his hands still on Harry’s flushed cheeks and the other moves down on his hip. He lets his thumb go under his shirt to draw invisible circles in Harry’s skin. He always loved the noticeable bone Harry has.

“I love kissing you,” Louis says between their wet lips. He doesn’t wait for any respond, he just wanted to say that because he doesn’t stop kissing his best friend. He licks Harry’s mouth, sucks his tongue, he proper snogs the younger boy. It’s so dirty yet so intimate. “I love every piece of you.” He says afterwards, when his hands are travelling Harry’s body. The thoughts that were tormenting Louis this past months don’t come this time when he thinks he only wanted this boy naked so he could proper touch him.

“Lou…” Harry moans and Louis pulls away, disconnecting their sticky, red and wet lips. Louis cleans his own saliva, mixed with Harry’s probably, from the corner of Harry’s mouth.

By this time Louis is already above Harry and no one knows when Louis parted his legs to be with his crotch touching Harry’s. But he’s literally laid down on the boy’s body and it’s so warm and Louis just wants to touch him, in every possible way, since the dirtiest to the kindest. Just to feel him there. He’s full of energy and so excited with the moment that he doesn’t want to stop.

“Yes baby?” Louis’ voice is supposed to come out soft, slow and low but it probably doesn’t. They keep looking at each other and Louis can’t pull any more away because if that, he wouldn’t feel Harry’s hot breathe.

“Kiss me more. Don’t stop.” Harry begs, his tone is literally from someone who is begging and that turns Louis on so much.

Louis doesn’t need to say anything else, he sits on the boy’s lap, with his legs still parted, only to grab him by his collar, bring him up and join their lips again. Harry tries his best to compose himself and brings his back to rest it on the bottom of the sofa, behind him and Louis intertwines his legs on Harry’s waits. His hands drive to Harry’s curls and he grabs a fist of them to keep kissing hard Harry’s wonderful lips.

“Take off my shirt,” Louis says breathless. He is so out of the world. And apparently, Harry is as well because at the moment he hears those words he takes his hands to the end of Louis’ shirt and takes it off to join their lips again.

Louis freezes when Harry’s soft and warm hands touch his bare skin. He literally stops while their lips are still connected and Harry keeps kissing him – doing it better and better each minute it passes. Because Harry is so kind and tender and Louis always loved when Harry touched him, to cuddle with him in bed, to hug him, to hold him, to just feel his presence, to brush away the locks of Louis’ hair that were in front of his head – his fingertips always cold on winter – anything would be good. But this time is different. Almost as when they kissed in the bathtub.

This time the drug makes everything better, makes them feel the tinniest feeling on their body the best. This time they aren’t kissing to make the other feel better, they aren’t kissing like best friends, they aren’t kissing while lying to themselves. This time they are sharing the same intimacy, yes, but their heads are functioning in a different way. They are expressing, Louis is expressing what he feels and wants through the kiss.

“Louis…” Harry protests still kissing Louis hard on the mouth, when the blue eyed boy froze. However, he doesn’t stop, he keeps moving his lips and touching Louis’ naked torso with his hands. Feeling what Louis hides, invading Louis’ privacy in a lovely and welcome way.

Harry holds Louis' hands and intertwines them only to lead them to the end of his own shirt as well so Louis can take it off. That makes Louis wake up and move his fingers to pull the shirt off from Harry’s head and throw it away. He grabs Harry’s cheeks in both his hands and join their foreheads, biting his bottom lip.

“I want to do with you what the guy in the video did with the other” Harry mouth falls open while listening to the dirty words and Louis smirks with the effect “I want to be the first one making you feel this good. The first one touching you.” He leans over and takes advantage of Harry’s opened mouth, to trace his tongue along Harry’s lip and lick the inside of his mouth, feeling the warmness of his tongue in his. “I want you to moan my name so loud to make sure you’re enjoying it. To make sure you’re mine.” His own words make his voice sound like he’s being fucked. The image of him on top of Harry making all the things he saw and enjoyed in the video just makes him harder and he’s so thankful for being only in sweatpants “Harry, fuck, please… let me do it. Let me feel you.” He holds Harry by the back of his neck “I want that so badly, I want-“

His words are gulped when Harry crashes their lips together pressing his fingers on Louis’ skin and he is hurting Louis, but he likes that pain.

“You’re so hard already,” Louis moans, not having control when starts rubbing himself on Harry’s crotch, feeling his hardness “fuck, so hard for me baby.” Harry moans, shutting his eyes tightly as well as pressing his fingers on Louis.

“L-Lou…” Louis notices how Harry shuts his eyes tightly and pushes his head back, almost resting it on the seat from the couch, while moving his hips along with Louis to create more friction. “Lou, it feels good.” Harry almost whimpers with the contact and Louis finds it and his words so innocent that Louis can’t wait to fuck the innocence away.

Louis leans over to suck Harry’s neck, since he gave him the proper angle to do it “I know,” he breathes on Harry’s skin “I know baby.” He repeats, his voice weak from the pleasure “I can’t wait to see you naked.” Louis teases, making Harry moan again.

Harry composes his head and looks at Louis again. His hands that were before placed on Louis’ hips, are now heading to Louis’ cheeks, cupping both. It’s Harry’s time to lick his lips and looking at his best friend in lust. He leans over quickly to press their lips together, by the lack he was having already. Louis is taken back with the move but he enjoys the power Harry is having on him right now. He starts moving his hands through Louis’ torso to grab the start of his – apparently their – sweat pants.

“And I can’t wait to see you naked, either.” Harry whispers and smirks this time between their lips.

This is the time when Louis starts doubting and asking himself if this is a dream so he stops again, he freezes one more time. It’s all too much and the drug makes him feeling it harder. Harry doesn’t notice this time, he caresses Louis’ skin from his hip and grabs him to sit him a bit further from his crotch to be easier to take off his bottoms. It’s so clumsily because he tries to be a mixture of gentle to desperate and Louis isn’t helping that much but Harry does it and even smiles looking at Louis’ body.

“So beautiful,” Louis thinks he hears Harry whispering to himself. Harry has said it many times – however Louis had reminded him more, if someone was counting – but this time is obviously different, because this time Louis feels so exposed but still so pleased to hear it.

Both don’t know how their lips are attached to each other again and how Harry got the strength to put Louis on his lap one more time. They don’t understand how Louis intertwined his legs around Harry’s waist so then Harry could lift him up. Of course they stumbled and almost hit the floor again if it wasn’t from the wall not so far from them, next to the TV. So Louis has Harry pressed against his naked body while his back hits a cold wall. The shock his such, Harry’s fingers are so deep under his thighs, his lips are so harshly begging from more contact, Harry movements on his hardness are making him moan so loud that Louis could come all over the place right now.

“Jesus Louis the sounds that come from you…” Harry groans “I wanna hear them more, mo-more and…” he doesn’t finish his sentence, he can’t. Louis has dropped his own pleasure on Harry’s veins that makes him insanely pleased.

He gives one more push against Louis’ body, so Louis’ parted legs and their hardnesses brush on each other, till he starts walking backwards carrying Louis. His legs hit the big and large couch so at the same instant he feels it, he lays down with Louis above him.

“I do. I do want you to make me those things Louis. I want you to touch me and I want to make you feel good.” Louis needs to look at the boy beneath him in awe. His own words were so dirty but Harry speaks these in such a tender and lovely way that is almost unfair.

Louis smiles “I need you naked.” He says and slides his hands down to Harry’s shorts and makes his best to take them off along with Harry’s briefs. So they’re both naked, their already sweaty skin is marking the other, they’re so close that Louis needs to take a deep breathe to calm himself down and not black out “Is this a dream?” he whispers under his breathe, not sure if Harry listens to it or not.

The next few moment they’re only looking at each other in the eyes, sharing words unspoken, speaking up their fears and confessions that make them too afraid to say it out loud. It’s like they aren’t even stoned because the moment is so beautiful, so warm and intimate that no one would ever imagine that it’d be possible, even coming from someone sober.

“Your eyes are so beautiful.” Harry says, bringing Louis’ face closer to him with his own hands resting on his flushed cheeks. “I’m drowning on them. I’m drowning on you.” Harry says in the most honest tone and gaze possible and Louis feels like crying, he feels such weird things inside of him. Things he can’t describe but are making him sink more with the feeling.

“Harry…” Louis gasps and their lips are locked again. Furiously, in need, lust and passion. There’s anything around them besides that feeling. The pain that the force of their lips make together and the ache they feel when their hips move in synchrony but at the same time the need to control it.

“I don’t…” Harry tries to talk, eyes shut, voice weak, lips parted with Louis’ tongue tasting his mouth. “I don’t–I don’t know what to do. B-But I want it.” He breathes heavily and Louis looks at his best friend with his pupils dilated and enjoys the vision of his red lips, small drops of sweat streaming down his temple and face showing him how much he is enjoying all of this.

Louis kisses his cheeks, then his forehead and caresses his hair, putting on the side the small locks of hair from the front of his forehead.

“Turn your back for me baby.” Louis whispers sweetly and Harry opens his eyes right away. He looks lost, it’s probably the drug, because Louis’ eyes show the same.

Harry nods and Louis awkwardly tries to step away from Harry’s lap so the boy can lay face down, showing him the pale skin from his back with the visible muscles. It helps the fact that the couch is large and could suit as a bed. Louis sits above his legs and his mouth his opened like an “o” with the sight. He massages Harry’s spine, creating the sound he heard and enjoyed from the video, when the top guy did the same with the other. Harry shivers with the whole touch and one of Louis’ hands grabs Harry’s hips while the other one travels up to Harry’s mouth

“Suck it.” He demands and feels Harry’s warmness around his finger, his tongue travelling around the length of his index and he takes it out from Harry’s lips, making a “pop” sound and moaning imagining his finger being his cock.

Louis never did a similar thing to this but he was attentive enough to the video to understand what he needs to do. He knows what this is and he is way too excited.

He tries to part Harry’s butt cheeks with one hand and hears the younger boy leaving from his mouth a humph by the cold and contact probably.

“God,” Louis gulps with the desire to fuck Harry right now by the vision. He goes with his finger to Harry’s hole making the boy trembling underneath him. He pushes it deep down, not worrying about anything.

He hears Harry’s sounds attentively, making notes and he’s sure they’re not the same moans he heard the bottom guy leaving while he watched the video. Harry doesn’t protest so Louis moves to two fingers, feeling Harry’s warmness and wetness around them. That makes Harry escape from his lips a scream and Louis is sure that it’s from pain, but he keeps working with his fingers. He pulls them out and then in automatically, trying to make circles around the hole to open it up for him.

He leans over to kiss Harry’s back, along his spine, trying to calm down the curly haired boy. He looks at his face and sees Harry biting his lip, with the corner of his eyes wet and sweating even more. His face his crashed against the couch and he notices the way Harry is gripping with his hands the edge of the couch.

When Louis starts moving his fingers faster and then changing to slow but deep Harry’s sounds finally sound right.

“Oh my god…” He moans loudly “do it one more time.” He desperately says and it’s almost impossible to understand what he’s saying. However, somehow, Louis does what he asks for and in a rush shoves one more finger inside of Harry.

Louis listens carefully Harry’s loud sounds when he moves his three fingers down on him, feeling himself touching something weird. He sees the way they disappear on Harry’s, now more stretched hole and he only doesn’t touch himself right away because in the same moment, he needs to grab Harry’s hip with his other hand to keep him still, since the green eyed boy tries to find friction on the couch.

“Just wait a bit, doll.” Louis moans, not realising the new pet name he just used on Harry. Although, Harry enjoyed it when Louis is sure he just hears him breathing out  _call me that again_. So he leans over to his ear, still working with his fingers, his hardness rubbing on Harry’s pale back and whispers “I know you want me baby doll, just be patient.”

After that it only takes him three hums from Harry to make him losing control and reach his own patience. He takes his fingers out and it’s almost sad the sound Harry makes from the emptiness he might feel, but it’s probably forgotten when Louis turns him around, to face him, almost harshly.

“Hmm,” Louis smirks tasting Harry from his fingers, making sure the other boy sees it all. Harry bites his bottom lip, till it turns white and Louis reaches for Harry’s thighs to spread them so he can place himself between the naked boy. He caresses Harry’s cheek and smiles fondly at the boy “So pretty for me, so ready…” Louis whispers and who would say he’s eighteen years old.

“Lou…”

“Harry…” Louis leans over to peck Harry’s lips one more time on his. “I’m gonna do it, okay?” He presses their foreheads together and slides his hand down between their bodies to touch his member. He moans and shuts his eyes tightly, then Harry puts his legs around Louis’ waits, lifting himself up a bit and that’s his answer for Louis. Saying that he is truly ready. Louis kisses Harry’s cheek and tries to find his way to Harry’s hole.

Louis is not himself when he feels the tightness and warmness around him, he barely listens even. He sees fireworks, his whole body shivers and he needs to hold himself on Harry to keep conscious. “You feel so good…” Louis breathes out, now with his head rested on the crook of Harry’s neck.

“Louis, it hurts.” Harry’s voice cracks and he looks up at his face to see tears streaming down his face. Louis brings his thumb across his cheek, under his eyes to clean up the salty water.

“I’m sorry baby.” He whispers and kisses Harry’s lips, going deeper. He keeps kissing the younger boy, mainly because he hopes that this way his pain will go away and he won’t need to catch his breath, so Louis gives his own.

He kisses Harry’s whole face, he kisses Harry’s neck in the gentlest way possible, he finds details on Harry’s body he thought that they never existed, he hears sounds from Harry’s lips that he thought he’d only hear on his dreams.

“Louis…” He hears Harry’s loud voice and Louis gives with himself already moving in and out from Harry, slowly, but still going all the way down. “Louis, wait…”

“I’m sorry…” Louis pants “I can’t, I’m so sorry…” He moans with the pleasure is going through his whole body. He probably isn’t full award, by his state, that Harry is a virgin and he needs, at least he needs to try to control himself and be careful and gentle. However, he is award that he is being the first one touching Harry, making him feel this way, being this close to him… because Harry gives himself to Louis fully, he trusts Louis so hard that he’s capable to do anything and that occupies a big space on Louis’ mind, it drives him crazy.

“Is gonna be okay,” He holds one of Harry’s thighs still around his hip and the other one cups Harry’s cheek only to be close, to have a gentle touch between this whole mess and sin.

That’s it, they’re poisoning and there’s nothing they can do about it. They’re doing it, they’re doing it together and Louis knows it when hears Harry’s desperate sounds, when feels Harry’s hands in his back tightly, when feels Harry crashing their lips together so he can stop his cries and relief himself from the pain.

 The drugs make them feel everything that wasn’t supposed to feel, feel things that maybe weren’t made to feel this good but Louis can only hear the way Harry’s moans and pants hit his lips, the way his chest goes up and down quickly between them, the way he sees Harry’s green eyes disappear and it’s so different from when they used to disappear when they were in bed ready to sleep.

Harry can’t say a word even if Louis expected him to tell him how it is being for him, what he is feeling, what he wants Louis to do for him. But Louis keeps whispering words to him while he goes faster, harder and deeper.

_You’re so good for me._

_You feel wonderful._

_You look so beautiful underneath me baby doll._

_You’re doing it amazing._

And it’s crazy the fact that even stoned he still cares this way about Harry, cares first about him than about himself, because it costs him to talk, it’s painful even and if it wasn’t for his best friend he would go so much faster and wouldn’t even give to the work to give him sweet pecks on his lips and caress him, exploring his body affectionately apart from his movements. Because Harry is still his world and Louis is holding it whole, having such a big responsibility on his hands that if it was someone else would run or give up. But Louis just wants to share everything with Harry, wants live the best moments of his life with him, wants to be Harry’s life as well and wants to make part of every important moment.

He feels like this time he is truly drowning, he even sees everything blurry, he listens a croaky voice calling him  _LouisLouisLouis_  repeatedly leaving small breathes out of his lips. Louis knows is Harry but their voices mix in the air and both see fireworks, both part their red lips to leave a loud but beautiful sound come out and it’s all a mess, it’s all so quickly.

Louis falls down and feels something sticky on his chest and then a kiss being placed on his hair “Harry…” he calls his best friend weakly. When he looks up, Harry gives him a tired smile, eyes cracked open but still glowing a green colour out of them “I hope I look beautiful enough for you,” the words come out from nowhere out of his mouth “I hope I glow in your eyes, I hope you want to fall asleep next to me forever.” He confesses.

And that’s not only a confession to Harry, is to himself as well, because maybe, along all those terrifying thoughts that were tormenting his head about all the possibilities behind Harry not wanting him like he thought and wanted, the thing he always thought about but never took the time to examine, was the fact that he thought that Harry deserved a lot better. Didn’t deserve to lose Louis’ friendship because of Louis’ feelings. Because of Louis’ desires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amazing how i always write their first time when they're drunk (and this time high) on my books. AHHH i need to stop it. Though, this was so different from the previous things i've wrote, hope it's okay!
> 
> So i apologized for the wait but this weekend was NUTS for me. I waited more than twelve hours to see the boys, i needed to pee and it was freaking hot. People were fading and feeling sick and i had two panic attacks. Guys it was awful and i just wanted to go away and i didn't even get to see them >.


	20. Together let's...

Louis wakes up sweating, he feels something hot next to him and he asks himself why the hell did he covered himself last night with the sheets, since it's not usual from him. Otherwise the other mornings, he feels happy, weirdly happy even. Something is out but he wants to keep it this way even if he feels his mouth dry and desperately needs a glass of water.

He tries to move from his place, to stretch himself but the body wrapped around his chest doesn't allow him to. He looks at the side and sees Harry with his eyes shut, long eyelashes gently touching his cheek bones, lips parted, long hair resting on his chest, he's sweating as well and his cheeks are a bit rosy. Louis gives with himself smiling with the sight and doesn't hesitate on caressing his temple and giving a kiss on top of Harry's head.

When he sees Harry moving he panics and silently prays for the boy staying asleep because he has the feeling that he had one of those dreams again because he's with a morning boner and fuck, no, Harry is right next to him. But the curly boy only adjust himself on his best friend's body and groans a bit, brushing their skins together.

That's when Louis freezes and opens his eyes widely in shock. He feels something hard on his leg as well and he is sure his cock isn't that big. That's Harry's. Harry is fucking naked, wrapped around him. He is fucking naked in the same bed, with his best friend and both have a boner.

"What the hell." He whispers and tries his best to sit up on the bed, making Harry pulling away from him. He's literally in panic, confused and he never wanted to get the hell out of the bed in the morning so bad. That's really weird for Louis, especially when he has Harry cuddling with him the way he is. These times he just wants to stay in bed all day holding his life in his arms.

_His life._

"Oh my god," Louis is fighting with himself. He has his heart racing and he takes his hands to his forehead and pulls his hair out, trying to catch his breathe. "Holy shit." He can only say sentences like this.

His hands slide down to his face and he rubs his cheeks hardly. "What the hell did I do?" he looks down at the peaceful boy and it doesn't make him less anxious because Louis has this thing of examining Harry's face to the little detail and that not only makes him adore his best friend even more that also makes him notice the hickey exposed on Harry's neck.

That's it. Louis remembers and that's why he's hard right in the morning. It wasn't a dream and he drugged his best friend. He drugged his best friend and then he fucked him senseless like he always wanted. Louis took Harry's virginity and that won't make Harry happy. No, fuck, he just lost his virginity to his supposed straight best friend with who supposedly has a platonic relationship. This is so messed up.

 _Did I hurt him?_ Louis thinks. He doesn't see Harry having lube around in the house so he went deep and dry on Harry.

 

Of course Louis wanted to be Harry's first. God, if he wanted... But before fucking him hard – or let Harry fucking him – like he dreamt about, he wanted to make love to him. He wanted it to be gentle, tender and filled with passion. Maybe he would take Harry to a nice restaurant, to their first date, – because no, they never went on a  _date,_ of course not – then they would take a walk on the moonlight and just afterwards Louis would bring Harry home – or even to a nice and sophisticated hotel – light some candles, put on those calm, relaxing songs that Harry likes to hear while bathing, serve some champagne and spread roses – better, daisies – around the big bed full of pillows. Cliché, but Louis knows Harry would love it. He'd offer it to Harry, would make it perfect for him.

But it's not like Louis had ever thought that he would ever go this far with Harry. They're best friends and best friends only. Harry made it clear that they can't. More like he doesn't want to. They never talked about that day, when Louis made it clear that he wanted Harry to kiss him and he denied it and even if they should have, Louis knew how the conversation would went to.

What is he even thinking, years ago he had sure he was straight and for Harry he still is and now he is thinking that way about his best friend.  _His best friend_. That would screw their friendship and Harry doesn't deserve it. Louis doesn't want it.

 He stands up from bed and walks around the room to find his underwear. It's not here. So he opens Harry's drawer and takes a pair of clean briefs to put it on. He's shaking and his whole body hurts, which confirms a lot. His memory is blurry but he had done drugs many times so it's not like the whole night had disappeared from his mind. Much the otherwise, he has too many images and he can't pull them away. He has to, otherwise, he will fall in love with them. Will want them to stay.

He walks around the room with his legs trembling, talking to himself, calling himself names, pulling his hair out, feeling the tears by the anxiety filling his eyes and he even lets out a sob coming from his lips. He gives big steps now, causing his pinkie toe hit the leg from Harry's desk.

"Shit," he curses due the pain and the noise it makes. He brings his foot up and massages the toe with his fingers not giving the attention to the book that fell on the floor, just yet. He looks at the bed nervously to be faced with still a sleepy naked boy under the sheets. Beautiful.

Finally, he grabs the book from the floor, leaving something fall from between the pages. He groans and crouches himself one more time to catch it. Although, he stops looking at the little thing on the floor. It's a dry daisy. It's small and Louis grabs it delicately in fear that it might break. He examines it and wow, he is almost sure that's one of the flowers he gave Harry when they first meet. And he smiles. He smiles, because if that's the flower then he just wants to wake Harry up to hug and kiss him to tell him without words how much he loves him.

He looks at the book he has in hands and asks himself why the hell Harry saved the flower in here. Then it hits him. He knows this book. I mean, it's not a book, is Harry's journal. It looks old but it makes it look pretty. There are lots of pages out of place and others that he is sure that don't belong to the book, so it's very full and big. The cover is light brown, it has some words inked in black, a paper stuck with tape in a familiar hand writing. Louis' hand writing. It says:  _Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness._ And he remembers the day he found that poem somewhere, or maybe it was even his mother who said it to him and he wrote it down to give to Harry because it reminded Louis him.

There is also two pictures glued on the cover. One of their cat, Daisy, and the other is Harry and Louis, eight years ago. It was their first taken picture where they're playing with the leaves. Louis can't believe the things Harry made him do.

He sits on the floor now, without strength on his legs to pull himself up again and rests his back against the desk he hit before. He never, ever looked inside Harry's journal. Harry only showed him once and even then, it was Louis who pecked to see Harry drawing the Christmas tree Louis had gave him. So he thinks, not twice, but thrice before opening it, because if Harry never showed him it, it means that he doesn't want Louis to see. Which pains Louis a little because they're supposed to be one person and the fact that Louis knows nothing about the secrets Harry keeps in this journal, makes him a bit down. But it's okay, it's healthy having this secret.

The secret that won't be for so long because Louis can't let this go now. It's been years and now that he has the opportunity to he needs to peck. Just one page. Okay maybe two, that won't hurt, because the first ones are probably when Harry was seven so it's probably doodles and scribbles.

So he looks up one more time at the sleepy boy and turns his attention to the piece of art he has in hands. When he opens it, the first thing he sees is one card and he knows this card. It's the one he gave Harry for Valentine's Day. God that was the stupidest thing he had ever done but is glad that Harry kept it. He goes through the first pages to find draws Harry had done and now he knows what Harry did while they were together when they were kids. It's just drawings of what was around them and more daisies and flowers.

There's a moment when he flips a page to the other that he sees a lot of development on the writing and drawings. He remembers that they reached a time when Harry would give all his attention to Louis and he wouldn't bring this journal with him anymore. That was when Louis knew Harry was truly comfortable around him.

Then he reads a description about some smells, texture and even feelings and Louis didn't notice, but that was the description about what and how Harry felt when they had their first kiss.

He makes his best to keep the tickets and coupons in place after flipping the pages. When Louis  _not-so-accidently_ reads the words written on the beginning of the page he has sure he had heard them before.

_I love your smile, especially when I'm the reason of it._

_You are my favourite person in the world so don't you dare to leave me, I love you so much._

And then the note at the end  _[I followed those words and that made me wake up from life.]_

So Harry was listening to him while he was  _sleeping_ in that hospital's bed. So Louis had no reasons to feel relieved after thinking Harry didn't hear his desperate words.

He kept skipping pages and reading the things he's sure he had said to Harry before.

_You belong here. You belong here with me. I want you here, I want you okay._

_I'd like to say you're like a petal of a flower. Delicate, beautiful and wanted. I know the petals from flowers always fall but you know what? I'm going to be there to catch you and save you. Because I just want to keep you_

_And I have you. That's enough._

_Be with me always._

_Promise._

And Louis is smiling till now, reading all these words he once had said with honesty and speaking with his heart. He can't even believe that Harry had memorised them to write it down, he knew his best friend had a good capacity to memorise things but he never imagined he was using this gift for this.

However, Louis' smile vanishes while flipping some pages. He dares to read a few but tears start streaming down his face and falling down on the paper. It is painful reading the things Harry wrote through the days when he didn't have Louis. The days Louis decided not to be by his side, without noticing and he is seeing it on the words Harry had written how down he was feeling, the angst is being felt by Louis now and it is as if he is watching the moment Harry was giving up.

_I'd like to believe, and I tried to make myself believe, that other people aren't medicine. Because they can make to you the total opposite. They can throw poisoning at you and you can look fine on the outside, but you're dying on the inside and you won't have any warn up call telling you that your time is coming._

_I don't know what I did. I just wished he could look at me the same way he looked two months ago. That he even looked at me, but if I think this way, I'm going to use his eyes as medicine to me and that will only make me drown on a pool of lies and words that would make me fall in love with life._

_Even though they say that time heals all wounds, my scars will always be here and I can't forget what happened. I can't forget how I felt._

_It scares me sometimes the emptiness I see in my eyes when I don't have anyone to fill it._

Louis cleans his face with his bare arm and sniffs a bit to control his breathe. He can literally feel the struggle, the pain Harry was handling and for much he wants Harry to always tell him how he feels, this time was better if he didn't know a thing. So he flips more and more pages and he wished the sad pages from this journal would be less.

_For as long as I can, as long as you want me to. I'll hold you as long as the stars are above you._

_You're kind of fucked up yes... but in a cool way. And you're full of the loudest secrets no one's ever heard but I am here to listen to them._

A sentence catches his attention when is underlined with all the strength Harry could put on a pen.

_You promise you won't cut again, you promise you'll talk to me instead?_

And right next to it there's _promise_  written in capital letters and circled. And that makes Louis feel a bit better again because hell, Harry listens to him so attentively and Louis knows he won't ever break any promise. Ever.

Louis sees drawings again and for the first time he sees another colour besides black ink. There's blue, a mixed of several blues even and Louis looks at the drawing in awe. He can't fucking believe that his best friend had drawn his eyes, lovely coloured and made in a beautiful and realistic shape. In any language it would be a struggle to make a sentence exactly what Louis is feeling.

When Louis flips the pages it goes more forward than he actually pretends. There's two pages glued on the others and he sees squares before each sentence. There are some filled with a check and others that are still in blank. He reads at the beginning the title  _together let's..._ so he begins to read it all.

 _Slipt a milk-shake, check._ Which makes Louis laugh because only Harry would remind himself to write this down

 _Go to the aquarium, blank._ And fuck, Louis wants Harry to tick this as well.

 _Take a nap, check._ He laughs again.

 _Get matching outfits, check._  Is Harry even real?

_Ride a Ferris wheel, blank._

_Buy matching bracelets, blank._

_Go on a road trip, blank._ And Louis' heart beats fast while reading this because, hell yes he's going to make it for Harry.

_Make breakfast, check._

_Write each other letters, check._ And Louis wants to do it again because when they first did it, they were like twelve, thirteen and they were across the street, in each sidewalk in front of their houses, writing stupid things on papers to fold it and put on the mail box of the other. It was stupid but it felt right and kind, because even if at the same moment they'd read it and smile to the other from the place they were and write a response and give to the other right away, it was the sweetest thing ever.

 _Get in trouble, blank._ Well maybe that's going to have a tick soon after last night, Louis thinks.

 _Go to the beach, blank._ But Louis promised he'd take Harry to the beach once and he will make it.

_Go to a theme park, blank._

_Sing together, check._

_Build a blanket fort, check._

_Stargaze, blank._

_Go to the zoo, blank._

_Pick out each other's outfits, check._ Louis asks himself where the hell Harry had come with these ideas and why he never told Louis about them.

 _Go tanning, blank._ Somehow, this one makes Louis shiver in a way it shouldn't because the vision of him and Harry laid down on the sand, feeling the hot sun on their skin, Harry shirtless next to him, probably a bit wet makes him want that hard. God, hard.

_Have a Harry Potter marathon, check._

_Watch fireworks, blank._

_Fall asleep on the phone, check._

_Go camping, blank._ Louis would truly love going camping with Harry...

_Get ice-cream, check._

_Read a book, check._

_Take a bubble bath, blank._ This one makes Louis way too confused and he doesn't even want to question and think about it.

_Go on a run, check._

_Have a paint war, blank._

_Slow dance, blank._ God, Louis wants it.

_Share popcorn at the movies, check._

_Go on a classy-ass date, blank._ What?

_Kiss in the rain, blank._

"What?" Now he says out loud and with the shock he hits with his head on the desk making more noise. He even forgets about the rest of the list and the journal, rubbing the back of his head hardly.

"Lou?" He hears a morning voice coming from the bed and he nervously gives his attention to the sleepy boy, trying to hide the journal discreetly on his side. "What are you doing?" He swears Harry's voice sounds like when he was thirteen and was talking with Louis in that hospital's bed and sounded weak and like a little kid.

Harry rubs his eyes with his knuckles, almost like a kitten and Louis stops a bit to look at his best friend in fond. He tries to hold himself with his elbow, looking at Louis with semi opened eyes and with the sheets covering only below his waist and WOW. What an image, Harry looks so beautiful, his brunette curls going wildly all the ways, lips so plump, eyes so green and the light from the window hitting his shinning and soft skin.

"How did-How did we end up here last night?" Harry asks yawning and at the end curving his lips to smile at Louis, now looking at him properly.

"I don't-"

"Have you been crying?" His smile fades and he looks concerned now "Lou?"

Louis quickly passes his hands through his whole face, cleaning the possible tears created by the words he read previously. "No I was just," He chuckles to hide the nerves he is feeling right now and how his heart is beating so fast by listening to Harry's question. He doesn't know how they got in Harry's room last night either and he doesn't know if he wants to. He remembers too much already and Harry probably does too. He just needs a few minutes to wake up for real. "I hurt myself in the desk and... yawned. You know when I yawn I slip some tears." He jokes and prepares himself to stand up. He carefully takes the journal with him and places it on the desk, always facing his back at Harry.

"You sure you're okay?" Harry raises his eyebrow when looks at his best friend walking towards the bed, next to him.

"Yes, I'm sure." He smiles, but Louis' smile can't convince Harry. It can't convince anyone, he's so worried, so nervous right now that anything can hide it.

"Lou," Harry starts moving to approach Louis, taking the sheets with him – still not questioning himself why the heck he is naked – and then he just groans. He groans right in the first movement, in pain. And Louis knows he is sore. "Ah, god." He shuts his eyes trying his best to move "My whole body hurts,"  _and in places where it shouldn't_ , he thinks "And why am I–" he starts, now finally referring to the fact of being naked. "Oh." Then he gets it and remembers. It comes blurry.

Louis' head drops and suddenly his own legs start to be interesting "I'm sorry." He whispers and Harry listens to it and thank god Louis isn't looking at his face right now. He looks so shocked, scared even "I'm so fucking sorry." Harry says nothing just keeps looking at his best friend with the realization that he lost his virginity with him and holy hell. "I didn't–It wasn't supposed," he sighs. What is he going to say? What does Harry wants to hear? "Do you–Do you wanna talk about it?" and god, Louis finds the courage to look at Harry

"I–We should, right?" Harry says stuttering. He's so fucking nervous and Louis just wants to hug his naked body and listen to Harry's voice saying that it's okay. It's always okay. They're best friends. But hell, they can't use this excuse now and how old are they?

Louis takes his hands to his face again and groans "We should." He answers "But I don't know wha-"

"It's okay." He hears and stops right away. He freezes. This morning is just a continuation of his dream from last night, for sure.

Harry bites his bottom lip and looks down, playing with the sheets, incapable to look at Louis right now. And Louis is glad he does it because he can't look at Harry as well but he also can't move. "It's okay Louis."

"Wh-What?" He stammers and he's sure if he wasn't sat he'd fall on the floor because of his shaken legs.

"It's okay, I mean..." Harry sighs "It's not okay but, it's done," He chuckles but Louis feels more like he's going to cry "there's no way back Louis and I don't know. Don't apologize. Because if you do, I need to as well. I'm sorry, god... that was crazy." He chuckles again and Louis wished he could shut him up by their lips pressed against each other. But he can't. "That was..." he scratches the back of his neck "Well, at least I lost my virginity with you." He laughs again, nervously. Christ, he is so nervous and Louis can see his hands shaking while he plays with the sheets with his fingers. "And I'm not going to be a virgin with eighteen years old. And I won't lose my virginity drunk with a stranger when I'm thirty years old." He jokes really trying to hide his discomfort

"Oh, Harry!" and Louis knows what he is feeling but he laughs a bit along his best friend just to make everything easier. But it doesn't. Harry stops laughing from a moment to another, dropping his face and expression again and he takes a deep, long and noisily sigh.

"Fuck, babe, come here." Louis says noticing how stressed and tensed Harry is right now and otherwise his words, it's him who crawls beside Harry and wraps his arms around Harry's warm body. He presses him against his chest and places a kiss on top of his head "I'm sorry, it's okay." He starts rocking his body along with Harry and this way he isn't only comforting Harry but is also comforting himself. "It's okay, right? We're best friends, remember." He says slapping himself mentally. Why does he had to say it like he said when they first kissed? It's pathetic

"Yeah... Best friends." Harry whispers and god his voice. His voice isn't okay.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought the pot I should have just thrown it away and not even ask you if you wanted it. God, I'm so stupid, I'm sorry if I hurt you I'm sorry if I-" he stops his rambling right there when was going to say  _I'm sorry if I liked it._ That's the last thing he has to say. Not even the last, it doesn't even belong to the list.

"Don't put all the blame on you," Harry raises his head from Louis' chest and looks properly at Louis. God, what are they even going to be after this? Louis can't lose Harry, they can't change because of this. "it's my fault too, it just... wow, it's just wow Louis and I don't know how to feel about all of this. Jesus, you were my first," he panics "and you're my best friend and you're straight and you had a girlfriend before and I just feel so-"

"You're just saying shit," Louis interrupts his best friend "what do you even mean about me having a girlfriends before? Do you think I fucked her when we had sixteen? Hell Harry, you were my first too and you don't see me-"

"I what?" Harry almost shouts and looks shocked at Louis

"God, you do really thought I wasn't a virgin. So you kinda offended me previously, what's the deal about being a virgin at eighteen hum?" He mocks this time, damn he needs to let this go, they need to be okay even if they have to talk about it. They can't let this change anything, even if it's going to be marked on Louis like the kiss did, he'll handle it for Harry. For his friendship.

"I thought–Jesus, I didn't know..." he passes his finger through his hair, being stuck in a lock of hair that he takes advantage of it to untangle it. "Good to know," he says out of sudden "I mean, it's not like–it just-"

"Harry, please, you need to calm down."

Harry nods and breathes again "I'm sorry then. That your first time had to be with me while well... being straight and that stuff."

"Shit Harry, stop saying that I'm straight." Louis literally groans and let's himself fall in the mattress, throwing his arm above his forehead and looking at the ceiling.

 Harry frowns "But isn't that what you-"

"I don't know. I don't fucking know what I am. Maybe I'm gay, maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm nothing even. I don't know, I don't care I just-" he sighs in frustration. What the hell is he saying? He is just making all worst

"You what?"

"Oh god," he hides his face with his hands again "forget it. Shit. Let's not talk about it. Let's not..." if Louis could have any super power he'd chose going back in time because that would be so useful for him. For their friendship. Because if he didn't have these memories, these things that are making his feelings growing up like this, like they shouldn't, he wouldn't feel the need to forget about things he should but that he just wants to relive. He wants to kiss Harry endlessly till he can't breathe anymore, he wants to make love to him every day, he wants to feel Harry naked next to him every morning for the rest of his life. He wants to spend his whole life with Harry and he hopes he can do it. He's not too young to think this way when he has a person like Harry beside him from who feels this way. This strong way.

"Okay," he hears Harry "Okay Lou." He feels the bed moving which makes him think that Harry is laying down next to him again.

So there's silence now. Lots and lots of silence and Louis is kind of glad for it because there's a lot of noise in his head right now. He hates himself for not having the ability to control his body like he wished and should, to control his mind. Someone is controlling all of this in his turn and he has a clue that must be Harry.

"Erm, Harry?" He hears himself some minutes later. He feels Harry's gaze on him but doesn't dare to look back "I forgot to tell you–to give you, your birthday present." He says after thinking and thinking about the better way to tell it to Harry. So he does the same ways he always ends up doing after thinking too much, he's direct. "So... we're leaving tomorrow to Liverpool." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh crappy chapter i know. but be attentive to Harry's journal is REALLY important to the whole story. Also, i'm posting new books and i'd love if you checked it ^-^ first is "yellow cab" and i'm soon posting another one (it's called "Safe Heaven" i can already tell you that), they're "coming soon" but i'm really excited for them. they're short stories so i'm still going to work on this one and giving it more attention.


	21. Life Saver

_"Erm, Harry?" He hears himself some minutes later. He feels Harry's gaze on him but doesn't dare to look back "I forgot to tell you-to give you, your birthday present." He says after thinking and thinking about the better way to tell it to Harry. So he does the same way he always ends up doing after thinking too much, he's direct. "So we're leaving tomorrow to Liverpool."_

"Excuse me?" Harry asks seriously and in instinct Louis finally meets his gaze facing with a confused and opened eye Harry. It's obvious that Harry thinks he didn't hear correctly or maybe thinks that Louis is just going crazy. So Louis bites his bottom lip and lets an amused smile slipt from his lips - probably the first one this morning - while Harry looks at him in dull.

"Hum, yeah, okay wrong way to tell you this." He sits up, resting his back on the bed's headboard and doesn't even notice the way Harry does the same, always careful to bring the sheets with him. "The reason my family and I aren't going on vacations to Liverpool this year, is because you and I are going." He says and all the awkwardness and worries vanish when he says these words with a smile, speaking louder the  _you and i_  to emphasise the idea. Just the thought that he's possibly between hours to drive with Harry to Liverpool so both can spend a week together, enjoy themselves and not worry about anything, just really having fun and getting the hell out of Doncaster, trying to make Harry forget about his problems. It makes him happy.

"You're kidding, right?" Harry asks and Louis asks himself why he isn't smiling and looking excited.

"Hum, no I'm not." Louis answers, his smile fading away and getting worried "Is there any-" he stops himself for some seconds. What if Harry doesn't want to go because he now feels uncomfortable around Louis after what happened last night? Well, by how well Louis knows Harry, if he was uncomfortable he wouldn't have laid down next to him still naked in silence. He'd have ran away, making Louis disappear, anything but what truly happened... However, anything stops Harry to still feel nervous about all of this and Louis is just trying to forget this for both. Especially for Harry, though. Because he didn't want to forget.

"If you don't want to come, I understand, I mean... I just wanted to-"

"Lou." Harry's hands travel to find Louis' since Louis' voice gets too low and trespassing all his concern to his best friend. "I-" he starts but makes a pause while both stare at each other. "I'm sorry..."

Louis pulls away Harry's hands quickly, hurt "You don't want to..."

"No," Harry says loudly and Louis frowns.

"No need to shout if you don't want to, I get it you are only being-"

"Louis," he shouts again but this time he chuckles "Shut up, god, I do want to." He truly laughs this time, holding Louis' hand in both of his again "I want it so bad, are you kidding?!" He smiles truthfully and Louis feels a lot of weight going out of his shoulders. "This is great, Louis, this is awesome. Of course I want I, god, give me a hug you idiot."

Louis grins opening his arms to let his best friend in. Both wrap their arms around each other and Harry almost reaches Louis' lap, which make him laugh. He sinks his head on the crook from Louis' neck, then placing a kiss on his collarbone like they always do. It makes Louis shiver and wrapping his arms tighter around his best friend. "I wasn't expecting this," He laughs and the hot breathe Louis' feels on his skin is pleasant "but," fuck, the but's. "What about my parents?"

"They're not here Harry." Louis whispers back. He likes the way they communicate, Harry doesn't pull away from Louis and he definitely won't, they talk lowly just for the two of them to listen to and their voices are soft.

"I know but... going away to Liverpool this way, without them knowing..." Louis finds himself surprised when Harry pulls away, showing his nervous expression; his eyebrows down, his lips pressed in a straight line and his eyes showing nothing, not even the usual glow.

"They're not coming back in what? Three weeks? We're staying there one, they'll never know Harry, there's nothing to worry. I talked to my mom and it's okay."

"I don't know if it is okay, Louis. It's not... it's not right. If they find out they'll kill me, they won't let me see you again."

Louis rolls his eyes "Seriously Harry? There's no way they'll find out," he wants to say they don't care but that will only hurt Harry and saying it is making it official and Louis truly wished his parents cared for his son. "I think..." he sighs "It's so unfair for you. You deserve it, you deserve doing this for you. Think about what you want for the first time in your life, babe, they won't stop you forever and I think you need to give the first step. Do you see them here? Do you see them calling to ask if you're doing okay without them?" he shakes his head and keeps his eyes on Harry, analysing his expression to know if he's going too far "You're eighteen already they can't keep you trapped in here you can't let yourself feel trapped by them."

"I know..." Harry lowers his head "You know I..."

"I know, Harry..." he knows how afraid Harry is of his own parents, especially his father. Not that he hits him... the last time that happened he was fifteen, it hurt badly but it's not because of that. He just hurts him too much, psychologically and that's worst for Harry since his head can trick him sometimes. "But they won't do anything to you. It'll be fine, I'm here." Louis caresses the brunet's hand, trying to offer assurance.

"That's the thing Louis, I want you always here, I don't want them to take you away from me."

Louis laughs quietly "They won't and even if they try I will keep chasing you!" He winks with a smirk, making Harry's dimple appear.

"You promise?" He asks too seriously

"I promise." Louis nods and they both fall into silence, with their hands still feeling the warmth from the other. It's so comforting, so familiar that makes them think that they're the only people in the world. They don't feel sad about it, they feel relieved.

These are the times when Louis wished he could kiss Harry. Kiss the sad out of him, cure all his wounds, just be that close to him. They're already close, they're so fucking close but not the close Louis wants. The close that takes his breathe away, that makes him another person and that takes him to the clouds to feel them. Harry is all his but he still feels like there's a piece of him that it is not, which makes a part of Louis feel empty. He wants to fill it but there's nothing he can do now.

"I love you so much." Louis whispers looking straight at Harry's green eyes and his voice... his voice shows it all, all the love he has to give. And maybe, maybe for the first time, this I love you meant another thing. It felt different in Harry's skin, it felt different in Louis' tongue and chest. It meant exactly what Louis has been feeling but never said or even thought.

He felt in love with his best friend.

Harry smiles, shyly smiles, turning away his gaze from Louis' and his cheeks turn slightly rosy. They've shared this words so many times and that's why Louis is sure Harry can interpret them in the way he tries to hide. "Erm, I need to get dress." He chuckles, a bit shaky and pulls away the touch of his hands to once again pull the sheets up to his body.

Louis feels his own ears getting hot but he's not one of blushing but he feels himself warming up. "Oh, right." He chuckles the same way Harry did. "And I need to use the toilet so... you get ready and, erm, I'll be back in a couple of minutes to give you, hum, time" Louis says nervously while getting up from bed and walking towards the door. Why is he nervous and why is he making an excuse to go out of the room to give Harry privacy?

Right.

~*~

"You ready?" Louis looks at Harry with a strict and way too serious look for a person who has a kitchen towel wrapped around his head.

Harry nods firmly "Let's do it!" He raises his fist in the air and starts walking in big and heavy steps - still feeling the ache on his bum - towards the sink, to clean the mess.

"You have idea that you need a cloth, don't you?" Louis laughs at his best friend's figure - seriously Louis you have a towel in your head as if you were a ninja - with his hands on his hips.

"Right," Harry nods and in the same way he walked to the sink, he walks back to the blue eyed, who is only in boxers and Harry's oversized t-shirt "Excuse me." He says and takes the towel from Louis' head, carefully, to turn back to the sink to wet it.

Louis laughs again and Harry can't contain his laughter as well, while looking back at his brunette friend by how bizarre the whole scene looks like.

However, they thought it would cost more than it apparently is taking to clean the first floor. Harry even jumped with the shock when saw how they left the living room but when it's two working it's faster.

"Louis," Harry protests while picking the plates from the floor and throwing the rest of the brownies on a plastic bag. "Stand your ass up from the couch and help me."

"I am just checking if there are any scrums on the-OH MY GOD!" Harry quickly turns his attention to his friend, who is standing up from the couch as if he had seen a spider, with eyes wide open "we've got a problem."

"Louis..." Harry looks at him with a warning look, still shocked

"Erm, there might be a wh-white stain here that isn't supposed to be." He informs and thank god seconds later they're already laughing with the situation and it wasn't weird at all.

So this incident made them take more fifteen minutes to find a way to clean the couch. So after almost two hours with the kitchen, living room, Harry's room and his bathroom cleaned - apparently they had the strength to have a bath last night, but neither commented on what had probably happened during it - they're already sat on the same, now cleaned couch, with Daisy on Harry's lap, who is supporting Louis' head's weight on his shoulder.

"We need to pack your bags." Louis says, his voice showing the excitement he is feeling. Harry hums in response "Aren't you excited?" Louis asks, raising his head to try to look at the curly haired boy. Harry looks back at him with a smile on his face, while keeping patting Daisy behind her ear, making her purr.

"I am. Very." Harry grins and here it comes, the sudden feeling Louis now has, to kiss those plump, pink and beautiful lips. Louis can't stop staring, he can't stop looking at those lips and he's sure they're calling for his. "Lou," it seems he can see them moving to call his name, softly. He doesn't want to feel this way each time he's this close to Harry, it just makes things worse and hard for him. Harry has no idea how hard it is for him. 

"Louis," He hears again and he feels Harry's hand slightly brushing his warm cheek.

Louis' eyes travel from Harry's lips to his green eyes and Harry is really calling for him. Fuck, or he just noticed that Louis was staring and that will be awkward or... or he is calling him like Louis once did with him, calling for him to kiss him. But no, no that is impossible. "We can go pack now and then eat something since it's getting late."

Oh.

"Yeah, sure." Louis' voice sounds weak and Harry notices, Louis knows Harry notices everything... Harry probably knows what Louis is feeling by now because he can't be subtle. He can't be, not with a person like Harry in his life.

"Yeah?" However, even if Harry is catching the idea he doesn't seem so bothered. His voice comes so tender and kind, his hand is still caressing Louis' cheek and he looks at Louis as if perfection existed.

I want to kiss you, Louis wants to say but he keeps the thought on his mind. So he nods and pulls away from Harry, afraid that if they kept that way for much longer he'd give up and throw away what he had built and is trying to keep. He'd hold Harry, kiss him and tell him what's been on his mind since he is sixteen. He's going to be nineteen soon and is pathetic how his body and mind work around Harry.

He stands up from the couch, leaving Harry with an uncomfortable cold spot next to him. "Okay let's go because afterwards we need to go to my place because my mom wants to see you and I also need to pack my stuff." Louis says adding his best smile and Harry pulls away his worries, nodding and putting Daisy on the side to follow his best friend

~*~

As expected Harry stays for the night so tomorrow they can leave early because Louis wants to make sure that Harry is up on time since he oversleeps too many times. Though, that's not much the reason, it's really the fact that if he can have Harry by his side, why pushing him away? In a not so aggressive way, if Harry can be with Louis because anything is stopping that to happen, why sending him home to sleep alone in a cold bed with cold sheets on a warm night?

And since Harry entered in his life - what is life without Harry? Who was Louis without Harry? An eight years old kid with no friends to play with on summer, is the answer - it's like he's trapped there. But in a good way because Harry likes it, he isn't forced to be with Louis, he needs to be with Louis. With all their sleepovers, the way their friendship is, it seems like they even live together. They even have their side of the bed defined, they make breakfast together, they know the other's routine... They're a family.

Whatever the feeling Louis might - is - feeling right now, he sure won't let it destroy everything. It won't. It can't. Because it's so strong, what they have is so strong and beautiful that everything ugly it touches it, turns out to be the most gorgeous thing, bringing envy to the things around. Louis loves that feeling. Louis loves what Harry makes him feel, it's almost magic... he started to believe in magic since he observed - not saw - what he and Harry have. It brought him hope.

"Comfy?" Louis asks, shaking his body under the fresh sheets and feeling the good cold from the wall touching his bare arm. It's in times like these that he doesn't care if in the winter the wall is too cold. It brings its benefits on summer and he can always get warmer closer to Harry on the cold nights.

"Yes." Harry laughs and shares a smile with Louis, who finds the urge to touch those deep dimples of his.

It's probably the earlier they got into bed this summer holidays, it's not like they're tired - and it's also not like they aren't going to talk for half an hour as always - but Louis wants to reach Liverpool around eleven in the morning, so they need to leave at least at half past nine and he knows it won't be an easy task to take Harry out of the bed. Sometimes Louis feels more responsible than Harry in these kind of things, which is really weird and unusual because he is lazy himself. But not as much as Harry who can't even leave his room tidy for five minutes. Who would say he is as intelligent as he is?

But to make up for it, Louis took half an hour packing while Harry only took ten minutes. So the result is going to be them leaving with two suitcases, a bag and Louis' backpack. In Louis' defence he is going to carry half of Harry's clothes in one of his suitcases and he knows they're going to share a lot of clothes. Also, he needs a bag with the stuff he'll need to the trip like sunglasses, toothpaste, cameras, towels, sunscreen lotion, which in Louis' mind it takes a lot of space.

Harry was really tired of listening to Louis protesting about how he can't choose the right clothes to take and grumbling about not having space. Harry is sure he's taking way too much thing but Louis says that it's never enough because  _we don't know when we'll need extra clothes._  Harry knows they won't

"I have all planed for our week, so if you think we'll spend the whole days sleeping you're just fooling yourself." Louis comments and can't stop but feel smaller than he actually is in bed with Harry. He hates when he's totally laid down on the mattress while Harry is with half of his back rested on the headboard.

"Louis..." Harry says in an annoyed tone and Louis makes his best not to laugh at his pitchy voice.

"If I wanted to sleep, I'd stay in here."

Harry sighs "So what are we going to do?"

"You'll just know in the day, so everyday there'll be a surprise." Louis replies smiling genuinely up at the green eyed boy.

"You sure got to a lot of work on my birthday present this year."

"Yeah..." Louis breaks the gaze. He knew that this year he needed to do something else, something special because "You deserve it." he confesses

"I..." Harry starts and Louis doesn't dare to look at him because he knows his limits and right now, this moment, will make him think crazy things, which he can end up following them. "I-I don't think I really deserve all of this... Deserve you." But woah, he needs to look at Harry, in shock and surprise and even sit up quickly because how can Harry still be so insecure about all of this?

"Don't say that Harry." He almost shouts as if he was truly mad "I can't believe you can still think that way after everything I said to you." His tone of voice is really from someone who is desperate to make his point be heard from the other. But Harry seems not to catch the words since he keeps looking at his lap "Look at me Harry." Louis says and rests his hands on Harry's chin to turn his attention to him. "How can you still say a thing like that? You know you deserve everything in the world. You deserve to be happy like everyone else. You need to see how amazing you are and accept it." Louis doesn't know how they got this close and how he could keep his hand on Harry, this time caressing his cheek. But that's them, so it's not weird, it's nothing unusual. "Don't put yourself down, love. All right?" Harry keeps his greens eyes locked with Louis' blue ones, amazed, but Louis needs to hear his voice "All right?" He repeats

"All-all right..." Louis smiles and nods, happy with the answer. "Thank you, I'm really excited for the trip."

"Me too..." Louis wished he could stop talking this slow and sounding like he is out of breathe. He wished he could be able to stop looking at Harry's lips and eyes the way he does. But he doesn't wish that this feeling could disappear like he once thought. He doesn't know if that's right or wrong but he wants to keep it with him, because it feels good, it feels warm.

Louis feels Harry's hand grabbing his and Harry leads it to his lips, kissing all his four knuckles, caressing his palm with his thumb. Louis feels his heart jumping in his chest and it's not because of the surprise of the gesture since Harry doesn't show much his affection with gestures first, he knows it's because of another thing. But he's used to it so he smiles, not showing those emotions and the urge to jump into Harry's arms and tell him how he feels.

"I'm glad I have you in my life Louis." Harry confesses and Louis now sure shows his surprise. He knows that, he knows how grateful Harry is for having him in his life but that's it, that's why he isn't waiting for Harry to remind him that much. But he is, he is telling that again to Louis, to make him happy, to remind him.

"Thank you." Louis answers not thinking. He was supposed to thank Harry mentally, because yes, he's glad the boy says that, he's glad his best friend thinks he's worth it to have in his life, he's worth it to love and he's so thankful for Harry letting him stay and not pushing him away. Always giving him a quick reminded that somehow, Louis is Harry's life saver and that makes Louis so proud of himself and proud of doing what he wanted to do since he was little. Make Harry happy.

"I mean, I didn't mean, like... erm-" Louis stutters and Harry laughs by how messy he is right now.

"I think I got it, Lou." Harry says now more serious but still with an honest smile on his lips. "Now, didn't you want to go to bed earlier?"

Louis nods chuckling, stopping right away when Harry's hand is now rested, barely there, on his cheek. He sees Harry leaning forward and placing a kiss on his forehead "Goodnight Lou." He says softly, so softly that makes Louis freeze for a moment by the fond.

Harry giggles and lays down, preparing to go to sleep. Louis slowly follows his moves and lays face up, now looking at the darkness that is his ceiling since Harry had turned off the light.

He can only think about how much he loves Harry, how huge this feeling is and how gay he is becoming...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so sappy and stupid


	22. Relax

"Harry I swear to god if you don't get out of the bed I'll bring the water" Louis shouts, ignoring his father's protest about how loud he is being at nine in the morning, from his parent's room. He doesn't care, though, they need - he wants - to leave in half an hour and Harry is still sleeping like he's dead. Louis is already dressed, their stuff are already in the car and he just needs to eat breakfast and is done. He's so pissed right now because he's been calling Harry for almost half an hour and the only thing he had done was groaning and not waking up.

He knew this was going to happen but he wasn't ready to feel the blood from his veins boiling this early.

Louis furiously walks towards the sleepy boy and sits on the mattress next to him "Harry, I'll eat breakfast without you!" this time he shakes his best friend aggressively in the shoulder, shouting close to his ear, making the younger boy jump between the sheets startled and look with narrowed eyes at Louis

"Jesus Christ Louis why are you so rude in the morning?" Harry says in his morning voice and Louis is so mad that doesn't even takes his usual moment to appreciate how hot Harry's voice is.

"You're fucking dribbling on my pillow," He points at Harry, who cleans his mouth with the back of his hand in disgust "and you're late." He says seriously "Believe me I've tried to wake you up in a kind way" he even started to kiss the boy's cheek, shoulder, jaw and caressing his upper arm while whispering sweet things to him but there was no response "but I don't know why I still try after all these years knowing that with you that doesn't work!" he says in a loud tone

"We're not late, Louis." Harry chuckles, giving emphasis on the  _not_ "No one is running after us so we, you, don't need to feel stressed" the fact that Harry looks fucking hot right now - apart from the saliva -, with his hair all messy but curlier, his green eyes sparkling more than they should, and the sheets covering only his lap showing nothing but his bare arms - Louis really wished Harry would sleep shirtless like him -, makes him want to punch his pretty face.

"I just want to punch you in the face right now." So Louis says

"Oh, very nice of you"

"I give you five minutes to go downstairs." Louis says firmly and stands up from bed before smiling fondly by the way Harry is laughing.

He starts preparing breakfast by himself, which he hates since, even having done that many times previously, he loves when Harry is doing the same thing next to him. Asking him if he should drink milk or tea this time, eat toasts or if Louis wants him to make pancakes, if Louis wants granola in his yoghurt or if he prefers fruit this time. Or there are those mornings, especially when it's just the two of them and no one is at home - so especially at Harry's - and it's late so they only prepare cereals. The result is Louis grumbling with Harry for slipping the milk and trying to give cornflakes to Daisy.

But Louis loves those mornings and it makes him ask himself if that's what made him fall for Harry... but it's hard to tell since there's so many things that made him fall for Harry. He couldn't fall for him all at once.

"What are you mumbling under your breathe?" Louis jumps in surprise when feels Harry's arms wrapping around his waist and feels his hot breathe on his neck.

"Shit!" He curses when slips the jelly from the pot to the balcony "Can you not do that?" Louis almost shouts trying to look at his shoulder, to where Harry is with his chin rested. Louis is just reacting this way to make his best to try to hide the feelings he isn't supposed to show, by the way Harry's arms are around his waist tightly and now, the way Harry giggles sinking his face on the crook of Louis' neck. Louis can only shiver with the feel and think how beautiful the sound is.

"You need to relax, Lou." Harry whispers next to Louis' bare skin and places a kiss between his exposed collarbone and neck. This usual thing they have don't make any good to Louis. He can't stop but questioning that if someone found them this way, if they'd think they were really dating.

 _God, they probably wouldn't_ , he changes his mind.

"I-I am relaxed..." He can't even keep doing their breakfast, afraid that if he moves, it'll pull away Harry's arms, touch.

Harry  _hums_ , with his lips still brushing lightly Louis' skin.

"Morning boys!" They hear Fiona's voice and slowly they move their attention to her. Harry's body keeps closer to Louis', though his arms aren't around him anymore, which makes Louis think that his mother's presence isn't welcome right now.

"Morning Fiona!" Harry smiles at the woman who smiles back at him. Louis keeps his eyes on Harry, making notes of his expressions.

"Making breakfast for all of us, Louis?" Fiona turns her eyes to her son now, getting closer to them with his delicate and pretty sleep dress.

"Erm, what?" He shakes his head waking up and finally looking at his mother, who keeps offering him a smile

"I asked if you're making breakfast for all of us." She repeats

"Oh, no... I was only making for me and Harry since I didn't know if you were coming. But I suppose I can start making for all the six of us."

"I'll help you then." Louis' mother says

"Okay. And you curly," Louis starts pinching Harry's cheek "you'll get dress and try to see if you have everything now. Ah and it's your turn to make the bed." He smirks teasingly

"What? I made it yesterday." Harry protests

"You overslept, it's only fair. Now go or I won't put apple jelly on your toast and will make you drink Zoe's orange juice." The juice that only Zoe can drink and say that's delicious.

Harry groans in denial but still drags his feet out of the kitchen to upstairs and Louis stays more time than he should looking at the boy walking away, with a grin on his face and eyes sparkling. He doesn't notice it and his mother doesn't point out because it's been like this since ages.

"You two look happy." Fiona says turning to the balcony to help Louis who is making coffee for her and his father.

"We are." Louis says and he hopes he is right. He really hopes Harry is happy now with him.

"I want you to be careful in Liverpool Louis." She warns him for the fifth time this week

"I know mom."

"And leave everything clean and lock the doors before you leave."

"I know mom" He repeats

"Don't make me and your father regret this decision. You're both eighteen and I know you are all careful and good boys, special Harry," Louis rolls his eyes with her comment "but it's not wrong being extra careful. If something happens call me immediately."

"I know mom." Louis knows is the last time he is going to say these words... at least for now.

"Good then." She nods laughing a bit and bringing the milk to the table in the centre of the kitchen.

"But hey," Louis says a minute later "thanks for letting me taking him there." He gets closer to his mother with a genuine smile

"You two deserve it and I know how good it'll be for Harry and how good it'll be for you both leaving this place for a bit." Fiona pulls her son close by his shoulders "And I don't think we'd be able to go this year with you." She confesses

"Why do you say that?" Louis asks raising his eyebrow, looking a bit down to his mother since, even not being that tall, he got much taller than her.

"Because you'd want to stay with him."

"You mean like all of the other previous years since I'm a kid?"

"Yes, but this time you'd really stay and I don't think I'd force you to go with us." Louis doesn't quite understand what his mother means by this words, though he believes they might be true. Last year he almost made it, almost stayed in Doncaster instead of going but Harry made him go and Louis pondered in taking Harry with him but he knew his parents would be around by that time.

It kinda sucked, but this year it'll be better and he's honestly so glad they made it. He can't believe he's hours from reaching Liverpool with Harry, hours from feeling a bit free with his best friend. Louis can't wait to show the city to him, he's seriously so happy for all of this.

"You two got closer." Fiona adds and with this comment Louis laughs a bit and looks with eyes wide open at her.

"What?"

"I know it sounds crazy because how can you two get even closer?" she laughs too "But as hard as it might be for you to see, it's true darling." Louis takes his arms from around his mother, making her doing the same at him, pulling away.

"If you say so." He shrugs and turns back to finishing breakfast.

Not too much time passes till Louis' siblings, his father and Harry appear and all sit on the table to eat. Louis, who usually is the last one finishing - when it's not Peter - is the first one and is in more rush than ever. Is half past nine already which mean they're late. In reality, like Harry said, they aren't but Louis really wants to reach Liverpool as soon as possible.

"If you don't finish it now, you'll going to eat on the way Harry, I swear. You usually eat so fast." Louis complains, taking his plate and mug to the dish washer.

"If he eats faster than he is, he is going to puke Louis." Zoe comments

"Louis, I told you to relax." Harry comments and even having the urge to slap his best friend he chuckles. "And I'm eating like I always eat, you just ate faster than the usual." he says before bringing his mug to between his lips to finish his tea.

"Don't you dare!" Louis warns his best friend for being contradicting his person.

"Louis!" Fiona and Carl say in harmony making Louis sigh in annoyance and sit on his chair next to Harry, only to stand up immediately when Harry finished.

"Finally!" The blue eyed boy half shouts.

"I need to brush my teeth before we go." Harry tells him with a smirk after putting what he used on the dish washer as well

"Oh no you don't, I will give you chewing gum and we're leaving!" Harry can't stop but laugh by Louis' performance and he literally drags the green eyed boy to the hall so they can leave.

He basically makes all his family stand up from the table as well to say goodbye to them. Louis asks Harry if he has everything thrice, till when he's ready to ask the fourth he stops to think for a moment, bringing Harry a bit worried by his expression but Louis tells him he forgot something upstairs in a rather weird tone. He takes his backpack with him and walks the stairs quickly, listening to Harry saying  _"I thought you were in a hurry."_ And he is, so he's quickly to come back and being faced with Harry hugging his sister.

"Take care of the family, you'll be the older now." Harry winks at her and she rolls his eyes, yet smiling. Even having a year of difference between Harry, so she's seventeen, Louis can't stop but observe how Harry treats her like the sister he wished he could have. Maybe that's why Zoe's feelings happened to change towards him since she realised that Harry started to change the way he looked at her after the kiss.

Peter grabs Louis' hand, taking him by surprise, bringing him closer to them. He also grabs Harry's hand with his other one and the three form a small circle "So," the nine years old boy starts, still grabbing their hands "I hope you call at least once a day to talk to me and that miss me and also, you have to buy me a present since I can't go with you two."

Harry and Louis laugh with Peter's comment but they tell the boy that they'll think about it. Peter hugs Harry first and then Louis, whispering in his ear "If Harry's present is better than yours, I'll replace you and he'll be my brother instead." The boy pulls away and laughs evilly. Louis can't stop but laugh, still slapping his brother in the head slightly.

Louis almost feels like he's suffocating with so many hugs - it's just one week for Christ sakes - and then he just wants to puke when hears his father telling Harry to take care of him. He's older, shouldn't it be the otherwise?

Already with the front door opened and with Harry taking Daisy in her cat carrier - yes because of course they have to take her with them - towards the car, Louis feels a hand pulling him back, stopping him.

"Call me when you get there." Fiona says close to her son.

Louis sighs, he knew it wouldn't be the last time he would say "I know mom."

"And drive safely please"

"I know mom." He sighs for the second time, this time louder but with a small smile on his lips.

"And sweetheart," she starts "do what makes you happy, all right?" She grins at his eldest son and places a kiss on his cheek.

"O-Okay mom." He answers a bit confused but then gives her another kiss, offering her a smile and before walking towards Harry he waves at the rest of his family.

He runs as quick as he can to his car - basically his early birthday present since he passed his drive license in January - where Harry is putting Daisy on the back seat, safely and checking if everything is in place on the car's trunk.

"Ready to go?" Louis asks his best friend not containing the smile threatening to appear on his lips. Harry nods happily and Louis swears,  _he swears_ , that Harry is giving him  _the_  smile. The one that gives him goose bumps, that shows him Harry's whole beauty and that makes him so proud for seeing Harry  _that_ happy. It's basically the smile Harry had created for Louis and hell, isn't that the best feeling in the whole world.

They both wave one more time to the four people not so far from the sidewalk and when they return they sit on their places.

"Are you sure you aren't going to kill us?" Harry asks when Louis turns on the car and places his hands on the wheel. It's probably the most he's going to drive and Harry knows how scary Louis can be on the road, and he only experimented it from their neighbourhood to the centre of the city, which is only ten minutes long.

"I'll try." Louis mocks looking at the younger boy in a bit of amusement

"Please Lou, I wanna live just a little bit more yeah?" Harry says sighing and supporting his face on his palm, leaving Louis laughing and shaking his head before starting driving. Somehow, it was a bless listening to Harry saying that sentence, it was good.

So the first hour of the drive they keep quiet, enjoying the mix Harry made to the trip, Harry trying to make the air from the car cooler, Louis trying to be attentive on the road and with Harry looking outside, trying to memorize the way the trees seem to run away from them when it's the otherwise.

He drove to London many times before with his parents on Christmas but somehow, this road trip with Louis feels different. Mainly because this time he's actually excited and pleased to get out of his house.

Another times he takes some time looking at Louis who tries his best not to meet the green eyed boy gaze, since he really wants to drive the best he can. After some time Louis notices how quiet Harry has been so he sees the boy with his head rested on the window, with his eyes closed, probably sleeping.

It's in the second hour from the trip, after Harry waking up and asking if they were almost there that he gets impatient and bored. So he decides to grab Louis' backpack that was beside his feet this whole time to examine it.

Louis' eyes open wide when he notices the boy touching it and he almost loses his grip from the wheel. "Don't open it." He almost shouts, referring to the small pocket, when Harry touches the zip.

"Why?" Harry looks at him and even if Louis is now looking forward he knows the confused expression Harry is giving him.

"Just-I don't want to lo-lose the stuff I have in there."

"Erm, you won't probably. You're like, in a car." Harry chuckles despite Louis' attitude

"Yeah but, shit" he curses quietly "just leave it. You can check the inside but don't open that pocket all right?" Louis tries to convince Harry and looks for a second at him before turning his attention again to the road.

"Okay." Harry says confused but shrugs it off. He grabs the bigger zip to open the backpack, to be faced with Louis' Polaroid camera, also his small video camera, the box from his sunglasses - which Harry is surprised that he isn't using them - and more small bags that he bets are his and Louis' health and hygiene care. Why would he put it here anyway?

"Did you brought the charge we bought the other day, for the camera?" Harry asks looking from the inside of the bag to Louis.

"Yes I did Harry." He laughs a bit, glad that from Harry's tone of voice the previous episode was forgotten.

"Good." Harry grabs Louis' glasses and puts them on himself, then the video camera and lowers the volume from the music a bit before starting filming. "We're on our way to Liverpool and Louis told me that we're almost there. We still have an hour of drive." He says, pointing the lent to himself to capture his figure the best he can.

"Who are you - " Louis stops his stupid question when spots the boy filming and talking to the camera. He starts laughing instantly and can't believe, for the first time, Harry is actually grabbing the camera and filming this. It's usually Louis filming these kind of moments, but he doesn't even talk to the camera is just really capturing it. And when it's not him, is his father like he did many times on Christmas before. "Oh my god Harry, you're actually filming" He jokes then

"I decided that it'll be me doing it this time." Harry says now pointing the camera at Louis "Look, this is Louis, my best friend." Harry says and Louis needs to laugh again. "Isn't he beautiful?" Louis tries his best not to blush,  _blush,_ because damn, that would be so embarrassed

"Why are you even talking?" he decides to ignore and say "And why are you using my sunglasses? Give it to me, it's me the driver." He tries to grab them for Harry, but the green eyed boy pulls away and slaps his hand away - the camera is probably filming the car's roof by now.

"Keep your hands on the wheel, or you're gonna kill us boy." Harry shouts, even though laughing and Louis can't stop but notice how happy he really sounds and how free he seems to be. "They suit me better." Harry says smiling and pointing the camera at himself again.

"All right, all right..." Louis sighs dramatically, trying to hold his smile.

"And we need to make this videos funnier I mean..." Harry says holding it in the direction of outside the window and going all around to film everything he can from the car.

"What? You appear in ninety percent of them so it's technically your fault."

"Excuse me?" Harry points the camera at Louis one more time and looks at the older boy in indignation. "Let me just film your stupid face one last time because tonight I'm gonna murder you during your sleep." Harry says in the most serious tone he can make

"Oh Harry..."

~*~

The second hour passes quicker than the first one since they keep the way singing along the songs that come from the CD playing and Harry films some more times. So around half past eleven, more or less, they arrive Liverpool and Louis wished he could be able to record his best friend's face while looking outside the window from the car, looking at the city in fascination.

It takes them more fifteen minutes to reach Louis' beach house and Harry swears that he wasn't expecting such house.

"This is it?" Harry asks when Louis parks the car in front of the modern house. It's not really big, definitely smaller than the one in Doncaster, which is expected. However it still has two floors, the windows are enormous and apart from the white colour, there are parts around the windows that are probably mimicking wood.

"Yes, this is it." Louis answers grinning and opening the door to step outside the car. Harry follows his same steps but quicker.

"This is amazing, Lou" Harry says looking opened mouth at the house. The view is also great and they're literally next to the sea. "Can we go inside?" Harry asks at the shorter boy and Louis laughs by how he looks now, almost as if he had returned to the age of ten, but this time it's like he is not Harry in age ten, more like Louis in age ten.

"Of course, take Daisy." Louis pulls out the keys his father gave to him back in Doncaster and throws it at Harry, who catches it in both hands, still grinning.

He's quick at opening the door from the back to bring the cat carrier with him. He runs to the small stairs from the entrance and goes to the front door. Louis swears he can hear Harry's gasps when he gets inside the house and Daisy meows when he lets the carrier fall from his hands.

Louis makes his best to bring all the suitcases, bags and his backpack at once, failing miserable. But when he gets inside the house, closing the door behind him he spots Daisy's carrier on the floor with the small door opened. He also hears Harry's footsteps from upstairs and it only takes some seconds till Harry comes running from the stairs with Daisy behind him.

"Louis, the bigger room has the view to the beach and has a huge balcony. And you've got a pool and it only takes us three steps to feel the sand from the beach, oh my god." Harry tells his friend as if Louis didn't know any of those things. Louis never heard him talking so fast and almost as if he had run a marathon. Harry's so excited with all of this that his dimples didn't disappear once.

"It's great isn't it?" Louis grins

"Fuck, yes it is!" Harry says and runs towards the kitchen - Daisy still following him - where has the door to the backyard open already. Louis bets that the curly boy didn't even notice that he had cursed.

The house has three rooms, one on the first floor and two upstairs, where has a second bathroom as well. The kitchen is big enough to serve as living room too and on the backyard there is an average pool that covers most of it, the floor is covered in deck, there is a grill, sunbeds and then small stairs that bring them to the beach.

This house is probably Louis' favourite place on earth and he can't believe he is going to share it with Harry for seven days.

He takes the opportunity while Harry is outside to take all their stuff upstairs to the room his parents used to stay. Louis is not sure if Harry will still want to share the bed, he doesn't find it weird if he expects them to, even if he should. But there's two more rooms in the house so they easily could sleep in separate ones. Though, Harry seemed to love the bigger one since the big window is right in front of the bed, showing the amazing view from the ocean, so if they end up in different rooms, Louis will let him take it.

Louis crosses fingers for Harry wanting to be with him during the night as well because they share a bed since they can remember, it'd be really weird for him to be on the same house as Harry but in different beds.

He sends a message to his mother saying that they had arrived, instead of a call since he knows that if that they would spend a lot of time on the phone talking. Sometimes he feels like he's such a momma's boy that make it seem like he's a girl. If it makes sense at all.

"Love? Are you still alive?" Louis shouts for Harry walking to the kitchen after coming from upstairs.

"There you are!" Harry appears from outside with Daisy on his arms "I love this place so much Lou, is perfect and the sea... oh god, the sea I just want to touch it!"

Louis laughs with Harry's comment "Well we can go to the beach tomorrow if you want since it seems like the weather is pretty warm."

Harry's eyes open wide "Really?"

"Yeah but if you want I can teach you swimming on the pool first."

"Can we do it now?"

Louis chuckles "Now we can't. I have the evening all planed, so we eat something here so then I can take you out to show you a place I went when I was younger."

Harry nods happily and puts Daisy on the ground. Louis can hardly tell who the boy in front of him is since he never saw Harry so excited and full of life before.

They end up making pasta with canned tuna since it seemed to be the easiest thing to make and Louis tells Harry to remind him to go shopping some grocery because the food his mother gave to them is probably going to last for two days only.

They set Daisy's stuff in place and Louis prepares his backpack with his wallet, camera and bottles of water. "Make sure to shut the door that goes to the backyard, because of Daisy." Louis says coming from the bathroom.

"Yes, did it previously." Harry nods giving Louis his snapback but saving Louis' sunglasses to himself. Louis notices it but doesn't say anything "Can you tell me where we are going?" Harry asks following Louis to the front door.

"We are going to a safari." Louis smiles and with the look Harry gives him, Louis is sure he is going to put a lot more of effort than he thought to control himself not to kiss those lovable lips of Harry, this whole week.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » let me just say that the place they're staying is all fruit of my imagination, although the places they're going to visit are real because i made some research


	23. Glorious moments

It's official, Harry looks like Louis when he was ten. He has the exact same reaction Louis had when his parents took him to this Safari. Now Louis can truly notice that Harry's life is mostly Doncaster, his house more specific. Harry hasn't experienced basically anything and that hurts Louis, probably more than hurts Harry, because Harry doesn't quite know what he's losing out there. Louis has an idea, because even he hasn't experienced much but he wants to. Harry doesn't know if he wants to but Louis wants to show him, make him want so they can do it together.

But the thing is, Harry seems to want to live again the things he didn't know. He is constantly capturing with the video camera all the animals he feels fascinated with and Louis, instead of enjoying the trip like he should, he's more like enjoying the way Harry's face changes, the way Harry expresses what he is feeling, because yeah, Louis wished he could truly know what he is feeling.

They haven't talked much since they got inside the safari park with Louis' car, but they don't really need to. And Louis is okay with the smiles they share when Harry gets to record something funny an animal had done from his window.

"Harry, fucking shut the window." Louis whines, driving slower now when he spots lions in the middle of the road.

Harry starts laughing and while Louis shuts his window and even checks if his door is locked, Harry keeps his window opened. "Oh c'mon Louis they aren't going to hurt you." Harry says and of course he had to be filming this moment.

"I don't care, just shut it." Louis says tightening his grip on the wheel, shaking and it even seems they are getting further and further from the lions by how slow Louis is driving.

"Louis?" Harry's tone sounds a bit more concerned for a minute "Did you have any traumatic experience with lions?" Louis cringes and shivers with the memory and he can't believe he still gets scared with something it happened eight years ago.

"N-No..."

"You did, tell me."

Louis stops the car and furrows his eyebrows looking at his best friend "You want to hear it to film this and show to our kids later, don't you?"

"Definitely." Harry laughs and Louis rolls his eyes, both not realising the fact that Louis said  _our kids,_ but well, Louis could probably being referring at the fact that their kids are going to be best friends as well... If Harry gets married and adopts... and if Louis gets over his best friend... Jesus.

"Idiot." Louis sighs "I don't know why I still feel scared over them when this happened years ago. But the first time I came here, I had like a monkey to replace the teddy bear I gave to you..."

"Oh yeah I remember that little fellow." Harry chuckles

"So you know it disappeared... basically I was so happy to see lions so close to me that started to wave the monkey out the window and out of nowhere a lion appears and takes it from my hands. To be honest I don't even know how he took it from me and how it didn't hurt me I just know I started crying really hard and my heart was bumping so fast I nearly died."

Louis knows Harry is trying to contain his laugh when presses his lips tightly together "Why didn't y-you tell me?"

"You were going to mock me, you know that by that time I was a kid who thought it was a mature and grown up man."

"I wouldn't mock you Louis." Harry starts laughing "Though, now I do."

"I hate you." Louis sighs shaking his head

"Oh god I'd pay to see that happen back then." Harry cleans the small tears from the corner of his eyes and points the camera again out the window "Hum, Lou..." He calls for his best friend, who raises his head that was previously rested on the wheel "Look who came to visit us." Harry films the big animal filled with fur out the window, with a gigantic smirk on his lips

The moment Louis sees the animal close to the opened window and then looks at his side to see another similar one, he literally yells, his most feminine and pitchy scream yet, and turns on the car right away.

Harry jumps from his seat with Louis' squeal, his face changing from pure shock to amused and he starts laughing loudly and hysterically "Oh my god I-I can't be-believe I recorded all of t-this" Harry says, slapping his thigh by laughing so hard.

Louis limits himself to make an annoyed face and sigh in frustration while driving away, quicker than before "Turn that shit off Harry, I swear to god you piss me off sometimes."

"Hey, don't swear!" Harry stops laughing to say in a serious tone but then fails at it, laughing again.

This time Louis doesn't find the urge to contain his own laugh. There is none to hide.

  When Harry finally decides to stop laughing he opens the window again when there's no dangerous animal out there. When they pass by the zebras Harry's eyes open widely and Louis knows what's about to happen next

"LOUIS!" He shouts "It's giraffes, oh my god." He looks at the big animals walking not so far away from them, towards the side of Louis' car.

Now Louis laughs a little and drives a bit faster to reach them. Harry leans over the window, putting his head out of the car "Harry, be careful." Louis warns him when sees the giraffes getting closer to his best friend.

"Louis they're so pretty." Harry says completely ignoring Louis' warning and Louis needs to laugh by the way his voice comes out. Well, Louis doesn't particularly find giraffes pretty and he can't understand how Harry can, he probably hasn't seen their teeth and tongue... "Do we have food to give them?" Harry asks trying to look at Louis still with his head outside

"We can't give them food Harry and they only eat leaves and sticks for what I had seen." Louis informs him and he's sure Harry has said something but he can't quite understand.

After some seconds he notices the giraffes turning away, walking far from them, however there is a baby one who stays and gets even closer. He sees Harry sitting on his seat, taking his head from outside the window pretty quickly and in the next minutes he sees the little giraffe getting closer to the opened widow

"Holy shit." Louis curses seeing that the giraffe is trying to get his head inside of the car "How is this even possible" Louis says, a bit scared to be honest, but is ignored since Harry's laugh is too loud for him to be heard. How can he even laugh in this situation?

"Louis she's trying to lick me." Harry laughs and tries to step away from the giraffe's head, which has half of its tongue out.

Louis tries to put his worries and fears on the side and grabs the Polaroid camera that was between the two seats to catch the moment "Look at the camera Harry."

Harry quickly turns his head to his best friend and Louis clicks the button to take the picture right in the moment the giraffe's tongue is on Harry's cheek and his best friend as a wild grin on his face.

"That's disgusting." Louis cringes when the picture comes from the camera while Harry just laughs

"It tickles." Louis realises that his Harry's favourite laugh is probably the one when he's being tickled and that's why Louis does it a lot of time on purpose. His eyes keep shut tightly, with crinkles in the corner; it's freaking cute and he sounds like a little kid.

"Disgusting." Louis repeats

"Shut up, she liked me." Harry says now looking at the little animal, who starts pulling away. Louis almost bets that Harry and the giraffe are smiling at each other, which is pretty stupid but doesn't stop Louis to stare and appreciate the moment "Bye!" Harry shouts and waves at the yellow and orange animal while it starts walking away, though, still looking back at Harry.

Louis never imagined that a giraffe could act like a dog.

~*~

"Here." Harry gives a small plastic bag to Louis, who waited for him next to the car while Harry went to the souvenir shop. Louis had gone there first, because somehow Harry wanted to go there without Louis and for much weird Louis had found that out, he kinda felt thankful.

"What is it?" Louis asks accepting the gift

"Open and you'll see, right Lou?" Harry rolls his eyes with an amusement expression.

Louis opens it and his face goes from surprise, to happy and then to a frown. "The face from this monkey looks like an ass" Louis teases but trying to sound serious. The fact that if he put his feels into words and acts he'd be kissing all the spots he could from Harry. Jesus, Harry gave him another monkey after listening to his story, he couldn't love this boy any more.

"Oh really Louis." Harry crosses his arms against his chest "I'm trying to be nice and give you something and you only have that to say to me?"

Louis nods "Yes." But laughs this time "My gift is prettier." Louis takes his own plastic bag from his seat, through the opened window and gives it to Harry, who raises his eyebrows

"You bought me a giraffe?" Harry says looking at Louis in the eyes, after looking inside the bag and grabbing the teddy. The look he gives Louis is probably different from the Louis gave to him.

"It's to match to the picture you know I-" Louis is forced to stop when in a blink of an eye he has Harry with his arms around his neck.

He places a kiss on their usual spot and Louis needs to tell himself on repeat  _breathe he is your best friend, breathe he is your best friend._

"Oh my god Louis, thank you so much." The taller boy says and the whole thing doesn't give Louis' the opportunity to hug Harry back. He doesn't know why, but somehow he didn't find the courage to react this same way when Harry gave him his present – and it fucking deserved this reaction – because he knew, for him, it'd mean something else. That's the problem with this whole thing. He's so scared that he has to live with this  _feeling_  to the rest of his time with Harry and screw everything. "Thank you for this whole thing." Harry whispers and Louis just knows he's with his eyes shut and with a smile on his pretty lips. His so kissable lips.

"Don't thank me love." Louis needs to pull Harry away by his waits but he gives him a sweet smile, which reaches his eyes. "What do you have more in that bag?" Louis changes topic, looking at the other similar bag in his hand.

"Oh, Peter's present." Harry answers

"I also bought him one here."

"I bought him a Zebra."

"Are you fucking kidding?" Louis rhetorically asks.

Well, at least Peter won't replace him with Harry since now both will give him the same present.

~*~

"Harry, in this pace we're only starting this when the moon makes its appearance." Louis rolls his eyes, already waiting for Harry inside the pool. He almost forgot about turning on the machine to clean up the pool and renovate the water before they left after lunch.

Harry is taking ages to  _get ready._ Louis knows he's just in the kitchen trying to calm himself down because Louis knows he's scared of the water. It was a surprise when Harry got so excited with this whole thing about the beach and learning how to swim. For what it seems it only got him the idea that he actually needs to get into the water and that the pool is at least 2 meters deep.

"Wait a second." Harry shouts from the inside and yeah, it really only takes him a second to appear.

Louis forgets to ask himself how many times did this boy stopped his heart. He feels like the fact that he's looking at Harry shirtless, only wearing a pair of trunks, for the first time since the night... the night he took his virginity makes him feel some type of way.

Harry is hot. God, Louis knows Harry is fucking hot and that their hours on their improved gym in Louis' basement reduced Harry's tummy and made him gain some shape while at Louis it didn't do much. It just drives him crazy, he had sure he was straight but then Harry... Harry exists and makes Louis feel something. He can't believe he feels so attracted to a male, especially when that male is his best friend since he can remember.

"Lou? Are you listening?" Harry says and Louis notices that he got closer to the pool.

"Erm, I-I think I am..." Louis answers, gulping and not taking his eyes off from Harry. Harry gives him a weird look and Louis feels the urge to slap himself right away.

"I'm scared." Harry confesses and doesn't give one step closer to the edge of the pool.

"Wha-Harry... Don't be." Louis says waking up. Focus, he needs to focus and control himself. He knows he can do it. "Just, sit and put your feet under water, yeah?" Harry looks unsure at his best friend but walks towards him anyway. He did that many times on the lake so this won't be any different.

"It's cold." Harry frowns looking at his feet under water and moves them a bit. Louis keeps by his side, examining the younger boy.

"It's not cold, I can tell you." Louis chuckles and notices how fragile Harry looks right now. "If I give you my hand, do you come to the water?" Harry bites his bottom lip and shakes his head as a no "C'mon babe. You have feet here and I'm here with you okay?" Louis says in a tender and soft tone, placing his hand above Harry's thigh without noticing.

Harry looks at the touch "But last time I–" Harry starts, voice shaking and Louis can't believe how Harry still has the memory of falling into the lake.

"Last time you were a kid and slipped." Louis interrupts him "It's okay here. I'm by your side and you have feet in this area. You won't drown, all right?" Louis looks at the scared boy in encouragement "Harry, you trust me right?"

"Yes." Harry answers right away

"Give me your hand then." Louis offers his wet hand, the one that was placed on Harry's thigh and Harry accepts it. Very slowly he helps the boy getting into the water till he gets in, the water reaching till only his waist. "See? Easy."

Harry nods, still biting his bottom lip and with his hand holding Louis', now tighter. Louis doesn't know if he's trembling because he's still not used to the temperature or if it's because he's really scared.

"Okay, you need to put your whole body under water." Louis says "Like this." Still with his hand on Harry's, he bends his knees to be smaller till the point his whole body is under water. He returns to the surface taking the hair that flipped to the front of his eyes with his available hand "You can pick your nose if you think you can't do it." Louis informs him but Harry only frowns looking at his best friend and fear is written upon his eyes "Harry," Louis takes a step closer to his best friends and rests his free hand on his cheek "it's fine." He chuckles

"You won't drop my hand, will you?"

"No I promise." Louis shakes his head and swallows his laughter. He can't believe Harry is scared of drowning in this part of the pool but then again he almost died back when they were little so Louis can't blame him. It was hard going to the lake after that episode and Louis knows Harry got really scared.

He shows his fear by the way he holds Louis' hand and with his free one, he picks his nose to go under water. It only takes him a second to come back to the surface and do the same as Louis did.  _Harry sure looks good all wet,_  Louis thinks.

"Very well." Louis smiles in assurance and notice how quiet Harry has been, but pulls that thought away "Now let's try to float. I'm gonna help you."

Louis places his hands on Harry's back and tries his best to tell his best friend that it's okay to drop his hand now. He explains to him what he needs to do and Harry cooperates, still shaking. Louis tries to see the soft touch on Harry's back and under his bum as platonic as possible, not letting it disturb him.

"Fill your lungs with air and try to put your back as straight as possible, so your chest is up, at the surface." Louis instructs and Harry does it "But breathe Harry." Louis laughs when watches the boy holding his breath. "You good?" Louis asks when he keeps in the exact position as he had told him. Harry nods with his lips pursed. "Relax, you're doing it so well. Just bring your legs and bum upper." Louis says squeezing the back of Harry's thigh that he is touching.

When Harry does it, Louis finds impressive the way he can keep the position. So after some minutes floating with Louis' help, he decides to let him go, that only makes Harry panicking and forget his position, shouting Louis' name and going underwater.

While he was floating they kinda started to swim away from the lowest part, so the water already reached Louis' nipples.

Harry doesn't make any effort to turn back to the surface, much the otherwise the way he moves makes him go to the deepest part. With his eyes wide open, Louis dives in and catches Harry by his waist.

"Jesus Harry." Louis almost shouts with the boy breathing heavily next to him, with his arms around Louis' neck tightly and Louis feels his heart pounding on his chest. "You can't do this to me." Louis protests and starts swimming to the edge of the pool to support himself.

When they reach it, Harry doesn't let go Louis and keeps his arms around the blue eyed boy's neck and his legs intertwined on Louis' waits. Right now it feels like he is taller than Harry. "I'm sorry." He says in a low tone, hiding his face on the crook of Louis' neck. "But you shouldn't have let me go." Louis gulps with the way the words come from Harry's lips and with the whole contact their wet and bare bodies are having.

"I know, I'm sorry baby." Louis sighs "Let's try something else, yeah? I'm not good at teaching as you can see but at least I can try make your fear disappear." Harry nods, still with his head on Louis' shoulder "Jump to my back." Louis says and Harry doesn't question, so quickly his chest is pressed against Louis' back, his legs around his torso and his hands on his shoulders, to not suffocate the older boy.

Louis starts pulling away from the edge, swimming to the other side of the pool. The pool is not that big so it's quite easy for him, since he is also a good swimmer. 

"Are you sure I'm not killing you?" Harry asks, his voice still a bit shaky but starting to sound more normal.

Louis chuckles before grabbing the opposite edge of the pool that they were before "I'm sure."

"So you just move your legs and arms to swim?" Harry asks when Louis starts swimming around, now a bit closer to the edges

"Yes" He answers a bit breathless, with his neck already being wetted by the water. "You just need to... kick your legs and push the water... behind with your arms and hands." He explains and when finishes, stops for a bit to recover his breath, Harry keeps holding on his back.  "That's the basis, I think" He grimaces "The easiest type to swim is the freestyle."

"Can you show me?" Harry asks and Louis feels him pulling away from his back to hold himself on the edge.

"I suppose." Louis replies and they go like this for almost half an hour.

Louis shows all the styles he knows, making Harry laugh on the butterfly one since Louis can't quite get the technique because he learnt by watching his father. Afterwards Louis helps Harry one more time doing it and after almost two hours and a half since they got into the pool, Harry is swimming freestyles next to Louis. Still slow, clumsily, his legs still underwater and always close to the edge but Louis finds it an achievement. Harry can only hold himself for five seconds stopped but Louis always catches him, pleased with Harry's naked body pressed against his.

"Still scared of the water?" Louis asks when both are now on the stairs from the pool, the water only reaching their waist in sitting g position.

"Not much... Thanks." Harry answers looking at the new colour the sunset made the water turn and the way his legs move and float.

"No... Just really wanted to make sure you could swim at least a bit properly so I don't have to piss myself every time we get closer to the water." Louis jokes receiving a small push from Harry. "Now really... I know how much that day marked you." Louis says and he still remembers it so well, still knows how his fourteen's old body reacted and how scared he felt. He almost had no time to panic when noticed that Harry wasn't going to come back to the surface... Louis could only think the worse when saw the blood streaming down Harry's temple, his eyes closed and his lungs full of water.

"Yeah it did... because you saved me." Harry interrupts Louis' thoughts, not allowing him to tell his best friend that it did mark him as well.

Louis quickly turns his head to Harry, who is now looking forward and watching the sun disappearing under the ocean. Harry looks so beautiful, his eyes looking like perfect emeralds, shinning there just for Louis. His hair still dropping water but parts of it already dry, forming more defined curls, making Louis wishing he could just touch them and... wait, he can. He knows he can do that, it's not weird because it's just Harry. It's just them. Harry and Louis.

So Louis raises his hand and caresses Harry's curls, his hand barely there so the touch is soft, only because Louis  _needed_  contact, that it takes some seconds for Harry to realise it and catch Louis' gaze on him.

Louis eyes drop from Harry's to stop on his lips. That's when he realises "Are you cold?" Louis asks moving his hand to cup Harry's blushed and cold cheek. "Your lips are a bit purple." He completes, his voice still tender and slow. Harry nods slightly as an answer. "Go take a shower while I make dinner, yeah?"

"You're going to make dinner by yourself?" Harry asks raising his eyebrow and the tense atmosphere disappears

"My mom made me bring lasagne already made, from home. It's just to put in the oven." Louis confesses

"I figured." Harry laughs and both stand up, getting out of the pool.

~*~

"We need to buy some grocery today." Louis informs Harry while cutting into pieces the fruit to a bowl for their breakfast.

"You said that yesterday." Harry whispers from behind Louis' shoulders, squeezing his bum and what the hell, Louis needs to control his moan. _Moan._ Because no, he can't think about how big Harry's hands are and how well they fit on him.

Harry just laughs ready to make coffee this time, since it's too early for him to be awake.

Though, it was easy for Louis to take him out of bed this morning. More like it was Harry who woke Louis up, which is a thing that happens once in a month, if that. And this time it was Harry's turn to wake him up with kisses all over him, like Louis uses to do to him. And wow, what was that feeling? It made Louis' humour change drastically right in the morning, offering a genuine smile to his best friend. He should start writing down the moments he wanted to crash his lips with Harry's.

Like last night. He felt a mixture of things on his belly and they were fighting. Harry didn't mention the possibility of the two of them sleep in different bedrooms, he simply dragged Louis to the big bed and both sat down looking at the view through the window. It was a beautiful night and Louis is so, so in love.

So it seems to be a thing. They sleep in the same bed, always. And that's something Louis should think a bit more carefully but chooses not to. He simply chooses to enjoy.

"Yeah but we really need to go today." Louis says clearing his throat.

"If you didn't have this fetish for big breakfast we would be okay with corn flakes..." Harry teases and gets the table ready with the toast he had prepared before.

"You're complaining about it but you love them." Louis sticks his tongue out putting the fruit next to the coffee and toasts. Harry doesn't find any come back so Louis knows he just won. Happy days.

They eat breakfast, not in silence because that's not a thing they usually do. Louis still remembers the times they both used to spend a whole afternoon only talking for half an hour, if that. Louis liked it despites everything, Harry taught him to like and Louis started to care more and more for Harry with those days. But when Harry started talking more and more it allowed Louis to be sure that Harry cared for him as well. Harry cared since the beginning nevertheless because Louis didn't give him any doubts about their friendship.

Before half past nine they're ready to go to the beach and Louis knows how excited Harry is. Louis is glad that the weather is warm already so early, even if there's a bit of wind but he hopes it's good enough to give a dive into the ocean. He also wants Harry to experience that.

"We're now going to the beach and as you can see I'm tired of walking because it feels like ages to reach it." Harry says to the camera, obviously trying to make a joke since it only takes them to go down the stairs from the back of the house to feel the sand on their feet.

"Harry, you're honestly not funny." Louis rolls his eyes looking back at his best friend who has now the camera pointing at him.

"Excuse me?"

"When you try your best, but you don't suc-" Louis starts mocking Harry but needs to stop when trips, since he was never good walking with flip flops in the sand, over his towel and the big sun umbrella. 

"Oh my god, why do I always catch these glorious moments of you." Harry laughs uncontrollably and loudly, still recording his best friend on the floor.

"Yeah, why?" Louis says in annoyance sitting up and cleaning his hair from the possible sand.


	24. Something only mine

Fucked.

Louis is fucked.

He has been asking himself how the hell this friendship with Harry worked since the beginning.

Oh yes of course. Because previously he didn't feel this attracted and in love with the curly haired boy and also they hadn't been in the beach the two of them where, well, they have to be in trunks, shirtless and under the sun.

Louis needs to stop imagining how Harry's skin would look like when wet because he knows it'd spark and he'd get tan and fuck.

"Let's go to the water now?" Louis asks too quickly. He can't get hard by the thoughts he has been having. Not here, not now, never? So, cold water now would be welcome.

He tried to distract himself by playing rackets but that only made Harry wear Louis' sunglasses again, get all sweaty and make weird noises. So he thought about just laying down on the towel and tease Harry with the sand, which only made Harry get closer to him and they started to be a bit touchy.

"Erm, yeah..." Harry says a bit unsure and no, Louis can't deal now with his fear.

"Great, let's go." Louis stands up from the towel and starts running towards the ocean. There's a normal number of people around by this time in the morning but Louis thinks that at the end of the day will have more.

He feels the cold water on his feet but only whispers  _cold, cold, cold_  under his breath before taking advantage of an average sized wave to dive in. Yes, he needed this.

He pulls his hair out from his forehead and looks back to catch Harry still walking slowly to where Louis is and then stopping when the wet sand starts, still a bit far from Louis. He looks nervous and is giving a weird look at Louis and no. No, Louis didn't just fucking do that.

"Fuck," He whispers and gets out of the water, trembling a bit and walks towards Harry. "Hey..." He tries his best to grin "Want a hug?" He opens his arms, joking to clear the tension but Harry pulls a bit away.

He knows how uncomfortable Harry feels now since Louis left him alone and he's surrounded by people. Louis asks himself if that's the reason why Harry made sure not to left home his bracelets. His scars are barely visible, probably one or two a bit darker but it's like they aren't there, yet Harry knew they were going to hang out a lot so he made sure to bring them from home.

That kinda breaks Louis' heart because when he's around Louis, there's no shame or fear about his wrists. Louis makes him feel as comfortable as possible, acts as if that dark past never happened, but as incredible as it might sounds, it's always in Harry's mind. He had talked to Louis and said that he just doesn't do it due their promise because he still thinks about doing it, he still has those images on his mind, tormenting him as if calling for him to the dark side.

However, Harry makes a good job at making Louis believe that he's his source of happiness and strength, his only reason to live and wow that makes Louis happy and upset at the same time.

"I'm sorry I-"

"Can you give me your hand?" Harry interrupts Louis, stretching his hand towards Louis to accept it. Louis looks at it and then at Harry's face and nods, interlacing their fingers together.

Louis smiles at him in assurance and they start walking towards the sea. Louis squeezes Harry's hand when both feel the cold water on their feet.

" _So_  cold" Harry shivers and literally clenches Louis' hand on his. "But... it feels nice." Harry finishes while this time is his turn to drag Louis further.

The blue eyed boy notices the way Harry curls his toes and giggles looking at the water covering their feet. Louis can't believe this is the first time Harry is actually visiting the beach, the first time he's feeling the cold and salty water in his skin... Louis loves the beach, always loved it and the fact that Harry never felt this amazing experience, never felt this ambient breaks his heart. However, he's so glad for being the one offering it to Harry.

Harry walks more and more till the water reaches their knees and he doesn't seems to be worried about his  _fear,_ I mean the ocean can be so terrific and Harry was afraid to go to a pool. This huge monster doesn't seem to make Harry afraid and that's such an astonishment... Because the sea is so deep, can be so dark and it still has so many secrets... How can Harry seem to be so comfortable exploring it?

His hand is still grabbing Louis' and he doesn't mind when Harry squeezes it tighter because their fingers still fit so well, their hands together look gorgeous.

"This is amazing Lou..." Harry says suddenly stopping and admiring the immense sight

"Are you feeling okay?" Louis decides to ask. The sun feels hot on his skin but Louis thinks he doesn't deserve those rays of sunshine hitting him because wow, they look so much better on Harry's skin, making it shine.

"Yes... God, yes." Harry smiles still not looking at his best friend, still appreciating the beautiful dark blue. "This feels like," He chuckles dropping his head, his grip on Louis' hand turns out to be softer "feels like looking at your eyes Louis... That's why I'm not scared, if I drown I'll be okay. It's beautiful." Louis notices the familiar dimple on Harry's cheek.

His heart is pounding on his chest and his knees feel like giving up. Louis can't feel all right when Harry talks about his eyes, he just can't...

"So cheesy." So he says, trying not to give attention to his blushed cheeks and splashes water to Harry, making him squeal by the coldness on his warm torso.

"Hey!" Harry protests and of course he's doing the same at Louis, though, it doesn't bother as much as it bothered Harry since his body was already wet. The moment Louis is about to keep the fight, a medium sized wave comes towards them almost making them losing their balance.

Harry bites his lip till it turns white and grimaces by the coldness, the tips from his hair are already dripping water from one side.

"My fingers" Louis trembles and shakes the hand that Harry is literally crushing, now actually hurting him.

"Sorry." Harry laughs by Louis' face

"Don't laugh you idiot." Louis rolls his eyes and it's his turn to drag Harry a bit further "And don't you dare to push me." Louis warns Harry, giving him a glower, noticing how the boy was already getting ready. Harry giggles, Harry fucking giggles and Louis needs to shake his head to not go mad.

They spend around twenty minutes in the water. Louis never,  _never,_ dropped Harry's hand. They jumped with the waves and Harry never felt this free, like he was flying and challenging gravity. He also might had screamed a couple of times because he had felt something weird on his feet. Louis always tells him that are possibly fishes or seaweed but that only makes Harry panicking a bit and starting to dramatise about carnivorous fish and crustaceans.

When they get out of the water, to go back to the towel, Louis is forced to turn back since Harry has the idea to trick Louis  _unintentionally,_ making him trip and fall on the sand, one more time.

Well, at least Harry didn't record it this time.

~*~

After some minutes tanning and a bit more of talking and filming – Louis knows the memory card won't last much – they decide to stand up and take their stuff to the house, clean the best they can of sand from their bodies, before getting to the Louis' car to go shopping.

It takes them almost twenty minutes to get on a grocery shop and at the end they get on the car with five bags full of food and other stuff that Louis thought it was essential – but it really isn't. He knows it's late and they need to get back home for lunch but they're in vacations so no rules and Harry sees this little fair happening close to the dock so Louis feels like a father spoiling his child when says  _yes_  to Harry, so they go for a walk around it.

There are a group of people performing in the middle of the deck, singing, playing instruments and dancing so they stop there a bit. Then while Harry goes buy some fruit on the market stalls – Louis is glad that they didn't buy it on the grocery shop since these ones look fresher – Louis goes looking around on the other stalls.

He stops by one where sells tones of jewels and hats, looking a lot like summer. Some brown leather bracelets catches his attention and Harry's journal comes on his mind. He doesn't think twice about asking for two identical, paying right on time before Harry comes with two bags with fruit.

"Didn't buy watermelon because it'd be too heavy and we still have there for one more time." Harry says and Louis is getting used to his constant grin and two dimples saying  _hi_  to him. 

"Did you buy–"

"What do you have there?" Harry interrupts him looking at Louis' hand on his wrist and the other one holding something. They've started walking and Louis didn't ask Harry for one bag, so he didn't need to carry the two, which is so not Louis.

"Oh," Louis finishes putting his bracelet and holds Harry's in front of his face. "I've got a matching one."  He finishes showing the leather piece to his best friends.

"Louis..." Harry gasps and his eyes open widely and it's so beautiful, so beautiful that Louis can't understand how Harry can praise his blue ones if Harry has  _those_. Those beautiful eyes, with the same colour as an emerald, so rich, unique and stunning.

Harry drops the bags on the bench next to them and grabs the bracelet "It's so beautiful." Harry says looking in fond at the small object in his big hands.

"You've to promise me one thing." Louis starts and takes the leather bracelet from Harry's hands, so carefully, but making his best to touch Harry's fingers with his. He frees Harry's left wrists from the few bracelets he had put before and saves them on the pockets from his trunks. Louis makes this always following attentively with his eyes his own movements. Then he draws small circles with his thumb above Harry's wrists, palm of his hand facing the floor, leaving his own mark. "You'll leave your wrist only with this one and will never take it again" He doesn't waste more time and ties the piece around the taller boy.

He looks for a bit at the finishing. He also hopes that this way, when Harry has that feeling of cutting again that he'll think of Louis and won't do it. It'll be easy because somehow Louis is there with him and Harry needs to preserve the bracelet so he can't break any promise. He'll think of Louis the first time he'll look at his wrist and only good things will come to his mind. The things that make him happy, the times he's with Louis and feels free, happy and loved.

"I promise, Lou." Louis feels Harry's gaze on him so he instantly drops Harry's hand and slowly meets the boy's look. Harry is smiling, giving Louis  _that_ smile. The one that has a lot of meaning, says a lot of things that only the two understand and know. The one that warms Louis' heart.

Louis smiles back and nods, as if saying that he understand what the boys is saying and also, telling Harry that he doesn't need to thank him. "Now you can check one more thing on your bucket list." Louis says happily and the fact that he thinks he's supposed to know this, Harry  _was_  supposed to tell him about the things he has on his journal, doesn't make him realise what he said immediately.

"What?" Harry says quiet surprised and his face changes to pure shock and confusion.

Louis relives the last three seconds on his mind and his face changes to guilty and regret. His lips part and he just doesn't take his hand to cover them because he's too busy moving his hands in synchrony as if he was trying to find the right words in the air.

"Erm, you–you told me that you wanted – you wanted matching bracelets." Louis is the worst at lying, especially when it comes to Harry since he hardly ever needs to do it.

"No I didn't." Harry frowns

"Yes you did, when you told me about your list, don't you remember?" Louis bites the inside of his cheek.

"I would, if I did..." Right, he definitely would.

 Louis' mind goes blank and he can't find any excuse, any other  _lie_  that he can make to twist the subject and not making all obvious.

"Louis!" Harry's voice comes like a warning but Louis doesn't want to listen to anything.

"Harry..." Louis says back grabbing the two plastic bags from the bench, however he's stopped by Harry, resting his hands on both his arms. The touch his gentle and it feels good to feel Harry  _touching_ Louis. Louis knows that he doesn't deserve such kind gesture right now. It's not fair.

"When did you – " Harry starts, his gaze is almost stripping Louis, is intimidated even, makes Louis want to confess everything he did and what he didn't do. Louis knows it was wrong, it was wrong looking at Harry's journal because it's something Harry always kept with him and if he wanted he'd show Louis. It's one of the few things that it's only Harry and not  _Louis and Harry._ Like Louis' feelings, he didn't share it with Harry and it's not like he wants to.

"I – " Louis tries to talk, tries to interrupt Harry because  _he doesn't want to hear._ "I'm sorry... But let's go." Louis says in a rush and pulls Harry's touch away, grabs the bags and starts walking towards the car.

He knows Harry is following him but he doesn't dare to look at him, afraid of the expression he might find on that beautiful face. He opens the car and puts the fruit on the back seat before entering the car, on the driver seat. He doesn't wait for Harry to be sat next to him to put the keys, ready to start the car.

Harry sits next to Louis and his movements are so slow and careful that Louis even fears what he's thinking. Before shutting the door, Harry turns off the car.

"Can we just talk?" Harry asks, voice firm but still sounding like the kind and tender kid Louis knows.

Louis doesn't dare to answer. He knows what he did but he can't handle Harry mad.

He learnt that respecting Harry's space is important and it's something Harry always looked for, Louis spent years doing that till Harry decided, slowly, to let Louis in. And he was so in now, he was Harry's life at the moment that he didn't think when opened another part of Harry's life, the part Louis didn't know. It was natural for Louis to know so he just looked inside that precious journal.

It probably seems like no big deal, but it's such a huge deal for Harry... and for Louis because he feels like he lied to Harry and let him down.

"When did you read my journal?" Harry asks. He brought it with him to the trip and Louis had seen Harry writing on it last night after dinner. Louis felt so guilty and at the same time he hated himself because he had seen a bit of that and he wanted to see it all. He knows that exists secrets there that Louis has no clue about and he wants to, he wants to know them all because till now, he thought he already knew. It's seems to be not fair for him.

Louis clears his throat because he can't say  _I didn't_. So he just "It wasn't on purpose..."

"I didn't ask that." Harry sighs

Louis looks at his hands on his lap and his head goes in circles now "It was in that morning after..."  _After we fucked_  and no, just no, that's a subject they talked and at the same time didn't so it's all still so vague. Louis has no clue about what Harry felt that night and then... then he asks himself if Harry wrote it down on that paper. Maybe Harry writes there what he's afraid to say... but Louis thought he wasn't afraid to talk by now. Talking with Louis, his best friend. "... after your birthday." He says then "It fell from the desk and I just... fuck, I'm sorry I just," Louis almost shouts, talks quickly, desperate to make Harry see his point.

"I can't believe you read it Lou..." Harry speaks looking at Louis in the same intimidate way, the one that makes Louis feel worse and weak. His voice isn't loud, it almost sounds sad, like his look and Louis just wants to run away because the space in the car is so small, yet he feels so far away from Harry.

"I... I know I'm really sorry I didn't mean it."

"Yes you did, otherwise you wouldn't do it." Harry is speaking so calmly and Louis doesn't know if that's a good signal.

"I know..." He claims to know so many things but there are so many lost ones that he doesn't know but wants to. "I didn't read everything, I promise. I just – I just..." he stammers there's no way he can find his words to speak what Harry deserves to hear.

"You just?" Harry raises his eyebrow and he's waiting, he's waiting for the words Louis can't say

"I just... I reached your bucket list but didn't even finish."

"It was a lot..." Louis opens his mouth but closes again, it wouldn't be good to say  _I know_  again, in that same sad, stupid and guilty tone of voice. "Louis, I didn't want you to read it. You know I – " Harry sighs again, he seems to have trouble with his words as well. He takes his hands to his curls, Louis envies his fingers right now, they're able to touch Harry skin all the time and even if Louis can, it's still not enough for him.

"But why? Why didn't you tell me about that? Why didn't you talk to me about everything you have there?" Harry looks surprised at his best friend and then purses his lips tightly together.

"You know I have that since I was a kid. I wanted to keep it to myself, always. Even if you are..." he pauses "even if I have you, I wanted to preserve it, knowing that I still have something just to myself." Louis frowns, what does Harry even wants to mean  _with having something just to himself?_

"But we..."

"I know Lou." Incredible how Harry knows what Louis is going to say without him even  _saying._ "But that journal is supposed to be there when you aren't."  _A replacement?_ "That's what those quotes are for. When I feel bad I go read them because it was you who told me them. All those drawings, things that I wrote, are meant to be my thoughts. And it's like you just got into my mind. Louis, I gave you everything, everything that it's mine is yours, physically and emotionally... that journal was supposed to be something only mine." Harry's words catch Louis' breathe, his voice, what he chose to say, everything got inside of Louis to rip him on the inside.

"Fuck," he breathes out and breaks their gaze because Harry's look right now isn't something Louis can handle. "Harry... Harry, babe," he takes Harry's hand to his lap, across the car. He only looks at their intertwined hands, imagining what it would be if he could keep holding Harry's hand like this forever or holding like he used to hold when they were kids. Walk around in the street with both hands locked as if saying that Harry is Louis'. Not property just someone Louis cares and has with him and wants to keep. Wants to protect.

"I'm so sorry... I swear, I feel so bad about all of this. I'm truly sorry I – I just felt like..."  _jealous?_ Of a journal Louis? "... like it wouldn't make you feel like this, because I'm your best friend and I thought we knew everything about each other and we were – "

"One." Harry completes, voice husky and so, so beautiful. "Do you think that's right, Lou?" Harry asks and Louis feels those green eyes on him once again. He knows Harry doesn't mean it but it kills Louis.

"I think... I think, yeah..." he answers. He can't even answer properly but he knows Harry got it.

"Isn't that scary for you?"

"It is a bit." Louis squeezes Harry's hand and finally looks at him. Harry is still looking at him, for the first time he blushes almost as if he was caught doing something Louis wasn't supposed to see. "But it's okay." Louis smiles a little and he knows these words always comforted Harry in a way. "Please forgive me, I know I shouldn't have read it. I'm sorry I – "

"I forgive you." Harry says. How could he stay mad at Louis? "Just... don't do that ever again Louis. There are certain things that I don't wanna... I can't talk with you."

Louis tries his best not to look down by the way those words hit him and hide his disappointment. So it's true, Harry still hides things from Louis, Harry still can't talk about  _everything_ with his best friend.

Louis was wrong all this time, part of Harry is still that same seven years old boy, sat on the sidewalk across the street, who can't talk with anyone.

~*~

At night Harry is the first one falling asleep. Louis kept holding Harry's hand above his belly and playing with the similar bracelet he also has. Sometimes he'd switch to just caress Harry's face or slide his finger up and down on his bare arm. It just a simple and tender gesture that Louis does sometimes, yeah, sometimes he likes to stay more time awake, let Harry fall asleep first to enjoy the silence. Harry's warmth next to him and just check if everything is okay while he sleeps.

It's not creepy, it's just love. Louis loves Harry in all ways possible so he likes doing this.

He enjoys the little snores Harry lets out, likes to look at his beautiful, pink, parted lips and he mainly likes to feel the power of being the only one able to be next to Harry this way, being sure that in the next morning, he'll wake up the same way. There's anything behind this thoughts, just innocence and for much naughty thoughts Louis might had have of Harry, he has more pure one, fruit of his fond towards the green eyed boy.

However, this one precise night Louis is also busy with his fear. He's having thoughts that not even the gorgeous boy next to him and the beautiful lights and view coming from the window can make it stop.

He hates himself for having this urge to stand up from bed and have a peck on Harry's journal just one last time, one last time to know everything Harry is saving to himself but decided not to tell Louis. Louis wanted to know all Harry's thought because he bets, he knows, they're worth it to be share and that they must be beautiful but at the same time terrific. Harry can be so mysterious sometimes and even if Louis likes that about him he wished Harry wouldn't be that way with him.

He's being so unfair and egoist but it's not like he promised Harry that he wouldn't look at the journal again... However Harry seemed so sad about knowing what Louis had done. Harry made it clear that he wanted to keep that one thing to himself only. Louis, as the friend he is, he should respect it. He respects Harry so he won't do it.

He won't.

He kisses Harry's temple and whispers a  _goodnight_ and  _I love you,_ which means more than he usually would transmit to Harry if he was awake.

Next morning Louis is focused on make it up for Harry so he wakes up a bit earlier and prepares breakfast alone and for much he'd prefer having Harry next to him he knows it'll be worth it. He puts all in a tray and brings everything to the room. As expected, Harry is still sleeping.

Louis rests the tray on the table and carefully goes to the bed next to Harry. He always looks particularly stunning under the mess that are the sheets, with his curls spread on the pillow, while his arms are around it and his eyelashes gently touching his cheekbones. Louis wished Harry could be shirtless right now because he can't imagine the new tanned skin from Harry's back pecking from the white duvet, just there asking for Louis to touch it.

He bites his lip to hold his grin and presses his bare chest against Harry's back. He starts placing kisses above the fabric from Harry's tank top, on his shoulder. Then, he sinks his face on the crook of his neck, still easily able to smell the shampoo from the shower last night. Louis likes the fact that Harry's natural smell is a mixture of Louis and Harry himself, maybe cinnamon and apple on the cold days and expensive perfume on the hot ones. Which is weird but Louis loves it. God, _he loves it._

He pulls Harry's hair away to expose some skin and be able to kiss his neck. He feels the boy shivering underneath him, which is Louis' cue to slide his hands down the younger boy's body and pull them under Harry's shirt, finally feeling the warm and soft skin of him.

Harry moans, or just groans for being awake but Louis giggles looking at him hiding his face on the pillow. "Raise and shine my sunshine." Louis breathes out and places more kisses on Harry's bare skin from his arms.

"You're tickling me." Harry's morning vice is Louis' weak point but if it is his kinda cold fingertips touching the skin from the side of Harry's waist making him talking this way, then he doesn't mind to feel the ache on his knees and the turbulence on his belly.

"Am I?" Louis asks in a sweet, still mocking, tone, brushing his nose on Harry's hair, next to his ear.

Right in the moment he does it, he feels Harry's face moving to meet Louis'. Louis pulls away in time but it only makes their noses touch slightly and having a short and hot space between their faces.

"Hi!" Harry whispers, voice catching on his throat. He gives Louis a lazy smile and  _wow_  Louis needs a moment alone to breathe and recover from everything. But he can't and right now he just wants to stay this way for a bit. He deserves it.

"Hi love. We're going to have breakfast in bed this morning." Louis says moving his arms around Harry more comfortably but not pulling away their faces. It's amazing how this is kinda normal but Louis can't step the other line, can't go any further.

Harry groans once again shutting his eyes tightly and making his best to pass his hand between the two, to rub his left eye. "You spoil me way too much."

Louis chuckles with his comment and leans over to press a wet kiss on Harry's cheek. "Don't say that."  _Though, it's true._  But Harry deserves it.

Harry hums and keeps his eyes shut "Hope this doesn't sound bad or anything but sometimes we look like a couple." Harry says and Louis can't quite catch the last part by the way Harry seems to eat the words.

"What?"

"Nothing beautiful." Harry says opening his eyes and smiling to Louis. It's not usual for Harry to call him beautiful but Louis smiles back and when Harry suddenly puts his arms around Louis' body, to switch them and lay on his back, so Louis is laid down on top of him, he says "Let's have breakfast then."

While breakfast Louis tells Harry where they're going today. He hasn't thought about much but he knew Harry would enjoy to visit  _The Beatles Story._ And yeah, he was so right, so fucking right.

Harry gets ready fast, even if he has to go grab their swimsuits from the backyard, since they were drying. He does it quickly and makes their lunch bag as well to drag Louis out of the house as soon as he can, not even caring that it's only half past nine and that's bed time for Harry.

Around 3pm they come back home since they made a picnic in a park, their first picnic, and Louis decides that that's their thing and they should do it more often instead of going to restaurants. Even in Doncaster, so they decided to make a picnic beside the lake when they get back.

"Help me carrying this." Louis says giving Harry one lunch bag while shutting the car. They walk towards the house and Harry opens the front door for them to come in "You'll have to help me here now."

"I made the bed today Louis." Harry says in an annoyed tone.

"Hey, that was because you wanted and were in a rush, today was supposed to be my day." Louis teases walking to the kitchen. "I think it's only fair if you help me without – " Louis stops himself when gets in the kitchen. He puts the stuff on the balcony and the way Harry has frozen next to him as well means that he clearly knows what probably happened "Harry..." Louis' tone his firm, strict and a bit alarming "You didn't shut the door?" Louis looks at his best friend who is looking confused and also in panic

"I – I did..." Harry says not so sure of himself

"You clearly didn't because it's fucking opened. I told you to shut it." Louis warns him, pointing at the door.

"And I – "

"You nothing," Louis raises his tone of voice "Daisy!" He shouts finally moving his body and he basically runs out of the kitchen to look for the kitten. "Daisy!" He repeats and the sound is barely audible from the kitchen now.

Harry keeps frozen looking at the opened door, playing with his fingers next to his body and chewing his lip.

Louis' voice echoes the house always calling the same name. His footsteps can be heard from downstairs and after some minutes Harry feels his presence in the kitchen again. "Daisy!" Louis' sounds like he's going to breakdown, he runs to the opened door, to the backyard looking for the cat there.

 

He shouts desperately for Daisy till he comes back to face Harry. Harry's eyes are almost in tears but Louis seems not to notice "Where the fuck is she Harry?" Louis shouts and Harry shakes his head, finally making a move but only to take his hand above his mouth. "Why are you there instead of looking for her?" Louis cries out "She's fucking missing!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » I don't feel like this chapter is good enough but i've been feeling like doing nothing but at the same time i want to do something, though i can't write and my mind goes blank. does that make sense? it's because i'm on summer holidays and am spending my days locked in my room. 
> 
> however, i'm going away for some days to the capital so there won't be any more update this week , i'm not sure when there'll be either because i need to sort my head with this story.


	25. Like you are mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » honestly sorry for how long this took but i was at the capital and then went to Spain and had no time to write really. Tho' this whole time was good for me to get the excitement of writing back, so hope this chapter is good for you (it's fucking weird but i'm actually proud, finally) and yeah i just wanted to apologize. By the way, pls talk to me about the new cover bc i'm never secure about it as you might notice.
> 
>  
> 
> Playlist:
> 
> Promise by Ben Howard
> 
> Let it out by Ed Sheeran 
> 
> Save my heart by Jason reeves

_Harry's eyes are almost in tears but Louis seems not to notice "Where the fuck is she Harry?" Louis shouts and Harry shakes his head, finally making a move but only to take his hand above his mouth. "Why are you there instead of looking for her?" Louis cries out "She's fucking missing!"_

Harry doesn't speak, so no answer is given to Louis. Louis has no patience for that, he needs Harry to speak or he'll end up pulling his hair out and then blame that to explain the small tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

"Harry." He walks towards the frozen boy, voice firm, which is a surprise since he feels like crying at any minute. Harry is already... crying and now Louis is able to notice it, though it seems like it's not something for Louis to worry about. "Tell me you saw her." No answer, Louis knew it eventually "You fucking left the door opened, it's your fault that she's gone" Louis looks so mad that it covers all his sadness. However, Harry shows it all. He bites his bottom lip till it turns white so he doesn't let the embarrassing sob come out from his mouth.

"I did –"

"What? You closed it? Did you really Harry?" Louis asks throwing his hands up in the air in frustration. His voice is loud and Harry is so worried about Daisy at the moment that he doesn't have time to feel surprised with the unusual tone of voice coming from his best friend.

"I –I..." Harry sighs, which turns out to be a mixture of a quiet whimper and a sob. "I didn't..." He confesses

"I know... I fucking know. She's not here you –"

"Don't speak to me that way." Harry cries out, hurt is the only thing found on his eyes, covering all the beautiful green and leaving wet tears as its mark.

"How do you expect me to speak then, Harry? I warned you a million of times and even then you forgot it? I don't fucking know what your idea was since the beginning to open the god damn door every time we got in the kitchen –"

Except that Louis knows, Louis knows why Harry opened the door every time they'd wake up or would be only in the kitchen talking... it was because Harry liked the way the chill air filled the room, the small sense of the beach, the warmness from the rays of sunshine, the way the sunset looked through the opening, the way everything looked nice and how free he'd feel with that door opened. He had told about it to Louis and Louis smiled because the way Harry explained him, with adoration, the way he loved to  _look and feel_  the beach in the house, made him feel so in love and happy. It just felt right.

And maybe – definitely – that's why Harry feels even more hurt by the way Louis spat  _I don't fucking know what was your idea since the beginning to open the god damn door every time we got in the kitchen,_ as if it didn't matter, as if Louis haven't listened to him and haven't smiled the way he always does. As if he had forgotten and now he's just so full of hate.

_Hate._

Towards Harry? This is so not right and it makes Harry feel in his worst. They hardly ever fight and even then they don't shout this way.

However, Harry can't stop but hate himself, not only because of the way Louis is talking to him but the way he feels like he deserves it. Like he deserves when everyone else shouts at him this way.

 _Daisy._ He can't cry because of the way Louis is acting, because Daisy is missing. That precious kitten.  _Their_ pet,the one Harry gave to him on the first time they spent Louis' birthday together, the one that made Louis nearly cry by adoration, the one that got that name because of their memories... They love the cat so much, it's like their family and now... now she's gone and he can't stop crying. He doesn't even notice the way the tears are streaming down so hard. Maybe because Louis doesn't either.

"Why are you throwing everything that way to me?" Harry half shouts but he can't since the tears are taking over him and his voice sounds weak.

"Because it's your fault," Louis shouts, though, his emotions are trying to speak even louder "she's gone Harry," Louis starts crying "she's fucking gone and you didn't even help me trying to find her." he quickly cleans his tears with his bare arm.

"I'm –"

"I can't fucking believe this," Louis rubs his temple and while Harry is still frozen in his place he doesn't stop his pace around the kitchen. He looks around praying that the luck is by their side and the kitten will appear. He whispers – he was trying to yell really – " _Daisy",_  desperately but with no success. "She's fucking gone Harry and I'm so mad at you." He looks furiously at his best friend apart from the tears. "So mad, you let this happen and –"

"Don't you dare Louis." Harry's tone is defensive. "Don't you dare being mad at me like that."  _As if you hate me_ , he wants to say because that's what Louis is passing through his behaviour now. "Do you think I did it on purpose? God Louis do you really think? Don't you think that I'm sad about this?"  _Don't you see my tears you dumbass._ Louis needs to see them "I can't even recognise you. I loved that cat as much as you did I just –" he gulps, trying to control his tears, which only makes his throat hurt and his eyes burn. "it's not fair." He sobs and hides his face on his hands. Louis needs to look away from his best friend... so heartless "I didn't stay mad at you when I knew you looked at my journal."

"Oh don't bring this up now." Louis says forgetting how his heart was warming up and the guilt was consuming his veins.

"Why? Because you know I'm right? Because you know I had the right to stay mad at you and I just didn't because..." He stops for a moment as if thinking if he should continue the sentence this way. "...because it's you, Louis?"

"Daisy is missing and you come up with this shit now? Really?" Louis scoffs and oh, Harry is so hurt, so damaged by how cold Louis is being.

"I'm coming up with this because you're hurting me with what you're saying and how you're saying. I feel bad enough for letting this happen but you seem like you don't care about how I'm feeling." Harry confesses and Louis flinches a bit with the way  _you're hurting me_  hits him, however he manages to get rid of that awful feeling.

"How you're feeling? How you're feeling, Harry?" He says wryly "What about how I am feeling? I can't believe you dare to say that because Daisy is missing and you seem not to care for that right now."

"What are you saying?" Harry looks widely at his best friend, not recognising him. He can feel the hot tears covering his whole cheeks, reaching his chin already but he hasn't even move from his spot since the argument started so he won't probably be wiping them away.

"What I am saying is that this is all bullshit and I can't even be here looking at your face right now." Louis spits, voice soulless and that only makes Harry look at him with sadness on his face while looking at the shorter boy walking away from his sight.

That wasn't the Louis Harry met and the Louis who saved him and believes in him. That's not the Louis who makes Harry happy and smile all the time because right now he made him cry. That's not the Louis who puts Harry always in first, not even thinking about himself once, the Louis whose heart sometimes is beating only for Harry.

Harry feels guilty enough for letting this happen to Daisy, just the thought that she won't ever come back makes him feel like someone is squeezing his heart and now he also has to deal with Louis hating him.

Yeah, right now Harry believes Louis hates him so he can only find the strength to walk outside to the backyard, sit on the corner beside the pool, looking at the horizont and cry. Cry with hope that maybe he'll see Daisy coming back, walking on the sand and sit next to him with a sweet  _meow._

That never happens so Harry keeps his head rested on his knees while his legs are curled up on his chest. He swears he can listen to Louis cries coming from the opened window from the room upstairs.

~*~

Louis walks quietly to the kitchen. His eyes are still burning and he's sure they are sore and red. He doesn't even feel ashamed and embarrassed from crying this hard for so long being nearly nineteen. The sun is setting by now and he can see a silhouette outside, he knows too well from who belongs to.

He sniffs not caring about the noise he might do and walks outside towards Harry. He stays stood up there, far away from the boy admiring him from his back. The small light from the sun is hitting Harry's curls, making its colour lighter, it's quite beautiful. Louis can notice that he has his chin over his knees and is also admiring the sun diving under the sea.

Louis doesn't dare to move for a while, asking himself if he even deserves stepping closer to Harry. To the boy he loves. He takes a deep breath and walks towards the taller boy who right now seems so small and vulnerable.

Harry only notices Louis' presence when the blue eyed boy is stood up next to him, but even then he doesn't turn his gaze to him. Louis thinks it's only fair so he sits down next to his best friend, in the same position as him – his arms around his legs, which are against his chest – and doesn't say a word, neither looks at the beautiful boy.

Harry isn't crying anymore but Louis knows he probably stopped minutes ago since he hears him hiccupping – still trying his best not to be noisily, Louis only finds it cute. He can't believe the way he treated his precious boy. He was only scared, shocked and sad because hell, it's Daisy. The thought of her being missing made him holding his breathe and he the only way for him to start breathing again was throwing everything to Harry.

Sure it was his fault but Louis knows he had no right to speak to Harry that way, especially knowing the effect it would have on the younger boy.

 "Harry..." Louis' voice cracks for being in silence crying too much time. The ten minutes of silence between the two boys seemed enough for him, however, not for Harry, who doesn't answer and keeps looking at the ocean. The dark sky is already starting to make its appearance and the sun is nearly there. "Harry, I'm so sorry." Louis tries again. His voice desperate and he's looking at the curly haired lad now, who only gives him the view of his profile. Cheek flushed, eyes glassy, eyelashes wet and lips pursed.

"Daisy..." He starts but Harry doesn't even flinch with the kitten's name being spoken "I found her in the room here downstairs, sleeping." Louis says and it's almost amusing. He actually laughed when he saw the cat laid down on the bed, of course after a sigh of relief. He was so happy to see the white kitten again but the guilt spoke louder.

Harry quickly looks at Louis, eyes wide open now and Louis asks himself how such sad eyes can be so beautiful. "She's... She is okay?" Harry finally speaks, voice broken, lips parted and he seems to let out a sigh of relief.

Louis nods as an answer "The little fucker was sleeping all this time, not giving a fuck about us." Louis jokes because he needs to break all this tension. He needs to be okay with Harry, make him okay.

This time Louis is sure Harry sighs, closing his eyes and stretching his legs a bit forward till his feet hit the fence. "God, such a relief..." he whispers

"Yeah... it seems like everything was unnecessary." Louis says sadly not daring to look away from Harry, even if he doesn't dare to look back.

Harry hums as if agreeing with Louis but Louis can get the tip of sadness he's trying to hide for Louis' sakes. "Listen, babe..." Louis' voice is soft and the instant Harry listens to it he finally meets Louis' eyes "I didn't... I didn't mean any of that," Louis makes his best not to reach Harry's hand to have some contact, that's what he needs but he still thinks he doesn't deserve it, also, he doesn't think Harry wants it. "I was so mean to you and you didn't deserve it, I'm so sorry. Harry I –"

"It's fine."

"It's not fine." Louis says firmly "Don't ever say that it's fine someone yelling at you and treat you badly. That's never fine and you don't deserve it." Louis looks deeply into Harry's eyes. Harry needs to understand what his best friend is trying to say. It's always like that, Harry still thinks when his parents yell at him and treat him badly is fine. It's not and it's Louis' job to make him believe it. "You understand Harry?" Louis asks and Harry looks at him in fond for a second till he nods. "I didn't mean to hurt you with my words, you have the right to stay mad at me now and –"

"Shh," Harry hushes Louis by covering his lips with his hand. It's nice feeling Harry's skin on Louis' lips and that doesn't allow him to finish it. When he has sure Louis isn't going to finish he slides his hand down and maybe the eye contact and the way his fingers touch Louis' lips aren't necessary. "I don't want to stay mad at you." Harry says quietly and Louis is glad he doesn't look away from him.

"You don't want to stay mad at me...?" Louis whispers, it's more to himself and it's half a question because how can Harry not stay mad at him? He has all the reasons, for not talking about the journal's subject.

"Of course I don't." Harry replies seriously even if he wasn't supposed to listen to Louis' voice "And Daisy is okay and I know you were in shock and it was the moment. I know you didn't mean it." Harry smiles a little

"But never allow me to treat you like that again. Punch me if you need to, but don't..." Louis says and Harry knows he's being serious, he is really, but he chuckles either way.

"All right."

"All right" They smile at each other and for Louis' sadness Harry looks away to turn his attention to the sky. It's dark by now and the fact that there's only one light coming from the kitchen illuminating the space and the beach is all dark, makes it easier for them to watch the stars in the sky. And it's not only a few like they're used to see back in Doncaster– 

"The sky looks beautiful..." Harry speaks Louis' thoughts, but Louis starts laughing quietly and Harry looks at him confused "Why are you laughing?"

"Because I was going to say,  _no you look beautiful_  and that's just the cheesiest thing I'd ever say to you." He chuckles

"Actually, there was that one time when –"

"Don't..." Louis warns his best friend, who laughs as well but turns his attention back to the dark sky.

Louis knows he should be looking at the stars as well because it's not healthy and right for him to be admiring Harry in a time like this. He needs to forget his feelings for a moment but he seems to be so stubborn because he seems to not let it go.

"Come here..." Louis says opening his arms, he needs Harry's touch, he needs the boy  _closer, closer, closer..._

Harry slowly turns his head to the blue eyed boy and he understands what Louis pretends. He lets his body fall into his chest and when Louis puts his arms around the taller boy he lets himself fall, so both fall into the floor. Louis' back on the deck and Harry's head on his chest.

"Lou..." Harry whispers as protest for not warning him that he was going to lay down.

"Shh," it's Louis' time to hush him. He starts stroking Harry's hair and this time is Louis' time to look at the sky while Harry looks up at him. "I can feel you watching me." Louis smirks and notices how the boy shakes his head as if waking up from his trance and then looks up at the sky right away. "I know you got upset about me looking at your journal," Louis starts after chuckling, now his tone of voice is serious "but I want you to achieve all those things from your bucket list..." Louis confesses. He feels Harry getting tense on his arms but he tries not to give much importance to it. "So you can check stargazing on it." He says softly. Louis made sure to memorise all the things he read on that journal.

Harry smiles but it fades away in seconds "I think there are things that I won't be able to make."

"Why so?" Louis looks down at the boy who is playing with the fabric of the collar from Louis' shirt.

"It's just... there are things that are kinda impossible to happen. Things that are only my dreams..."

"From the ones I read, it seemed okay and not hard to realise."

Harry doesn't answer at that and Louis asks himself what Harry might have written more on his bucket list that seems so impossible to make it happen.

"Why do you want to help me to make that all happen?" Harry asks after some seconds in silence.

"What?" Louis heard it correctly he just can't understand why Harry still asks him this.

"You heard it."

"Then you know why I asked that." Louis chuckles but then rests his fingers on Harry's chin, making him look back at him. The floor doesn't feel uncomfortable when they're cuddling like this and finally so  _close_. "You mean the world to me Harry..." this words might be anything, it might not sound like a poem, it might not be an  _I love you_  with the meaning Louis wished it had, but it's like a promise and it has so much behind it. It's the truth and that's what makes it beautiful, this is not said in vain. Harry is Louis' world and the fact that he's been for years now and the feeling seems to grow, it only makes Louis sure that the apocalypse is far to come. "I thought you already knew that. Don't you believe it? That I care? That I want you here with me always?" Louis asks softly while the younger boy looks up at him perplex. Louis can even see his own reflex on Harry's eyes and he only feels special for that because it means he's with Harry, he's alive.

"I –I do... You know I do I just..." Harry sighs and shakes – tries to – his head, feeling stupid. "I'm so lucky..." He breathes out and Louis knows it wasn't supposed for him to heart it so he doesn't comment, saying that if Harry feels lucky then Louis can't even imagine what he is, probably there isn't a word on his vocabulary.

They look at the sky for a moment... a moment that turns out to be more than an hour but neither of them seem to notice, much less care about it. Harry feels too comfy with Louis' gentle touches on his skin. They're simple; a stroke of hair, a brush of fingers, a touch of arms and Louis only kisses Harry's temple once, when the touch starts not to be enough; all of this only to remind Harry that he's still there and as if making sure everything is okay. The silence is their way of speaking, they're breathing the same air and somehow they make their chests going up and down in synchrony.

The night looks beautiful and Louis is sure he has counted every star he can see. He doesn't name himself crazy as he should when he starts talking with them on his mind. Asking them if they know about his future. About his future with Harry. He doesn't get any answer so he makes up on his own. However, it's his secret and only he will know how he wishes his life in the future will be.

"Harry, baby," Louis starts, but at the same time he listens that hoarse voice he knows so well calling him "Lou..."

They giggle and Louis pulls Harry's hair away from his forehead. Somehow their legs found their way to each other so they're tangled. The floor still feels comfortable "You first." Harry says and his voice is so beautiful, so beautiful that Louis wouldn't mind to listen to him reading the whole dictionary.

"I was wondering... Did you ever think about the future? How is it going to be?"

"I try not to." Harry replies

"Why?"

"Because I'm scared. Scared about what my future can be so I try to avoid it and keep up with the present. Isn't that the most important thing?"

Louis wonders for a bit looking at his best friend but answers "Maybe. But I think you shouldn't be afraid of it because it'll come, the future will come sooner than you expect and you need to accept what he has to offer you. So it's good if you're ready for it, especially happy. Ready and happy." Harry giggles with Louis' words, hiding his face on the curve of Louis' neck. The hot breathe in that area warms Louis whole body up.

"You have an answer for everything." Harry's voice is muffled by Louis' skin. Louis now keeps running his hand up and down Harry's spine, just so he can have more contact. It's never enough. "So tell me. Have you? Thought about the future?" Harry pulls away his face to look at the blue eyed boy.

"Yes."

"And...?" Harry presses the subject when Louis doesn't speak up his thoughts.

"You're always there." Louis says honestly and he feels Harry's whole body tensing up. He doesn't catch up his green eyes wide open because he can't face Harry now. "Because I wasn't lying you know... when I said you meant the world to me. And to be even more honest, a world without you is not the one that I want to live in." Louis looks at Harry, sad eyes meeting surprised ones. Harry is still with his head upon Louis' shoulder, Louis is still giving him gentle touches, their expressions are the only that changed. Louis can't stand the fact that there's a chance that Harry might have to leave his life. For a moment, for a while or even forever... All of the options make him feel sick. "So are you? Gonna be there, I mean?"

Harry stares at Louis for a while and maybe he forgot how to speak because he thinks he's actually answering with his eyes to Louis. "I-I am. I am going to be there, yes." Harry answers and Louis knows he means it. Harry wants to be there with Louis, he truly does.

"You promise?"

"Promise." Harry smiles for a moment "And are you? Because I want you with me always Louis, I can't... I don't think I can -"

"Me neither. I don't think I'll, so yeah I promise my love." Louis leans over and makes his best to kiss Harry's forehead. "So how will it be?" Harry looks at Louis weirdly but Louis answers his confusion right away "Are we going to the same university, maybe I'll follow drama and you arts or perhaps you decide to be a shrink and then we will move away to another country?" Louis says in a dramatic tone of voice.

Harry laughs grabbing the fabric from Louis' shirt once again, Louis doesn't mind though. "Maybe... But I'd love to live in London."

"Didn't you come from there?"

"Yes. But I love that place, maybe as much as you love this. You never went there, did you?"

"Not really." Louis answers

"I wished I could take you there one day Lou. That place is amazing, the sky might seem to be sad all the time but that only makes you cheer up otherwise you might think. You need to cheer up because you can't be sad with the sky..."

"We will live there then." Louis says with a genuine smile on his lips. He even smiles with his eyes, with his cheeks, with his whole face and body. Harry only laughs as if he isn't believing in Louis. "I'm being serious Harry." Louis says touching Harry's face, caressing his cheek bones, only to make those green eyes direct to him. "I'll make everything so we can live there together."

"I'd love to." Louis is forced to pull his hand away when Harry lays his face back on his shoulder, near his collarbones. "Live there. With you." Harry whispers and Louis kisses his hair.

"What were you going to say previously?" Louis needs to speak since the sleep was already taking over him between these minutes again in silence, however so much was said in that period of time.

"Oh," When Louis looks at Harry's face, his cheeks are a bit rosy as if he was blushing. No, he definitely is blushing. "I remembered about something I wrote for you, I mean... about you." He says not meeting Louis' gaze, even though he's feeling those blue eyes staring at him and he just feels exposed. "I can't tell you everything I have in that journal but –"

"Harry you don't need to."

"No. No I don't, but I want to. Share something with you. You deserve it and I always... always wished I could have the courage to tell you about the things I've written and drawn about you... but I never –I never got it. You read a few, but I want to tell you myself." Harry confesses and it's so important for Louis to listen to that. Harry doesn't need to prove anything that he trusts Louis, but the fact that he's doing this because he simply wants to, makes Louis feel good.

Louis keeps silence but squeezes Harry's hip as if saying that it's okay. "There are... There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt;" Harry starts, voice so sweet and it sounds like he's singing.  "swimming in the ocean while it rains, reading alone in empty libraries," his voice is slow and Louis listens to him attentively while looking at his gorgeous face, trying to catch every expression it might be important to "the sea of stars that appear when you're miles away from the neon lights of the city, bars after 2am, walking in the wilderness, all the phases of the moon," Harry is pointing at the moon but Louis is looking at his hand "the things we do not know about the universe, and... and you." He takes a deep breathe

"And by how beautiful you are I need to touch you..." Louis keeps looking at Harry and his greens eyes go wide "but, like, not inappropriately." Harry says louder than he has been speaking but Louis doesn't see anything wrong so he doesn't react "I just wanna feel every piece of skin you have underneath my fingertips. I wanna know how it feels like. I like to be able to say that I know your body, know every bit of you. Know where it feels good, where it makes you giggle, where it makes you shiver, where will make you arc your spine." Harry is blushing and his voice is slow and comes between shorts gasps "And I want to kiss every mark you might have, cure your fears with my touch and make you see fireworks. Like you do to me. I wanna be sure you are real and you are there. Breathing. Next to me. Be sure that you're not only a beautiful dream I have every night. I want you all and at the end I want you to make all of this to me to be sure that there is an us and that it's not only my imagination. That I am yours like you are mine. That it's mutual. And that won't be anyone else making you as happy as I can make you."

Harry finishes with his face blank and Louis... Louis only doesn't cry because he cried everything he could previously and his eyes feel too heavy for that. His heart is pounding on his chest but he forgets everything that is around him, even the beautiful sky, even the reason why breathing is important.  

He places his hand on Harry's waist and in a second he's spinning him around so he's on top of Harry. His green eyes look like glass, crystal even and he looks at Louis surprised but he's so beautiful. So beautiful underneath Louis with those plumped red lips, as if he always wears lipstick, which call for Louis' every time he looks at them.

Louis puts his both hands under Harry's shirt, just to feel the warm skin underneath his fingertips like Harry said. He goes all the way up, not caring if he's exposing the younger boy's belly a bit, there's nothing behind this touch only softness, and leans down at the same time.

His lips connect with Harry's neck, slowly leaving traces of kisses on the exposed skin. He feels Harry shivering underneath him with the whole sudden gesture.

"So beautiful Harry, that was so beautiful..." Louis whispers on Harry's collarbones, the so lovable and shaped bones. One of his hands makes its way up so he can rest in on Harry's jaw. "Thank you," he continues in his low tone, still not giving attention to Harry's reaction. He doesn't even allow himself to think. "Thank you, my love. So beautiful. So good." Louis places kisses on Harry's skin every each word.

Harry smells good, always smells but this time it seems like has another effect on Louis.

He caresses Harry's jaw with his thumb, gently and in small circles, while he gives wet kisses on the other side. Harry is biting his lip and Louis wished he could speak now, say what's been through his mind while Louis is on top of him, kissing his skin as if he was whispering promises, and with half of his chest exposed. Say something, really, even if it's to tell him to stop.

"Lou..." Harry breathes out when Louis sucks a small but still painful and pleasurable hickey right in the curve of his neck, close to his jaw. Only to prove Harry that yes he is as his as he is for Harry.

"Yes baby... You're beautiful. All you said is beautiful and..."  _and I'm so in love with you_ "and thank you for telling me it. I loved it I –"

"Lou..." Harry repeats but this time it doesn't sound like a gasp, half moan, it sounds tenderly and Harry's voice is so catchy to Louis' ears.

He grabs Louis' face in both hands and makes him look at him in the eyes because the way Louis was speaking... shaking and the way he sounded like at any minutes he'd break down made Harry a bit worry.

He has nothing to worry about, Louis has. Louis can't believe Harry could share what he wrote this way while Louis can't speak his truthful feelings. Harry thinks Louis is brave and can do everything he wants because he fears nothing, because he was always a man, even as a kid... But Louis feels like he's disappointing Harry, as if he's lying to him.

"Harry..." Louis' voice sounds so dead and he feels ashamed to have kissed this gorgeous boy's skin underneath him, touch him this way and feeling the way he did. Differently.

"Talk to me Lo –"

"I just really wanna kiss you..." Louis says lowly and he believes he's under the effect of drugs even without taking them. He quickly hides his face on the crook of Harry's neck and Harry is frozen now.

"Wh –What?"

"Harry..." Louis repeats after extensive seconds and he asks himself if Harry really understood what he had confessed "Let me just take you on a date tomorrow." He whispers "A real date." Louis kisses Harry on their usual place and let's his eyes fall shut, gripping Harry's waist and just not slapping himself because he's out of energy.

He doesn't need Harry to answer him, he doesn't expect and he doesn't want it either. So the answer never comes. Minutes, long minutes pass and in that dark night mixed with silence, Harry's voice is heard by the waves of the ocean "Louis?" but there's no answer and Louis is sleeping with his head on Harry's shoulder and being held by his best friend, the one he loves deeply.

 


	26. That's my fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Friends by Ed Sheeran 
> 
> Can't keep waiting by Autumn Hill

Louis feels half of his body cold, really freezing, and the other half feels comfort and warm. The moment he's slowly trying to open his eyes he feels himself moving and his head, which previously was rested in something comfy and soft, slides down to the hard floor. Louis feels two arms wrapping around him straight away and he's pushed against a warm and soft chest. He notices that Harry had put him close to him and using his arms and legs as a blanket. Better, he feels much warmer.

He probably groans or makes some type of noise by how comfortable the position is, ignoring the fact that it's hard for him to breath, because Harry notices he's awake. "You're shivering." Harry whispers close to his ear while stroking his soft hair. Louis instantly grips Harry's shirt on his fists and he feels so small right now. "Better if we go to the room."

Louis hums and it doesn't work as an answer, he's still so sleepy and so comfortable, but Harry probably takes it as if it was because he moves, not pulling much away because Louis still feels the warmth from his strong body.

Louis doesn't know how Harry does it, but he's carried out of the floor and suddenly he's on Harry's arms. His eyes open a bit and he probably looks like a baby right now, he never thought this day would come, Harry carrying him as bride style to bed because they had fallen asleep outside. His hands make their way around Harry's neck and he doesn't give another glance to the dark sky and chilly night when he buries his face on Harry's hot neck.

Harry chuckles a bit and Louis feels him placing a kiss on his hair before starting walking. He hears the door shutting behind them and he's surprised that Harry didn't let him fall by trying to close the door with his feet.

"I'm heavy..." Louis' voice comes from his throat but it still sounds soft and low to Harry.

"You're not babe." Harry whispers back even being them the only ones in the house, while climbing the stairs.

Louis hums one more time before saying "You aren't supposed to carry me..." because no, Harry isn't. He's the younger one, the fragile one and is Harry the one supposed to be taken care of, not the other side. But fuck, why does Louis has to be tinier and Harry fucking tall.

"Why not?" Harry asks in amusement and Louis knows they're getting into the room. He also knows he can't reply to Harry with what he's thinking about.

"Because... just... because." he whispers sleepily against Harry's skin.

The way Harry gently lays Louis down in bed would make him think about millions of things, would light up those feelings Louis is so afraid of, however he doesn't have energy for it and he's still half sleeping since he doesn't remember what happened before he fell asleep on Harry.

The sheets are pulled up to cover his body and then Harry is laying down next to him. With eyes shut, Louis reaches for his best friend for a cuddle and he doesn't mind that is Harry holding him and it's him who looks so fragile.

Harry's hand goes up and down brushing Louis' bare arm like he usually does to the younger boy and Louis lets a sight leave his lips.

Before he falls asleep once again he listens to Harry's tired voice "I love you" he says and that would make Louis wake up in another circumstances because it's been a while since they share those three words and the last time Louis had said it Harry didn't say back. But he falls asleep with the comfort of Harry's warmth, once again.

In the morning, when Louis wakes up he's still in the same position he fell asleep last night. Harry is still holding him and he still feels his soft touches. Louis can't just remember how he ended up in the bed if the last time he recalls he was outside. With Harry. He was apologising. They talked about their future. Harry told Louis about what he wrote for –about –him. In a blink of an eye Louis was on top of Harry. Kissing his neck. And telling him... oh god.

"Good morning sleepyhead" He hears Harry in his usual tender voice

Louis quickly pulls away from Harry's chest but not too far since it's quite impossible with Harry's grip. The bed is huge but they manage to keep themselves in the centre, occupying the space of only one person.

Louis frowns a bit looking at Harry, however, the younger boy doesn't drop his smile and his soft look. Louis remembers all too well about last night but does Harry too? Louis needs to remind himself that he can't act crazy and definitely differently. Natural, he needs to be natural.

"You seemed to be sleeping so well, it's past midday." Harry chuckles. It's weird though, Harry seems to be awake for so long and Louis... Louis overslept and now he remembers when Harry carried him to bed and how he managed to keep in the same position, curled up on Harry's chest. Louis can't find the reason why he decided to have a perfect night of sleep, especially after yesterday.  

"I thought you wanted to go to the beach early."

"Yes but when I woke up I was too lazy and comfy and as you can see through the window, the weather doesn't look happy." Harry rests his head on his palm while his elbow is pressed on the mattress and he points with his other hand at the window.

Louis makes sure to get rid of his shocked face and looks at the window. The sky is totally grey it almost looks like those cool days when he usually spends in bed with Harry even if it's in the afternoon and they've their daily clothes. They just lay down talking and sometimes snacking, or they decide to tease each other, or even playing with Daisy but always in the room with the blinds from the window open, ready to at any instant look at the drops of water falling on the glass from the window.

Louis groans and let's himself fall on the mattress again, now on his belly, grabbing the pillow on the side and laying his face there, looking at Harry.

"No fun. What do you wanna do then?"

"Hm, maybe we can eat something first and just be around here for a bit," Harry's eyes are locked with Louis' and Louis is listening to him, yes he is... he isn't only looking at his lips moving and admiring the way Harry looks at him as if... as if he is the world, the stars, the sun, the moon... the universe. "And then..." He leans a bit over, placing his hand over his other one and gets a bit closer from Louis. Not too close because Louis can still breathe his own air. There's still that safe space between them. "... then you can take me on that date you talked about last night." Harry smiles. Harry fucking smiles and Louis' eyes go wide. He does remember and now he's answering Louis. "Or were you just joking?" Harry's smile drops a bit

Louis opens his mouth but no sound comes and he looks like a complete fool now. They need to talk about this, they need to. Because okay, this date means a lot to Louis and he wasn't particularly kidding about it, he was serious and was feeling too brave for his own sake. The guilt was speaking so loud because Harry is the brave one here and Louis is the guy who can't speak his feelings to his best friend because he's too afraid. Maybe of rejection, probably, but also and mostly because of their friendship. This can change a lot, this can ruin everything.

"I –I ..."

"Were you joking, Lou?" Harry repeats and Louis has no voice to answer to that desperate and hurt question. Louis has no strength and his head is going around and it's all dizzy. Why did he wake up, why did he do what he did last night?

"I... I wasn't." Louis confesses and he can't fucking look at Harry right now so he looks at the sheets. How is Harry going to react? What is Harry going to think?

"Oh, okay." Harry says simply and from his tone of voice Louis can tell he's smiling. And he is, Louis looks up at him again and there it is that dimple saying good morning at Louis in such a majestic way.

"Okay?"

"Yes okay."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Because they do need to, right? Best friends don't go on dates and Harry knows it. And if Louis asked Harry to go on a date – and leave alone the fact that he said to Harry that wanted to kiss him, but let's hope the young boy didn't listen – then he's almost confessing that he does want to be more than Harry's best friend. He wants to be more, he wants more from Harry.

"Not yet." Harry replies and he sounds so firm, he doesn't seem to be nervous like Louis is. Louis is almost shaking for god sakes.

"Okay." Louis repeats Harry's words even if it's not really okay.

"So where are you going to take me?" Harry sounds too smug but he looks away from Louis to lay belly up, looking at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. Louis just wants to tell him to change this subject and Harry should know better that Louis is feeling uncomfortable with it but he decides to keep mentioning.

"Dinner." Louis replies though, his voice is so little around the room. "A nice dinner. Like we never had before." Different because that's what this whole thing is gonna be, different. Louis is not ready but he can't wait for it. "In a good restaurant."  _Like those cliché posh ones, the ones you love and deserve._ "And then... then you will see." Louis keeps his voice low. He knows he can't keep secrets from Harry – except well... you know – that's why he told him about the dinner. But he truly wants to surprise the boy with the other things he has prepared. He is embarrassed for having planned this date weeks ago. On those nights he stays awake looking into the darkness and wondering what would it be, their first real date. It's nothing special but  _screams Harry &Louis._

"Sounds wonderful." Harry doesn't stop smiling and that kinda makes Louis relax. Kinda, because he's so anxious about all of this that he smile back at Harry for a moment and drops the gaze right away, laying his face on the pillow, looking away.

Louis doesn't need to tell Harry that it's enough of talking about this subject because now, the curly boy gets it.

"Wanna stay in bed for a little while." Louis' voice comes muffled but Harry understands. He needs to rest his head and clear his mind for tonight, he needs to calm himself and think about millions of things to do so he doesn't screw anything.

There's no response from Harry but he feels the younger boy laying down as well, not so far from him but there's no touch between them. Minutes later Daisy appears and Louis finally looks at Harry because he needs. He needs to see the fond on Harry's expression when he looks at the kitten. It's the first time he sees her after the incident so he smiles widely and says  _I was so worried_ and _I missed you,_ as if Daisy would understand everything.

Louis just keeps looking at Harry playing with her, trying not to think. But it's a bit hard when the concern is a constant. He hopes, he even prays, that after tonight things will still be the same between the two.

~*~

The day passes slowly, which has good and bad consequences, both the same. Louis has more time to think. Thinking leans to concern and anxiety and he is sure Harry is trying his best not to ask Louis what's wrong. Maybe he knows the answer, maybe he knows Louis doesn't want to talk about it so he doesn't pressures the boy, or maybe because he wants to avoid the subject as well. Maybe he is as worried as Louis. He doesn't know.

So after a long time in bed, they decide to go downstairs to the kitchen eat cereals because it's too late to eat dinner so cereals is always their answer. They watch a movie, they talk with Louis' family but they don't talk much with each other. Not that it's awkward, but both understand.

It's around 6pm that everything hits Louis but he's determinate to keep it cool about everything. He mentally tells himself that he's a man, like he used to do as a kid. It always worked so it has to this time as well, and this time he finally is. He doesn't feel like it and it's amazing how when he was nine he actually felt like a strong adult.

"I'm gonna get ready." He says standing up from bed and looking around on their suitcase and wardrobe for clothes. Harry doesn't answer but Louis feels him watching his movements.

When he finally has a dark blue shirt, a pair of jeans on his hands – simple clothes but that was hard to choose – and all the things he'll need to get ready, Harry opens his mouth to talk "Where are you going?" He asks looking at his best friend walking away from the room.

"Downstairs." He simply answers and when sees Harry frowning, still sat on the bed with his laptop he continues "Use this bathroom that I'll use the one from there."

"Why?"

"I wanna do this in the right way." Louis finishes and makes sure to smile at Harry before leaving the room.

He knows Harry will take less time than him, so he makes his best to get ready at quarter to seven. He brushes his teeth, he does his hair the best he can, making it soft and his fringe brushed to the side nicely, he basically takes a shower in his cologne and checks himself in the mirror at least five times.

He wants to look nice and he knows it's stupid because it's _Harry._ The one who had seen him sick, who had seen him purging when he got food poisoning, who sees him right in the morning, pale, with sleep in his eyes and his hair in his worst. The one who sees him drooling over the pillow at 4am, who sees him with his glasses, eyes tired and with dark circles under them, studying at 7pm, who had seen him crying hard till his eyes got swollen and still... still finds him beautiful whatever his appearance might be, whenever he is tired or sleepy, Harry always finds something beautiful and unique on Louis.

But today is different. Louis can say whatever he wants to stay relaxed, can do whatever he prefers on the date to keep things normally but he knows it'll be different.

He gets out of the bathroom and he's sure Harry might be ready since it's almost 7pm and he never takes more than fifteen minutes to get ready – and still looks his best, damn – but probably doesn't know what to do so stayed upstairs waiting for Louis. However, Louis has another idea.

He grabs the keys, opens the front door and goes outside, only to shut the door and look around trying to find what he wants. He's sure there is wild daisies in here, at least he remembers to see them. And he finds it, beside the house on the grass, just like the ones Harry was playing with the first time they saw each other. It's a tradition now, so he picks as many as he can and holds them all together with the hair tie he keeps on his wrist, from his sister.

He rings the bell and knocks twice at the door. He takes a deep breath and seconds later he hears Harry's voice from the inside, although he opens the door after shouting Louis' name twice.

Louis' face lights up when he sees Harry. He's dressed with his black jeans and the matching white shirt of Louis' dark blue. His curls are nicely brushed and defined and Louis is sure he also took a shower with his perfume because he can smell it perfectly. He looks gorgeous and Louis is taking this boy on a date... it's too much to process.

Harry's expression is from pure confusion at first but then Louis smiles widely and hands him the flowers, with the other arm behind his back.

"Lou..." Harry laughs while accepting the flowers

"You ready?" Louis keeps smiling and there it is... there it is the special glow on Harry's eyes, shinning only for Louis.

"I –I am yes." Harry starts going with the flow, probably reminding himself about what Louis said _, I wanna do in the right way_ "Let me just put the flowers inside." He says smiling and disappears into the kitchen.

"Do you have the keys?" He asks when appears at the door again.

"Yes I do." Louis says and takes Harry's wrist to lead him outside. They shut the door from behind them and walk to the car.

When they're both sat on their seats and Louis starts the car he meets Harry's gaze and both smile at each other. There isn't one word spoken between them but Louis relaxes and doesn't feel that knot on his stomach he was feeling since this morning. He reminds himself,  _it's just Harry, your best friend so everything will be okay_.  _Everything will stay normal._

_~*~_

When they arrive at San Carlo, an Italian restaurant, Harry gets why Louis wanted to come earlier. He hadn't made a reservation so arriving early would be important so they don't have to wait tones of time for a table.

Louis admires the way Harry looks around when they're already sat on a table. The ambient is amazing, the tables are covered in a white towel, with small lamps in the middle, the chairs are red and the details in wood on the walls are amazing.

"Do you want to share a pizza or do you prefer going for the pasta?" Louis asks, waking Harry up from his trance but not making the boy stop smiling.

"I don't really know... the pasta seems amazing but then the pizza..." Harry groans, looking at the menu and then at Louis at time. "I can't even choose, the menu is huge." Louis laughs at his comment.

"Well, we can order both."

"You're crazy."

"No, really. We order a medium pizza and a plate with pasta and we can taste both of then." Louis grins and Harry should have expected this suggestion from Louis by now.

Once, they went to a restaurant with Louis' family and they were torn between three dishes, so they ended up ordering the three so the two shared the meal.

"Fine."

They order their food and the drinks when the waitress comes to their table. It's a pretty lady in red lipstick, nice blue eyes, perfect teeth, dark long hair now in a ponytail and really friendly. It had to be Louis asking for everything in Harry's turn since he never feels comfortable doing it – though he is doing better when they go to the supermarket, since Louis has been helping him with his anxiety and it was Harry who bought the fruit the other day so it's a progress. However, Louis couldn't stop but notice the way the waitress smiled at Harry by seeing how shy he was being.

Louis laughs a bit with the way Harry thanks the woman before she walks away with their order and she says  _you're welcome sweetheart_ , making Harry blush.

"You're getting better in dealing with people." Louis comments. Even at school he can't stop but notice that he talks better with their classmates. Louis still gets worried about the fact that he is the only person Harry can count on. Louis would go crazy and he might not have other friends – mostly Harry's fault, but that's not a bad thing for Louis – to tell things and talk because Louis doesn't think he could handle this feelings' thing alone. If it wasn't his sister sometimes he would probably explode.

But there are still basic things in life like socializing with other people, a thing that Louis is able to do but Harry isn't.

"A bit. Thank you."

"Thank you for what?" Harry thanks Louis a lot, once he thanked him for being a person and breathing, which made Louis laugh but tell him that he loved him... and would still love if he was a plant, which didn't make much sense but Louis understood.

"For helping me with this thing."

"Oh. I didn't do much." And before Harry could deny it Louis finishes "You always do everything by yourself. I'm just there to hold you when you fall so you can keep going."

When Harry is going to say something else, the waitress comes back with the wine Louis ordered. Harry looks weirdly at it. She opens the bottle and puts a bit on both their glasses. Smiling and telling them the time the food will take, she walks away.

"I thought you were joking about asking for wine when you showed your ID." Harry says looking at his glass with the red liquid in it.

"I wasn't. This is supposed to be their best wine and I thought that this was, erm, a good occasion." Louis replies a bit unsure.

"Does it taste good?" Louis shrugs since he never really tried this type of wine "Well let's try then..." Louis actually feels surprised with Harry's chill with this thing but really, both need a bit of alcohol right now. "Cheers" Harry raises his glass and Louis does the same.

"Cheers."

When both bring their glasses to their lips and give one gulp, they both make the same grimace looking at each other.

"Pepsi?" Louis asks with the same disgusted face

"Pepsi."

~*~

The dinner goes perfectly fine. But, like, just as expected. Louis couldn't feel nervous about anything because the moment they start talking, with Pepsi replacing the awful wine while waiting for the food, Louis forgets that this is supposed to be a date. Harry probably forgets about that as well and that only makes Louis relax  _and relax_  and smile... because hell, he's so fucking happy. Like the normal happy and that's exactly how he wanted to feel.

Louis also hopes the waitress got that idea. Somehow he wanted to prove her that they're just best friends who hang around like this and hide the fact that he's deeply in love with the curly boy in front of him, whose laughter is louder than the whole people's voices talking from the restaurant and who he is with his legs tangled under the table platonically. Because let's admit it, the touch is needed, familiar and normal. Normal is good now and since they aren't side by side like they usually are so there's this touch of hair, brush of thighs, mess with fingers, they needed to find another way to still be  _close_. 

He's not sure if the beautiful lady got his idea but she didn't find weird when Louis asked her to take their extra plates because they were going to share the pasta and the pizza so no need of that. She only laughs and plays with it, a thing that isn't even normal happening with them in a restaurant since they always embarrass Louis' family by eating from the same plate. 

Sure it's harder tonight when they're on the opposite side of the table, but they still manage to do it even if the white towel gets a bit – a lot – of unnecessary sauce's stains. They only laugh about it because it's not important now. Everything is blurry because they're having a deep, deep conversation.

"I'm telling you, that one time when we were walking home after coming from the book store, I swear that pigeon asked me for money." Harry comments putting a bit of pasta on his pizza. Louis doesn't even cringe with that, he does the same, he only cringes by Harry's comment. They're so fucking weird.

"You told me about it," of course "and what was my comment?"

"Yeah Lou, but listen –"

"My comment..." He repeats smirking.

Harry sighs deeply "That one time when I told you about Daisy telling me to go study, what did you say?" Harry tries his best to mimic Louis' voice, not failing completely

"And what did you say?"

Harry rolls his eyes "That you weren't studying when you should have been for your test so it was the pressure."

Louis smiles triumphantly "Same thing."

"It has nothing to do with that."

"Yes it does. You owned me money that time." Louis points it out, raising his eyebrows and resting his back on the comfy chair

"No I didn't." Harry says indignantly

"Yes you did. From that bet we did and you lost. Obviously."

"You're so full of bullshit."

"Excuse me my friend but I'm a honest person"

"Oh yeah? What bet did I lose then?"

"Well young Harry I think the night is too short to name all those times you lost against me." Louis smirks and Harry opens his mouth playing hurt and shaking his head.

"You're such an awful person,  _Lewis_."

"Did you just called me –"

"Excuse me, are you finished?" The waitress interrupts, only to make them notice that they've eaten all the food already.

"Oh, yes, thank you." Louis answers and smiles politely when the woman takes their plates. Harry silently mumbles  _fake_ at Louis, talking about his smile and Louis answers with a  _fuck you._

"Will you want the dessert?" She asks

"I'm so full Louis, I don't think I have more space." Harry comments looking at his best friend.

Louis only smirks and prepares for his next cue "I bet you can't eat the cheese cake and the petit gateau while I can."

~*~

"I think I'm gonna puke." Louis groans, wrapping his arms around his belly and walking painfully slowly through the street.

"That's your fault, not mine." Harry laughs and tries his best to speak and walk normally as if he wasn't in pain as well. "Imagine if you had won." Harry smirks

"Oh shut up." He groans one more time and Harry needs to laugh again by the way he's walking behind him. His back bent over and head down. "Don't be so smug of yourself. It's probably the first time you won me at something anyway."

Harry shrugs "Yeah but I won the best price. Watching you in pain, the pleasure of saying  _I told you_ so and you paid for the whole dinner."

 "Oh shut up. Besides," Louis starts walking straight and trying to keep side by side with his best friend. His face still shows pain but the look he gives Harry is softer "I was going to pay for dinner anyway. It was me who invited you."

"Oh," Harry simply says and his expression changes as well, though, Louis shouldn't feel worry but he still realises that it's the first time they mention that this is actually a date. This is different from the other times. "Where are we going then? Because the car was on the other way." Harry changes subject right away, as if saying Louis that he still doesn't want to talk about this whole thing.

"Oh, yeah, you'll see. The way is just fifteen minutes by foot and I think," He groans and stops for a second "it's nice if we just walk to digest... the food."

Harry shakes his head laughing but still grabs Louis' arm to make him walk saying "come on old man."

The walk seems longer than fifteen minutes, probably because Louis walks in slow steps, which would be terribly annoying for another person, but for Harry is just ... cute. He also can't stop protesting and groaning and Harry makes his best to ignore the people's look. It consists in this and them hoping that it doesn't rain because if that, they'd probably be fucked.

They reach the docks and then keep walking as if following the river. "Why are we in an arena?" Harry asks, he actually isn't tired of walking because this way he got to know a little bit more the city and wow, it's incredible.

"We are going to what the arena is hiding." Louis says, now feeling better he takes Harry's hand in his so they start walking in bigger steps. Their hands aren't intertwined like they usually tend to be when they hold hands, they aren't even holding them properly, so Louis doesn't feel the so well-known storm on his belly. If that, he'd probably blame the whole food he has on his stomach.

They go along the street around the arena and when they spot some people in a queue and Harry looks up, his eyes shine and his lips part in surprise. Of course Louis has to catch his expression since the start of his dimply smile till the way the crinkles in the corner of his eyes appear.

"Lou..." Louis is sure Harry just gasps

"I know it's not like the gigantic Ferris wheel from London. But this is Liverpool and it is the best I can get you." Louis shrugs a bit sadly. He knows that Harry probably wrote on his bucket list  _ride a Ferris wheel,_ after seeing the huge one in London, so this one is nothing in comparison. But he still wants Harry to make it and who knows one day he can take Harry at the one in London. Or maybe the otherwise.

"Lou..."

"Harry..." Louis laughs but then he feels Harry pulling him into a tight quick hug and then pulling away by his shoulders.

"Let's go, please, please, please..." He whines like a little kid and that only makes Louis chuckle and start walking to the queue.

They wait a bit till it gets their turn to buy the tickets and get on the cab, Harry always jumping a little as if he wanted to go pee and once again, he looks like Louis when he was a kid. A happy kid, a thing Harry wasn't.

At the end, for Louis' relief, they stay alone in a capsule since they were the last in the queue and it is about to close. Silence takes over them and thankfully it doesn't make Louis drown on it and feel alone in the dark. Harry is just in front of him and even not making any physical contact, they stay looking at each other. When Harry's lips twist into a warm smile, he looks away at the window to look at the view.

It goes like that in the first round and Louis was sure that they'd stay in silence the whole time. It's a comfortable silence so it's okay. But then Harry meets Louis' gaze and they lock eyes once again. Louis blushes a bit – and what is going on – since Harry just caught him staring, but that's surely not the first nor second time this happens.

"Why did you ask me on a date?" Harry asks and this is the moment when Louis' heart stops. Harry notices the way Louis tenses on his seat and how his blue eyes go wide so he continues "I mean... we hang out so many times Louis, why did you want to name this one?" and yes, that's true. But they're best friends and Louis is conscious that those other times weren't like this. Even if they acted normal tonight, it had another meaning. "Is this even our first date?" or he thought it had.

"Erm," and why is he hesitating on his answer "I –I think so..." Harry's expression keeps the same, which is hard to read so Louis just feels like there's not air enough in this capsule. "No?"

"Lou... This is serious."

"Fuck," Louis breathes out "Harry please don't." he's literally begging because, hell he knows this is serious, he knows this is dangerous and – "I'm so scared." he just wants Harry's arms around him but he knows that won't happen now. He also remembers the time Harry said him that they couldn't, after he made sure that he wanted Harry to kiss him. Harry knew, he needed to. And Louis is sure he's the only one in love here because Harry made it clear. "I have no idea what this thing is for you, I don't –"

"This was nice." Harry interrupts him "I liked it. We never, like, had a dinner like this one. And you brought me here, which is amazing. It was different."

"Exactly, this is different Harry, besides everything, it's different. And this different is –" 

"Do you think is right, Louis?"

"No." Louis replies lowly, looking down at is lap. It's wrong screwing their friendship and Louis is so afraid about what Harry can think about the way Louis feels towards him. Knowing that he's gay for him, that their kiss was something else for him, that when they were high and fucked, Louis felt it and it felt good and he just wants to do it again. No, he wants to make love to his best friend over and over again and that's so wrong and Louis wouldn't feel surprised if Harry found if disgusting.

"But it was always okay, Lou." Harry breaks his thoughts in his soft voice. Slowly but alarming he looks up at Harry again "I don't wanna lose you. That's my fear, losing you. It just torments me because you're my everything and I'm so thankful for everything you've done to me. For being alive, helping me to be as well. You know that don't you?" Louis bites the inside of his cheek till he tastes blood, but he nods anyway even if it wasn't supposed for him to answer. "I don't want that to change and... I love you so much Louis, really I love you but –"

"I know you do Harry and I love you too but you need to know that... that –" Harry smiles but it's so small, so little almost as if he's saying  _no you don't_.

"It scares me too Lou..." So he says "how I love you... it scares me as well."

Louis doesn't know what to do, what to say and he's not sure if Harry just confessed what Louis wants to do for ages but has too many fears to do it so. Once again, Harry is the brave one and Louis is the person who can't speak, can't speak his feelings. He hates it, he truly does and now Harry just smiles to him sadly, when he doesn't say anything back and looks at the window again.

He doesn't have a voice so he can't make Harry talk, continuing speaking because they need to talk about this and they haven't done it yet. But then he realises, they haven't done it because he can't speak. Harry talked and for what it seems he said what he wanted and Louis knew he was waiting to hear something back, but it never came. Louis is just a coward, a coward that wants to keep a boy safe with him and just magically make him understand what he's feeling. A coward who wants to be with such a wonderful and brave boy.

~*~

Louis honestly just wants to break all this silence by shouting  _Harry can't you fucking see that I'm completely in love with you? That I fell fucking hard for you?_ But he fucking can't and if he could he'd break all his bones. It's been almost thirty minutes of silence.

Silence while they finished the last round on the Ferries wheel, silence while they walked back to the car, silence the whole way home. It just sucks and fucks everything up because this is what Louis fears and it fears what Harry is thinking right now.

He parks the car not in front of the house like it was previously, but a little further from it – not much though, just on the park two minutes away. He isn't going to screw up their date as well, especially when it can be their last one.

"Hum, I was planning about taking a walk on the beach." he informs Harry, his voice picking on his throat by the amount of time he was quiet worrying about everything. His head is a mess and he has so many thoughts messing around with him that he needs this last walk.

Harry nods and offers him a small, tiny really, smile. "That's really nice" and wow, it feels good to listen to his voice.

They walk to the small stairs that goes to the path in deck and Louis takes off his shoes – they were killing him since he isn't wearing socks – and walks to the sand.

"Lou," Louis sighs in relief "You know it's really dark out there." Harry almost whimpers.

"I know. You trust me?" Louis offers him his hand and Harry looks attentively at him, but he doesn't waste time taking off his shoes as well, putting his socks inside of them and nodding, he accepts Louis' hand.

Louis takes time observing the way his smaller hand fits so well with Harry's bigger one, the way the spaces between their fingers were made to fill up with the other one. It's perfect, warm and familiar so Louis loves it. He squeezes Harry's hand but doesn't look at him when starts walking and leading the boy along the sand.

It's true, it's dark. The only lights available are from the weak lamps on the other side of the deck, and the moon. However, the sky is still covered in clouds so the full moon is being hidden by them. The waves are loud on the side and maybe that's why Louis feels like Harry is afraid of them now.

"They sound so close from us." Harry comments, voice low but still so soft and beautiful mixed with the sound of the ocean.

"But they're far away, don't worry."  _Like us right now_ , Louis thinks. He wishes that there was more lights so he could see Harry's features better, instead they only become a little bit visible if he stares for a long time.

He knows the walk won't be long because the rocks close from the house aren't too far from where they are walking now. But it's still good and the cold wind is wonderfully hitting his face. It still feels warm somehow.

"Thank you," he hears Harry's voice. He doesn't answer, he doesn't need to. He also isn't sure about what Harry can be thanking him for, but he knows all the reasons why Harry says this. Every. One. And there are so many. "Thank you for loving me." but Harry explains the reason, which is surprisingly good.

 _And I do, I do love you so much._ Louis wants to say, but he doesn't, instead he holds Harry's hand tighter.

"I wish I could tell you how I love you, Louis." Harry whispers, loud enough not to be swallowed by the waves so Louis is able to listen to him. "I wish I could tell you everything I keep inside of me."

 _Me too, and I keep so many, especially the way your eyes made me fall for you and it hurt It hurts._ Louis remains in silence, the wind speaking for him.

"But I can't find the right words. I'm sorry."

_Don't worry, look at me, I can't even speak._

"You make me feel really... really special and you offered me not only a friend. I need you, Lou."

_And I want you._

"I feel this way for such a long time but you never noticed. Maybe because I never really wanted you to know. Because it's so intimate, it's just another secret."

_Harry..._

"I was so scared because we're best friends. Best friends aren't supposed to kiss,"

_Meanwhile I want to kiss you all the time_

"Best friends aren't supposed to sleep in the same bed, aren't supposed to act as if they're one person and love each other this way."

_But I love you, I love you, I love you..._

"I'm not supposed to love you this way, Lou..."

_Yes you are. It's okay because I love you the same way. It was always okay remember?_

But Louis doesn't say any of these things. Now he just stops, he freezes and even not letting Harry's hand go, the younger boy walks two steps alone till he's forced to stop.

One of them drops the hand of the other and Harry looks back at Louis. "Can you please say something?" Harry says desperately and finally loudly, unlike the soft and low tone of voice he was talking previously.

_Don't you see that I'm a coward and can't speak?_

"Lou..." his voice is so hurt and is shaken up so Louis is sure he's about to cry, if he isn't already. If it wasn't so dark Harry could see Louis' shocked face and could tell that his heart is beating so fast that he's almost afraid of having a heart attack. "Why aren't you –Louis..."

But Louis still doesn't speak, still doesn't move but when they feel drops of water falling, when Harry feels the rain mixing up with the tears of his face, it's his cue to walk away. So he turns around, facing his back at Louis and starts walking in long steps.

Louis listens to his sobs and sniffles and maybe he realises, maybe he thinks that this scene is the one when Harry leaves him, the one that makes them change and the one that he feared the most to happen.

"Harry, please stop." His voice is heard, loud and it's not only on his thoughts.

Harry silhouette is seen five steps away from him, he has turned around and Louis is sure he just wiped his tears away. But he doesn't waste time analysing anything else when he starts running towards Harry, as cliché as possible, pushing the sand behind.

When he reaches Harry, he lets his shoes fall on the floor, takes the younger's boy face on both his hands and crashes their lips together. And he kisses him so damn hard, he moves his lips in such urged and lusted way that both are breathless. But there is no time to break the kiss to breathe, that is something for weak people and Louis now, might hadn't had spoken what he needed, what he wanted but hell, he did what he should.  

And it's good, so good kissing Harry's lips so vigorously, in such way that only Louis is able and will always be able to. It's so familiar and Harry tastes like chocolate and... and  _love._ Louis is so, so in love. In love with everything really, every bit of Harry's body, every piece of what Harry is and right now in love with his words and lips.

He tastes those previous words spoken and god, he just wants to tattoo them on his body. It's so sloppy and still so clumsily but nothing matters, just the sound that their lips together make with the sound of the waves. It's so dark but Louis can still trace Harry's lines from his face and still picture them perfectly, knowing them by heart. The rain is so cold hitting them but their impossibly close bodies make them sweating.

It's so beautiful. So prefect and so fucking cliché

"You can check,  _kissing in the_  rain from your list." Louis says pulling away just a little bit, to say breathless, the oxygen from his lungs are his and Harry's.

 

Harry mumbles something under his breathe but Louis doesn't get that and it's not that it bothers him. Harry is letting his own shoes fall on the sand as well, to pull Louis close to him again by his waist and it's wet and there's tongue, there's also rain and embarrassed sounds and just so much love and fond. 

 


	27. Just kiss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist
> 
> Lullabies - Yuna
> 
> Beauty Sings - Tatiana Manaois
> 
> Love - Lennon and Maisy

The way to the room from the backyard is traced with drops of water and all around the house is heard giggles. Louis and Harry ran for their lives when the rain started pounding hard and the sand rapidly changing to a darker colour. They don't care about the wet hair, the wet clothes and the cold body, the moment Louis reaches the bedroom he takes his wet clothes and stays just in briefs under the cold sheets and the fluffy duvet.

"Don't dress it..." He says a bit hesitantly when Harry grabs his shirt, ready to put it on. "Please..." he finished. He asks it just like he did the first time he and Harry kissed in the bathroom. Probably because it's the time he feels braver and that they can't cross any more limits. It's so nice to sleep wrapped around Harry, his warm and soft body brushing his. Skin to skin, feeling his heartbeat just like that, with any cloth dividing them. It's so nice and intimate. It's wonderful.

And Harry is so beautiful, his whole body, his whole face his whole...everything. Louis is sure that Harry isn't like him on the inside. No, Harry is so much nicer and gorgeous.

Harry's cheeks turn into a reddish shade but he does what Louis asks for and walks towards the bed only in briefs, just like Louis, while his naked torso is being illuminated by the poor light coming from the window and the two candles. Louis has sure his eyes are shinning looking at the boy walking to him.

Harry is now next to him and even if Louis was blind he could  _see_  it. He could feel the younger boy next to him because his presence, the way his body reacts with Harry so close to him, is unreal.

"Can I kiss you again, Lou?" Harry asks, green eyes meeting blue and it creates a spark between the two bodies.

Louis bites his bottom lip looking back at him. Harry didn't even stutter asking this while Louis can't even answer it with words, but he nods and his eyes have such a glow that someone would say he's actually crying.

Harry doesn't waste time leaning over, he rests his hand on the mattress next to Louis' legs and the other one rests on Louis' cheek. He stares at Louis till their lips brush, then Louis sees his eyes shutting and it's so beautiful and Louis is so fucking nervous. He feels like such a fragile butterfly because any touch, any word spoken, literally anything that comes from Harry makes him dizzy and feeling so, so  _good_.

This kiss makes him feel like it's the first one. It's so warm, so slow, so soft. Harry treats Louis like a delicate flower, just like Louis treats him. That's beautiful, what they have is so beautiful and unbroken.

Louis lets himself be treated by Harry now, letting him taking control over this. So is Harry's turn to trace Louis' features, feel those shaped cheek bones, that sculpted jaw while moving their now red and plump lips, but they're still soft like cotton.

Louis feels Harry's hands travelling down his bare body to place them on his hips firmly and with his lips still locked he goes to Louis' lap. Louis doesn't know how he does it, but the younger boy easily helps him to lift his back up so he can push him down the mattress, laying Louis' back on the bed. Harry keeps his legs next to Louis' thighs and kissing his best friend.

Louis hums between the kiss, his hands firmly holding Harry by his strong back while Harry caresses his hipbones. And he needs to open his mouth and draw Harry's bottom lip with his tongue. Harry gasps and opens his mouth so Louis can taste him, exchanging saliva and sucking his tongue. And god, that's too hot.

"Lou..." Harry breathes out and pulls away from Louis' lips, leaving a trace of spit between them. He kisses Louis' jaw and goes down to his neck, leaving gentle and soft kisses. His eyes are still shut but Louis has his open, biting his own lip, appreciating the beautiful boy leaving marks on his bare body. "I want you to listen to me carefully..." he travels his big hands through Louis' bare chest. And oh the sound... the sound of the friction of Harry's hands passing through his skin is something that brings shivers through Louis' spine. "I want to tell you how I fell for you Lou," Harry whispers now kissing Louis' belly.

Louis gulps in dry, how can Harry say something like this when Louis can't even tell him  _I love you_ right now, with the meaning of his truthful feelings.

So he whimpers, Louis literally whimpers and grips the sheets with his fists listening to those words. Harry looks up at him, meeting his gaze and offers him a playful smile. He lets himself fall on top of the older boy – older that right now feels so young and small – and kisses Louis' collarbone.

Harry hums with the comfort and then takes Louis' hand in his, intertwining their fingers. "I fell so hard for you Louis..." Harry whispers and Louis wants to say  _me too_  but he wants to let Harry talk now – although he still wouldn't have the courage to. "Because you... you are simply you. You wanted me to be the one person you knew better than anyone else. You made me be a better person... like, it's not like you made me a better person, you inspired me to be one. You accepted me when no one else did... when no one else would." Harry's voice sounds fragile but at the same time full of life, excited even because he wants Louis to listen to these words as soon as possible. 

"I was fourteen, Lou, fourteen when I looked into your eyes and listened to your words, making me believe that you cared, that you wanted me with you, that you were going to take care of me. My heart raced when you compared me as a petal of a flower, the one you were going to catch when it fell. I was young and hurt. But then you came along when I still didn't know the meaning of life, when I still though that my future would be the same as it was in that moment, with my parents and with tears and sorrow... and everything changed because then I wasn't hurt all the time. I was just sometimes because the others I was with you and you made me feel worth it, because if someone like you can love me why can't I love myself as well?"

"You said,  _no but I really do love you Harry_ , and for a moment I thought that maybe we were on the same page, because you felt lucky. God, I made you feel lucky only with my presence. Louis... are you even real? Can you imagine the impact of your words on me?" Harry asks, not really waiting for an answer and meeting Louis' eyes. By now he's playing with Louis' bracelet, the one he has matching with it. Louis only keeps his hand rested on Harry's bare hip, just to make him sure that he is listening. He is listening and everything is making him emotional. "And I believed you, I believe in everything you say because you're the only person who fills my ears with sweet nothings, with not what I want to hear but what I need to hear... I'd never thought of wanting to hear the words you say to me because I never imagined that someone could say something as beautiful as you say."

"Can you imagine how I felt when you got that girlfriend that end ended up hurting you the way I'd never do...?" Louis feels a knot on his throat and Harry isn't even looking at him now, he keeps looking at the wrist where the bracelet is. "I was watching you being stealing away from me. I was watching the person I love being loved by another one. She was doing to you what I wanted to. You looked happy... I think, so I couldn't do anything." Louis can only imagine how hurtful must have been for Harry when he talked about Caroline... he loved Louis by that time already. "How didn't you see? How didn't you see that I was head over heels for you, Lou? I was watching you leaving me I –"

"Harry please don't..." Louis shuts his eyes, those months were awful for both... but more for Harry and Louis recognises it, because he hurt Harry and he will never forgive himself.

"No Louis, let me speak, because you can't imagine how much you hurt me."  _I can_ , Louis thinks. "But I was just falling harder because of the way I missed you. I felt empty and I was hurt all the time again. No one was there to pick up the pieces. Every night I waited for the time you'd come back... and you did. You did and you caught me and you tried to fix me again. No, you helped me fixing myself again. And I got more and more attached to you. I don't know how I did it, how we did it... and I have so many things to tell you. I wanted to be able to tell you how I truly felt every day with you, every special moment we spent, all of them... but it's impossible and I almost regret not telling that by that time. I just didn't want to scare you, because you're my best friend and losing you means losing my life and Louis I don't want that. I want to live, I want to live next to you. Please..."

Harry drops Louis' wrist sadly and Louis takes the opportunity to bring his hand to Harry's curls, stroking them to calm him down. He feels Harry's body tense, the same way he tenses up when they talk about the future, about the  _what if we won't be together_. But – "You won't lose me." Louis says, voice soft and low. "I will never, ever leave you. I'll always look for you, I will always find you, remember?" he feels Harry nodding, but that's not really an answer. "Baby..." Louis brings Harry's head up to look at him, by his chin "You believe me, right? When I say you won't lose me. I will always be here because I..." Louis stops for mere seconds but  _ah fuck it_ "because I love you so much. So much it hurts, leaving you means suicide for me. I want you with me and I promise you I'll keep us together, all right?" Harry nods again and Louis smiles softly, still with his fingers on his chin "Yeah?"

"Yes Lou."

"Good."

"So... you don't feel like... you won't get mad at me?"

"Get mad at you?" Louis asks in amusement, raising his eyebrow. He wraps his arms around Harry's torso now, bringing his whole body on top of him. "For what?"

"For –For this... For loving you this way Lou..." Harry tries to look away from Louis but he doesn't let him. Louis even laughs at his words, he swears sometimes Harry looks like thirteen instead of eighteen... god, they're eighteen, they basically grew up together, they saw each other growing up.

"Oh Harry, you're such an idiot." Louis laughs and Harry looks at him quickly, with a half hurt, half confused expression.

He's ready to protest when Louis notices it and switches them around so he's now on top and in a quick move he attaches their lips together again. This time isn't as slow as the others, it's more urgent but not less sweet. Harry's lips are so familiar to Louis but his lips  _with_  Harry's still aren't so he wants to explore it, he wants to know how Harry likes it, he wants to memorise the feeling, he wants to know every detail of Harry's lips and how he kisses.

He brings Harry's body closer to him by his waist, even if that means lifting Harry's bum up from the mattress. He kisses furiously the younger boy, everything almost takes him by surprise but he doesn't get time to kiss Louis back properly when he starts talking again.

"Do you think..." Louis presses a quick and now softer kiss on Harry's lips "I would mind to kiss you every day?" He kisses him again, smirking and looking right into those green eyes "Because if that," he pecks his lips one more time, still holding Harry by his hips. Harry has his hands on Louis' upper arms, but it's like they were there forever because Louis hardly even notices "you're so wrong baby."

"But –"

" _Shh,"_  Louis hushes him with another kiss. They need to talk and they will, they are... Now it's Louis' turn to say what he  _needs to._ In his own way, in the way he can because he's still so nervous. Harry makes him nervous and that's not even normal. "Harry... it'll be like we always were, okay? Nothing will change. Just that now," he kisses Harry's bottom lip, slowly and tasting him properly. He feels Harry shivering underneath him, he notices the effect he is having on this beautiful boy and that only makes him want to snog him, make out with him on this bed, rubbing their bodies together, listening to Harry's pants, feeling Harry's hands on him... "... now we kiss." Louis smiles. "It's okay because I love you that way too," he giggles. Louis fucking giggles and he needs to hide his face on the crook of Harry's neck.

He kisses  _their_ spot there and shuts his eyes "I love you for so long... maybe longer than I think I do." Louis confesses "I think that's okay now. Not because I know how you feel too," he snuggles on Harry's chest now and he feels Harry making himself comfortable, holding him properly. "but because I know it's okay for you as well. It's okay for you, right?"

Harry hums but even then he answers, now with his face on Louis' hair "Yes."

"Good," Louis sighs "because I just want you to feel comfortable with this. We can make this in your way, that's fine for me. That's perfect because I feel so much relief now that I have you this way. I felt like I was going to love you forever and end up alone." He chuckles a bit making Harry laugh as well. "And for the record, you made me cry a lot of times." Louis confesses quietly. He knows Harry will ask why in his concerned and soft tone so he continues "Because I was mad. Mainly with myself. I let myself feel this way about you, knowing that it could ruin everything. I felt like you were rejecting me, that you didn't want to take chances with me this way..."

"I never rejected you Louis." Harry says now louder than a whisper, trying to make Louis looking up at him but Louis keeps his face hidden on his chest.

"Yes you did. That day you –when you and my sister fucking kissed." He says upset by remembering that episode. "I told you I was jealous and only I could kiss you and then you knew I wanted it. You said we couldn't." Louis tenses up above Harry's body, he holds him tighter and clenches his jaw. They're fucking talking about this and he can't believe he is having the courage to, even not being able to look at Harry's face.

He feels Harry drawing invisible circles on his hip with one hand while the other pulls away Louis' fringe from the front of his forehead. "Lou..." Louis shuts his eyes, relaxing with his voice "I said... I said we couldn't because I thought that I was feeling this way by myself, I thought you wanted to kiss me just for –maybe for the experience. Like we did in the bathroom... It was me who kissed you and I always felt like it would mean more for me than for you... I thought it'd be the same, I thought you wanted it so I could cheer you up, I don't know. I was afraid of you telling me then,  _it's okay because we're best friends_. I didn't want to hear that."

"I'm sorry..." Louis bites his lips, he was hurting Harry without knowing... only because he thought if he did the otherwise he would hurt him. He was so wrong and it's stressing him out. "I did that to protect you, for how crazy it might seems!" he laughs sadly "This is kinda fucked up." Harry hums in agreement but let's Louis speak "That kiss meant a lot to me even if –if the circumstance wasn't, well, appropriated. I don't want you to think that I kissed –I mean, that I kissed you back because I wanted to forget Caroline and the others. I kissed you because I wanted to, I didn't even love Caroline and you knew it. I never kissed her that way to be honest. I think it was that time I felt like maybe I was gay..."  _Not that I loved you, because I'm sure it wasn't the kiss that would make me be sure of that_ , he wants to say, but he doesn't because explaining the meaning of those words would make him sound like a fool. He'd need to share everything that it's been on his mind for years, he can't do it. "That also freaked me out. And still now I don't know if I'm gay." He confesses with a sigh.  _Confusing._ "Because I don't know if this is just with you, you see?"

"And I wanted to share everything with you, about this subject because I was handling this alone and it was driving me insane, you have no idea." He doesn't know how he and Harry can have this conversation so calmly and while laying down in the bed with the weight of the other on top of him.

"Lou, I would love to help you with that, you know that don't you? I'd listen to you..."

"But I couldn't talk to you about this, not by that time at least. I'd have to tell you about... about you. About my feelings."

"Does your mom know?" and fuck Louis needs to act casually because he never thought about telling his mother. It literally never passed through his head, as if she automatically knows, as if he doesn't even need to tell her. "I mean did –"

"No. Only my sister..." he answers quickly because he can't even think about this "The day we made up about that- that shit... I told her and she said that maybe I was gay for you, which well... maybe I am." He whispers "She told me that it was okay but I knew it wasn't, because you're my best friend..." It feels good to let this out of his chest with Harry.

 "It is. It is okay now." Harry takes his hand from Louis' hip to grab his hand and interlace their finger once again "It's all okay. I know now and everything will stay the same between us, we won't ruin anything yeah?"

Louis nods squeezing his hand and finally, finally looks up at Harry. His hair is still wet, not dripping water but a few locks of hair are stuck on his forehead, asking for Louis' help to gently pull them away. But he doesn't do that, not yet at least because he likes to feel his and Harry's fingers intertwined and his other hand is kinda stuck on the other side. He sees Harry's dimple popping out and Louis feels the huge urge to smile back. He's still scared about what can happen, scared about how they're going to do this, scared how this gay thing will work with him... he knows it's normal, it's natural and nothing is wrong with him – just the fact that he loves his best friend, and the problem isn't because he is a boy, is because he is Harry – but he knows he needs to talk about it with his parents... especially now that he and Harry clarified certain things.

Everything is going to be the same right? But he still worries about so many things... But he has Harry like he wanted now... he can kiss him... god he can kiss him with no worries because Harry will kiss him back, will feel the same... the same he felt the other times, the same he feels for so many years... just like Louis.

That's wonderful and they talked, they finally talked and Louis feels so relieved that he can only hear the rain falling on the roof and not the thoughts that bothered him on his mind all this time .

"Can I kiss you again? Just... Just kiss you, I need it." Louis says as if he doesn't do it he'll fade away. He probably would.

Harry eyes glow with the fond and he just nods. His bottom lip that was between his teeth now is slowly coming out. Louis can't contain himself, when holds himself on his elbows and drags his body up from Harry's chest, hovering his best friend, to lean over to be himself biting Harry's bottom lip.

He is smirking and looking right into Harry's eyes while he does it. He drags it over and when it comes out from between his teeth, he sucks it. It's so seductive and Harry can't take his eyes out of him even when Louis kisses him properly. He observes how gently and slowly Louis does it, how he keeps his eyes shut and his expression looks so pacific. Harry holds him still with his both hands on his waist and one of Louis' is on Harry's cheek.

Louis pulls away just a bit though, noses still brushing, to pass his thumb on Harry's plump lips. He keeps staring at them memorising the colour they stay when swollen, because now he can do it lots and lots of times, he can kiss those lips till they get that red,  _red_  colour. He also pays attention at how they feel against the skin of his thumb, calling for his own lips to touch them.

They enchase looks now, blue on green, Harry smiles at Louis and Louis doesn't need to smile back, he just leans over and kisses him again. Just kiss, like he had said, anything else, not even tongue just lips brushing lips, gentle touches that have no meaning behind, besides love, care and kindness.

~*~

They spend the night like that, lazy make out sessions followed with more confessions, promises and then a bit of a talk about something random. When Daisy goes say her goodnight, just meowing at them and brushing her head on their feet, they decide that it's time for them to go to sleep as well since the night is already been long. When the kitty falls asleep at the end of the bed, whispers are still heard on the room. Their eyes are shut but they aren't sleeping quiet yet. Probably only around 3am Harry's snores are heard and Louis presses a kiss on his forehead and holds him, because if he's sleeping it's all right for Louis to relax as well.

He falls asleep asking himself how the hell he got this luck of being next to his best friend, skin to skin and being able to kiss him like he wanted. He has everything in life, he's the luckiest man on earth.

The next morning Louis wakes up first, which makes him think  _yeah everything is still normal._ He caresses Harry's hair and keeps up with it even when Daisy joins him, snuggling on Harry's chest while Louis keeps spooning behind him and kissing the back of his neck.

When Harry wakes up and they look at each other, noticing the mess of hair – messier than the usual – lips still red and bruises on their neck Louis still thinks,  _yeah everything is still normal_ , because they don't get shy, they don't feel awkward, they simply laugh by remembering what happened yesterday. This time Louis doesn't even try to hide his morning boner to say casually  _I was just dreaming about you_. Harry is fine with that but otherwise Louis he still keeps under the sheets with his cheeks too red and doesn't dare to face Louis with his chest.

Outside, the only signals of rain are the small puddles on the deck on the backyard – that of course Daisy has to drink from there instead of the milk Harry gave to her – the sun is pecking between the fluffy and white clouds. The sea is quite calm and most of the sand turned to its normal colour. They decide to go for a walk, they don't speak is just silence and their hands – the ones that aren't holding their towel – are brushing in each other but not even Louis nor Harry make a move to hold the other. But it's okay because they have smiles on their faces and a love bite on their neck.

Around 1pm they have lunch on a restaurant beside the beach, a salad of pasta and chicken and a smoothie. This time they talk and they keep their ankles locked under the table. The rest of the day is spent on the beach and maybe Louis gets a little sunburn on his back because he didn't listen to Harry when he said he needed to put sunscreen after coming from the water and most definitely he was stubborn because putting sunscreen on his back meant having Harry's hand on his skin. It's not like it bothers him, it's just that they're on the beach, in swimming trunks and even if straight couples make out there he's sure Harry wouldn't feel comfortable. But damn, Louis misses Harry's lips because he just can't find the courage to start that routine. The routine of  _you said something cute hey let me kiss you_ , the  _good morning beautiful hey I don't kiss you since last night and I really want that now_  and  _the oh I miss your lips I deserve a kiss now don't you think?_

But when the sun starts to set so the sky is a mixture of a beautiful orange and pink and the beach starts having less and less people, Harry gets closer from Louis, to the point of them sharing the same towel. Harry makes that move of touching Louis' hand, putting his above his best friend. Louis is too distracted looking at the sight in front of him to notice the other sight next to him. He's holding himself with his hands behind his back and his legs are stretched in front of him. 

"Lou..." Harry whispers, he's been staring at the blue eyed boy for ages now, just admiring his profile and how, how on earth can Louis have such a beautiful profile. Have such beautiful blue eyes on a day of summer like this, have so good looking lips on a hot day like this and have such perfect and fluffy hair on a day of beach like this? It's so fucking unfair.

Louis hums as an answer and Harry probably doesn't notice how big his smile is. "Look at me, Lou..." and his voice is so soft, so tender and perfect that makes Louis turn his gaze to him. Slowly, really slowly as if he is trying to memorise the best he can of the colour of the sky before looking at Harry. But he forgets. He forgets about it when he looks at Harry because he can't believe he almost forgot that he's more beautiful that any sunset on the beach.

When Harry smiles even wider – how? – Louis doesn't have time to smile back because Harry's hand is rested on his cheek and he's leaning over to attach their lips together. Harry is a better kisser now, at least better than when he was fifteen. God, definitely much better.

It's still slow and sloppy although quick, but it doesn't mean that it can't make Louis go crazy. He pulls away, caressing with his thumb one last time Louis' cheekbones, resting their foreheads together and both smile.

And fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. Louis just wants to say:  _I love you. I fucking love, I love you like the moon loves the sun with the difference that I have the luck to touch you and see you every day and night. But that doesn't mean it takes all the magic away, it makes it even better. I'm so damn lucky, so lucky to have you, so lucky to love you because this  feeling is amazing and I want to keep it. So maybe I love you like the sea loves the sand. Because it's never enough, the sea has the waves to pick up and more sand. The love is such, the need is so big that there's no way I will be one second without you._

And well, maybe he says it out loud.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is going to be the only update of the week (last one was on sunday so) and i have an explanation. Sims 3, that's it i just play that the whole day and only start writing at midnight ah im sorry for being lazy asf. but yeah i'll make my best to update at the beginning of the next week oh and yes i refer Daisy as "she" and not "it" because it just doesn't feel right hahah


	28. You're everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Breathe by Verona
> 
> Untouchable by Taylor Swift
> 
> Come Around by Rosi Golan

Louis and Harry's dinner consist in cutting pieces of fruit to a bowl, a piece of over fried breaded meat on a plate and, if it counts at all, a glass of cold mint tea on a glass. Harry makes sure to joke about how they're going to starve to death when they live together and won't have Louis' mother to help them with the food, because they're really a disaster in the kitchen.

"How did we even manage to make those brownies,  _Lewis_?" Harry says in an amused tone while deep frying the meat and all right, the colour is a bit darker than it should by now.

Louis' heart starts beating faster with the mention of that night, not caring about the name Harry called him this time. It still surprises him the way Harry is so calm about those subjects and Louis never gets to make him nervous like he does to him. But his thoughts are pulled away when Harry pushes him against the counter and whispers in his ear

"Tell me how, Lou..."

And Louis gulps and wants to push him even closer to his body because they're still shirtless and their hair is still a bit wet since before they came home they had time to catch a wave on the beach.

Harry smells like man, summer and beach and he wants to bite his collarbone while telling him how much he means to him... but instead he whispers back "It smells..." and it's enough for Harry to pull away and run to the pan leaving Louis laughing while cutting pieces of apple to the bowl. But honestly, he doesn't really want to laugh, he feels more like laying down on the cold floor and cry by how much he wants and needs this boy.

Twenty five minutes later they're sat on the floor of the backyard enjoying the sound of the waves mixed with the seagulls, the sky full of stars – finally without clouds to cover the sight – and the comfy breeze of the night while eating their famous dinner.

They're okay with it, even if the meat doesn't taste that well, Harry wanted watermelon but they've finished with it yesterday and Louis thinks the tea tastes like piss... They've so many reasons to dislike everything but they're in love with the moment.

Daisy is sitting on a chair from the table inside after eating the spare piece of meat Harry decided to slice for her. It's all dark except from the pool's lights, not even the moon can help them with that but they're still in love and their eyes still spark when they look at each other.

Their conversations are always random and this time they end up talking about these past days, how many pictures they've taken, how long the videos are and that they'll spend hours watching it with Louis' family – because of course Fiona wants to watch them all – and then they end up changing subject to how Louis needs to buy new sheets for his bed. They don't fucking know how it leads to that topic but it doesn't matter.

"We need to put you something on your back." Harry says when their bowls and plates are on the side and when Louis' glass is empty by now only because Harry slipped it on the floor. Louis didn't mind, he wasn't going to drink it anyway but of course he mocked Harry about how clumsily he can be.

"I think I've got after sun cream upstairs, I'll put it after taking a shower." Louis says, it's amazing how the sand on his briefs don't bother him but he still feels sticky and he's sure Harry didn't say anything about how dirty he feels at the moment, only because he's too lazy and too comfortable there to go take a shower.

"Okay, I can help you since you won't be able to reach your whole back." Harry says casually and no, Louis doesn't want him to do it that was the whole point about not putting sunscreen.

"You don't need to, I'll manage some way." He says in the most normal tone possible.

"Don't be stupid." Harry chuckles and they're having this stupid conversation while looking forward at the sea and admiring the beautiful sky above it.

"Really, I can do it alone." More like  _really, if you put your hands on me I won't be able to let you go._

He doesn't confess anything and Harry doesn't reply so for some seconds there's silence and Louis doesn't dare to look at his best friend, who's right next to him, with their knees almost touching.

But just when he thought Harry let it go, the younger boy is getting closer to him and it's not the usual closer is the closer that makes Louis open his eyes widely and feel like he's going to die by how fast his heart is beating.

Harry's hand travel to rest above Louis' thigh, he squeezes a bit and leans over with his lips almost touching Louis' ear and Louis is sure he stops breathing for a bit.

"Don't you want me to give you a massage? I can be gentle, baby. Just for you." He whispers. "Don't you want me that close to you?" and fuck it's not fair that Harry knows every piece of Louis' mind, is able to know what he wants, what he needs and what he fucking thinks. Sometimes Harry seems to get worried about them because they're so united, they're one... he thinks it's dangerous but Louis also knows he loves that. He loves how they're so connected.

"Ha-Harry..." Louis breathes out and he sounds so weak and shaky. He isn't supposed to be this submissive, he isn't supposed to show Harry how nervous he makes him feel.

"Lou?" Now he kisses the crook of Louis' neck, gently and slowly... just like Louis likes it, as if he was tasting him and right now he seems not to worry about how salty Louis' skin might be.

Louis only  _hums_  in response, though it doesn't answer at anything. Harry chuckles and it's so sweet but at the same time so cheeky and in such a teasing way that drives him crazy.

He feels Harry's fingertips on his chin so now Louis is facing some gorgeous green eyes –but right now they look darker than the usual but he doesn't know which shade is worse – and Harry simply leans over to connect their lips together. And finally, finally isn't a quick one that makes Louis want more and more – Harry probably does it on purpose. It's long but at the same time in a rush, not that soft but full of desire and is breath-taking.

Before pulling away Harry still keeps their lips brushing and he gently slides them down to Louis' chin, keeping them in touch all the way down. He rests their foreheads together, the hand that was previously on Louis' thigh is now holding his waist and his eyes are shut, letting Louis appreciate his pacific expression. Their hot and heavy breath hits each other's lips and Louis just wants to bite Harry's and lock them together to kiss him again.

"What do you say...?" Harry asks, the words slowly and softly coming between his parted lips.  And once again Louis hums because he can't speak, Harry embarrasses him, Harry is his weak point and that can be dangerous but there's a part of him who loves it. "Oh Louis." Harry laughs because Louis hasn't said anything and he knows Harry is mocking him for that. So he sighs and pushes him away with a half annoying half amused expression. Harry's is full amused now.

"I hate you." Louis says but he doesn't look at his best friend, he looks at the floor and doesn't dare to take Harry's hand away from his thigh. "You make me so nervous, it's not fair." So he confesses and he is embarrassed yes, but it is Harry and the rule is always saying what's on their mind to each other.

Harry giggles this time making Louis look at him for a bit because he can't miss that. "You make me nervous too, idiot."

Louis wants to laugh but he doesn't, instead "Liar." he scoffs rolling his eyes. That would be something that would make Louis feel triumphant because making Harry's nervous that way is a privilege. But Louis doesn't make him feel half of what Harry makes him, otherwise he wouldn't make and say these things so easily.

"I'm serious." Harry's amused expressions fades away and makes Louis look at him again, taking his hand away from his thigh replacing it with a cold breeze. "Look," Harry holds Louis' hands on his and leads them to his chest, the place where his heart should be. His skin is a bit cold and that's probably because they didn't even give to the work to dress a shirt and Louis is glad they didn't.

Harry's heart is beating so fast, the older boy dares to say faster than his own and okay... his lips part and his eyes meet Harry's. "See, not lying." Harry gives him a small smile "You make me so god damn nervous Louis, you can't imagine. You really can't, it's like –you make my knees weak, you make me tremble and I can't function properly when I look at you. You make me fragile, you make think, dream and desire things that I know no one else could. You're unique for me, how could I react normally with you by my side, hum?" And yes, Louis understands, Louis should make him the same question but he still feels pride on his chest because he makes Harry feel this way, the way no one else will ever make him, only Louis.

"Yeah but I embarrass myself..." Louis sighs covering his face with his hands, murmuring something about how this isn't supposed to happen. Harry needs to chuckle again, taking Louis' hands away.

"No you don't" Harry grins, both know it's not true and Louis is right, here.

"Oh shut up, I stammer, I fucking fall over, I can't even tell you things I want to share with you... For not talking about that morning I woke up moaning your name, with a boner and with you right next to me." Louis groans hiding his face again. The thing is Louis isn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't with girls and definitely wasn't with Caroline. But once again, it's Harry who we are talking about, the person who makes Louis being himself.

"It's okay," Harry starts getting closer again and his tone is the same from previously "but I want you to share with me those things... but later. Now I want you to tell me about that dream you were having..." Harry smirks and of course he needed to get more open, less shy and into teasing through the years with Louis.

Louis gulps and Harry notices he is feeling that again and won't be easy to make him speak. But Harry wants to, he wants to listen to Louis telling him about all those things he has been dreaming about. What Louis does to him, or the whole way round, in his fantasies.

"Tell me please, Louis..."

Louis could easily say  _I can't remember,_ that would be normal to say,  but would also be a lie.

"We were... we were on the lake, back home. Don't ask me how but we were swimming... there, erm, naked. Skinny dipping." Louis' cheeks are probably red and more they turn with Harry's attentive eyes on him. He won't judge him, if Harry asked him this, it is because he wants to know so Louis can tell him. "We were talking," but he doesn't mention the marriage thing, not particularly because he doesn't remember "then we were really close and... the cold water felt good between our bodies but then again it wasn't enough so we were getting even closer. Closer and suddenly the water was warm... so fucking warm but everything felt good and I wanted more and you were... you were..." Louis opens his mouth but no word come out. He knows that he isn't making himself clear, that what he's saying doesn't make sense but Harry still speaks, not to ask what the fuck he is saying, he understands.

"Let's do it then."

"What?" Louis' eyes get wide open and he looks confused at Harry, however his heart is still bumping fast on his chest and he wonders if Harry's still is.

Probably.

Definitely is.

"To the pool. Naked." But he still surely doesn't look like it.

"How can you say something like that, this way?!" Louis covers his face for what it seems the tenth time these last minutes, groaning with his cheeks flushed. He's blushing, that's so unnatural... he hopes the water from the pool is cold like ice so he won't look this red anymore.

"Stop covering your face." Harry says way too softly and takes Louis' hands away too gently. Their eyes meet and Harry smiles taking advantage of the moment to pull Louis on his feet by his hands, along him.

They're almost chest to chest, feeling the cold deck under their feet and the warmth of their hands together. Harry doesn't allow Louis to get closer when pulls away still with the same smile on his lips.

"C'mon," he encourages Louis and turns away to take off his swimming trunks, so easily and casually that is almost surreal.

Louis watches Harry's back thinking that he was probably sculpted by some God. Is a bit muscular and he has sure that if they had more light he'd see his new tan. Gorgeous, gorgeous tan in that porcelain skin. He checks out the curve of his bum and how perfectly seems to fit on Louis' hands, how smooth it seems to be. And no, there's nothing weird or wrong to think about it this way, at least Louis thinks.

"Are you gonna stare at me the whole night or are you going to join me?"

Louis wakes up from his trance when Harry looks back at him, already with his feet on the first step from the pool, feeling the water above his ankle. And all right, Louis needs to put his shit together, he has a gorgeous and handsome guy in front of him, fucking naked and waiting for him to join the pool, forgetting about his fear of the water to be like this with Louis, so he needs to put all his nerves to the side and go for it. Go for everything it comes up on his mind.

He's quick now, he takes off his trunks while walking towards his best friend and it's by luck that he doesn't fall over. He doesn't even mind when Harry doesn't turn away and keeps looking up and down at him, not being discrete at all. At this time Louis doesn't even think how better good looking Harry is than himself and how a disappointment he must be, but then again Harry proves him the otherwise so many times.

When he is right next to Harry – and no, the water doesn't seem as cold as ice but it's not that warm, it's okay, it's perfect – the younger boy gives him one last smile and nods, stepping into the water.

"Need help?"

"I don't think this is the time to worry about my fear of water." Harry says half amused and Louis lets him go first, watching his bum disappearing into the water and his skin getting wet.

He goes in then, not giving Harry time to look back at him to ask again if he's just going to stay there looking. The cold water doesn't bother him at the moment, so he gets closer to Harry where it reaches his belly already.

"So..." Louis says the first words when after a minute they stay looking at the stars in silence, the water cooling their bones.

"Let's talk."

"About how stupid we are and how weird our relationship is?" And really, Louis just wants to laugh because this, whatever this is, is just weird but he fucking loves it. The whole moment is bizarre and he doesn't know where Harry wants to go from now on because it was him who suggested this thing. Louis doesn't imagine them getting in the pool naked and swim, even if that's the purpose.

"Yeah, why not." Louis sees a dimple forming up on his cheek, the one facing him and then Harry moves. He goes to the edge of the pool and rests his back on the wall, crouching his legs to the point where the water reaches almost his neck.

The water is so clean that Louis can see everything, his skin looks like glitter with the few light hitting the water, his eyes are sparkling right into Louis' direction and his lips... god his lips are calling for Louis'.

"You look beautiful." So Louis says and this compliment can be considered talking about their weird relationship, right?

Louis thinks Harry doesn't hear him, because the younger boy stays quiet looking at him in such a way that would make Louis want to swim away from there and run inside to cover his body. But he doesn't do that, mainly because he trusts Harry.

In a blink of an eye Harry disappears into the water and Louis almost panics but then he sees the curves of his body getting closer to him. He knows if the pool was larger Harry couldn't manage to swim underwater to him. Harry's body appears now right in front of him, Louis would say that he's out of breathe but he's now paying at attention at how Harry pushes his hair back, how the drops of water slide down his body calling for Louis to lick them and how Harry's lashes look like. And fuck Harry is taller than him, definitely.

"You didn't die in there?" Louis teases with a smirk and yes he needs to free himself.

Harry takes a deep breathe probably asking himself why and how the hell he did that but still grabs Louis hands in each of his and pushes him into him. He walks backwards, taking Louis with him and only stops when the wall hits his back and Louis is almost touching his body with his own.

It takes both a lot of effort not to touch each other's skin but they keep still. Harry examining Louis the way he does to him as well, their hands get tangled in a mess of fingers, probably busying themselves so they can't touch.

It's almost like Louis' dream, somehow they got into a deeper part of the pool where the water reaches their nipples and it's warmer now. Where Harry can swim but with the particularity that now he had time to practise and Louis helped him.

Now everything feels so much real and Harry is there and while in his dream he wasn't so sure of that, the  _touch_ didn't feel the same here, it does. Here the Harry in front of him knows him truly and knows things about him that Louis doesn't even know about himself.

"Our friendship is really weird, hum?" Harry is the first to break the spell but it doesn't mean that Louis can't stop looking at him.

"Yes it is. But I love it."

"Me too..."

"So... What do you  _really_  want to do?" Louis knows he's being so fucking obvious, but it's not like he can't hide it when his body is reacting  _this_  way towards the naked boy in front of him who is holding his hand so gently.

"I want you to kiss me."

Of course Louis doesn't need to listen to that twice because right in the moment Harry is finishing the last word Louis is leaning over, he didn't even listen to what he said he just recognised the word  _kiss_ , that was enough.

He gets lost then, Louis gets lost in the mess of the kiss, he only pays attention to the boy his lips are touching. His emotions start to be Harry's and that's basically magic and Louis remembers when he started to believe in it when he met Harry.

It's all about the contact and what Harry can pass to him with the moment. One of his hands drop Louis' and goes under water to push his body to him and Louis' hand travels to Harry's wet curls. He grabs a fist of them and maybe it's painful at some point when Harry presses their bodies so unbelievable close that he can feel everything. Literally everything. And it'd be embarrassed how fast they can put the other hard.  But it's not.

The effect Harry has on Louis is the same Louis has on Harry and that's how things are supposed to be. They're so connected that their own emotions don't matter anymore, is the other who matters.

Louis grips together Harry's hand in his when his tongue touches Harry's. it moves in synchrony and it's probably one of the first kisses they have that it's not clumsily, it's right. Both move in harmony, when Louis tilts to the left, Harry goes to the right, when Louis bites his lip slightly, Harry opens his mouth in a beautiful way. Both drop their hands at the same time and while Louis leads his to Harry's waist, leaving the other one on his curls, Harry makes his way to rest both hands on the back of Louis' neck. Once again they don't even meet on the way, it's a perfect move.

Louis doesn't feel the water anymore, it's almost as if he's feeling the not existence warmth of Harry's chest on his.

When Harry travels his hands down through Louis' back he feels it all and it's smooth and good and perfectly done. Harry rests them under Louis' bum, they don't even part the kiss, they keep moving in a simple and slow gesture, just tasting and leaving their mark. Then he's lifting him up so Louis tangles his legs around Harry's waist and puts his arms around his neck this time and oh...  _Oh_. Louis isn't ashamed of the sound that leaves his lips, which the vibration goes right into Harry's throat.

Their dicks brush in each other and Harry's hands are squeezing his bum in a way that Louis never imagined that would turn him so on. The moment they pull away from the kiss Harry is right away with his lips connected with Louis' neck. He kisses and kisses and then he reaches their spot, between the collarbone and the neck, where they place kisses when they know it's the time and now... now is the time when he bites and sucks the skin leaving a beautiful mark there.

"Listen Louis..." Harry whispers breathless and Louis needs to push the locks of hair he can from the back of Harry's hair to control himself not to rock his hips against Harry because it's so hot and Harry literally hypnotized him. "I want to do that again with you..." Harry keeps his lips slightly brushing the wet skin from Louis' collarbone.

Louis whimpers, it's kind of a pitchy whine, making his eyes shut vigorously. He hopes Harry said what he thinks he said, he hopes he's not dreaming, he hopes what he's feeling and what is happening is real.

He can't say anything apart from breathing out  _oh Harry_ because he's connecting their lips together again. This time he can't have control over his body because he makes the slowest movements with his hips under water, against Harry's chest. Harry bites his lip – or is it Louis'? – between the kiss, probably to contain his own moan when Louis reaches his head with his own balls.

They don't really know if it's the way their bodies are moving against each other that makes them breathless and  _needing everything_  the other can give or it's the kiss... because when you have a connection with someone... when you feel so strong for someone... just a kiss is enough to make your knees weak and you just can't beat that. That's what's happening with them now and Louis isn't sure if he wants to keep here kissing a wet Harry and feeling the cold – now warmer – water on his hardness till he comes or if he wants to just make love to Harry.

He can't come in this pool, that would be a mess but somehow Louis wouldn't mind because he'd be in the moon... so out of himself. He is by now. They don't care about the obscene sounds they let escape from their mouths, it could be people walking along the beach right now... people who could hear them, even see them, they wouldn't mind. Louis wouldn't stop. They would know how Harry is  _his_.

"Lou..." Harry doesn't moan now, he's calling for Louis and Louis  _hums_  as an answer, kissing now his jaw along his neck and adding one more hickey there with the others he had done already. "Do you want to?"

Louis places multiply kisses on Harry's shoulder or even just leaves there his lips brushing at the skin. He's glad they're underwater because by now Harry would be tired of keep holding him around his waist. But he doesn't and he doesn't take his hands off from Louis' ass.

"Oh Harry... I want to..." His tone sounds so desperate and he can't say the word... and Harry seems not to be able as well because it's only a word with three letters but it's so big. It has so many meanings and right now, theirs is huge and it has the most beautiful and genuine meaning. "Of course I want to." He steals Harry one more sloppy kiss before unwrapping his legs around his waist. "Lay down on the deck for me, yes baby?" Louis says and Harry doesn't question anything.

He doesn't ask why they are getting out of water and if Louis is gonna do it now with him. He simply puts his hands at the edge and pulls himself up. Louis sees the muscles from his shoulders and arms getting its form and wow, it's beautiful. Harry is beautiful and painfully hard above his belly.

Louis takes some time admiring the boy in front of him, with his feet still touching the water. Louis isn't subtle biting his own bottom lip.

He gets closer to the edge and the older boy doesn't need to say anything when Harry starts giving him room between his legs, going a bit backwards and wow.  _Fucking wow_. Harry is literally exposing himself to Louis. Louis gulps in dry and makes his best to get out of the pool, he is thinking so hard because he can only imagine a disaster happen, Harry's clumsily being transmitted as a disease to him and he slip and hurt himself naked, on top of Harry. It'd ruin everything.

He's probably cursed because the moment he gets his body out he loses his balance and sees himself already falling backwards. But Harry catches him. He catches him by his elbows and his back hits the floor with Louis supporting himself on top of him.

"You okay?" Louis says and of course both are laughing, this needed to happen, really.

"I am." Harry answers and the way he laughs and looks at Louis is magic. The drops of water hitting his face from Louis' hair look beautiful. Harry naked underneath him looks beautiful and Louis is so, so in love. "Are you?"

"I'm wonderful." And the episode is forgotten because Louis pecks Harry's lips quickly and then presses them on his neck. Shivers go through Harry's spine and it's not only because of that, it's because Louis' body is pressed against his, their hard members rubbing in each other and their skin is wet and cold but at the same time hot and flushed with need.

So Louis keeps on his mind what they're about to do and what he wants to do with Harry first. His hands travel up and down his naked body and it's amazing how Harry keeps still laid down, not mentioning how uncomfortable the deck might be, how painful his hardness is starting to feel. He waits for Louis.

"Can I –Can I touch you?" Louis asks and why on earth is he even asking?

Harry bites his lip nodding and making his best to look down at Louis, who was previously kissing the skin next to his nipple. "But... With my mouth..." This is so new for Louis he only saw a few videos – curiosity, really – and he only wants to do it right for Harry but he knows it won't be anything special. Still, it's probably the first blowjob Harry is getting. Definitely. Jesus, Louis is his first at everything, it's pleasing.   

"God... yes Louis, of course you can." Harry breathes out letting his head fall back and fuck, Louis can't wait to get him in the bed. But now... now he doesn't have strength do it so...

He places kisses through his chest going down till he reaches his pubes. Louis just hopes they don't end up falling into the pool again since they're still laid down on the edge.

He grabs Harry's length in his hand so gently but that's enough to feel Harry trembling. He rubs the head with his thumb and he's so focused on it, almost shocked looking at how big Harry is, how his hand fits there perfectly that can't look at Harry's face. Not now.

He strokes it once and leaves his hand on the base and takes a deep breath. Louis is nervous, he is nervous for everything really but he wants to do this so badly... so he leans over and gets the tip of the head on his mouth. He goes down till he see he can without feeling the burn and on his throat and without reaching his gag reflexes.

He doesn't waste time on going up and then down, sucking the best he can making the thing with his cheeks. He goes slowly, too worried if he goes faster he messes it up. Harry has his arms next to his torso, unsure where to place them, with his fists clenched. His eyes keep shut and Louis works with his hand the length he can't reach with his mouth.

After four bobs, up and down, he pulls away leaving a  _pop_  coming from his lips, to reach from air. He looks forward at Harry and sees the state of the boy, it's almost miserable. His lip is going to bleed if he keeps biting it that way.

Louis dares to take his tongue out and lick through Harry's length and then at the head, tasting pre come and okay, Louis never tough it could taste this way. It's not bad... probably because it's Harry's.

"You okay?" Louis asks and Harry only nods not even opening his eyes to look at him. "Am I –Am I doing it right?"

"Yes... you're doing it well, don't worry."

"Then look at me. I want you to look at me." Louis says gently and Harry obeys with no words, leaving a sigh escaping his lips.

Louis smirks, he doesn't need to worry about anything. He can make anything to leave Harry head over heels and it's the first time he's experiencing this and Louis has wonderful lips so he just expects the best.

Louis leans over again, now keeping looking directly at Harry while taking him on his mouth once more and keeps looking at him when he bobs up and down, when uses his tongue around Harry's length and Harry doesn't look away. He doesn't allow himself to shut his eyes and missing the way his length disappears into Louis' mouth, how his lips look when he pulls away with a strip of saliva at the corner and so, so fucking plump.

Harry wants to touch him, even if it's just with a finger at the skin of his leg but he doesn't, afraid that Louis might disappear.

But Louis can be such a tease and he's actually proud of himself for this first experience because he only gags once because he thought it'd be a good idea to make Harry feel his throat.

Harry is still gentle with him and keeps telling him it's okay and that he's doing fine. Louis doesn't doubt it because after a few minutes Harry is panting and beautiful  _ah's_  and _hum's_  are leaving from his mouth. Louis can taste him a bit already and it's not disgusting at all. He simply doesn't mind. He only minds that Harry doesn't touch him, doesn't grab his hair nor touches his skin, but he doesn't say anything, because well... his mouth his busy.

"Louis... you need to –to stop..." Harry whimpers, clenching his fists harder by his side "I'm gonna –Lou..." he has to have so much self-control not to grab Louis' hair and fuck his mouth to come because Louis was going fast and now he's slowing down, knowing that Harry is about to come and he doesn't want that, not yet.

So he pulls away and Harry literally sobs with the coldness and the lack of touch and warmth from Louis' mouth and the fact that he was almost, almost coming and the blue eyed boy didn't allow him to. Louis smiles a bit and crawls on top of Harry again, his body hovering his best friend and with his legs still at the side of Harry's thighs.

Harry looks a mess, a freaking beautiful mess stretched on the floor, cheeks flushed and watering eyes. His lips are so red and it's not only because of their previous snog, it's because he had been biting so hard that left a mark.

"Hi." Louis smirks and doesn't allow Harry to say anything nor make any face expression because he kisses him, an opened mouth kiss, letting Harry taste himself and Louis wants to compliment him, he wants to tell his whole thoughts and make him know how good he was. "You taste so well," So he says, lips brushing and one of his hands caressing Harry's cheekbones. "you are so good to me baby... I wanna touch you all the time, I want to make you feel this way forever." He kisses his jaw and Harry still doesn't say anything, just  _hums_ , he's so dizzy that it's almost as if he had come. "You good?"

Harry nods with a grin on his face and that grin doesn't say  _yes, I'm good_ , it says  _no, I'm wonderful_.

They kiss for some seconds more and then Louis rests their foreheads together and holds Harry by his waist with the hand that isn't caressing his cheek.

"Harry, babe, I want to do this right with you this time, yeah?" Harry nods but Louis doesn't know if he has his eyes shut like him. "I want to make it special... I want to make it slow and don't want to hurt you like the last time." When Louis opens his eyes he sees green eyes staring at them, calming himself down. "I want to make love to you, is that okay?" Harry nods again, he's so speechless and Louis feels his heart beating fast underneath him and that's... that's a relief. "Okay... I want to do it in the bed." Harry bites his bottom lip and Louis just wants to be himself biting it for him.

They intertwine their fingers together and there's no need to speak any more words. They stand up and it doesn't feel awkward to walk naked, holding hands to the inside of the house. They just ignore Daisy when tries to call their attention and when they reach the room they shut the door not even feeling for shutting the door right in front of in her muzzle.

Louis tells Harry to sit on the bed. It's still unmade since they were too lazy to make it in the morning and couldn't remember who made it yesterday. The window and blinds are still open but it doesn't bother because sometimes it gets inside a cool but comfy wind. The room is dark and smells like man but more like Harry and that just drives Louis crazy. He lights up the few candles they have on the room and it's not going to be like the first time he wanted with Harry... it's not even going to be their first time but it's kind of. He walks to his bag to grab the lube he had put there and walks back next to Harry who followed all his moves and now is looking at his hand.

"Is that –"

"Look, I'm sorry, but I was having high hopes and just... if we were going to make it, at least I wanted to have it because last time wasn't... you know." Louis twists his nose and he just wants to crawl on top of Harry and kiss him because they've too much space between them

"Is that why you needed to go to your room first before we left and why you said I couldn't touch the pocket from your backpack?"

"Erm, yeah..."

"I can only find it funny," Harry chuckles and Louis allows himself to grin "Now come here."

Louis puts the lube on the mattress next to them and sits on Harry's lap, parting his legs and the touch is such... it makes him crazy how close he is from this boy. The curly haired boy holds him by his back and joins their lips, while he goes up and down with his hand on Louis' back. Slowly he lets himself fall backwards, bringing Louis with him and getting in the middle of the bed the best he can, so his legs don't stay much out of it.

They kiss more because it never feels enough, which only makes Louis needing him more and the ache on his belly bigger. Then he parts Harry's legs so he can be between the V, always with their lips attached. When he pulls them away he reaches for the lube and spreads it on his fingers. It's cold and Harry keeps looking at how Louis fingers look like with it.

Louis looks at him when his fingers go between their bodies as if asking for permission. Harry nods even if he wants to tell Louis that he doesn't need to ask for it.

Louis begins with one and Harry feels the small burn and cold on his walls. Louis takes advantage of it as practise so he only lets it go in and out slowly. When Louis goes with the second one, Harry is breathing heavily under his lips, Louis gets crazy and starts scissoring him, opening the young boy for him. But when he gets on the third one Harry is the one getting crazy, he moans and is holding Louis' upper arm tightly, so tightly that Louis thinks that he is going to come. His face is beautiful and Louis forgot about it simply, he couldn't remember from the last time. But now he promises himself that he'll memorise the moment when Harry is begging for Louis, the moment his lips are parted leaving beautiful and throaty noises escaping and the moment he's calling Louis' name in a way Louis never had the pleasure to witness.

"I'm gonna do it now," Louis whispers kissing Harry's cheek and he feels empty, so empty and he's literally begging for Louis' contact.

Louis gets in his knees between Harry's legs and spreads a good amount of lube along his whole length, since he doesn't have a condom, moaning by the touch. Harry watches his movements and then Louis' body is pressed against his once again. He won't ever get tired of feeling skin brushing skin this way. Still a bit wet and mixed with sweat it's hot and Louis smells like beach so Harry needs to kiss his shoulder and then his chest, keeping his hands on the side.

Louis looks at him in fond by the whole gesture and then he catches Harry's cheeks with both his hands to make him look at him in the eyes. Louis smiles, he just smiles and then

"I'm so in love with you Harry..." and kisses him, noticing that this is probably the first time he has actually said it and he hopes it won't be the last because wow, it's amazing.

Louis grabs the back of Harry's thighs lifting them up to give him space. He pulls away from the kiss and he'd love to know what Harry is about to say but he doesn't allow him anyway because he can't stand it, he can't stand much longer... Harry can't say it anyway when he feels Louis' head entering him. His mouth falls open but it doesn't come out any sound.

Louis goes in, slowly... he wants this to go slowly he wants to make love to Harry for much cheesy it must sound but that's just it. Besides, this is a whole new thing for them, there's anything wrong or right to make. This is just something both will share, not caring only about themselves because this is also about the other person.

Louis keeps still already with half of his length inside of Harry, he keeps kissing the boy's face and caressing his hair. He's so thigh, so impossibly thigh, it seems like it was in vain preparing him previously. But Louis knows he's the only one able to do this to Harry so he moves out a bit and then in again, going a bit deeper than the last time.

He does it for some time, Harry is trembling but Louis holds him. They only hear the other breathing heavily but Louis doesn't look away from Harry and he makes sure the younger boy keeps looking at him as well.

"I wish you could see how beautiful you look." Louis whispers when moves out and then in with his whole length. Harry whimpers this time and his eyes are a bit watering "I'm so sorry baby..."

"It's okay," and it's hard for Louis not to believe it because Harry's voice sounds so tender, his smile is so genuine "I want it... please move, please Lou..."

Louis kisses him and there's that short period of time while he does what Harry told him to he has that guilty conscience because he knows, he knows he's hurting Harry. He just doesn't know how much, but he knows the sounds the boy is making isn't from pleasure. Louis feels like this is their first time for real and he imagines that Harry was a virgin untill here.

They're literally a mess and Louis is shaking as well but only because Harry feels so good around him and he didn't remember about this, he didn't know how good it felt. The white sheets are crinkled by how tight Louis grabs them. He keeps slow but somehow he moves differently from the other times, not knowing quiet well what he's doing but the sound that comes out from Harry isn't from pain... Harry says it burns but he likes it and the sound he makes says it all.

So Louis keeps doing it. There's a mixture of slow, deep, fast and quick thrust. There's a mixture of whimpers, pants and moans in the air from both. There's a mixture of kisses, sucks and gentle touches between those two bodies. But there isn't a mixture of love, because that's the same for both.

Louis hits that same spot over and over again and Harry... Harry is just not there, he's somewhere only they know because Louis is following him, following Harry's voice calling his name. It's so obscene, loud and pleasurable that it's impossible not to love it, impossible not to want to make him call him that way all over again.

Harry is in trance because now it feels good "It feels so good," he says and he probably doesn't even give for himself to reach his hard member between their bodies because Louis' belly is touching it in such a teasing way that makes him tremble and curl his toes. Wanting more and faster and  _more_.

Louis takes both his hands instead, making Harry give a sound of protest. He shushes him leaving his arms above his head, quiet brutally, but he still intertwines their fingers and crashes their lips together.

It's not even a kiss because they only brush their lips in each other when Louis moves in and out. Harry's lips are even parted and it's gorgeous.

"I wanna hear you, the sounds you make... are wonderful..." And they are, Louis is addicted to them, he enjoys it as much as he enjoys thrusting into his best friend's body.

They're simply one. Literally one this time, so close, so into the moment... the breeze from the night coming from the window is free but Louis doesn't connect himself with it. He feels free, but he isn't because he has Harry. Harry is trapping Louis' body in his and there's no way out. Louis doesn't want to get out anyway. It feels good, wonderful... perfect even.

He is breathless but he isn't tired, Harry's sounds and the warmth from his body gives him energy.

Louis doesn't clean the stripes of sweat from Harry's temple like he wants because he simply doesn't want to let go Harry's hands. The younger boy wouldn't allow it anyway because he's tangling them so thighly and that says so much. Harry doesn't want to let Louis go, he wants with him always. Then they understand. They understand why people hold hands: it's not about possessiveness, saying  _this is mine_. But it's about maintaining contact. It is about speaking without words. It is about  _I want you with me and don't go_.

And Louis marks him when he isn't with their lips brushing, he keeps marking his body, never stopping his movements. It's like he's making drawings on Harry's neck, the only colours he uses are red and purple. And it looks stunning. Other times he uses words because once is never enough so he keeps reminding Harry how much he loves him, how beautiful he is and how good he makes him feel.

"You make me see the universe." He says between gasps.

"You make me so happy" Harry answers and it's all a game of words. Harry won in Louis' opinion because that only doesn't make him see the universe also makes him feel the sun burning on his skin by how close he is.

There's a moment when Louis thinks he might have hurt Harry because he twists underneath him and no sound comes from his lips. But that's when after some seconds he's breathing out Louis' name, loud but almost as if he's asking for help because it seems he has no air on his lungs and he's coming undone between them. He fucking came with Louis not even being rough and not going that _fast_ , he came with him being gentle, soft and not whispering dirty things but instead sweet nothings in his ear. And he came hard.

His legs give in just in time when Louis is filling him up and falling above the boy, not caring about the sticky come. There's not words now, only hot breathes and they don't have the strength to pull away, not even to make a gentle touch. Their fingers are still intertwined but it's not even their intention because they are barely touching.

After what it feels like hours – but it's really only two minutes – Louis pulls away and goes to the bathroom to bring a wet towel. His legs are jelly but he finds the same young and beautiful boy laid down on the mess of the dirty sheets, in the same position he left but with the difference that now he has a lazy smile on his kissable lips.

"Hi." Louis grins and he's so happy, so tired but so happy.

"Hi." Harry answers in his throaty voice allowing Louis to clean him up, from his belly, to his length and till the crack of his ass and the touch is just gentle and kind, apart from Harry's whines by how sensible his skin is now.

When they're all clean Louis puts the sheets above them and sure there's probably come there but now Louis doesn't seem bothered with it.

He pulls Harry to his chest and feels the boy pressing a kiss on their usual place, where there is a huge love bite this time.

"I love you." Harry says and it felt like ages since Louis hear him say that "I want to do this with you all the time." Louis chuckles and pulls him closer and tighter.

"You're wonderful."

"You're everything.... to me..."

And those are the last words Louis listens to because Harry's eyes are heavy and he's falling asleep on his chest, Louis shuts his afterwards because Harry is okay. Harry is more than okay now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone explain to me what the fuck did i just write


	29. He kind of dies

"Good morning," Louis says in the softest tone he can manage to do, placing sweet kisses along Harry's cheek bone, jaw and neck.

The younger boy wakes up right away, shivering under the touch and with the feeling of Louis' hands on his bare hips, squeezing a bit. His lips automatically form a lazy smile and he opens his sleepy eyes to be faced with a matched face of Louis' tone of voice.

"You okay?"

"Couldn't feel better." Harry replies in his so sexy morning voice, stretching his arms and feet when Louis pulls away from the kisses, but still staying close to his best friend, almost on his lap. They can feel each other's body perfectly and it's almost unbelievable good the feeling of waking up naked next to the person you love the most. 

Louis smells like menthol and Harry is sure he just brushed his teeth and all right he almost feels guilty the way he bites his bottom lip by the desire of wanting to kiss him but hell no, he has morning breathe and wouldn't be fair for Louis. Though, Louis wouldn't mind really.

"I prepared us a bubble bath."

Harry grins and hides his face on the crook of Louis' neck and there he can kiss him. "That sounds wonderful."

Louis makes him pull away and kisses his forehead this time, he intertwines their hands under the sheets and pulls Harry on his feet so they can head to the bathroom. They don't share any words, only smiles and that's all they need honestly. Harry makes sure to brush his teeth while Louis goes take the towels.

The feeling of being able to walk around naked and do everything naked with no problem at all is incredible and amusing at the same time. It's the first time Louis notices how hard Harry gets in the morning, which is only worse for him but also makes him feel special because now he knows it's not only him having wet dreams, that make him feel so, so ashamed.

The bathtub is huge, so huge that Louis doesn't need to lay down between Harry's legs like it happened at Harry's place but even then he still does it because he can and it wouldn't be right being apart from each other. Close, being close is always the answer.

Harry moans the same way he did the first time he felt Louis' back brushing and pressed against his member but this time Louis reacts at it and smirks cheekily at him. Harry only blushes and hides his face on Louis' hair groaning in embarrassment.

Louis put some ambient music on the background since Harry loves it, there are candles on the side and on the washbasin, which smell like roses and others like lavender. The bubbles also smell so good but Louis can't reckon the type of it because it was his mother's and were saved on the drawer probably forgotten. The small window is a bit open so they can listen to the seagulls from outside and the temperature of the water is on spot, since they can relax their bones nicely. It's really peaceful that both boys need to shut their eyes for a minute to appreciate the moment.

Louis massages Harry's legs on the side, under the water and Harry does the same with his arms and shoulders, while Louis rests his whole back and nape against Harry's chest.

"This is good." Harry whispers close to Louis' ear and he's so out of the world that only  _purrs_  as an answer, agreeing with the green eyed boy. "Thank you." Louis  _hums_  again, he doesn't need to say anything because he'd probably tell Harry for the fiftieth time that he clearly doesn't need to thank him so many times.

 _You deserve it._ Is always his though and Harry should know it by this time.

"Last night was good as well." Louis freezes and doesn't hum as an answer this time, but still grins. Grins like a fool because his skin still feels the warmth from Harry's touch, still remembers it and it's like he's still feeling every mark being done by Harry all over again.

"It was." Louis' voice is heard finally around the tiles. "It was more than good." It's Harry's time to hum in agreement, now kissing Louis' shoulder. "Was that the reason why you woke up hard?"

"Louis," Harry protests and Louis laughs.

"Harry," Louis tries to make the same tone as Harry's, almost being successful.

Harry groans and insults Louis from the back of his neck, Louis can't understand any word but he swears he hears Harry cursing "Hey, no bad talking behind my back."

"I wasn't talking bad about you." Harry's tone is from pure amusement now. He wasn't... and the cursing word he had said was actually to compliment Louis,  _saying I wouldn't get this hard if you didn't turn me on this fucking way_. But hey, good for Harry that Louis didn't listen to it, or he'd tease him badly.  

"Yeah right, do me a favour and wash my hair."

"Oh such a diva."

"Do you really think I prepared this for your own benefit?" Louis listens to him gasping in indignation so he chuckles. Nevertheless, Harry still asks for the shower head and then grabs the shampoo from the side to wash Louis' hair, because of course he couldn't say no when Louis' hair is always so soft, so beautiful and Harry could touch it all the time. He loves burying his face there so he can smell the mixture of the shampoo, cocoa and coconut, and Louis' own smell, it makes him know that he's home.

Harry gently massages Louis' scalp with the tip of his fingers making its way to his temple and behind his ears. Harry smiles a bit when listens to Louis' approval sounds and feels him relaxing his shoulders more and more.

This time he doesn't slip when trying to turn on the water because the tap is close to them. He takes off all the foam from Louis' hair always passing his fingers through his locks.

"You should be a hairdresser. You're good with your hands." Louis comments, eyes shuts while Harry brings his head a bit backwards, by his forehead, so he's almost resting it on Harry's shoulder and passing there the water.

"Am I?" Harry chuckles "Well, good thing you'll only be the one experiment it." Harry's voice turns out to be a soft whisper close to Louis' ear, placing then a kiss on Louis' flushed cheek.

"Want me to wash your body as well?" Harry continues whispering, this time wrapping his arms around Louis' chest. The older boy only leads his head backwards to be able to kiss Harry's neck. That's supposed to be his answer.

It's like the last time he did this. It's almost useless washing Louis' body this way since more than a half of him is under water and there's no way he's going to get out of the warmness and pull away from Harry's body. But it's okay. Definitely more than okay.

Harry puts the shower gel in his hands – it smells like coconut too, Louis' favourite smell if it's not obvious – not choosing to use the bath sponge this time, which makes Louis so thankful because he wants to feel Harry's hands on him.  _Feel._  It always creates sparks, he's so gentle and it's like he's touching something rare and fragile and Louis loves the way he can pass that message just with that touch.

He starts with his back and arms and honestly, it's almost as if he's not really giving Louis a bath because he's just _touching_. As if their contact wasn't enough, as if he's making sure Louis is real and is there with him, as if he was trying to say a million words with the touch of his hands on Louis' tanned and soft skin. Louis has literally the perfect skin, Harry envies it so much because Louis didn't even get teenage pimples on his back, let alone on his face. Harry sees so much perfection on Louis that it's unreal and he wants him all to himself.

And he does. He does have him just to himself.

He spreads more shower gel on his hands, the previous parts he washed aren't even covered in foam, it's just the gel so it's basically useless. But Harry likes the way his hands slide down easier and the smell it leaves behind.

Louis is quiet, too quiet, almost frozen but then he lets out a whimper, half in surprise half in pleasure. Such an obscene whimper that echoes through the bathroom and makes Harry shiver. Only because when he was taking his big palms through Louis' chest, once again just touching, he brushes Louis' nipples softly. The touch is barely there but it's enough to make them hard and all right, Louis didn't know this. Didn't know his body would react this way by Harry simply brushing his hand on his nipples.

"You okay?" Harry asks oblivious about Louis' new discover.

"Ye-Yeah, sorry..." Louis says shutting his eyes and taking his bottom lip between his teeth.

Harry doesn't answer, not even to say  _no need to apologise_ because hell, he surely doesn't need to because Louis' sounds... The way Louis reacts with Harry's touch makes him so... so... there's no words to explain it because it's like he's flying in a cloud unaware about what's happening on earth. They're so beautiful, Harry wants to be the reason of them forever, wants to listen to them on repeat every night before falling asleep all sweaty, breathless but so, so in love.

Harry kisses Louis behind his ear and he's not so oblivious about what happened now and he's determinate with his thoughts. So he does it again, he brushes the palm of his hand above Louis' nipples. This time is clear that Louis is containing himself because he just trembles between Harry's legs and if he was watching the older boy's face he'd see his lip white from biting and his eyes shut tightly.

The green eyed boy only smirks but then chooses to rub his index and middle finger nonstop yet gently and in a great rhythm, while his left hand goes down to grip Louis' ass, just the most he can reach underwater.

Louis can't hold his voice and gasps taking his head back to rest on Harry's shoulder. Harry can see his face now, a bit wet by the water, flushed, lips red and he's sure if his eyes were open their blue would look like glass.

"So beautiful Louis." Harry whispers and it's not fair the way he's talking and the way he says it with his lips brushing Louis' skin, tracing kisses along his exposed neck. Everything seems so pornographic, so sexy but still intimate and lovable.

"Ha-Harry... Stop..." Louis says breathless with the way Harry keeps rubbing his hard nipple and how he's touching the side of Louis' bum and thigh as if he is mad with Louis being sat because he just wants to grab both his ass cheeks and do things he never really imagined himself doing with Louis.

"Want me to stop?" Harry asks cautiously because he's not sure if Louis is saying stop because he truly wants him to stop and doesn't want Harry's hands on him or because he likes it and his stop means  _stop because it feels good to the point of being embarrassing but i still want you to continue_.

 Louis only hums again and how can Harry's voice still sound so concerned and kind while he's doing this to him? But he answers Harry by taking one of his hands from Harry's thighs to rest above the one Harry is using on his nipple, encouraging him to keep going.

Louis never thought he'd be so sensitive in this area, it never came to his mind that he'd feel this kind of pleasure. Or maybe it's just because it's Harry's hands.

Harry kisses Louis' neck one more time and takes his hands off from Louis' body, making the boy sigh a little by the loss of contact. Louis wants to ask why he stopped because now he is almost painfully hard and he can feel Harry pressed against his back probably harder than him.

The curly boy takes the shower gel again and starts washing Louis' chest for a second time as if nothing had happened. Louis frowns and wants to ask him if this was it but then he's shushed with Harry's hands right at the end of his belly and then sliding them to the side to grip Louis' thighs and then up to his hips.

It's still gentle but dominant and Louis concentrates on the melody that is playing on the background, although basically impossible to focus because Harry's hands on his body are moving in the same rhythm as the music.

Harry moves again to Louis' belly this time going all the way down and taking Louis' hard c*ck in his hand. Louis' breath gets stuck in his throat and he doesn't dare to speak, asking what he is doing – it's obvious though – or telling him to stop with the same meaning as previously, not even to encourage him to keep his hand there because it feels too good. 

"I want to touch you Louis. Want to make you feel as good as you made me last night." Harry whispers in his ear and Louis wants to say,  _but you made me feel wonderful last night as well_ , but he doesn't, instead Harry keeps talking. "You're so beautiful. I want to make so many things with you... I want to know well your body, let me... please."

Louis hums, a pitchy  _hum_ because Harry's choice of words aren't good for his heart and he chooses that exact moment to give a stroke along his whole length. Harry's hands are huge to the point of covering a bit more than half of Louis and going all around his length. It makes Louis think that he truly isn't that big.

"Do you want to? Do you want to come with my hands wrapped around your beautiful c*ck?"

 "Oh fucking hell Harry..." Louis moans while Harry keeps moving his hand, it even feels ten times better with water around them. Now he can't picture Harry his best friend, Harry the little kid he met on the sidewalk in front of his house, Harry the fragile boy he needs to protect, Harry the boy who hardly ever swears because no, that Harry would never say this at Louis but wow, fucking wow, Louis doesn't mind because the fact that he'll be the only one listening to Harry talking dirty makes him feel like the king of the world. He wants to, he wants everything Harry said and more. Much more. He wants everything really. And he absolutely doesn't mind to listen to Harry talking this way, once in a while.

 "Tell me Lou, I want to hear you. Do you want to?" he keeps stroking Louis length, changing from slow and gentle to fast and clumsily, rubbing the head with his thumb when reaches it, teasing. Louis would ask him if he ever jacked off this way because he can't think about anything else besides the fact that Harry is so good at this. 

 "Fuck," Louis breathes out, his shoulders are tense and he's desperate for release but it's still not enough he needs more, he wants more "Yes I do..."

 "You do what? You want what baby?" Harry sucks Louis' neck, never distracting himself from the movements of his hand. The other one makes its way to squeeze Louis' balls not allowing him to answer Harry right away, since his voice breaks with the touch.

"I want to... I want to come with your hands around me. I want to come with you touching me... Harry, Harry please..." he's whining, out of breathe because Louis never really felt something like this, no one ever touched him the way Harry does and what he feels for his best friend is something that makes other feelings barely noticeable.

Harry keeps touching him and he knows the way he's squeezing Louis' balls it's not to allow him to come and that is killing Louis because it's all so unbelievable good. But there's something wrong. The silence. Harry isn't talking anymore he's just kissing Louis' skin and focusing on his hands and even if Louis can distract himself with it and the way he's pressed against Harry's body as well, the way he needs to grip Harry's thighs at the side to hold himself, it's not enough though.

"Talk to me, keep talking to me that way..." He bets Harry is smirking behind him and before pressing his lips on Louis' nape he speaks.

"You love this don't you? Listening to me talking dirty to you. You also love my hands... you said I am good with them didn't you Lou?" He slows down his strokes but his grip gets tighter "What were you thinking when you said that, hum?"

"I was –" 

 "Were you thinking about those wet dreams you have with me?" Louis moans louder this time not only because of Harry's touch but also because of his words, making him remembering those dreams. Those dreams that right now seem so real, this is the Harry he dreamt about, now he is just real and knows Louis truly. "Where I fuck you and you beg for more." And holy shit, Louis rocks his body on Harry's hand now, parting his legs a bit further, making small waves in the water, his moan should make him feel ashamed even but he can't listen to himself. 

Harry stops squeezing his balls, which is painful but at the same time a relief, however he makes his way to rub and pinch one of Louis nipples and that's when he knows...

"I'm gonna... I'm gonna fuck –come..." Louis is so loud and god it's so hot the way he's moving pressed against Harry, the way he's reacting at his touch. Harry doesn't even need to move his hand, Louis is making the job, is so overwhelming because with Harry he always expects something good, ends up being better making him wishing more.

"I know... Think of me Louis. You do this after those dreams don't you? You did it that morning when I caught you. Moaning my name Louis... So loud, so good..." Harry himself is moaning along and breathless but he keeps talking, keeps inking those words on Louis' skin, making him shiver and always, always so good with his hands around Louis. "Louis..." The moment he gasps the older boy's name, Louis comes squeezing Harry's legs tightly. It's a mess, the water gets whiter in that spot, Louis' legs give up and his whole body is shaking. He's not himself now and he needs to rest his head on Harry's shoulder backwards, shutting his eyes because he gets blind for a second.

The music ends on the background and before starting another one, Louis only listens to both of them heavy breathing. His heart is racing and he's feeling so weak and fragile right now but couldn't feel better.

Harry keeps squeezing his thighs the whole time, making the little sound of the water moving, till Louis opens his eyes, trying not to think that their bath is now a mixture of the coconut gel's foam and come. 

"Wow, what was this?" Louis asks and his voice doesn't sound the same.

"God, I don't even know..." Harry replies taking his hands from Louis' thighs to his own face. That same moment Louis moves and pulls away from Harry's chest, making the younger boy whimper a little for no reason. They face each other and Louis notices the way Harry is covering his pretty face "I'm sorry if that was... erm, weird and just –"

"Oh darling..." Louis chuckles and takes Harry's hands in his, keeping himself between the V from his legs. "It was amazing, god you –you're hot." Louis says instead of the rumbling and mess of thoughts in his head.  

He finally locks their lips together and the kiss is hungry as if asking for more. Louis' hands travel to Harry's cheek, caressing it with his thumb, a gentle move otherwise their wild kiss.

"Let me do something for you..." Louis whispers with his lips brushing, he felt Harry's hardness against his back the whole time and that distracted him a lot, especially when he started to rock his hips along Harry's hand.

"Erm, you don't need to..." Louis pulls away frowning "I might have, hum... you know... while you were..."

"Oh." Harry's cheeks are deep red and when Louis looks down he notices that he's half hard perhaps. That explains a lot

"I'm sorry... but the way you moved your body and then... the way you moaned Louis... Wow, you..." he sighs and he's so flushed now, Harry doesn't even sound the same boy, who was talking dirty previously.

"Why are you apologising? Are you kidding? This makes me so pleased," Louis chuckles and they're still so close and Harry is so hot and sweet and Louis isn't on earth yet because he's still flying around the sky and enjoying Harry's touches and words somewhere.

He decides to stroke Harry's flushed cheeks, which ends up failing at pulling away when keeps kissing Harry's whole face. Literally his whole face. "This was something." He chuckles, eyes full of lust and smile full of love. Harry looks back at him still with that shy smile and glassy eyes.

Next Louis washes Harry this time and who knew it'd be such a wonderful experience. Something he wants to repeat really. He's gentle and the moment is just intimate. Expected from two guys who know each other for so many years, know each other this well and share these unique feelings.

They only share kisses and lovable words that will only be their secret. Not I love you's, because that word is starting to be less than what they really feel. It's not enough so they need more. They end up having the world and the universe because they're so lucky that anything seems to be tiny. They found  _that_ person in such a tender age. The person who they can find the connection, who everyone needs in their lives. They're living it since the beginning and they need to appreciate it.

They do.

~*~

They spend the rest of the day at home. Louis knows it's a waste since tomorrow will be their last day so they should be having fun around the city or go to the beach. But he knows sometimes Harry just needs to spend a full day at home, isolated from everyone else. It's okay. It's okay because now when he feels like it, he doesn't push Louis away like he used to. Being alone for him means being with Louis in a room. And now... now is being alone with Louis in a bed with dirty and messy sheets making out and eating junk food.

They don't do anything else, only kissing mainly because Daisy is staring at them and it'd be rude from them to push her away from the room. They didn't let her sleep with them last night and she got pretty mad.

She truly did.

So the next day they make for it going out all day, in the morning at the beach, they have lunch at home to disappear with the food they bought those days and then they walk around the city. They have dinner in a restaurant and even if they don't say anything they know it's a date.

Still normal, they still lock their ankles under the table, they still laugh too loud, they still talk about shit – not literally, but it wouldn't be the first time – the only new thing is that when Harry laughs too loud about something Louis says – a thing he's sure it wasn't even  _that_  funny but Harry always have to create that glow in his eyes and make Louis seem something more than he actually think he is – Louis' emotions take over him. He stares at the curly haired boy, whose hair looks especially beautiful tonight and voluminous, and stands up from the chair so brutally, making Harry look widely at him but not giving him time to speak when his whole body is nearly on top of the table, going all the way across it to take his cheeks in his hands and kiss him. Right there in a restaurant full of people looking at the scene, ones smiling as if they were their own children, others covering their kid's eyes, other trying to ignore it and most of them just surprised to witness it.

They never cared about public affection, never, so this won't be exception. And Louis thinks, if he has someone like Harry next to him, if he's so proud of having him, why hiding that from everyone? He wants to make them jealous even if it's crazy, he wants to.

Maybe he can.

~*~

The two boys surely don't want to go back home and they make it pretty clear when they are supposed to head back at nine but end up going two hours later – Louis didn't even care this time – due the fact that they want to say goodbye to that massive bed while making out and then  _accidentally_ Louis ends up giving Harry a bl*wjob and come in his pants with the beautiful and flushed boy, spread down on the mattress – already without sheets – grabbing his shirt in his fist and moaning Louis' name as if he is the only person he knows in his life.

They don't really clean the house since Louis knows his mother always asks for the cleaning lady going there every summer after their arrival, but he makes sure to clean all the evidences that could point out that two teenagers boys were there and had the best time of their lives.

The way back seems shorter this time, which is kinda weird since they even stop in a station to drink some coffee and obviously Harry needs to go pee. They keep the whole way singing alone the mix Louis made for the trip, even if they had listened to it when they were heading to Liverpool.

It's sad, Louis feels kinda sad that the trip is over since they had such a great time and he managed to make Harry so happy, away from Doncaster. He wanted to do that for so long, even if this time didn't last their entire lives like he wished. But he thought it was going to be hard for him since he didn't know if he could handle the whole situation about his feelings from his best friend but ended up knowing that Harry loved him the same way, apparently for so, so many years by now. So he comes home with some spots on his neck, Harry with words craved on his beautiful lips and well fucked.

It makes him smile.

And then Harry needs to tell him to focus on the road or he'll kill them both.

Louis wants to kiss him, but he doesn't since it'd be too risky and he wants to keep living.

He keeps living till he reaches the sidewalk of his house. And even when Harry talks to him.

"Lou..."

"Harry..."

"I really loved this week you know?"

"I know." Louis smiles back at his best friend, whose hand is rested above his thigh and his sparkling green eyes don't leave his face. "I did too."

"I love you." Louis knows he's saying these three words not to speak the two ones.  _Thank you._ It's an achievement

"I love you too."

"Kiss me."

And Louis is still alive when they kiss.

Lips brushing in a lovable gesture, slowly and hands tangling in each other.

When Louis pulls away he kind of dies.

Harry probably does too. Louis is sure the young boy stops breathing when sees Sarah and David outside the car, looking at them in both disgusts and anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if someone is following this pls tell me i love knowing your opinions ^-^


	30. Accept yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Dressed in black by Sia
> 
> Better than i know myself by Adam Lambert

There's the sound of the phone buzzing in the desk, the sound of someone shouting from outside the door while hitting on the wood hard and there's the sound of loud thoughts on Louis' mind. He only listens to the last noise, everything else is in silence because there isn't the noise he wants to hear around him.

Harry's voice.

The nerves he is feeling are surrounding his heart and taking care of his emotions, however he is just emotionless on the outside and with no one to hold him around.

It seems hard to believe but it's been like this for half an hour now.

_"When we get out of the car don't say a word and go home."_

There was no time to protest about it, there was no strength to fight for it but there was space to the awful feeling of guilt, fear and disappointment. Disappointment on himself because once again he let his best friend down, he let himself down and ran away. Ran away while that young and broken boy next to him stood up for both and let everyone believe that he has no fear of braveness.

Louis could write down all the things he could have done differently but that would only make himself feel worst. But it's true, if he hadn't kissed Harry there his parents wouldn't see, if he had charged his phone before the trip he would have answered his mother's calls saying that Harry's father came to his door shouting and asking for his son, if he hadn't been weak and get ready two hours earlier he would be home sooner and Harry's parents would come back minutes later, in time for both of them get ready. But there was no way to guess that they would come today but Louis doesn't think about it. Can only think about if he hadn't invited Harry for that trip they wouldn't get caught, get caught together with their bags on the backseat, with a new tan, with new marks... kissing.

And Harry was happy. Harry was so fucking happy but Louis saw... Louis witnessed the moment his whole happiness fell with Louis' heart along. He watched how Harry's dimple faded, how his eyes lost the glow, how he became so tense on his seat looking back at his parents and how his voice changed. It all happened in a sequence of three seconds and that was just so heart-breaking.

Louis wanted to stay, to say no and protest with whatever he had, he wanted to drive and take Harry away from there... he wanted to run away but Harry didn't. He managed to keep being brave for his own sake and Louis kept being the coward, the coward friend who couldn't even ge+t out of the car and stand up from his best friend. Maybe even calling his mom, asking for help, even if it sounds exaggerating he knows it isn't.

He is so afraid of what Harry's parents can do to him, what they can say to him... what they can change. They can change everything, they have such a power... they have the power to change Louis' life and he didn't think much about it until now.

They can be hurting Harry emotionally and physically now and he wouldn't know and wouldn't be able to help. They can be yelling at Harry and saying that he will be stuck in that house again that Louis won't be able to take him away from there. They can be destroying Louis and Harry's life by telling his son that he will never be able to see his best friend again that Louis will still think that they're one and tomorrow he'll have green eyes looking at him and beautiful lips kissing him and whispering sweet nothings.

He is oblivious of everything, even of what Harry's parents are able to do.

What will be their limit? What will be Harry's limit? And when will they reach it?

"Louis, is Zoe now... again. Please open the door, it's been an hour." So it's been an hour, not half. And still nothing.

Louis moves from the first time since he sat on his bed, his bedroom still like he left before leaving. Blinds shut leaving the place in the darkness, some clothes above his chair – and not all of them are his –, a towel on the floor and the ambient still smelling like Harry.

He walks to his desk, legs aching and he notices that he's shaking his hands when grabs his phone in hope that one of those twenty calls are from the person he needs to listen.

They're all from his mother, when she tried to call in the morning and from his sister when she tried to call this last hour.

"Louis, it's going to be okay I promise." How dare her to say that? Louis thinks. That's just the words he can't stand right now, the words he fears to turn out to be a lie and a broken promise. "Just open it. Mom is worried and Peter is crying and we don't even know why."

Louis sighs but it comes out broken as if he had been crying. He opens his mouth but shuts it again. What is he doing? Harry is probably on the other side of the street being brave and strong, dealing with bigger problems right now and he's locked in his room in silence and just praying for the best as if it'd help. It won't.

He goes towards the door, unlocks it and then opens it to be faced with his worried sister. She looks at him a bit in shock, not expecting him to open the door after all this time. Louis stares at her for a moment, just really a short moment till he breaks down.

He has been in shock, emotionless untill now but maybe is the fact that the hall isn't all dark, maybe because he sees his sister, maybe because he makes some move... something changes and he sees himself walking towards her shouting and crying, letting out everything off of his chest.

"I don't wanna lose him," and it didn't even happen but Louis realised that Harry is not the only one fearing his parents. Louis fears them too because he just can't picturing them patting Harry's back and smile after knowing their son is gay and went on vacations with his best friend, the person he was kissing in that car.

Zoe opens his arms of course and lets him sink in them, he's sobbing and he's breathing so heavily that is scary.

"What are they doing to him? To my Harry. I want him here. It's my fault. I don't want them to take him away from me." He speaks fast between cries, it's almost impossible to understand. His body is shaking and she doesn't know what to do to her brother.

"Mom!" She shouts from the hallway in panic because she knows Louis is not the type of person to do this, he doesn't usually break down for nothing, let alone the fact crying in front of her, but he almost seems that he's having a panic attack.

"Make it stop. He needs to be happy. It's my fault. I want him here. What are they doing to him? Harry. Why?" He cries and Zoe can only feel the wet and hot tears on her shoulder and feeling his body giving up.

Her mother comes running to the hall and sees them, Louis grabbing her sister and crying so hard, she literally sees his body trembling from crying and from the nerves. He keeps crying out things difficult to understand and Zoe's expression is from panic because she feels every bone of his brother's body shaking and feels his heart beat on his chest.

"Sweetheart look at me." Fiona tries to make him look up at her but he keeps hiding his face on his sister's shoulder, breathless, shouting and it's all mixed with his tears. She literally thinks that he can't breathe there and it's just mere seconds till his body gives up completely. "Louis you need to breathe, please honey, please look up at me."

"But Harry," she understands these words but what comes next is just gasps.

Zoe tries to pull away and in that moment Fiona grabs him from his shoulders and makes him rest his back against the wall. Peter is right at the end of the hall watching the scene, still crying from previously. It all seems a movie scene but right now it's all real for Louis and it's fucking terrific.

"I know sweetheart, but just calm down now."

Louis takes his shaky hands to his face and cries harder, his chest goes up and down rapidly and maybe because of his lack of strength he slides down from the wall to sit on the floor.

"Mom, he is having a panic attack." Zoe warns her mother, as if it wasn't obvious, while the older woman sits next to Louis on the floor. "I'm gonna call dad."

"He's in a surgery, it's useless." And Fiona can only think that it was just bad luck that the hospital called him for an emergency today. "Louis, please block out your thoughts now, don't think. It's gonna be okay, just..." The woman groans in frustration. It's useless and worse if she tells him to breathe, she just wants to hug him but it feels like if she does it he'll die from lack of oxygen. She feels hopeless and the only thing she can do is watch her son with his head between his knees crying and shaking from every places.

She takes his hand instead and tries to massage his knuckles and his palm in soft movements.

"They can't find out..." Louis keeps crying out, Fiona feels her heart clenching and Zoe is only sat on the opposite side of the hall, looking at the scene. "...that he is gay. They'll hurt him. I don't want him hurt. But they saw it. They saw us kissing." Louis looks up at his mother, his cheeks all wet from the salty tears and his eyes soulless "I wanna kiss him. Bring him here. Harry. I want Harry mom. Everything was okay. Now it's not. I need him. Don't take him away."

Fiona looks at her soon in sadness, while Zoe only looks at them both in shock. Fiona is too... in shock by Louis' words but instead of commenting she says "It's all right honey. It's gonna be all righ. Don't talk now, just think about what makes you happy. Think about previously when everything was okay." She keeps caressing his hand and brings her other hand to his back, patting him gently and brushing his hand in circles.

Louis takes a deep breathe, however his respiration keeps heavy. He goes in silence for what it seems the first time since he started panicking. It's so sad. So sad, because this is Louis' reaction to the thought of losing Harry. He can't, and now he knows the impact of it, of thinking that he's about to lose his best friend.

~*~

He doesn't.

Louis calms down after some minutes but keeps sat on the floor with his mother next to him patting his back, Zoe looking at him in concern and Peter sitting on top of the stairs waiting for everything to finish.

There's a knock at the door but none of the three people move, nor flinch. Louis zoned out completely and his mother doesn't dare to look away from him.

Zoe listens to the door being opened and she swears she listens to Peter whimpering. There's silence and then people climbing the stairs. When she looks at the end of the hallway she sees Peter holding hands with the boy with big curls and wet eyes.

Her own heart jumps out of her chest and she's just Zoe. Louis looks up and the shock doesn't allow him to move from the floor but Harry smiles at him and keeps walking towards his best friend, who probably looks like trash.

Fiona smiles too, as if Harry was smiling at her.

Harry sits on the other side next to Louis and brings him to his arms only saying "It's okay baby." And they fall into silence for long minutes not noticing when Zoe and Fiona disappears, Peter runs towards his room and when their bums start aching.

"Did they scream too much?" Louis is the one breaking the silence and he also didn't notice that Harry was silently crying next to him untill now.

"You can't even imagine." It's his shaky answer and Louis doesn't find himself surprised by it.

"What did they say?" There's a pause, like the ones Harry used to do when he didn't talk much.

"Don't really want to say it out loud..." Louis nods with his head still pressed against Harry's chest.

"What are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Yes but... no. No it's not. I thought... after what they saw and well they know it. Everything. Kind of. Did you sneak out? It's probably worse if you do that Harry –"

"Hey, Lou..." Harry brings his best friend's head up to look at him. They look the same so if Louis is wondering how trash he looks like is just looking at Harry that it's almost as if he is looking at himself in the mirror. The green eyed boy rests his forehead against Louis', grabbing his cheeks in both hands and the older boy appreciates it as if it is their last time feeling the heat from each other's body so close. "I'm here for now."

"For now?" Louis wants to pull away but Harry doesn't allow him to, instead he presses their forehead harder and shuts his eyes tightly.

"For as long as they let me." Louis places his hands above the younger's boy ones and after feeling Harry sighing above his lips he opens his eyes to look again at Louis, now with a smile on his lips. "They let me be with you."

Louis' eyes open widely and when he pulls away Harry doesn't have time to keep him in place. "What?"

"I can be with you whenever I want from now one. They let me. They –they let me Lou."

Louis shocked expression turns to a full grin and he feels the complete opposite that what he was feeling half an hour ago, crying at his sister's shoulder.

"What are you saying? They –They don't have a problem? With anything of this? It means they won't forbid you from seeing me?" Harry presses his lips tightly and shakes his head, denying everything Louis is saying. "But they... they know you are –they know we..."

"Yes. And no, they didn't start loving me. Especially after everything, they hate me Louis," Louis doesn't even try to protest against it, for much he wants to say  _they do, they just have a different way to express it_ , he is not sure if he'd be lying or not by this time. "They hate me so –so much..." Harry is nearly crying and Louis doesn't have the courage to tell him not to slip one more tear for them that now it's all okay... but he knows it isn't for his best friend. "My dad slapped me, my mom called me disgusting... they said so many things that –that hurt me. I lost my mind there and..." he takes a deep breathe "Louis... you won't leave me will you?"

"Harry, I'm afraid I'm kind of confu –"

"Answer me please. Will you leave me?"

Louis looks surprised with this sudden question, especially by the way Harry is asking him, so sad and his eyes are watering, his voice broken and Louis feels like they aren't close enough even if Louis has one of his hand tangled with Harry's while the other is on his arm and Harry keeps holding him by his waist. Even if he can feel his heartbeat, he's nearly on his lap and in a quick move he could be kissing him.

"I won't Harry, you know I won't. I told you, fuck –I promised you. I'm here."

"Will you ever hate me?"

"Harry, baby... no, no I will never hate you. I couldn't. I love you so much... I was so afraid to lose you. I will never be able to feel such thing towards you." he takes his hand from Harry's upper arm to touch his face. Carefully, afraid that the younger boy can vanish in his arms. "Do you believe in me?"

Harry nods "Yes, yes I do..." he doesn't hesitate and that's what makes Louis think that Harry honestly changed and now he has no problem of letting Louis in. I mean he has been sure for years now and it's so comforting.

"Why this Harry? Tell me, things will really be okay from now on? Did they hurt? I mean more than the usual, like more physically and stuff... What made them change mind, like, I'm so confused... Ha –"

Louis isn't able to continue when Harry, almost harshly, pushes him against his chest to be the closest he can from his best friend, to kiss him. It's in rush and it seems wanted for ages even if it only been an hour since their last kiss. His hands travel to Louis' hair, so his fingers tangle on his locks, keeping him still. Louis even makes a muffled surprised sound from the touch but he kisses him back right away. The curly haired lad pulls away before giving time for Louis to taste him and put his hands on him.

"It's okay. Don't think about it Louis, I don't really wanna talk about what we –about what happened. They hurt me a lot but I... I decided to stand up for myself. They can't make this to me. Even if they don't... don't see me as their son anymore –as if they ever saw –they can't do it..." he sighs deeply and Louis notices how hard it is for him to actually talk about this, to mention it. Louis can't fucking imagine what happened in that house and he hopes it stays this way because if Harry won't tell him –and he is okay with that because he knows it hurts him –he doesn't want to think and imagine what they possible had said and did because he might picture worse than what truly happened. But he's scared really... and confused.

"So I can go to your house even if they're there? And you can come to mine?" Harry nods once again

"They don't care. If I thought that they were living as if I didn't existed most of the time." He makes a pause "Now it'll be worst. It'll be all the time. They won't look nor talk to me. Let alone to you."

"Is that... is that good?" Louis dares to ask. He hates Harry's parents, he hates them. For what they do and don't do to their son, it's not right but Louis feels like he can't do anything. He truly can't but now... now it's like he has Harry like he always wanted, like he wished and... should.

When he is about to apologise Harry speaks "It's not –it's not good, Louis..." he looks down

"I know, fuck, I'm –"

"But, part of it, even if it hurts, it is good. Because I'll be with you and you make me happy... they don't. They make me miserable."

Louis doesn't dare to say anything else, he limits himself to hug the younger boy because he's there, they're still alive, they're still close. And they will always be. Louis feels like he is dying inside knowing how Harry must be feeling and he just... he feels happy because he has got Harry. He knows it's selfish and he feels guilty for thinking this way but Harry's parents only deserve his hate, he can't understand the reason why they treat such a beautiful person like Harry, their son, this way.

But he decides to pull all his thoughts away, so they stay sat on the floor hugging each other for at least fifteen minutes. It's Louis comforting Harry this time, once in a while he pats his head or kisses his temple. Harry insists on having their fingers tangled the whole time and maybe he's comforting Louis as well, in a way, while drawing invisible circles with his thumb on Louis' palm.

They get downstairs after a while, to be faced with Zoe and Fiona sat on the chairs from the island. They were talking and at the moment they see the two boys walking in, holding hands, they stop. Fiona smiles and Zoe makes her best not to ask how they are feeling and how things are going to be from now on. But they're smiling so bad things won't happen for what it seems and she knows it'd be better to keep the subject quiet. Fiona does the same as well, instead she says that she had brought their stuff from the car after Louis arrived and she started joking about how they forgot about Daisy in there.

The kitten seems almost mad since she keeps on Fiona's lap and doesn't walk towards Harry and Louis. Then they go to the living room and sit on the couch to show them the pictures and videos they took and made on the trip.

Things seem almost normal and Fiona and Zoe seem to understand that yes, maybe things will be normal because Harry is there and he doesn't seem worried.

Part of the time Fiona and Zoe are laughing and mocking Louis and Harry joins at the party. If Louis wasn't seeing the boy laughing that way and then smiling in apologise and pulling him closer by his shoulder, kissing his hair, he would protest about it. But Louis was also busy analysing another thing...

He notices in their videos how he and Harry interact, it's that way people see them together. And damn, of course Louis blushes when Harry makes some gentle move in the video and he notices how his mother looks at them in fond, he almost wants to make a hole and disappear when he flirts with Harry and Zoe bumps his elbow with his. But Louis sees... he sees that they look at each other a little too long to be  _just friends_.

~*~

Harry needed to go after they watched the whole videos and pictures, and of course after they gave Peter the present they bought him. He didn't protest about them giving him the same thing, even after them saying it wasn't on purpose, but nevertheless the kid still preferred Harry's and said Louis that he had lost this fight.

Louis wanted to kiss Harry right there in front of his family when he started making faces at him and laughing, sing songing  _Peter prefers me._ He wanted to show them that Harry was literally his and that no one could take him away.

He didn't. So he let him go from that door with only a tight and longer-than-necessary hug.

He was waiting for it, so he isn't surprised when his mother stops making dinner and sits next to him – he keeps the habit of watching her making dinner since he was little.

"Sweetheart can I make you some questions?"

"Sure mom." He says, dropping the apple he was about to cut to eat, on the counter.

"First... did things with Harry went well? With his parents, I mean... I didn't really want to ask about it while he was here because I know how much it hurts him but... he was here and he seemed okay."

"He isn't okay mom." Louis confesses and doesn't dare to look back at her. "He didn't tell me what happened there, I know how hard it is for him... but he said they let him come here and see me, which well, it surprised me because I was thinking they were going to lock him in that house and the last time I saw him... would be that, the last time." He sighs sadly "It's confusing for me and I don't know how he made them change their mind especially after... erm, what happened." He bites his lip, trying to bite the tightest he can till tasting blood. He doesn't feel good talking about this with his mother, even though he knows he needs and Fiona is always there for him to listen... he just wished Harry had one like he has.

"So he can... he can come here whenever he wants to?" She sounds as surprised as Louis and he only nods as an answer, still keeping his eyes down. "But that's good honey," she takes his hand in hers "that's really good. You know, I probably feel the same way you do towards his parents and believe me, if I could, I'd help. Your father and I."

"You could adopt him." Louis says looking at his mother from the first time, in amusement.

"I'm afraid I can't." And now that Louis thinks better, it wouldn't be a good idea. "I just hope everything goes okay from now on, that boy doesn't deserve it. You know we love him a lot and want his best and it breaks my heart knowing how he must feel in that house. That's why I always told you to take care of him."

"He sees you like a mother."

Fiona nods smiling a bit and Louis allows her to keep holding his hand "I know and I love the fact he thinks that way. I see him as a soon as well." She keeps smiling "Though, if he's my son then he is your brother, isn't that weird?"

"What?" Louis frowns even noticing the amusement in Fiona's voice.

She pushes him closer to her arms in silence, still with a smile on his lips while Louis just looks startled and scared at her. She pets his hair, putting his fringe away from his forehead, like she used to do when he was younger and places a kiss on top of his head, resting her own head there. Louis is nineteen now,  _nineteen_ , next year he is probably going to college, leaving home and Fiona isn't ready for that. Louis is, a big part of him is with some conditions, that won't be mention now. But she is still his mother, his first best friend and Louis has the kind of relationship with her that he feels truly lucky for.

Usually, the boy is the one who gets along better with his father while the girl is with her mother. But in Louis' family is the opposite. Zoe talks with Carl the most while Louis does with Fiona – Peter is still too young but something tells Louis that he is going to choose his older brother to talk about things (or even Harry). However, the fact that he decided not to mention the Harry's subject at her, when he was feeling down about it, when he felt like it, when he needed and when he was in his worst, craving his mother's advices, he decided against it. He was scared most of the time, he didn't understand his own thoughts enough to put it out there and he didn't want to make a big deal of it.

He wasn't thinking about telling his sister, it kinda came out but he felt guilty when that happened. He was allowing himself talking about it... with his sister. Not with his mother like he felt he should.

"Louis... you know I love you so much." Louis heart starts pounding on his chest. There he goes... he knows what is coming next, he knows it is a serious conversation when his mother feels like she needs to remember him that he has her love. They don't even say it a lot of times, when he was younger it was a habit but it started to fade away while growing up. "You're my son, my baby and I'm always here for you. I try my best to be a good mother for you, for your sister and for Peter. He's still young and I can't disappoint him yet, neither can he. You and your sister are grown up now. By this time you'd be going to the university and your sister is on high school as well."

Louis disappointed his own mother a lot of times. When he failed the year but before that when he lost himself on tenth grade and decided to leave Harry for a bit. When he got a girlfriend and when he changed to the point of not caring about anything, not even himself. That made her sad, which made Louis sad as well... and lost. The first time he disappointed Fiona was when he broke her mother's vase. He wished he could only disappoint her by breaking things or making tantrums –but he didn't even was a boy of doing that, he was just persistent, he used to say.

"It's a bigger responsibility for me and your father. When we first thought about starting a family we agreed on two things. Having two babies and being the best parents we could. As you can see we failed on the first one but it is... it was a good failure because now we see that we're much happier with three wonderful and beautiful kids. But we don't want to fail on the second one because that one was made not to break while the other one was an opened book."

Louis is frowning by now, his mother keeps in the same position she pulled him in. He doesn't protest and tries his best not to breathe too loudly, so in the kitchen can only be heard her feminine voice.

"Harry's parents... I supposed they didn't planned it well and maybe if they did things would be different. Things would be happier for them. I only know what you tell me and I know there's things I don't know and things you will never know. What happens in that house stays there and I know it makes you really sad what Harry has to handle, it makes me as well, but there are certain things you can't protect him from."

"His parents are one of those. You can't also protect him from fate. Destiny is there, it's made for him and only he can change it sweetheart, you can only be part of it. Like yours. He's part of it now isn't he? He has been for a while and I'm happy for both that your destiny at the moment is like this because you have each other. He has you. He loves you Louis, maybe more than I think, maybe more than you can imagine."

She pulls him away by his shoulders and Louis looks at his mother with an expression that no one can understand. She holds his hands and keeps talking.

"He is a special boy but like every other person he needs love. I know you love him, Louis. I don't quite know how but I do know you love that boy more than you did when you were ten and sometimes more than you love your own family. It's okay, baby. It's okay and I'm so thankful to see you growing up in front of me, changing from the good to the bad and for the good again. I'm a proud mother since the first day I heard you crying in my arms and I will be till the last word spoken by me. Anything will change not even when I see the way you changed towards Harry."

"I saw you changing from that front door to the way you used to sit on the sidewalk in front of his house. I saw the change on the smile you give to your sister or brother to the smile you give him. I saw and see everything Louis and I saw the way you changed your mind towards him. It's okay as well. I trust you, I mean, I need to trust you that's why I need these talks with you. So you can trust me as well."

She sighs, closing her eyes and looking down for a moment before looking back at a shocked Louis. "I don't feel the need to have this conversation with you only because suddenly you told me you kissed Harry and I know it wasn't in the way you used to kiss him... the way he kissed you here in front of us; more like the way you kissed your girlfriend. Honestly, I knew you were never into that girl and I knew that because I wasn't fond of her as well. Unlike Harry. I'm very much fond of him and you are as well since the first day you came to me and said you made a new friend and from now on you'll have someone to play with on summer. I also know things changed a bit between the day he spent the first Christmas with you and the day you found him kissing your sister. As well as I know that anything changed when you saw the real Harry and when I told you that maybe he is a bit... depressed. Along the time maybe he started to feel more than I first thought and then less when you kept present. Because you want to be as present as you can and can't, if I can make myself understand."

"I'm having this conversation with you because I, before anyone else, want you happy. Happy with others and with yourself. I want to be the mother you deserve and can be happy with. I want you to accept yourself because there is not wrong or right way of who you choose to be, who you can be. Me being with your father is as normal as you being with Harry, sweetheart and I want you to know that you could have told me that sooner. And maybe not that way, not crying and in pain, probably would be better if you reached me out of nowhere, maybe while I was making dinner and you were here watching me, and just tell me  _Mom I like Harry like you like dad_ or  _Mom I like kissing Harry and I'm very happy with it_ or even  _Mom I'm in love with Harry._ You could swear that I'd pay more attention at your language than the fact that my boy likes another boy. I'd handle it like your sister tells me that she wants pizza for dinner. I'd just smile because that's honestly what I want. Pizza. Which means that I want happiness."

Louis feels himself grinning by his mother's comment apart from his heart being beating too fast, his lips shaking and his eyes aching. Fiona chuckles as well and then stops it, backing to her serious but still caring face, caressing Louis' cheek.

"I feel like crying right now, honestly, but I want to make my point clear here Louis. I don't know what else to tell you, just that it's okay because you're doing what makes you happy. That's why I let you go on that trip with Harry, that's why I care so much about that boy. He's so special for you and I always knew that but you didn't so I let it go. I hope you know now and I don't want that to bother you like I felt it did last year. I want you to accept yourself like I accept myself, like Harry accepts you."

She smiles and Louis feels like crying as well, he feels like the world is spinning around faster than the usual and he can actually feel it. He's upside down so the only way to hold himself is hugging his mother tightly.

"Mom," he does it and buries his face on her shoulder and lets himself be held. Fiona accepts the embrace and when she listens to Louis saying "Mom, I'm gay. I'm gay and I love Harry... so much." She smiles and holds him tighter

"I know baby. I know. I'm so proud." And Louis knows too, he is as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> » a few important things (i hope you read my notes bc sometimes they're important others just shitty and sappy).
> 
>  
> 
> Yes, you will know how went harry and his parent's conversation later on.
> 
> This chapter kinda sucks (didn't go like i wanted) but at the same time it's really important because we Fiona is a babe and cares a lot about Louis as well as she cares about Harry and this is to show how much her words matter for Louis and how he is accepting this better, the fact that he is gay and is in love with his best friend (which was a huge factor in his thoughts as you know it killed him on the inside, thinking that he could lose him bc of his feelings).
> 
> Also it's for you to see how Louis would handle with the simple though that maybe he wouldn't be able to be with Harry and how he reacted. it's sad and depressing honestly.


	31. Knock, knock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is shorter than the usual and i know it's kinda stupid and sucks so let me apologize right at the beginning. next one will be better i promise, i was just a bit lost to what to write on this chapter to skip some time in the story.

Louis learnt so many things through the years with Harry and maybe that's why he is obsessed with the younger boy. He's obsessed with learning more and more from him. Another detail of his body, another gentle touch that he might need but didn't realise sooner, another colour that he never imagined it could exist, another thing to start to love... Louis is already in that state where anything can't be denied, he just confesses everything, he isn't afraid of his feelings and of what their friendship is.

So he loves being horribly straightforward. He loves sending reckless text messages –because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be? –, telling Harry he loves him and that he is an absolutely magical human and cannot believe he really exist. He loves saying,  _kiss me harder_ , and  _you're a good person_ , and _, you brighten my day_. He wants to live his life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, he might get hit by a bus. Harry might disappear. They might follow different steps.

Maybe it's weird. Maybe it's scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let him know he wants him, needs him, feel like, in that very moment, he will die if he doesn't see that boy, hold him, touch him in some way whether it's his feet on his thighs on the couch or his tongue in his mouth or his heart in his hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate, Louis thinks.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care, his mom once said.

They're young and they're human and they're beautiful and Louis knows he is not as in control as he thinks he is.

We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.

Louis hopes it's still far away or when that day comes Harry will be there to save him from not being killed, not letting him disappear because Harry might – definitely –feel the same way, he might be scared of that same bus, that's why when he kisses Louis it feels like he's doing it as if it is the last time he'll do that. Last time touching him. Last time seeing him. Last time just being there. And even if Louis fears it –fears being consumed with that terrible feeling –he enjoys it. He appreciates the love.

"In 20 years I won't remember today; that scares me." Harry suddenly says breaking the silence from a cold night.

They're laid down on Louis' bed, it's 3am and Louis is tired. School started for a while now and he keeps trying his best because it's their last year of high school and maybe he is feeling the pressure too much.

He thinks Harry is too. He never seemed too stressed out with school because he was always good at classes and exams and that  _studying thing._ But this year seems different, he looks tired as well and they're only in the beginning of November. Louis likes to believe it's school, because it seems like a better excuse... but he knows that it's not the main reason.

Harry wasn't supposed to sleep at Louis' tonight since they have school tomorrow and even if they sleep better together the fact that they only fall asleep around this hour doesn't help. But the thing is, Louis couldn't deny Harry when he called him crying. He is getting used to it again, it's not always because Harry's parents fight with each other or with him, tonight wasn't that. Tonight Harry said  _I miss you and I feel sad_. It would be good listening to the first part if it didn't come with the second one and tears.

Harry is getting sadder every time he isn't with Louis and the older boy knows it's still his parents' fault. The only way he has to help Harry with it is just  _appear._  Appear and stay.

"I'll be there to remind you." Louis says softly and in a whisper, even not being sure if he was supposed to answer it.

"What if you don't remember as well?" Harry looks up from Louis' chest while Louis just squeezes their tangled hands

"I will remember." Harry doesn't feel convinced with that answer so Louis sighs and pulls away. Harry looks confused at him when Louis gets out of the bed but sits up anyway waiting for the blue eyed boy to come back.

Louis walks towards him again with his Polaroid camera in hands and sits next to Harry. The younger boy keeps frowning but that look quickly disappears when Louis leans over and cups his face with his free hand and kisses him on the lips.

They hear the  _click_  from the camera and Louis pulls away to pick the picture. He shakes it in his hands to appear the image, not noticing the way Harry keeps looking at him in fond but a bit questioning the moment.

"Here, now you have this to help you." Louis hands the picture to his best friend with a smile on his face "You don't need to remember anything, I'll be fine if you keep no doubt about me being here for you and about how much I love you."

~*~

Is Fiona's birthday on February fourteen and as always she decides to have lunch out with her family so then she'll go for dinner at one of her friends' house since they always plan something for her. Of course that  _have lunch out with his family_  includes Harry being present as well.

"Are you ready Louis?" Fiona asks walking past by him on the hallway, where he's sat at the bottom of the stairs, while she's putting on her earrings.

"Yes, ages ago. You and Zoe always take so long to get ready."

"Where's your dad and Peter?" now she runs to the other direction to grab her purse and check if she has the things she'll need there, obviously ignoring Louis' comment.

"He's already taking the car out of the garage, Peter is with him and I'm just here waiting for Harry."

Fiona stops what she's doing and looks at Louis "He's really coming?!"

"Yes, why wouldn't he?"

"Right... I'm just –I'm just relief that his parents didn't change their minds about... you know, everything." She says always looking at Louis while grabbing her coat from the hanger on the wall.

"Me too." He smiles briefly and stands up, seeing that his mother is finally done and they just need to wait for Zoe to come from upstairs. He takes care of his shirt and keeps doing and undoing the second button from the top, unsure of how it looks better. Fiona smiles a bit to herself and walks towards her son, to take his hands off from the shirt to compose the collar from it, herself. "You're nervous..." Fiona laughs and Louis sighs not looking at her. "So... you're really looking forward to tell your father then."

"I don't know." He confesses "It's your birthday today, I don't think it's a good time, I don't really want to screw it."

"You won't screw anything, honey." She rests her hands above his shoulder and Louis takes it as his cue to look at her. "We talked about you coming out to your father two months ago now... there is no right time to talk about it. You make the right time."

"But, we'll be at the restaurant, Harry will be there... what if he doesn't feel comfortable with it? What if dad stops loving him?" He says sadly and drops his face to the floor again. His mother looks at him in concern and notices that he's counting the stripes from the wooden floor.

"Louis, look at me," she pulls him by his cheeks and caresses them tenderly "I know your father... both know... he's a lovely person, he won't ever stop loving you and Harry. He'll be fine with it, honestly he probably suspects it as well." She smiles "You two aren't the subtlest at containing yourselves at home." Louis smiles back, he knows his mother refers to  _home_  as Harry's home as well, because he might not live here theoretically but it's almost as if he does and sure he is part of the family for years. "You talked with Harry about it, right?" Louis nods, answering "Then it'll be fine." She kisses his forehead and after walking to the stairs to call Zoe she gives him a smile.

At the same moment Zoe is saying that she'll be ready in a minute Louis hears the front door being opened by Harry –obviously he saves their spare keys, but that's just an excuse.

"Hi." Harry appears at the door and Louis needs to take a deep breath before walking towards him. He has been doing this for a while now because when he sees Harry for the first time in a day, he looks at him, with his dimples and his curly hair always so well done, always smelling like expensive perfume –at the beginning, because at the end of the day he just smells like Louis and soap –,he thinks,  _that boy loves me and I'm so lucky to love him as well_. It just touches his heart and it breaks his bones, making him feel weak but at the same time unbreakable on the outside –on the inside he's melting.

"Hello love." Louis smiles and Harry's smile finally reaches his eyes when looks at the older boy "How are you?" He asks giving him a small kiss on his lips –he wishes it could be longer.

"I'm okay."

"You sure? Did they fight yesterday or... today?" Harry shakes his head and offers him a weak smile this time. He kisses Louis' forehead and walks towards Fiona, who is still on the first step of the stairs.

"Happy Birthday Fiona." Harry says hugging Louis' mother, who finds so much easier hugging him when being a few centimetres taller than usual. 

"Thank you! Thank you for coming, sweetheart. Feeling good?" She asks smiling at him and Harry nods again.

"Oh, good morning Zoe. You look gorgeous." Harry says then looking behind Fiona's shoulders where Louis' sister appears.

"You too Harry." She smiles at the green eyed boy, winking and Harry gets her idea, accepting her hand to help her to walk down the stairs and kisses her cheek.

"Well, I think it's enough." Louis finally speaks after watching Harry interacting with his family and being completely okay with what was happening till now. He quickly walks towards them, finally stepping out of the opened door and grabs Harry's hand in his. "You're not allowed to tell my sister she looks gorgeous neither grab her hand you dumbass."

Harry laughs with his comment and plays hard with him, to drag him out of the house, so they're still on the hall with Zoe and Fiona laughing as well.

"What if I tell your mother she looks gorgeous, instead?" Harry teases, smiling at Fiona from behind his back.

"Worst."

~*~

"Dad, your jokes suck, really..." Louis laughs nervously while Zoe just covers her face, shaking her head in embarrassment and Fiona keeps laughing at her husband.

"Well, what if I tell you that it was like this that I got your mother dead over heels for me?" Carl smirks and Harry chuckles next to Louis. Louis rolls his eyes and he notices his mother giggling but she still protests.

"That it's not true, Carl. You know Zoe, your father was a really fit lad by that time, he got abs and every girl wanted a piece of him."

"Oh mom, I don't really want to know how hot you thought dad was." Zoe groans

"What? I'm not fit anymore?" Carl says at the same time.

Apparently, Fiona ignores the two, not really attentive to what is happening around her but more to the memories passing through his mind in flashbacks "I was hard to get now that I think about it. I didn't know what girls saw on you. For me you were like a plastic bag."

"Do you ever, feel like a plastic bag...?" Louis sing songs and Harry laughs with his reference, a bit louder than what he had been laughing till now "I think you did father." Louis teases and Carl fakes mad.

"Oh but isn't my soon so funny." He says faking a laugh.

"But then you invited me to go out while singing me a song. It was so cheesy and cliché I only accepted because you fell down from the chair and humiliated yourself in front of everyone really." Fiona continues oblivious from everything

"Mom..." Zoe keeps groaning

"They're crazy." Peter whispers in Harry's ear, next to him.

"Remember that they're your family." Harry says but still agrees with the young boy.

"I bet you have better jokes to tell me," Carl continues with Louis

"Harry has." Louis steals Harry from Peter, by dragging him closer to him from his chair by his arm around his shoulder and reaching his neck.

"Don't put me between this craziness please." Harry says in difficult due Louis being almost strangling him. Meanwhile, Fiona keeps telling her daughter about how Carl and she started dating, everyone from the restaurants keeps oblivious from the mess on the table.

"I asked for your jokes, not Harry's." Carl teases

"For yours, Louis." Harry repeats, fighting for release.

"Erm, well I have one."

"I'm listening."

"Knock, knock..."

"Oh, those are so old, kid." Carl laughs and when Louis is about to protest he says "Who's there?"

"Your son."

"Your son who?"

"Is gay." He says quickly and in that same moment the whole table stops talking, looking quickly at Louis, who is with the most terrific expression. Carl is probably with the same face, looking at him with eyes wide open and Harry is choked looking at his best friend almost shocking in his own saliva.

Peter tries to look at his brother, almost with no success since Harry's tall figure is next to him, blocking the view. Zoe starts coughing and Fiona looks curiously between his husband and son.

"Well... this is a good time for one of my jokes, no?" Harry asks laughing nervously and uncomfortable with these long seconds in silence between the family. "No?" Pauses. "Okay." He looks down and his first instinct is to grab Louis' hand from under the table, intertwining their fingers tightly.

Louis doesn't even move, he is still staring back at his father as if he's someone he hasn't seen in ages, his heart keeps beating fast and if he could, he'd run away from the table and hide himself in the bathroom.

Out of sudden, Carl simple starts laughing. Laughing as if the joke Louis said was actually funny. And Louis is so confused and astonished with the moment... but above everything he feels kind of hurt, especially with the words his father says next.

"Oh Louis, this was actually brilliant," he keeps laughing, Louis feels Harry squeezing his hand under the table because he knows Louis doesn't know if his father is joking about this, if he thought that was really a joke, because he isn't saying anything coherent. "Call for the waitress please." He speaks to Fiona this time.

"Carl..." She warns him, probably confused as well but her husband only shakes his head and insists on what he asked for previously.

Louis doesn't even listens to what his father asks for when the waitress comes to their table, he only sees how they smile at each other politely and when he turns around to him that smile disappears. He knows he is talking but Louis doesn't hear anything, he keeps looking at the white towel and focusing on the way Harry is caressing the palm from his hand with his thumb.

He feels a squeeze and he gets it as Harry asking for his attention. He looks forward and sees his dad sill looking at him, probably waiting for an answer to his statement.

"Dad..." Louis whispers, voice broken and it's almost hard for Carl to listen to him. "Dad please... don't, don't stop loving me..."

"Babe... it's okay." He hears Harry whispering closer to him, calming him down.

"Is it?" Louis asks more to himself than to his best friend, sadly.

"Louis?" Louis looks at his father's confused expression "What are you saying?"

"I... I just –"

Louis stops what he is about to say when the waitress comes back, bringing what his father asked for "Oh thank you." The man says

"You –Why did you ask for champagne?"

"To celebrate of course," Louis frowns and feels Harry resting his hand on his thigh this time. He looks at his mother and she's finally smiling properly, Zoe is with that same look she gave Louis when he told her that everything worked out for him and for Harry and Peter looks too excited, almost as much as he looked when Harry gave him the present he bought him back on their holidays. "It's my beautiful wife's birthday and my older son is happy, so I have plenty of reasons to ask for the best champagne from this restaurant."

"What... you..." Louis' eyes open wide and he finally breathes properly.

"You heard it son." Carl smiles

"Oh my god dad..." Louis smiles back and gets up from the chair to go around the table to hug his father. "I thought... I was so nervous... Oh Jesus..." He chuckles and feels relieved and blessed for having such a wonderful and understanding family.

"What for? Louis... I knew it already, please I'm not as dumb as your mother describes me." He laughs and Louis joins his father, going back to sit on his chair. "I'm glad you decided to tell me anyway. I'm not going to lie... it's still weird to be sure of this," he looks at Louis and Harry at time "but I'm not going to stop loving you."

Louis can't stop the little feeling of guilt when he knows Harry is right next to him listening to what his father is telling him... Harry once told him that he wished his parents were like Louis' and that sometimes it makes him feel sad seeing how kind they're towards him. Harry just doesn't have that love. At least he thinks so...

"And Harry... You're like my second son,"

"Hey!" Peter protests crossing his arms against his chest and pouting, just really understanding this part of the conversation.

"My third son," Carl corrects himself sending a small smile to Peter "I'm also really proud of you. Don't forget, never forget, that you're part of our family... I feel like now, more than ever. You have us, all right? You have the right to be happy and we want to help on it. Not just Louis." Carl says looking directly at the green eyed boy. It's Louis' time to grab his hand, though, this time, above the table where Harry's is.

Harry smiles and drops the gaze to look down at his half empty plate "Thank you so much... I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything."

Louis looks at Harry in fond and notices the emotions he's feeling and the guilt disappears... it disappears because he knows now that Harry is sure about having a family who cares for him like his family from blood should.

"Did you two know about this?" Carl looks at his wife and daughter and they both simply nod

"It's complicated," Zoe says

"Wow, I feel like I wasn't invited for the best party of the year."

Louis laughs and shakes his head, still not able to form proper words.

"Wait," Peter interrupts "I feel like I wasn't invited too."

"But you were," Harry says now giving attention to the kid, looking down at him from his seat and patting his head.

"So what's going on? Did Louis tell his secret yet?"

"What?" Louis tries to look at his brother from his place

"He did." Harry ignores and answers the kid.

"So it's true then? You know that my brother loves you like my mother loves my dad?"

"Oh," Harry looks at Peter surprised and everyone on the table looks the same "How..."

"Yes he does." Louis appears from under Harry's shoulder, resting his chin there and smiling at his young brother. "Everyone does, actually." Louis finishes looking around the table smiling.

When he looks at Harry again, Harry is looking back at him. They both smile at each other and Louis truly sees happiness in Harry's smile, on his dimples... his eyes still look a bit sad, will still cry a lot of tears but he knows he'll make progresses –more than the ones he had done –, he knows he'll make his whole person feel happy like he deserves and like Louis wants to.

He places a kiss on Harry's forehead and gently squeezes his shoulder at the same moment Peter says, in a sigh of relief "Thank goodness because I was about to tell it myself."

 


	32. And so much more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> Little do you know by Alex and Sierra
> 
> Medicine by Daughter 
> 
> I do not love you by Ron Pope (really important if you listen to this song, you will know the moment when)

_Can I come over now?_ Louis reads Harry's message and frowns right away. He is only supposed to arrive in an hour so Louis expects the worst. He is just glad that everything is ready and he doesn't need to turn Harry down.

 _Sure, but is everything okay?_ He replies and receives the answer right away.  _Yes, just really want to see you right now._ Louis is used to this kind of answers by now but that doesn't mean it kills those butterflies on his chest every time he reads or listens to something so incredibly adorable from Harry. He likes to think that Harry is so attached to him that now every hour he spends far away from his best friend just gets harder and harder for him to breath.

 _Love you,_ Louis decides to send even knowing that right now Harry is probably crossing the street towards his front door and won't answer nor see the message.

Louis lays down on his bed, hands under his head as a pillow and looks at the ceiling for some seconds before shutting his eyes and get ready to have the love of his life next to him. It's not like he needs preparation for it, but he feels like it's such a big thing for Harry being close to him. And he feels lucky. Because he is still there, they still love each other –more and more each day –it just started to be a casual thing having the person who makes his heart race, so fast when he doesn't want it to beat at all. But he makes Louis want to live. That person who Louis doesn't expect to always be good and kind and loving because he knows there will be times when he will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand. But Louis won't leave, Louis will be there fighting to understand.

He feels a warm and welcome weight hovering above him and his eyes open right away, oblivious of the time he kept them shut thinking. He sees Harry grinning right away, his hair falling over his forehead, in front of their faces so Louis pulls them away with a simple and gentle touch, putting them behind Harry's ear.

"Hi."

"I love you." Louis answers and he doesn't need Harry to say the same, of course, especially when he starts giggling and hides his face on the crook of Louis' neck, letting his body fall over on top of Louis', so they're finally touching.

Their whole body is touching the other and wow, now –probably not just  _now_  – Louis realises that he doesn't want Harry's body touching him this way when he has the desire to have sex with him... they haven't even done it after their holidays. Just making out, which sometimes turns out with them naked on their beds in a mess of come because the other felt it was too much to handle. Or because he decided to put his hands under the other's pants and he just needed to stroke thrice because it's always  _too much._ Too much when they need and want more than the necessary. It's ironic but Louis isn't in a hurry and he hopes Harry isn't as well. As long as he can feel him close, feel him close till the point of thinking  _he is alive and he is here for me_ , it's fine.

"You're here." Harry whispers kissing Louis' neck.

"Of course..."

"You took a shower without me." Harry pouts and slightly bites Louis' skin as punishment, then looking up to face the older boy.

"Sorry, I stank." Louis places a kiss on Harry's forehead but the younger boy pulls away and frowns.

"Well, if that was ever a problem for you around me." Louis laughs but Harry tries to contain his "I thought we could take one together before dinner but apparently it won't be bath day for Harry." He says in the childish voice he can manage to do.

"Oh shut up, you only want to take showers with me to see me naked. And do things to me while I'm naked."

"Don't say that you pervert!" Harry's cheeks turn to a shade of red and he hides his face on Louis' collarbone.

Louis chuckles and grabs Harry by his waist to change places, now being on top of him while the curly boy looks flushed and startled against the mattress, looking at him. His lips are parted and as red as when Louis kisses them hard. That makes Louis bite his own and tracing his tongue through the bottom one.

"How old are you really?" he whispers only leaning down a bit. He sees Harry's Adam apple moving in his throat while he gulps in dry and feels victorious for it. Harry groans and tries to turn his face to the side not to look at Louis, still with his cheek flushed, however Louis doesn't allow him to, grabbing his chin in one hand, reaching a bit his cheeks with his fingers.

"Kiss me Lou..." Harry's tone is literally from someone who is begging and Louis can only smirks with that.

Louis shakes his head "You didn't answer me," Harry rolls his eyes and Louis squeezes his chin "don't roll your eyes to me baby."

"Apparently you're treating me as if I was ten."

"Oh no... No, if you were ten I couldn't do this." Louis says in a low tone and leans over to press a kiss on Harry's lips "Neither this," he traces his tongue through Harry's lips and takes his bottom one between his teeth kissing them one more time "Much less this." He finishes rocking his hips, his crotch brushing Harry's while passing his hands on his chest.

He watches how Harry takes his own lip between his teeth and shuts his eyes tightly. Louis doesn't mind about it when kisses him once again making the boy moan between them.

"So how old are you Harry?"

"Eight –Eighteen." He says gasping when Louis' hips move in circles instead of back and forth this time. Louis chuckles and kisses his cheek before stopping his movements and resting his head on top of Harry's chest "All this shit was for me to tell you how old I am, even though you know it pretty well already?"

"Are you cursing?" Louis fakes shocked raising his head "I'll have to punish you."

"As you said... I'm not ten, so I'm not a child." He winks

"Bastard."

"No you are the bastard. Letting me go downstairs with a boner in my pants."

"Your problem, not mine." Louis shrugs and Harry sighs when Louis rocks his hips once again before rolling out from his lap.

When Harry is about to protest –not really about the whole subject but more because now he has no contact with the blue eyed boy –there's a knock at the door. Louis lets the person in and Zoe appears.

"Mom is calling, she needs help in the kitchen." She says, raising her eyebrows but still smiling when sees Harry spread out across the bed with Louis sat next to him

"Sure, we're going." Louis says getting up and when she disappears Harry groans again in the bed. "C'mon lazy arse."

"Yeah... Lazy..." he huffs getting up as well and walking with difficulty towards the door. Louis laughs and slaps his ass, which is just another reason why Harry wants to slap him in the face.

~*~

"So have you guys thought about what you're going to do after graduation?" Carl asks while Fiona and Zoe take the dishes back to the kitchen to bring fruit for the dessert, with Peter's help.

Fiona looks at her husband when he brings up the subject but doesn't comment anything out loud.

"We talked about it once, didn't we Harry?" Louis looks at the younger boy.

"Erm, yeah." Harry looks at Carl, answering Louis.

"You're a month away from it, we need to start thinking about it." Carl continues "You're going to stay together?"

"Of course." Louis says right away. The truth is they haven't spoken about it since that night on their holidays and it all seemed a good plan. It is a good plan and Louis still wants to follow it, he knows they'll make it because Harry promised, they promised each other. He is just scared... it seems so close to them, Louis can almost see him and Harry in London, studying and with a flat to themselves. Far away, just the two of them and that's perfect, they'll still be together... but it seems harder in real life than in his thoughts.

"That's not how it works Louis." Carl says and Louis feels his heart pounding on his chest. He frowns at his father, this is what he is scared of "You two need to think about this really well. Talk to us as well and... to your parents Harry." He looks briefly at the boy before turning to his son.

"It needs to be our choice dad, we don't need permission for this, we're adults now."

"Don't be childish then, this is your future we're talking about. You two need to know what you'll study, where you want to go, what is the best for you two. We need to discuss it seriously and –"

"We will find a flat in London. I'm going for theatre and Harry is torn between photography, psychology or journalism. But he'll find out till there, you have nothing to do with this." Louis feels Harry getting tenser next to him, still not saying anything but he only intertwines their hands under the table, to calm the young boy down.

"What if you don't go to the university you want to? To stay together? Where will you find the money? We're going to pay for it Louis so we automatically need to be conscious about your decision. Harry has his parents as well and you know they aren't the friendliest, do you think they'll allow this?" Harry squeezes Louis' hand and keeps looking down biting his bottom lip.

"Don't you dare to talk about them as if Harry wasn't here." Louis says a bit louder than his father is speaking

"Don't you dare to speak to me that way then." Harry flinches with Carl's louder tone and Louis doesn't think about answering his father, he only looks at the side to see Harry nearly in tears.

"What is going on here?" Fiona appears

"Your son can't have an adult's conversation because he can't think like one." Louis looks mad at his father, gripping the side of his chair with the hand that isn't still intertwined with Harry's.

"Harry, sweetheart, are you okay?" Fiona crouches next to Harry's seat, ignoring Carl's comment and puts her hand behind his back. Harry nods and Louis hears him whispering a weak _yeah._ "There's no need to have a fight about this subject. This can't be talked about with cold heads. Besides Carl, he is your soon too."

Louis' father sighs and supports his elbows on the table while passing his hands through his face "We were talking normally –"

"Till you talked about Harry's parents," Louis interrupts

"Carl!" Fiona looks at his husband, hurt.

"I wasn't –"

"It's okay," Harry speaks, head up this time and trying his best to offer them a small smile "let's just please skip this subject now... I'm sorry just... don't fight okay?"

Carl sighs one more time and nods, maybe regretting a bit the way things went, making this to Harry. Louis holds his hand tighter, brushing his thumb in circles in his palm. Fiona looks at the gesture attentively but keeps squeezing Harry's shoulder with his hand.

"Mom? Can we go now?" Louis asks softly this time looking at his mother. Harry is between them and Louis just wants him to himself now since he knows he's thinking too much. Louis doesn't like when he does it, especially when he doesn't know what he is thinking about.

Fiona nods and gives him an apologetic look. Carl doesn't dare to say a thing so Louis stands up and keeps grabbing Harry's hand to help him to stand up as well and walk towards the front door.

"Where are we going?" Harry asks, voice a bit stronger from previously. Or it's because he is trying to keep being brave and forget everything or it's because now he is only with Louis and is calming down.

"You will see." Louis smiles at him while shutting the door behind them and leads his best friend through the sidewalk, still with hands locked like they used to do when they were kids. "Are you okay? I'm sorry for that, I feel so –"

"Forget it Louis. It's fine." Harry looks at him and he doesn't look nor sound like the boy that was nearly crying back there at the dining table.

"Stop doing it." Louis sighs, looking down at the sidewalk, neither of them dares to stop walking.

"Doing what?"

"That. As if being hurt is fine. Like you're so used to that, that it started to be okay feeling it. It's not okay Harry and I always say it to you. It's all right to cry, because I'm here to wipe your tears and keep the bad thoughts away but it's not all right feeling like shit and saying the otherwise because unfortunately, I can't read your mind yet... at least not your whole mind. I hate knowing you're lying to me and that I can't help you because you're pushing me away. You don't push me away anymore, Harry. You did it before, you did it when you were younger... but now you don't. Now you don't do it."

Louis is forced to stop when Harry grabs his hand tighter and stops in the middle of the way. He takes Louis' cheeks in both of his hands and joins their foreheads together in a rush.

"Okay." He breathes out and Louis is a bit startled but anything stops him to feel the usual squeeze on his belly and the relief when sees Harry's more relax expression. "I'm gonna kiss you now." Harry says and Louis doesn't need to agree on that –it's not even something for him to begin with, it's only just a statement – because Harry is joining their lips before he can nod even.

The kiss is slow, sweet and with no rush. It's like a goodbye, good morning, I love you, I want you in my life kiss should be. And the way Harry caresses Louis' cheekbones while moving in perfect synchronisation with him, and the way Louis rests his hands on his waits to pull him closer tells that they've done this many times before but they're still excited for it as if it is the first one.

When they pull away Louis smiles at Harry and kisses his cheek before saying a  _much better_  and tangling their fingers together again to keep walking.

They don't speak, there's anything else to say now anyway –at least it's not the moment to say it –but they don't really need to. It's a quite warm night, there's just that kind of silence with soft and quiet ambient sounds from the street on the background. The sky brings nostalgia because it isn't covered with a blanket of stars and half of the moon is hidden between the clouds that spring offers them. But it's just the right time of the year, right hour to take this familiar walk and maybe that's why Harry doesn't find the urge to speak asking where they are going again.

When they reach the small garden, the oh so familiar garden where they've got so many memories, Harry needs to stop and Louis is sure it's to be able to breathe properly.

"Lou... what did you do?" Harry asks not taking his eyes away from the tree they usually sit under when they come around. His eyes are glowing with the lights from the candles Louis had put above the big blanket –he knows they won't last much longer though, even if they're average size.

"Just a little thing..."

"Bu –But why?"

"Because I wanted to."

"But you aren't even into –"

"Just come on." Louis interrupts him a bit too excited and his hands might be sweating by now and he is shaking a bit, but still pushes Harry with him to walk towards the tree and sit under it.

Harry chuckles with Louis' expression and the way he can't keep still sat on the blanket –they're living the risk to set everything on fire really – but can't hide his frown from the confusion he is feeling right now as well.

"Why are you like... jumping?"

"Because this is awkward." Louis says and it really is. Even his expression is, they're sitting Indian style, side by side under a tree, with candles around them and Louis isn't the most romantic person, especially in this kind of things so "I don't know what to do..."

"Erm... Me neither," Harry raises his eyebrow 

"Right." Louis says "Oh." He says slower "Right." it hits him why he did all of this "This is really stupid."

"Yes it is."

"I don't even do things like this one."

"I know you don't."

"I can't dance."

"You... Don't...?"

"I don't even go to proms." Louis continues oblivious of being thinking out loud and Harry being answering him rather confused.

"You... What?"

"I –" Louis looks up at Harry and his mouth falls open "Shit no. Wait." He raises a finger already panicking "This is not how I pictured this."

"Louis..."

"Shut up. No. Forget. I have to ask this properly. Do you wanna go to prom with me?"

"Louis..." Harry says louder opening his eyes widely and Louis needs to face palm himself because he is rambling and not saying these things like he wants to.

"NO" He almost screams "Forget again," he turns around "I need the flower." He turns to Harry for a second time and hands him the red rose he had besides him, his hands are shaking and he has the stupidest expression on his face ever. "Will you?"

"Lo –"

"Will you go to prom with me?" Louis shuts his eyes tightly and there's silence. "I fucked up. I can't believe this." He chuckles and lets the rose fall over his lap, shaking his head and taking his hands towards his hair "Oh my god, I'm the worst person ever."

"Yes."

"Thanks for agreeing with me, I love your support."

"No. Yes, I will Louis."

Louis raises his head and looks at the boy grinning at him. "You..."

"Did you even doubt it?"

"No... I mean, after this catastrophe yes. I'm such a disaster, I had everything planned in my mind and I just made shit."

"Like always."

"Yes, like always."

"That's why I love you. Even these kind of things you have to do it in Louis' style." Harry chuckles but gets closer to Louis who is still mocking himself under his breathe and looking down, picking the grass from the ground with his fingers.

"More like messed up style." Louis whispers sadly. The moment he is ready to start hating himself he feels Harry placing his hand above the one he is using to pull out the grass.

"Hey," he makes Louis looking at him by his chin "didn't you hear me? I love you Louis and I'll go with you." He offers Louis a small smile "Now I reckon that this belongs to me." he takes the rose from Louis' lap to look at it better and then turns to Louis one more time "It's not the grass' fault that you can't be romantic."

"Oh but don't you help me –" Harry crashes their lips together and it's hungrier and sloppier than before. He puts the rose next to them and grabs Louis by the back of his neck, moving his head to the right and to the left, focusing on the way their lips move together "Hmm, I love when you shut me up like this." Louis grins and Harry rolls his eyes. "Your kissing technic has improved a lot the past months." Louis keeps glaring at Harry's plump lips, drawing his lips with his thumb and biting his own admiring it. "Better if you kiss me again because I might start rambling one more time about the previous disaster and –" and he doesn't need to finish it... because after rolling his eyes for the second time, Harry is kissing Louis' thinner lips as if he hasn't done it seconds ago.

And it's actually amazing how he is always craving for it, Louis feels it, the way he kisses him so passionately always wanting more than what Louis can actually give him. Louis wished he could give him everything, but he gives him enough, which Harry is still so pleased about.

He carefully places his hand on Louis' waist and the one that was previous on the back of his neck, goes a little bit upper, caressing his hair. Harry lets his body go lighter and even closer to Louis and the older boy understands him and let's himself fall backward, with the minimal care with the candles, taking Harry with him, so he's on top.

Harry keeps kissing him and Louis lets him lead it, even if he is the one usually in command. He opens his mouth so Harry can taste him with his tongue and then he sucks Louis' bottom lip. And Louis falls more in love without noticing because Harry keeps with his usual gentle touches on Louis' waist and caressing his brown locks of hair and it's all still so soft apart from the wild and wet kiss.

Harry pulls a little away, breathless and they're literally with lack of air on their lungs due the long snog but Louis couldn't care less about dying right now because he is so happy and so, so in love.

He rests his forehead against Louis' and keeps his eyes shut, breathing heavily above the blue eyed boy's lips. "I can't believe I'm going to take you to prom." Louis smiles and makes sure to keep his eyes open to admire his boy on top of him. He travels with his hand from Harry's strong back to his fringe, brushing the hair to the back of his ear.

"I can't believe you invited me."

"Of course I invited you."

"I just feel relieved that I didn't need to invite you myself." He chuckles

"You were going to invite me?" Louis smiles in fond and doesn't mind Harry's weight pressed against his body, since he is not holding himself above Louis'.

"Of course. But it'd go worse than it actually went with you." Harry laughs and finally opens his eyes allowing green to meet blue.

"You think?"

"I'm sure." Harry whispers back and they keep looking at each other smiling and maybe they kiss again for more time until Harry decides to roll out from Louis' body, to lay down next to him. Head on Louis' shoulder, his hand on his chest and Louis is holding him by his waist.

"Harry?" Louis says after just being relaxing looking up at the tree and the spaces between the branches that show the dark sky, while playing with Harry's curls. He knows the younger boy has been shutting and opening his eyes looking at him.

"Louis?"

"Do you still want to go to London with me? Like... Like we talked about before?" Louis asks and there's silence between them for some seconds and Louis doesn't dare to look down at Harry "I mean, we can change plans if you prefer. But my father is right, we need to talk about uni and stuff... But I hope you still want me in your life." He sighs, shutting his eyes for a moment.

"Let's run away" Harry says instead, kissing Louis' collarbone and hiding his face on the crook of his neck.

"Harry..."

"I want you in my life Louis. Of course I do. I always wanted, I will always want." He hugs Louis tightly "Never doubt that."

"Oh baby..." Louis kisses the top of his head. "I don't. I won't, never."

"Promise."

"I promise. I promise, I love you."

~*~

The big day arrives quickly. Quicker than expected. Fiona was so proud of Louis after he told her that the exams went pretty well and he is really confident with it, she congratulated him but hugged Harry and thanked him for his help. Of course.

The past month Harry hasn't called Louis because his parents had fight. He never once called about it, instead he only called at the middle of the night, each one in their houses and beds, saying again that he missed Louis and wanted to fall asleep next to him.

Louis was definitely okay with it and even more with the double of kindness and soft gestures Harry offered him.

It's the day of the prom and last night was probably the only one Louis and Harry didn't spend together this month. Harry didn't call, he didn't even see him the previous day, Louis didn't get worried because he went shopping with his mother and she said that Harry couldn't come with them because she was probably seeing this prom thing as their wedding day.

He also didn't see him through the day because they were getting ready and of course Fiona took Louis to a salon to get a new haircut. He ends up with a new quiff, shorter and with Zoe's laughter on the background.

"I seriously am hating you a lot right now."

"It wasn't me who said to cut your hair that way." Zoe laughs while helping him with the jacket of his suit. Louis is hating this day, he got a haircut that his sister doesn't stop laughing at, it's hot outside and he is wearing a suit, which is pretty uncomfortable and he hasn't seen Harry in over 24 hours.

"He's gonna hate it." He sighs looking at the wall from his room. Zoe puts the fake flower on the small pocket of his dark blue jacket and then makes Louis look at her.

"You look really handsome, Louis. I am just laughing because you've been keeping a frown since we walked out of that hair salon. Don't worry he will love it, I mean... we are talking about Harry, who says you look beautiful with messy hair, sleep in your eyes and baggy clothes." She smiles at him and he tries to contain his own by rolling his eyes.

"Go away, you're not my sister."

"You're right, I'm the only natural blonde in the family so probably."

"Yeah, I think mom only dyed her hair blonde not to make you feel bad about it." Louis says seriously but Zoe laughs, shaking her head

"It's almost half past eight, so be ready to get downstairs, Harry is probably arriving."

"Do you really think he is going to be here on time?" Louis jokes.

"No." She laughs and gets out of the room, shutting the door behind.

Louis takes deep breathes. He doesn't see the prom as something really important to him but that doesn't mean he shouldn't make it special. He is going with Harry god dammit.

He looks at the picture he has with Harry on his nightstand. It's from their first Christmas together, when Harry gave Louis Daisy. He remembers listening to his father talking and Harry looking at Carl. He didn't even realise it was to take a picture because in that moment Louis was slowly falling in love without realising. So he took that moment to look at Harry's profile and think. Think about how Harry can make him feel that way and if it's even possible... or real.

He likes to have the best memories printed on him, printed on his heart and printed on his hands. He only wants that. The best and only the good with Harry.

He doesn't really know how long he stays sat on the edge of his bed thinking about those good memories he has made with Harry, looking at the pictures he has with the boy and imagining the many and many ones that will come.

Like when they get their first house together, how Louis will wake up every morning at their own place where they can call home and Harry will be always happy because he'll be always around Louis. How they'll raise their own family, how long their walks in the evening will be, how they will always join after work to drink tea or eat ice cream as if they were kids again. He can simply make his whole future in his mind that everything he pictures will be with Harry next to him.

He walks downstairs when starts hearing too much noise and voices and he sure feels like collapsing when sees Harry in the middle of the hall chatting with his family. With their family.

"Doesn't he look gorgeous, Louis?" Fiona says looking at Louis but he doesn't really listen, he doesn't even look at her.

He instantly walks towards Harry with a grin on his lips that soon is forced to disappear when kisses the younger boy right there. He just keeps their lips together, holding him by his neck while Harry, by instinct, holds him by his hips and it's their way to say  _hello,_ just having some more contact.

"You look so beautiful." Louis whispers so just the two of them can hear it, as if it was a secret, with their lips barely touching. His eyes are shut but Louis is still picturing Harry with that wonderful black suit and black shirt suiting his body perfectly. And he looks so mature, so grown up that Louis almost feels like a proud mother because he saw this boy growing up in front of his eyes. He grew up with him.

"Let's take a picture boys." Fiona interrupts the moment carefully and everyone can feel her excitement from her voice.

The two boys pull away before sharing a smile and Harry kissing Louis' forehead, complimenting his new hair cut –of course Louis blushes – and Fiona makes signal for them to get closer. She doesn't really need to tell them that –she knows she doesn't –because Harry is pulling Louis more to his side, with his arm around his waist and Louis places his behind Harry's back and rests his head upon his shoulder.

Fiona snaps a couple of pictures and then Zoe appears between the two boys, smiling widely while Louis looks at her in debrief while Harry just laughs at her. They are supposed to leave in five minutes but Louis knows they won't be ready by that time –he doesn't feel any hurry this time though.

They take a picture of Harry hugging Zoe while Louis just looks at them with his arms crossed against his chest and then another one of Harry pulling both under his arms and smiling, the biggest he can. Then, of course Peter wants to be included and gets on Harry's back to take more dozens of pictures.

Louis rolls his eyes already at the door when sees Harry petting Daisy and hugging her against his chest, kissing her head and whispering words as if she'd understand him. He sees him hugging Fiona and thanking her millions of times, hugging Zoe once again –and really, Louis is getting annoyed –, he returns to Peter to hug him tighter than the normal and they talk for some seconds, words that no one can really listen to. Louis sighs in relief but then sees Harry going to hug Carl and seriously couldn't he take longer? 

"Harry, if the house was burning would you say goodbye to all the furniture as well? Just to take more time?" Louis protests sighing loudly.

"Sorry, sorry." Harry runs towards Louis, gives one more glance at the family before Louis shuts the door.

"Jesus Harry, you're so sentimental today towards my family." Louis jokes while opening the car's door from the driver seat. He notices the lights from Harry's house on and he actually feels some type of way with the fact that Harry's parents actually allowed him to go out.

"It's because today is a special day." He chuckles a bit hugging Louis from behind, not letting him climb the car "But I'm not only with your family, I'm also with you." He kisses Louis behind his ear "Mostly with you." He whispers and kisses his cheek this time.

Louis smiles but quickly composes himself "Okay, okay cheeky bastard, let's go because we're running late."

"But no one is running after us tonight, Louis. It's just the two of us. Let's not think about anything else."

~*~

When they arrive at the big gym from their high school, which is being used as auditorium for the party, probably everyone that is supposed to be there is already dancing or chatting with their friends or dates. Of course Harry wanted to stop by some place to eat something because  _I won't like the food there,_ he said.

They walk around for a bit and then see their classmates, who they chat for a bit –more like Louis chats with them while Harry listens attentively to them talking about what they're going to do after this, with a smile on his lips and nodding. Even though, Harry talks for a while with Jennifer, the girl he used to speak more than two words per day with, while Louis brings them their drinks and then talks with the members of the football team from their class.

The night goes on like that and Louis doesn't really care if they're most of the time sat on their table, talking and just sharing small and caring gestures because that's how they are. And it's already different the fact that they aren't spending time alone, at their houses, or at their usual quiet coffee shop or even at their park. They're surrounded by people, who once in a while notice their existence, which is actually healthy for them. Because they might just be focusing in one another but they're focusing in one another while people are around and can interrupt them.

Around half past eleven, nearly midnight, after the announcement of the prom queen and king, some people are gone, others are sitting like them chatting and the majority of the students are dancing.

Harry is playing with Louis' bracelet, the one they have matching and they're just enjoying the calm music and not speaking a word. Harry takes Louis' hand in his and brings the inside of Louis' wrist to his lips, kissing the skin softly. Louis looks at him in awe and then Harry moves to kiss each Louis' knuckles.

When another song starts playing Harry says "Dance with me this one."

"I can't dance, baby."

"I know... But it's just –just to be closer. For a bit more." Harry says loud enough for Louis to be able to hear.

He sees couples going to the middle of the dance floor and then he sees Harry's green eyes looking at him in hope.

_I do not love you for the way you kiss_

The song starts and Louis nods, standing up with Harry, their hands still locked and he lets himself be led by the younger boy between the people.

_Though your lips, they can put me at ease_

Louis rests his head against Harry's shoulder, while the taller boy wraps his arms around his smaller body. They don't really dance they keep balancing their body while their eyes are shut and they feel warm.

_And I do not love you for your sweet green eyes_

_Though I love when they're looking at me_

Louis chuckles a bit when listens to the lyrics and then whispers "I do, I do love." As if answering to the song. Harry only squeezes his waits gently.

_And I do not love you for the way your hands_

_Can touch me and quiet my soul_

_I love you for all of this and so much more_

"I love you." Harry whispers this time and Louis can only think about the times they held each other and everything went quiet and pacific.

_I do not love you for the way you dress_

_Though you do look so lovely tonight_

"You look more than lovely, for the record." Louis jokes, a bit too serious and Harry laughs resting his head on top of Louis'.

_And I do not love you for the things you know_

_Though I've always admired your mind_

_And I do not love you for the way I feel_

_That first moment you walked through the door_

_I love you for all of this and so much more_

"Can I call you my boyfriend?" Louis asks "I want you to be more than my best friend."

"Okay." Harry says and his voice sounds so emotional, so husky and weak but it just fits the moment so well that it is as if Louis can listen to all his feelings through it. "We can be boyfriends for a little bit, yes." He finishes and Louis chuckles, raising his head and meeting Harry's lips for a brief moment.  

_And all I know is you're the part of me_

_That keeps me strong_

_And what I want is for us to face forever_

_Standing up together_

_Eyes turned towards the heavens, arm in arm_

"This song is killing me." Harry confesses and Louis nods in agreement.

"It's just so..."

"So us." Harry completes Louis. They look at each other again and Louis smiles kissing his boyfriend once again.  

_I do not love you for the way my heart_

_Seems to live somewhere inside your chest_

_And I do not love you for the way your arms_

_They can hold me until I forget_

_And I do not love you for the way you've been_

_Exactly what I'm looking for_

_I love you for all of this and so much more_

"I need you." Harry whispers in Louis' ear, not stopping balancing their bodies together "I want you tonight Louis. I want to feel you."

_I love you for all of this and so much more_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually emotional in this chapter, I nearly cried here and i'm not the type of doing it on my own fics because ew .but really, i hope you enjoyed this chapter and school starts Monday *cries* which means less time to write, so idk if i'll keep updating twice a week because i want to focus on school yknow. but i'll try to update this sunday and we will see then.


	33. Messy Sheets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist: 
> 
> Red cover by tyler ward 
> 
> Losing your memoryby by ryan star
> 
> James Bay - Let It Go
> 
> Unsteady x ambassador 
> 
> Without a word by birdy
> 
> I'm award this is probably the weirdest smut you will ever read but i wanted to make it this way and you'll understand why (but i still suck at it so not really an excuse)

Louis could have planned to take Harry after prom to a hotel like most of the guys did with their girlfriends. They could have gotten drunk like half of the students did on the sly. They could have stayed in the party till it finished and then go to one of his classmates' house, commemorate, when they invited them. But they didn't, because that is just not them. And Harry likes silence and time alone with Louis, likes to have their familiar and comfy space and just feel like home. Louis knows that, Louis learnt to like it and god if he likes...

He loves it because he is close to Harry. He has Harry. And honestly, Harry has Louis as well. It's all mutual and the feelings are the same and they're in tune with everything. And that's how people know they love someone. When they can't experience anything without wishing the other person is there to see it too.

Louis tried to keep himself stable while driving but it was kind of impossible because he somehow was nervous and had a nervous Harry next to him on the passenger seat, looking through the window, not saying a word because the last ones were  _I need you. I want you tonight Louis. I want to feel you._ And they had an interesting conversation while dancing –it wasn't really dancing –that just made Louis sure that yes he wants this boy next to him his whole life and yes he'd live and die for him.

And now he is leaned against the locked door from his room and Harry is just three steps away from him and he is so far away... so far, but Louis can't take his eyes off of him. His jacket is forgotten downstairs, the sleeves from his shirt are rolled up until his elbows, his curls are wild and his eyes glassy, matching with his wet and plump lips. So beautiful, Harry is so beautiful that Louis is unsure if these past years are a dream because Harry is impossible to be real. What they have seems impossible to be real.

Louis wets his own lips and clears his throat before speaking "So... What –What are we... erm..." he is a disaster.

But Louis can take a deep breath, since he doesn't have coherent words to speak, when sees Harry walking towards him, shutting him up because he clearly doesn't have time to listen to Louis rambling. So he kisses him, pressing him against that door, cupping Louis' cheeks with his huge hands, bringing Louis head up and leaning his back down a bit so they can reach each other's lips easily.

It's so hungry, the kiss is so hungry as if they were craving for it for years now and Harry can't handle being apart from Louis any longer.

He moves his head furiously and the kiss is so good and passionate that Louis needs to run his hands up and down Harry's beautiful torso, looking for something he won't find but doesn't really need because Harry is there.

He opens his mouth and bites Harry's bottom lip to make him open as well so he can taste him. Their tongues move lovely with each other and Louis always loved how Harry is always warm and always taste a bit like mint.

He feels Harry's hands behind his thighs and he grabs him to interlace them around his waist, lifting Louis up from the floor and pressing even harder his back against the door, making a small noise. Though, they don't pull apart, it's too late for that, they're too desperate and in need, so Louis grabs Harry's hair from the back of his hair, gripping it tightly and has his other arm around his neck to support himself.

They hum in pleasure and maybe that hum means  _it's so good be close to you,_ but they don't speak up anything.

Louis feels Harry's hardness rubbing in his own and  _f*ck, f*cking hell_ it feels good. He's panting between their kiss and Harry's hot breathe is meeting with his own, lips so wet and swollen by how hard they're kissing but it's all so intimate and  _amazing_. Everything is blurry except from Harry, anything else exists besides that moment, besides them.

"Take me –Take me to bed..." Louis breathes out, drawing Harry's lips with his thumb and kissing him at the same time because why the f*ck not. He is just so perfect in Louis' blue eyes that he needs to make sure he sees and touches every piece of Harry in detail.

Louis holds himself with his legs around Harry and the younger boy places his hand on his back, to carry him to bed. Always, but always kissing each other wildly, showing all their feelings without speaking.

Harry gently lays Louis down on his bed, making sure Louis' head is rested on the pillow. He spreads his legs in each sides of Louis' strong thighs and keeps his body leaned over to kiss the older boy on his lips. Then he goes down placing soft kisses and bites through his jaw line while unbuttoning Louis' shirt and taking it off. Louis rests his hands on his waits, keeping him still and enjoying the touch of Harry marking him. When Louis' neck, collarbones and chest are all exposed to the green eyed boy, he kisses the bare skin, caressing Louis' belly with his hands.

Louis encourages the boy with it by gripping his curls on his fists and biting his bottom lip till it turns white. "Take my shirt off please." Louis finds funny the way Harry says it so gently and doesn't even demand it, because it's like he is testing Louis, to make sure that this is all okay.

Of course Louis does it, unbuttoning Harry's black shirt, not as gently as he did with him, but still carefully. He slides it down Harry's arms, to take it off as well and it's so beautiful to see his body slowly being exposed to Louis. 

Harry sits up above Louis' crotch, back straight, only to give that whole view to Louis. And Louis actually takes the opportunity to just stare. His hands feeling Harry's skin, he passes them over and over his chest, his shoulders, his nipples, his cute half flat belly...

"How can you be so beautiful?" Louis asks, more to himself than to Harry, though he hears it and there's nothing he can say so he just giggles. And oh, they're there, those cute and deep dimples that Louis finds the urge to poke every time he sees them. "I love you."

"I love you too." Harry smiles, his hands on top of Louis' bare chest "I love you so much." He takes his hands up to Louis' neck and then his cheeks, barely touching, just to feel a little. Louis rests his own above Harry's and smiles back at him, leaning at the touch.

Harry gently kisses Louis one more time and goes down to take his pants off. Louis helps him, which ends up being a mess of their hands with the belt and the zip, making them laugh with their lips brushing. Harry can't take his eyes off from Louis so he doesn't even look down to see if he's doing things correctly.

"I wanna try something," Harry whispers "Take your pants off for me, yeah?" Louis nods, he trusts Harry so hard that the younger boy could tell him to lay down in the middle of the road and stay still that he would.

Harry gets out from Louis' lap and both undress themselves. Louis isn't subtle, no, so when he sees Harry taking his jeans and briefs off he gulps looking at Harry's half hard member exposed to him. Harry was always big for his age, which was always intimidated for Louis along the years. However, Louis can't find himself uncomfortable with being naked next to Harry now, knowing he is smaller than him.

"You good?" Harry asks noticing Louis staring at him, with his hands at the beginning of his boxers, now without pants, paralysed.

"Very." Louis answers softly offering him a smile. He finally takes off his boxers and Harry follows every movement with his green eyes.

When they're both naked in bed Harry doesn't waste time to crawl back on top of Louis. He makes the blue eyed boy lay down again by his hands on his chest, to be on the same position as previously, legs stretched down and head on the pillow. Louis shuts his eyes and bites his lip to keep his sounds to himself when feels Harry's bum rubbing his c*ck while sitting on his belly.

"Are you okay, Louis?" Harry asks again, this time chuckling, watching Louis' eyes pressed together tightly.

"F*ck," he breathes out and opens them to see Harry's face too close from him. Harry keeps his hands on Louis' shoulders and Louis knows he can't touch him or he won't control himself. "I just can't... I can't feel you touching me it's so... overwhelming Harry." Louis confesses looking at him in the eyes, voice barely shaking.

"So you don't want me to touch you...?" Harry asks, obviously amused.

"No," Louis holds Harry by his upper arm "No, I want to. I want it so badly Harry. Especially when you're naked. God... you're naked..." the younger boy blushes noticing the way Louis is looking at his body "It's just too much for me because you make me feel all the type of ways. Good types of way. And you're mine and I'm yours and I love you and you love me and you're everything and..." he sighs "Oh my god, I'm just rambling and it's weird."

Harry smiles and takes Louis' hands in his, interlacing their fingers and while he leans over he takes them above Louis' head. "Yeah, it's weird, but a good weird. I love when you talk to me that way," he chuckles "telling me how I make you feel." He kisses Louis' thin lips, leaving a sound coming from his throat when his member brushes Louis' belly.

Louis hums in protest when Harry pulls away, but the curly haired boy smirks but leans over to reach the nightstand, opening the drawer to take from there their lube –not knowing really well how it ended up being  _their_. He goes back to his position, this time kneeling on the mattress, so Louis doesn't feel his bum on his belly. Louis looks at the way Harry's c*ck is so close to his face, right above him but none of them make any further movement.

Harry takes Louis' right hand to his own waist and squeezes them together, telling Louis to keep it there. Then he spreads the lube in his left one, making Louis feel the cold in his index and middle finger. He does it so gently as if he was massaging every single bone of Louis. He holds his hand again, not caring about the mess they might make and leads Louis' hand to the bottom of his spine.

"I want to ride you." Harry starts and keeps their hands still on his back "So hum... can you... op-open me for you?"

Louis smiles again full of fond –which he could never imagine having by Harry's choice of words –and nods because hell, Louis wants to make love to Harry tonight. Tonight and tomorrow and for the whole week, for the whole month, forever if possible. Because that just means that he can be close to him, can feel him, can be intimate with him... it means that they trust each other because this is such a huge responsibility. Harry is Louis' first and he wants him to be his last, as well as the otherwise. Louis is sure and he doesn't need to be with other people to prove it, to gain experience, to just live life... and he knows Harry feels the same.

Harry gulps and leads Louis' finger to his crack this time, always looking at him in the eyes. When he lets Louis go, Louis decides to tease him a bit. He slides his finger through Harry's crack and plays with his entrance in circles. Harry shivers on top but let's himself be held by his knees.

When Louis pushes half of his finger in, Harry let's a surprised sound coming out from his parted lips, but shuts his mouth right away, biting his bottom lip till it turns white.

Louis smirks and takes his finger out of Harry to push it in slowly again, this time all the way inside. Harry's body almost falls on top of him, by the way it moves a bit forward but he holds himself in time.

Louis starts pulling his finger in and out slowly and then moves his finger as if saying  _come here_ , making Harry moan quietly leading his hand towards his mouth so he doesn't make noise. Louis keeps doing those movements and trying to go deeper and deeper each time, knowing that by this time it doesn't hurt Harry as much as the first ones.

Harry hums in pleasure, shutting his eyes and sliding his hand down through his torso to grab his own member. Louis can't stop looking, even if he also keeps focusing on his fingers, he  _needs_  to observe the way Harry touches himself and rocks a bit his hips to meet his own and Louis' movements.

He adds his other finger with lube and squeezes Harry's thigh with his available hand.

"Look at you so perfect, so beautiful touching yourself for me." Louis breathes out while Harry keeps stroking his length, teasing himself with his fingers in the head and going all the way slowly. "You're so good at this... you take my fingers so well." Harry drops his head back in pleasure, stroking faster and rubbing his head more precisely, his chest goes up and down fast by breathing so heavily and his lip is almost bleeding from biting it to contain his sounds. "Baby look at me." Louis says and drops his available hand from Harry's thighs and moves it to his own c*ck, which is laying down on his belly by how hard it is.

"Look... Look at me... you're so beautiful like this." Louis gasps and Harry drops his head to look properly at his boyfriend. His lips are red and full, he's stroking his length faster and his eyes glassy. Louis strokes his own member slowly and clumsily, focusing more on the way his two fingers slide in and out from Harry, deeper and faster. "I love that you trust me this much,  _oh_  –you feel so wet..." Harry rocks his hips to help Louis to hit his spot easily, keeping his hand on his member and letting out small  _hums_  "and I trust you –I want you all the time and now,  _f*ck_ , I can't wait to make love to you." Louis doesn't control himself and starts stroking his hard member faster, looking at how turned on Harry is "I wanted you to come all over my face..."

" _Ah, Louis_." Harry moans loudly and Louis takes his hand to cover Harry's mouth, shushing him.

" _Shh_ , baby, we need to be quiet, please."

Harry nods, still with Louis' hand above his parted lips. His fringe is in front of his forehead, almost in his eyes and Louis would push those locks of hair away if he didn't find it so beautiful right now.

Harry tries to speak something but at the moment Louis is allowing him to, he is taking Louis' finger out of himself –letting out a small whine by how empty he feels –and quickly takes Louis' member in his hand to lead it to his hole.

Louis can't even say anything, because Harry is going all the way down, till he is sat on Louis with his whole member inside of him. Harry whimpers with the bit of the burn he feels and cleans the few tears from his eyes with the back of his hands, while Louis gasps with the sudden contact.

"Harry you need to take it easy." Louis says, eyes shut and trying to control his breathe.

Harry clearly doesn't care about what he is saying. He takes Louis by his shoulders and pushes him up, so he's in a sitting position as well and they're almost chest to chest. Harry wraps his arms around Louis' neck and presses their lips together in a rush as if that is the only way to handle the pain and tears.

Louis instantly wraps his arms around Harry's waist and makes an effort to keep his legs stretched so Harry can be more comfortably sitting down on his crotch.

He opens his mouth letting Harry taking control over the kiss and makes sure to take his hand up and down Harry's bare back

"Love, are you okay?" Harry nods at Louis' question, still with their lips brushing.

Louis holds him for a moment, both not daring to make a move while Harry tries to get used to Louis inside of him.

Untill Harry says "I'm going to move now," he kisses Louis' shoulder and holds himself by his knees to move up from Louis' lap and then down. Louis rests his hands on his hips now, helping him. "I'm good," he smiles before Louis can ask him again.

He rocks his hips slowly at first so just half of Louis' length is out, to get used to it, with his hands on Louis' shoulders to be easier. The older boy keeps helping him by his waist and controlling himself not to roll them around, pressing Harry against the mattress to go faster.

"Am I doing it right?" Harry asks, somehow so innocently, after moving his hips in circles with Louis' whole length in and then moving up and down all the way.

"F*ck, yes you are baby. Yes... you're always amazing." Louis says in awe, one hand on Harry's waist and the other brushing his curls off from the front of his face. He makes Harry keep still now and kisses his lips slowly. He tries his best to make their chests being as close as possible, because Louis needs to feel Harry's warmth consuming his soul, he wants to belong to Harry in a whole and this moment is just so important.

"I want to be always amazing for you." Harry whispers moving again when they pull away their lips and kisses Louis all the way down from his neck, he sucks a big and painful mark there and bites Louis' collarbone. His hips keep moving slowly and so gently, so f*cking gently that Louis feels like melting underneath him. He stays with his lips on their usual spot, more time than the needed and his arms holding Louis from behind his neck. Holding him there so he can't go anywhere, so he can feel like he is trapped and can't leave him. Never.

"I love you so much Louis," he whispers, making the biggest effort to keep up with his moves up and down on Louis' lap and stay with his face hidden between Louis' neck and collarbone. "Never forget that... You're my life, you're the reason I am here today, you're the reason why I'm happy –" 

"Harry?" Louis asks worried, trying to make Harry look at him, when feels warm tears falling on his shoulder and Harry's voice getting weak and broken.

"No please..." He says desperate, not stopping his movements and grabbing Louis tightly, hugging him "I want to do this. I want you to feel good and just –just enjoy it. But let me speak, please,  _hum_ , let me speak..." Louis moans along when Harry starts moving faster, but still nods, squeezing his hips with his thumbs "I just want to make sure yo-you know it. That I love you and care so much for you. That I promise loving you till you want me to and even,  _ah_ , even when you don't." Louis keeps feeling the tears hitting his shoulders and Harry's sounds are a mixture of whimpers and moans. Louis doesn't know what's going on but he feels like Harry is giving up above him and he wants to keep holding him, not disappointing him.

"And that our promises are so important to me and you make me feel so f*cking good." Harry moans when Louis hits his prostate "And it sucks when –when you find someone but they don't find you but –but here we found each other and I'm so happy... so happy to have your love and –" he keeps breathing heavily but it's freaking Louis out when he keeps feeling those salty and hot tears hitting his bare skin and the way Harry is sinking his fingers on his skin, holding him tightly

"Harry..." Louis tries to interrupt but himself is moaning and this is all so f*cked up because he feels good, Harry is doing so well with his hips but he can't stand the fact that he is crying on his shoulder and Louis doesn't know if it hurts him.

"Louis," he says a bit louder "Louis... I have fire in my veins and ice in my heart but goddamn, I can love you like you have never been loved before." He gasps "Never forget it, please..." he whimpers and both hold each other, embracing each other, while Louis hits Harry's prostate over and over again till Harry is coming between their bellies. Though, he doesn't stop moving, still enjoying everything, still with tears in his eyes wetting Louis' skin, he keeps moving up and down on Louis' lap, whispering  _"I want to make you come one last time. I want you to enjoy this. I love you."_   And it does feel good, it feels incredibly good but Louis is so confused and concerned with Harry's state that he just can't finish.

Harry notices, he notices how tense Louis is getting "Please Lou... Fill me up." Harry whispers and kisses him hard on the mouth. It's wild and Louis can barely feel his tears, he holds Louis in his arms, sucking his lips and then kissing his jaw and biting his neck, going the faster he can and Louis doesn't have any other choice. He just can't deal with how good it feels so he's coming as well, moaning Harry's name in a sigh.

Harry is breathing heavily on top of him, tired and slowing down while Louis still enjoys his trance. Louis makes him stop completely by his hips, keeping him still on his lap. Harry rests his forehead on Louis' shoulder and waits for his tears to dry out and both to recover their breath.

"I'm sorry..." Harry whispers while Louis pets his hair and kisses his exposed neck.

"Why sorry baby?" He asks softly, his voice recovering. They're sticky and a mess, the sheets are twisty and they're sure they made too much noise unlike what they intended to.

Harry shrugs not answering with words and Louis knows it's because of how emotional he got and from the tears he slipped "Don't be sorry for crying." Louis says and makes Harry get out from his lap to lay him down on the mattress.

Harry pushes him by his shoulders, so Louis can rest his head on his chest, not really wanting him far away "Yeah..." He whispers.

"Why did you cry?"

"Because I love you."

"You cried because you love me?" Louis says half amused but half concerned, trying to look up at the curly boy. Right now Harry seems so fragile, so exposed...

"Yes."

"Don't do that. Don't cry because you love me. Smile, please." Louis raises his head and gets closer from Harry's face, resting his hand on his flushed cheek "Don't I make you happy?" Harry nods slightly but looks at Louis as if he was still not understanding him "Then don't cry, no one deserves your tears, not even me." He kisses his cheeks and rests his forehead close to Harry's temple.

"Don't cry for me too."

"You will never make me cry."

"But –But promise me."

"I promise."

He feels Harry sighing and Louis slides his hands from his chest to his neck, caressing the skin with his thumb. "Gonna bring something to clean ourselves."

"No, please, don't leave me." Harry grabs him closer and tighter making Louis chuckle a bit.

"I won't leave you, love. Never." He smiles at Harry and kisses him quickly on the lips before standing up from bed to get the tissues.

He cleans himself up first and then goes back to bed to do it for Harry like he always does, laying down again next to him, pushing the sheets up and cuddling as close as possible.

"Can we just talk for a bit before sleeping?" Harry asks and Louis can't deny it to him even if he feels tired –and he is sure Harry feels too. What he didn't know was that  _talking a bit before sleep_ would turn out to be talking for two hours straight about their old memories and when they were younger and honestly, Louis wasn't ready for it. He just wasn't, especially because he got to know that Harry remembers it as well, everything and that he wants to keep them with him, wants to relive them by talking them with Louis.

He wasn't ready to talk about how their friendship grew up, how Harry would see Louis through his young eyes, how both admired each other. He wasn't ready to realise that when they got mad at each other sometimes he'd feel like it was the most freeing thing ever because it'd mean they were in a stable relationship; that they have the ability and the right to be mad at the other and know that it wouldn't mean things were over, it would just mean that things are irreparable.  _It all meant god I love you, I love you but leave me alone now._  

He wasn't ready to see Harry's eyes watering again, wasn't ready to feel the sweets kisses Harry gave him on the lips and on their usual spot. He just wasn't ready to the small break down and need of care Harry felt at 3am and fell asleep wanting more from Louis.

Louis allows himself to shut his eyes not sure if he really falls asleep, not until hours and hours later because in the meantime he knows Harry woke up startled and kissed him telling him he loved him a lot. It felt good knowing he had someone to fall asleep with next to him, felt good knowing that Harry had him next to him after a nightmare.

It just... when Louis woke up in the morning, for the first time after falling asleep next to that beautiful boy with green eyes and curly hair for years, he was alone in a cold bed with messy sheets... and the spot next to him wasn't even warm. Harry just wasn't there as if last night was all a dream and he never went to Louis' house. To Louis' life.

 


	34. Lost memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:
> 
> The fault in our stars by Troye Sivan 
> 
> For everything a reason by Carina Roud
> 
> The Writer by Ellie Goulding
> 
> Please don’t go by Barcelona
> 
> Already gone by Kelly Clarkson
> 
> Goodbye my lover by James Blunt 
> 
> Run by Leona Lewis (lots of songs i know) 
> 
> reference to "Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers" in the beginning

Loving Harry the way Louis loved was beautiful, because Louis sees him everywhere, in the stars, in the river, for him, Harry is everything that exists; the reality of everything.

 

Harry was the first person Louis looked with a mouthful of forevers. Their love came unannounced in the middle of the night when there were no stars up in the sky and they shared a small bed.

Their love came when they had given up on asking love to come and that has to be part of its miracle because that's how they healed. They kissed each other like forgiveness, they held each other like the other was hope, their arms were like bandages and they pressed promises between each other like flowers in a book. They wrote sonnets to the salt of sweat in their skin and Louis wrote novels to the scars of Harry's wrists. They had planned to write a dictionary of all the words they had used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found someone like the other.

They weren't afraid of the other's scars.

Louis knew sometimes it was still hard to Harry let him see all his cracked perfection but Louis made sure to let him know that:

_Whether it's the days he burns more brilliant than the sun or the nights he collapses into his lap, his body broken into a thousand questions, he is still the most beautiful thing Louis has ever seen._

_He will love him when he is still a day._

_He will love him when he is a hurricane._

Because it's easy to love someone when they're happy. What's hard is loving someone when they're crying on the bathroom floor at 2am because everything came crashing down at once. Louis loved Harry every second of their lives together.

Harry was the type of boy who had the power to take Louis' heart and shatter it into million pieces and take every organ out of his body and empty his veins into the bathroom floor... but damn Louis got the chance to be held and he'll never feel that full ever again.

_He'll never feel that full ever again._

He wants to feel full again and right now he needs it... but the boy across the street isn't there so he can't see the starts with him. The boy across the street isn't there for three days and Louis is empty and soulless and he thinks now he knows how it is to be dead without actually dying.

His mother tried to say  _you brave, brave thing. One day, you're going to stop leaving the door open for people who only know how to keep leaving._ But that wasn't something Louis needed to hear to feel full, also, it's not something Fiona believes in. Mainly because Harry isn't the type of person to just leave. To just disappear from day to night without a word knowing the consequences and pain he is leaving behind. He wouldn't hurt Louis this way. He would never fucking hurt Louis.

But in reality... That last night they had together, everything Harry did and said... it was his way to say goodbye without actually saying it. Without Louis realising. Louis heard that unhappy endings sort of sounded like him leaving. And it was so much more. That's not only an unhappy ending that's a nightmare without end, where he is trapped and this time he really wants to get out and scream, but he can't.

He actually wants to wake up in his bed, being a ten years old Louis on his mother's lap crying and listening to her whispering  _it's okay, it was just a nightmare, you're okay._  And he doesn't even know if he wants to look out the window then in the morning and see a small boy sat on the sidewalk, playing with flowers and drawing in an old book.

Instead, he is locked in his bedroom for these past three days, has smocked three packs of cigarettes and no one has knocked at the door to check on him. He hasn't seen his family since the day he woke up naked and fragile in a cold bed, looking for someone he wasn't sure he was going to see again. He hasn't talked to them since the day he ran across the street and was almost hit by a car to knock at his best friend –boyfriend's house where he got no response. He hasn't shouted at his family for explanations –the ones they didn't have –since the day he tried to call Harry from his phone and every time, it went to voicemail –he still tries but he wonders if Harry has changed number.

He doesn't know how only after three days he is so sure that Harry isn't coming back, isn't coming back after leaving a confused and heartbroken Louis but maybe that's it. He is gone for three days, he hasn't said a word, the blinds from his house are shut and there's no signal of someone living there. That's just it, because normally Harry wouldn't do it. Harry broke their most important promise. The one Louis had sure he wasn't going to.

~*~

On the fourth day, Louis' ears hear the first sound besides the sound of him puking in his bathroom at 2am after trying to eat something from the kitchen. It's his mom and she knocks gently, only calling for Louis in a tender tone of voice, almost afraid. He doesn't speak a word. He is mad. At his mom, at his sister, at his brother, at his father, at himself, at Daisy, at the old lady living next to them, at the queen, at the sun, at the stars, at the universe... at Harry and his parents because he hates them. Not Harry... he loves Harry more than ever, but he is mad.

She opens the door –because after all this time it was never locked, Louis forgot the first time he opened it in the middle of the night to go to the kitchen but ended up only opening the door and go inside again because he saw Daisy laying down on the floor looking at him as if she knew everything and was just waiting for the time he'd let her in to give him comfort – and gets in.

Louis doesn't bother to look at her, he keeps laid down in bed looking at his nightstand –mostly definitely looking at the picture's frame he has there with two smiley boys –with no expression at all.

Fiona speaks, she speaks something and in her face, concern, is written upon it, but Louis doesn't really pays much attention. He doesn't care, he doesn't care about anything –because a small piece of him still has hope, still thinks Harry is going to come back to him after this long days.

"Louis, please hear me." She tries one more time, now stepping closer, herself is almost crying. She has cried. She has cried not only because of how Louis looked at her with sadness in his dry eyes, telling her that  _Harry isn't here;_  she also cried because it's like Harry was an illusion of all of them because he never said goodbye and she won't have an answer to Louis' cries,  _why did he leave me so broken?_

"Dear," Fiona sits in the edge of his bed. She feels like she has been the worst mother in this past four days and it's killing her –in fact, it's killing the whole family because they don't have their anchor, Harry, there. "I'm here, you know?" She rests her available hand above his shoulder and Louis doesn't feel it, he only thinks  _you are here and he is not_ ,  _this bed feels empty... like me._ "Can you hear me? Can you feel me here?" she asks softly, holding herself. Louis' eyes are open, but it's like he is sleeping really. "Just, Lo –"

"I'm listening."

"Oh," She simply says, gulping at how Louis' voice sounds. It doesn't sound like him and she's glad the room is kinda dark so she can't see how he looks like. Because he has lost some pounds, he has been having nightmares so the sleep doesn't come, the night is the evil and the day is his enemy and he is just not a person. He was one with Harry now he is just a half. "I don't know how..." she sighs there's nothing to say now, that's why they all have been away from Louis, not even trying to make him feel better because they simply can't. No one understands, the house is always in silence and no one dares to laugh or mention  _his_  name.

"I opened our mailbox and... there was this letter there. I think it's been there for this past four days because no one has checked on it and... the handwriting is fa –familiar." She says sadly keeping the letter in her hand.

"I don't care."

She doesn't insists. She stands up, Louis sees her putting the thing next to the picture he is staring at, Louis is sure she's almost crying but he doesn't say anything but he is also sure that hears her saying  _you do care, you care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it._

~*~

On day six Louis decides to open the letter.

The outside of his window it reminds him such a happy and normal day, the sun shines so bright, he hears some children on the street –Peter isn't there with his friends – and he can even hear Zoe talking to the phone with someone, a thing that she would usually do every day and it's the first time Louis listens to this past days.

Although, Louis still feels sad and he hasn't woken up – did he even fell asleep? – next to a beautiful curly haired boy, he has no one to take a walk on this hot day, or no one to kiss him and tell him how special he is and... there isn't that one person who used to play with the bracelet he has on his wrists. Oh the bracelet he has never thought about taking out, not even now.

He tries to call Harry again like he does every morning, even texting just saying _I'll always love you,_ but there is no response. Again. He looks out of the window, his belly hurts and his eyes feel heavy but when he sees that same signal he doesn't remember seeing since he was seven, on the grass from the house in front of him,  _on sale_ , it is his heart that aches and that's the worse.

He takes a deep breath and sits again on his bed, the side that isn't even his –and won't ever be –and just takes it from the same spot it is since Fiona came to his room.

He has no energies left, just raising his arm is a struggle and he knows it's no good but at least if he dies, he will read what Harry left to him, he thinks. Maybe there'll be some explanation.

 _Maybe it's just him saying that went on vacation for a week because his parents made him to, so he's coming back tomorrow and I'm here depressed for nothing_ , Louis thinks. But he knows it's not true. Something is wrong. Something was wrong this whole time, he was just too happy to notice.

He doesn't hesitate when opens the letter and unfolds the paper. The paper is familiar and it's ripped off from somewhere – _his journal_ , Louis thinks. He just hesitates when starts reading because he keeps minutes, long minutes, looking at the first three words.

_Hello my love,_

Louis takes a deep breath and continues reading the familiar and perfectly drawn handwriting.

_I wish I had the words to articulate how truly remainable (is that even a word?) you are for me._

_I wish I could tell you how important you are to me, like you really deserve, with the right choice of words and that would sound as beautiful as singing you a poem._

_You have daisies planted within your smile, and the beauty of the sunrise in every laugh. You are as addictive as pain killers; I swear there's lightening running through your veins._

_I wish I could tell you these things without the help of a pen and paper, but somehow I can't._

_You were always the one who had more words to speak, the right ones... I only limited myself to write everything down._

_Don't worry, you're still mine by eternal right because I wrote our story in a paper and will keep it with me for as long as I breathe, for as long as your soul is with me into the night. You touched me in so many ways, you touched my heart, you touched my soul, my hands, my lips, my body... you changed my life, my goals, you made me believe that dreaming is all right and it's better when you have someone to share it with, you made me want to be a person and made me believe that I have the right to be happy because I'm human, and we're alive and breathing and we're beautiful._

_You taught me that love is blind and every time you pointed at the moon I was looking at your hand... just like you were at mine. And yes, yes god damn yes you're beautiful enough for my eyes... you're even too beautiful for my eyes and they glow every time I look at you and I'll always fall asleep holding my pillow wishing it was you._

_I've kissed your lips, held your hand, shared your dreams, your bed, I know your smell and I'm addictive to you. You're so addictive Louis..._

_Louis._

_My beautiful Louis._

_You always said that I thanked you too many times but I think I never thanked you enough, like I never spoke my feelings to you like I always should. But I always did my best because I wanted to be the best for you. You,who have watched me cry, smile and falling asleep, who knows my fears and helped me to walk by them while telling myself that I am brave..._

_And I am brave Louis, I believe you._

_And as you move on, remember me, remember us. Pretend that you want it, don't react. I'd spend a lifetime with you if possible, I swear that this is the truth because in twenty years I will remember you, us, and it doesn't scare me at all. In twenty years I still won't be able to live without you because I will always be breathing with the idea that I should have kissed you longer..._

_You can have my bucket list, because those things there were all meant to be shared with you... but I'm grateful that I could check the last thing on the list because we truly fell for each other._

_Thank you, Louis._

That's all.

That's all Harry wrote for Louis. There's no explanation, there's no apologises... there's only something that made Louis cover his mouth with his hands to muffle his whimpers and be obsessed with it to the point of reading that paper twice, thrice... the times he needs to memorise everything. The times he needs to make sure he doesn't miss anything, maybe a sign or a hidden message...

There's nothing.

Only, inside of the envelope, the bucket list Louis was never able to read till the end and a picture. The picture he took with his Polaroid camera, kissing those red and beautiful lips he will never feel the touch and taste again. On the back is written,  _I'll always remember_ , and that's all.

Louis needs to be held, Louis feels so broken because... Harry is gone. He is gone and didn't say a proper goodbye, left Louis in pain not having a clue about where he might be. Louis won't have that sweet boy next to him to sing along with him their favourite songs, won't have that beautiful boy whispering him sweet nothings and kissing his neck in such a way... in such a way that just Harry will be able to do. The way only Harry will be able to make Louis feel.

The universe did such a cruel thing to Louis but Louis doesn't feel mad anymore. After almost a week, he doesn't feel mad. He feels sad. So sad that it's strangling him, because he cares, as his mother said,  _he cares so much he feels as though he will bleed to death with the pain of it._

The universe took Harry away from Louis in a blink of an eye.

Louis gives with himself running downstairs to the most probable place his mother might be and he sees her leaned down against the counter, looking at him with eyes full of sorrow.

And she knows.

Louis runs towards her and let's himself be held. She hugs him not the way Harry would but the way Louis needs to right now.

He also breaks a promise because if Harry can, he can as well. He starts crying, he starts crying for Harry. He promised he wouldn't because he was sure Harry would never make him cry this way... he was so wrong, but Harry knew he would so he made Louis promise. Promise a thing Louis would never be able to keep if he knew this would happen.

Louis' tears have all those moments they spent together, has a little Louis giving Harry a daisy so he can start talking with him, has two boys who don't know the meaning of life having their first kiss, a clumsily Harry falling on a river and a panicked Louis saving him, has a pale Harry laid down on a hospital bed and a wrecked Louis telling him how much he loves him. Has a happy Harry giving a little kitten to a Louis who is slowly falling in love with him, has a broken Harry with bleeding wrists crying in his bathroom with a desperate Louis holding him, has a sad Harry listening to a frightened Louis telling him how much he truly wants him and has two boys making love in a mess of white sheets, whispering broken promises to each other.

Louis' tears have all those lost memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the thing is , i always had this idea of ending this fic like this , sad i know but there's so much to know and so much to happen and i'm not a fan of unhappy endings like this so.................. THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL , of course! i will post it today and it'll be called "Built memories" (i'm so creative i swear) so yeah prepare yourself for this idk when i'll start publishing because i need time to sort all the ideas and stuff and now with school is harder but it will be soon :) thank you !!


	35. Some explanations and sequel - Built Memories

Okay i want to make this to explain some things and talk about the sequel so it's really important for you to read this

I had this fic idea since ever, like i just wrote now bc i was too lazy previously and my writing technique was worst than now and this book is like my baby honestly and this deserved better. At the beginning this was a Harry fic but ew i wasn't going to write a harry fic and i had this idea like two years ago i'm not even kidding, so this changed a lot. 

okay i'm rambling but of course there will be a sequel. I'm not a fan of unhappy endings like this, especially when there's still so much to explain and be said. I can't leave Louis like this, not knowing why Harry left him and how was this possible. there's still some secrets that need to be revealed and i think the prologue wasn't forgotten yet. 

so let me explain some things and i hope i'm not here writing this for no one okay ily 

in the prologue where Louis is twenty four and he finished uni, he is packing to leave home. The letter he was reading at the end of course it was the one Harry wrote for him, the same from last chapter. i'm not going to say much about harry at this point because you will know everything, but Harry knew that he was leaving when his parents got to know he was gay, you will know every reason and stuff so im not going to talk about it. but the sequel will not start where the prologue ended, that is not really the present, but you will understand

it's also important to point out that Louis and Harry's friendship/relationship wasn't healthy they were literally obsessed with each other, so leaving without the other isn't something they wanted to think about . that's why louis didn't cry at the beginning of the week when he knew Harry left, he was in shock so he felt really bad with himself and with the world, not eating, sleeping nor talking. they literally lived for each other because they had no other friend and harry made louis almost be like him since harry has social anxiety. 

Harry wasn't healthy as well, his parents made him hate himself, that's why he was so grateful for having louis because if it wasn't for him he'd have committed suicide, this is my reality. reason why he started hurting himself when Louis kind of put him on the side when started dating and finding another friends (he liked Louis that time already as you know). Harry had no one and his parents hated him. he is depressed, Louis didn't heal him completely, because has i had written before, they weren't together 24/7 (almost, really, but not always) so when he wasn't with Louis he was dying on the inside. he needs real help, a thing he will have next book but i'm not going to talk about it hah

Louis’ family is also really important for Harry , because he is part of it and Fiona really considers him as his son as well (as well as Carl), his family will always be important for this story so yeah it’ll still be mentioned next book.

Louis isn't as sane as he seemed to be because when he lost himself with his new group his whole person changed a bit so it wasn't easy for him as well.

along the book i tried my best kept all those triggering things away because i wouldn't feel too comfortable writing it , so writing the chapter where Louis found out that harry hurt himself was really hard for me. but at the beginning i was going to make this a really sad story and in reality harry's head is really full of depressing thoughts and for him to get a bit better wasn't as simple as seemed to be. i just didn't want to touch in those subjects too much because i also don't know if it could be trigger for one of you even if that meant the book wasn't as realistic as it should be. 

So anyway ... 

About the sequel , the other boys will be in ! yes some niall, zayn and liam interaction because i really love putting them on my books and i think in this one wouldn't make much sense. 

I need to put all the ideas in order and write some chapters before starting to publish so it'll take a week or two , especially because with school i don't have much time or energy to write. 

Here's the sequel http://archiveofourown.org/works/2338811/chapters/5154683

I hope you loved this one as much as I loved writing, thank you all for everything and I will see you soon!xx

**Author's Note:**

> http://www.wattpad.com/story/15712808-lost-memories-l-s


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